Crown's Chance at Love (38 page)

“Is this why I found two files on the kids and I in your office today?” I ask and I hear him curse under his breath.

“Yes,” he says gruffly and I chuckle. A little relief flows out of me.

At least he isn’t some kind of weirdo with a weird obsession with us.

I turn around to look at him. I’m not even sure what I feel.

He is so heartbreakingly handsome. His face is clearly worried. I know it is taking everything in him not to come to me, I can see it in his face. I am glad he didn’t. I can never think clearly with him around me too close.

I am completely torn.

Part of me wants to yell and slap him for lying to me and the other part wants to melt into his arms while he reassures me it will all workout. Because if I am honest with myself, I don’t want to lose him. Even now that I know the truth.  I finally know what Mike has been holding back. I finally know what has kept him from letting me completely in.

“Why?” is all I can muster up to ask. One silly little word for so many questions.

“The first one, it was just routine, for  Patrick’s trial. His attorneys recommended it. The second one, shit babe…” he says gruffly running his fingers through his hair. “He had kept asking about you. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t causing you problems,” he answers quickly and honestly, almost like ripping off a band aid.

“So when we met, was that all a set up? Was this all a game to you?” I ask turning to face him.

“Yes and No. It’s not what you think.” He rubs his face and looks at me.

“He had been asking a lot about you. Wanting me to come in contact with you, to ask you if you could go talk to him. I honestly just wanted to make sure he wasn’t causing problems for you.”

“So you lied to me,” I say feeling so utterly tired.

I have been an idiot. Such a dumb idiot.

He hadn’t wanted me the way I had wanted him. He had just wanted to make sure his brother wasn’t causing problems. He had lied from the start. All those late night calls to the
lonely single mom
, he must think I am such a joke.

“Sabrina…” He starts to come closer to me, but I put my arm up.

“Don’t. Stay there. When you are close I can’t think straight,” I say honestly.

“Baby…”

“Don’t baby me Mike. So all this? What was this? Why the games and charades?” I ask starting to get angry. How could he have done this? I was in love with him and it had been all a lie. He had played me.

“You hadn’t wanted to know about him. I respected that.”

“REALLY! You respected that? Is that why you had a private investigator find things out about me? About the kids? Do you have any idea what ran through my mind when I found those files in your office?” he winces as I yell at him, but I don’t care.

“Bab… Sabrina… Let me explain.”

“Jesus Mike! I thought you were some kind of sick weirdo! I was scared for us. I made Emmi take the kids tonight because I knew you were going to be coming over. I figured you had been lying about who you were, but all this!” I keep yelling, too much inside of me is bursting out. Anger. Confusion. Hurt.

“Baby… Please, let me explain?…”

“Why? Why would I believe you? Everything has been a lie! Was it to get back at me? For not wanting to know anything about Patrick and the accident?”

“No,” he says gravely and I can tell he is starting to get angry. At the situation or me, I’m not sure, and I‘m not sure I even care. “Granted if you had known about him, this situation would have been easier…”

“I didn’t want to hate him MIKE!” I yell, everything inside of me starting to bubble over. “I didn’t want to hate who had…. who had killed Sean. I knew he was drunk… but I figured someone who was drunk at 8:30 in the freaking morning had a serious problem. More than someone who let’s say wasn’t thinking and got in the car after more than two glasses of wine after dinner.  I was angry at them, but I didn’t want that anger to consume me. Knowing myself, knowing how I handle things, I handled it the best way I knew so I could live in peace with myself. THAT’S why I didn’t want to know about him. Not because I had my head in the sand like everyone thought! I couldn’t hate Patrick, I felt sorry for him. I knew the driver had been young and had a serious problem. But even knowing that, he had taken someone from me. Sean was …” I take a deep breath trying not to shed the tears that are all but trying to escape.

“He was my everything… and in an instant because of someones bad choice, it all disappeared.” The tears I have been holding back start to roll down my face and I can hardly stand to look at Mike.

“I couldn’t feel anything after he died. Nothing! Do you know how horrible that was? To have someone taken from you and not know how to feel or react? I didn’t know which way was up or down. I didn’t even cry until Nick pushed me too, and that was eleven days later Mike! ELEVEN days I was completely dead inside! I held my kids night after night as they cried, grieving their dad, but I couldn’t. Mark cried so bad he shook, but I couldn’t react. Chris was little and didn’t understand what was happening, but he could feel it. Penny lost her dad, who was like a hero to her, and as my girl cried herself to sleep in my arms, I had nothing in me. I couldn’t cry, I was just frozen and dead inside. Yet even then I KNEW I didn’t want to be filled with hate towards the person who had taken him away! Sean wouldn’t have wanted me to live that way! He was a good man. One moment he was holding Chris because he’d had a bad dream and in less than twelve fucking hours he was GONE! He was just gone!” I yell at him.

Anger is bubbling and fizzing to the top. Fat ugly tears rolling down my face, I look him in the eye.
How could he have lied so horribly to me? Had anything been real?

“I KNOW! You don’t think I know that!” Mike roars. “Shit baby all of this was my fucking fault! I was the one who called Patrick that morning. I rode his ass about getting into the office! I was the one who made him get in a fucking car to make a seven hour drive!” Mike yells, his deep voice raw and laced with so much pain all I can do is stand still. My anger starts to dissolve just as quickly as it had risen as I stand and watch Mike’s pain and guilt seep out.

“If I hadn’t been such a fucking asshole who was pissed as shit, at things that had nothing to do with Patrick and him being at that fucking meeting, there never would have been a damn accident! I was so fucking involved with my own fucking shit I didn’t even notice him slurring his words!” he roars and I flinch. His eyes are red with unshed tears and my anger is down to a slow simmer.

