Crown's Chance at Love (39 page)

“I was okay with it, because I was falling for you.”

I can’t believe I am being as honest as I am with her. I know I don’t want to lose her, so I know its time to let it all out.

“Was? Like past tense?” she asks softly her eyes a little worried, but I shake my head giving her a small smile.

“You know that isn’t true. Sweetheart… these last couple of months…”

“Mike…”

“No baby, you have to hear me out. These last couple of months, getting to know you, having you get to know me, it’s meant so much to me. When I tell you my life has been upside down since that day at Starbucks, that’s a huge understatement. I wish I would have told you about everything, instead of how you found out… but I can’t change it now…”

“I get why you did it,” she says cutting me off. She has this look on her face that tells me she is trying to get the right words together. Then she says the words I would have never thought I would hear once she found out the truth.

“I don’t blame you about Sean, you need to know that. He wouldn’t have blamed you either.”

“I don’t know about that…” I laugh sarcastically, even though my heart is racing. How is it that she does this to me? How is it that she has such a huge effect on me? How can she forgive me so easily? Shit she never even blamed me from the start!

“I do,” she says confidently, her eyes wide open and completely honest. She really believes the words she is saying, and by doing this she is giving me hope.

“Mike I know you have these huge shoulders and you want to carry everything, but this isn’t yours to carry,” she says still holding my hand, her eyes going soft and warm. I want to just pull her in close, smell her scent, and beg her to forgive me for lying… for not telling her who my brother was.

“Sean was in the wrong place at the wrong time. What I just don’t understand is the lying,” she says and my sliver of hope diminishes.”I hate that you lied to me. That whatever we have here was all built on lies.” She looks tired and sad, and my heart fucking hurts. Shit had hit the fan, and if I was being honest it had been my fault. I’m just not ready to give up hope.

“If I would have told you the truth, would you have taken a chance on me? If I had told you the truth from the start? That day at Starbucks, if I would have told you who I was related to, would you have given me the same chance you did?” she closes her eyes and looks down, huge tears rolling down her face. Slowly she shakes her head. The reality that she wouldn’t have taken a chance on me if she would have known who I was related to, hit hard.

“If I would have known the connection between Edwards Automotive and Patrick, I probably wouldn’t have even bid on the charity events,” she says softly and honestly letting go of my hand, wrapping herself in her own arms.

“I don’t know what to do here Mike,” she sniffles out honestly. Her voice, her actions, fuck her eyes are so completely honest; always had been.

My girl never playing games always tells me how it is. I want to fall to my knees and beg her to give me another chance, to prove to her I can be who she needs me to be. But she needs her space and time to think this out. Even if its the last thing I want to do, I have to give her that space and time.

I look at her, trying to engrave what she looks like in my mind. I notice her take a deep breath and her eyes meet mine.

“I…I don’t know what you want. I have no idea why you would do all this? Lie to me like this?” she says, her eyes red and face splotchy.

“Because the day we bumped into one another and I held you in my arms so you wouldn’t fall, I felt something. Something I had never felt before. Then every time we would talk, I would tell myself it’d be the last time, but I couldn’t stay away. As for what I want, baby I just want you. I want to be with you. Like we have been but with you knowing the truth…”

***

Sabrina

I should be happy. The words I have been dying to hear from him are now out.
I just want you. I want to be with you.
But instead I feel confused and torn.

“What do you want baby…” he asks as he wraps me in his arms.

I look at his blue eyes, pale and full of emotion. Fear is one of the clear emotions floating in those pale blue pools of his eyes. It hurts to look at him. I want so badly to just throw caution to the wind and give in, give into him, but I can’t. I need to soak in everything I have just learned. What kind of woman would I be if I just completely let everything he had done go and sweep it under the rug?

“I don’t know,” I say trying to get out of his hold, but he won’t let go of me. Not that he is hurting me, because that is that last thing Mike would ever do. His hands on me are gentle and warm, and damn him for making me feel everything I felt towards him. He made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t in such a long time. Yet he had created a clusterfuck of a situation.

“Everything I told you, everything I felt, it was all real baby. You have to know that. It killed me that I hadn’t told you the truth…” He’s pleading with me, but I can’t shrug it off.

“But you didn’t. Not even at the end,” I blurt out, more damn tears rolling down my face. I know I look like a hot mess, but I can’t seem to hold everything in. How was it possible? I had been the freaking queen of holding shit in, but somehow he changed that.

“I found out by someone else. Even before Patrick came here, I had found those files Mike. You didn’t tell me, I’m not sure if you ever really planned on telling me the truth. I just need to think and being close to you… you know it’s impossible,” I say putting my hands on his hard chest.

I’m breathing hard and looking up at him. His pale blue eyes are full of hurt and his breathing is labored as well. Fear is tingling in my spine at the fact that this might be the last time I will be in his arms. I want to sob and scream at the situation. I don’t want to be away from him. I want to be wrapped up in his arms, but I am so incredibly torn.