“Want to know what I was being such a dick about? Huh? I was pissed Holly moved the wedding date… for the third time. I was pissed my mom was up my ass about a wedding I was pretty fucking sure would never fucking happen, and if it did I knew the marriage would be a huge mistake. I was so completely self involved I didn’t even notice him slurring at eight in the GODDAMN MORNING!” he roars and I want to go to him but he just keeps talking.

“I had to make sure you were okay! You lost Sean, the kids lost their fucking dad all because of my fucking temper!” he yells louder and I stand still as his words wash over me.

He thought he was guilty for Sean dying that day. My heart ached for him, even with all the lies that had been told, my heart still hurt for him. This whole time he had been carrying that guilt. A guilt that was so easy to wallow in. So many similar thoughts had invaded my mind that first year.
What if I had asked him to stay home that day? What if he had called off?
But playing the
what if
game was completely and utterly useless and a waste of time.

I wipe the tears from my face as I stare at him. The bewildered look on his face makes me realize that this was more than I had initially thought. He hadn’t been playing games with me at all. He had cared about me. That was why he had kept saying I deserved better.

“Mike…” I whisper as I start to walk to him, but he just shakes his head. He wants me to stay away from him. I know why that is. I have the same effect that he has on me.

“Playing the
what if
game doesn’t seem your style,” I say sternly looking him straight in his eyes. His pale blues are sad and look so utterly tired.

“What?” he asks looking a little irritated at me.

“I did that for the first year. What if I would have asked him to stay that morning, or what if his partner had not taken that particular call or drove down the wrong street, or what if I had called him and asked him to come home or go pick something up. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. What happened happened, and it sucked. Bad. Life just keeps going though. No matter how bad you just want to throw a blanket over your head and hide in a corner, life just keeps going. Then suddenly you find yourself in a routine, you go through the fucking motions. Carpools, dance recitals, baseball games, storytimes, work and then one day in front of a Starbucks…

“What Sabrina? What happened that day? Hmm? Let me tell you, what happened. That file… your eyes fucking haunted me. I wanted to meet you and I did. I went and bumped into you on purpose and kept lying to you all these months!” he yells at me still holding my gaze, yet I don’t back off.

“You did. You lied. HUGE!” I yell, but then take a deep breath. “Was it all in my head Mike? Everything thats been going on between us? Because if it was all a game I swear you had me freaking fooled.

“No. It wasn’t. I …” he starts to say, but I cut him off.

“Were you even going to tell me?” My voice is soft now, as all of it comes crashing down. I am emotionally torn about how I should feel about the man in front of me, and how I actually feel.

“There have been so many times I have wanted to tell you baby,” he says walking closer to me.

Closing the distance between us, his body in front of mine, his hands come to my face. Wiping away the tears on my face with his thumbs, I sniffle as I look up at him. I know I look like I mess, but something about his touch and the way he is looking at me, makes it hard to stay angry. I should keep some distance between us, but I can’t. I want him close to me. His body heat to warm me because I feel so cold.

“So many times I almost told you. We were either interrupted or I just chickened out,” he says cupping my face. I want to lean into him so badly, yet I can’t. I take a step back and his eyes show the sadness of me stepping away from his touch.

“Why Mike? Why would you chicken out?” I ask calmly.

“I got scared,” he answers plainly.

“Of?”

“Of losing you, of losing what we had growing between us. Just last night I was planning on talking to you after Nick came to me…” My head snaps up to him. I take steps back away from him. I close my eyes taking in what he just said.

“Nick knew?” I ask standing straight.

Freaking Nick! My best friend knew and yet he hadn’t come to me. Last night Mike had been surly and anxious. “Did he threaten you with it?” I feel horrible at the idea of my best friend trying to threaten Mike with this. Why hadn’t Nick just come and told me about it?

“Sabrina…”

“Mike… “

“He wanted me to come clean with you. I told him I would. But last night, everything was so great. Cooking dinner with the kids, holding you while we watched TV and you falling asleep in my arms…”

“You didn’t want to mess it up,” I finish his sentence. Nick will definitely be getting a piece of my mind.

“Is that why… why things would never you know go further than they have?” I ask feeling my cheeks get hot.

***

Mike

What the hell just happened? She knows the truth now, and I’m about to lose her. The way she is looking at me kills me. She is so completely guarded and weary of everything I am telling her. She’s only a couple feet away from me, but it feels like we are miles apart.

“I wanted you Sabrina. I wanted you like I have never wanted anything in my life,” I tell her honestly. I want to hold her as tightly as I possibly can and beg her not to throw me out, to beg her to forgive me, but its like I’m nailed down to the fucking floor.

“I couldn’t go there. I wanted you to know me. Who I was as a man, not only who I was related to. You needed to know about my actions that day. I didn’t think you would want me anywhere near you or the kids if you knew the truth. I couldn’t let myself cross that line no matter how much I wanted you. I didn’t want you to find out and feel like I had tricked you. I didn’t want to chance you regretting us going there,” I blurt out honestly and it feels like my heart is exposed. Her eyes are wide as she processes what I have just said.

“But you thought making me fall for you would be okay?” she asks sounding a little irritated, and I look at her. Her eyes are dark and obvious hurt. Pain I have put there by lying to her; having kept this shit go for as long as it had., I knew I had made the pain she is feeling right now. I’m not ready to lose her. I can’t lose her. I have to figure out how to not let her give up on me.

“Yeah I did,” I walk towards her trying to close the space between us again.

I hold her hand and look at her. Her eyes go wide. Her nose is red from crying and fuck if she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.