Then without thinking I wrap my arms around his neck and hold him close, catching him completely off guard. He squeezes me tightly. I can feel him breathe deep, his face in my neck. Standing on the tips of my toes so that my face is in his neck, I breathe in his scent. I know what I need to tell him, but I also know how much it will hurt. I had a double knot lodged in my throat at the thought of saying goodbye to him. Could I get over his lies? Could we work out, now that the truth is out there? His brother had killed Sean. He had known everything there was to know about me before even having met me, and like an idiot I had completely fallen for him and all his lies. Taking one last deep breath, basking in the sensation of being in his arms, I dig deep in me to let go.

I move my face away from his neck, placing both my hands on his cheeks. I completely soak in what he looks like. His goatee is trimmed and soft, his pale eyes red, holding in tears I know he won’t shed in front of me. I lick my lips as my eyes go to his mouth. I kiss him gently, softly. I’m trying to let him know that I just need some time to think, to soak it up. I hope he will be able to wait for me to figure it out. He doesn’t push the kiss further, only kissing me back sweetly and lovingly. I can feel my tears falling, and his hands going to the sides of my face, wiping the big tears away with his thumbs. I part slightly letting our foreheads touch.

“I just need a moment… to soak it all up Mike…I’m sorry,” I say softly, trying not to break down into sobs. He winces like he is in pain but just nods. He kisses my forehead and without a word he leaves my house, locking the door on his way out. Standing in my empty living room, I feel so alone and cold. I walk to the couch and sit. Without a second thought everything spills out of me. Tears for what I had lost with Sean. Tears for the mess with Mike. Tears for my heart that feels betrayed in a way I wasn’t sure I could let things go.

Sabrina

Night falls and the house becomes dark as I sit on the couch. My head hurts, my eyes are puffy and probably swollen from crying. I hear the door unlock and open.

“Sabrina?” Emmi calls out and I look in her direction and even in the darkness I can see her.

Her thin, tall shadowy figure reminds me I need to go to the gym. At this thought I smile, thankful I can still smile.

“Living room,” I say as all the strength I have been building up starts to diminish.

She turns the light on in my cozy living room and comes over to sit next to me on the couch. Her arm goes around me and I let my head fall on her shoulder.

“What happened?” she asks, her green eyes full of concern.

“The truth came out,” I whisper. “Remember how I told you I felt like he was holding something back?”

“Yeah.”

“Well a guy named Patrick came here, and he’s the one who…” I start to say feeling my eyes start to tear up all over again. “He’s the one who was driving. I guess he came to make amends. Part of his 12 step program. Mike showed up and he was upset; I didn’t know why. It isn’t like Mike to be rude you know? Anyhow…it comes out that the Patrick guy is…”

“Mike’s brother,” she says not looking shocked at all, and I stare at her.

“I didn’t keep my promise about not going to the trial,” she starts to explain and I close my eyes. “I went up to Berkley, stayed in a hotel, and went to court. I watched him and his attorneys. Mike wasn’t there. I didn’t make the connection until later.”

“You didn’t tell me,” I whisper, not sure of what I feel. I know Em; she wouldn’t not tell me something, especially something like this without a reason. She is my best friend, she is like a sister to me.

“No I didn’t. I’m not sorry about it either,” she says, her hand rubbing my shoulder. “We have all tried to help you move on, but nothing worked. For over three years, almost four we have been so worried about you. You were just going through the motions of life, but you weren’t here,” she says, her arms around my shoulder.

“Then that day in April you bumped into a complete stranger, and I met you for coffee the next day. Let me tell you sweetheart it was like he turned on a light switch. A switch that none of us even knew how to find. I couldn’t take that away. I couldn’t. Your eyes were bright and alive and your smile was real babe for the first time since Sean died.” She wipes away tears from her face and looks at me, “I thought about what Sean would want, and I think he would understand this. Mike didn’t kill Sean babe, his brother did,” she says squeezing my hand and I look at her and nod. Surprisingly I’m not upset. I hug her.

“I’m sorry I was like that… I tried… I really did. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“I know sweetheart. We could see you trying… we were all just so worried we would never get you back.”

We sit here, her arm around my shoulder, my head on hers in silence. Finally I ask.

“When did you figure it out?” She moves away and looks at me smiling.

“Dan did actually,” she chuckles. “The night we all met him for the first time, at the BBQ at my house,” she says holding my hand and I stare at her surprised. My best friend had known something like this and hadn’t told me from almost the start. She told me everything. She had never kept something from me, especially something so big.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask calmly.

“Because you would have pushed him away,” she says simple and easy. “You were already skittish about the fact that you were dating someone. I didn’t want to give you a reason to walk away,” she says like it was the right thing to do. Well at least in her mind it had been.

“Does he know that you know? I mean did you confront him?” I ask, still shocked she had known for a while and hadn’t told me. It was so unlike Emmi. I look at her and she shakes her head smiling.

“God no. Sweetheart he cares about you. I’d even say he is in love with you. You have been so happy, so back to being yourself. Why would I want to mess that up?” she says her eyes showing no regret. Like a light bulb turning on from the darkness, I can see where she is coming from. If the shoe had been on the other foot so to speak, I probably would have done the same thing.

“I get it, I guess,” I say to her squeezing her hand that is in mine.

“Nick knew,” I tell her.

“What?” she says surprised looking at me, her green eyes wide, almost comically.

“He threatened Mike… I don’t know the details, Mike wouldn’t tell me… but I think Nick gave him an ultimatum.”