Authors: Elizabeth McMahen
Chapter Fifteen
I got Karen situated at the office and spent the rest of the work day doing paperwork. I was trying to get us some grant money and it was taking a while to get everything together for the application because I kept having to leave the office. I really hoped that we got the grants. More money for our program meant more help for the women in the area. We could do so much good, if we had more money to help the women get their lives started again.
I remembered to take my car home, and on the way I grabbed some take out. I ate it quickly in the parking lot of the restaurant. The days excitement seemed to have boosted my appetite and I was eager to get home so I could sit on my couch and let my brain turn off. I walked inside and put my purse on the hook by the door and tossed my coat on the chair in the corner. I didn’t even bother turning on the light, I just walked over and went to sit on the couch. I lost my shit when I sat on a warm body. I screamed and didn’t feel anymore calm when a large, warm hand covered my mouth. I jumped away from the intruder and the couch.
“What in the hell did you do today, Lily?” I knew that voice, but I hadn’t heard in it 6 months. I felt calmer knowing who my intruder was but I couldn’t stop the still frantic beating of my heart, only this time it was racing because of Jackson’s presence, not out of fear. I walked over to one of the lamps in the room and turned it on.
“I helped a woman get away from an asshole. What are you doing in my apartment?” I willed myself into the numbed state I’d perfected over the past few months. It didn’t matter why he was here, I thought, he was just going to leave again.
“We’ll talk all about your shitty apartment and locks in a minute. First I want to know why there’s a hit out on you. Did you have any idea that the asshole you got that woman away from was in the family? That was a stupid idea Lily. You should have gotten all the facts before you ran headlong into danger.” Jackson’s voice was full of barely restrained anger.
“Since when is it any of your fucking business Jack? We’ve been over for a while now. I don’t have to justify my actions to you.” He was really making it hard to be calm and emotionless. Who did he think he was?
“It becomes my business when you use my name to threaten a mobster and end up getting death threats. Obviously you can’t be trusted to make smart decisions anymore so I’m going to be making a few for you.”
Shit, I was hoping he wouldn’t find out about that.
“I can make my own decisions thank you. Obviously we made it out of there unscathed so I think I did just fine.” I was pouting now, I couldn’t help it. I didn’t need him or his help.
“Oh, you made it out of there fine, but the second you left the building Mikey started making calls and one of them was to a hit man. It didn’t take long for word to get out that if you want to make a quick 5 grand, all you have to do is take out Lily Fucking Wright.”
Oops.
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to be more careful in the future.” I was trying to placate him, but I didn’t really know what to say. What was the reaction I was supposed to have to being threatened?
“You bet your ass you’ll be more careful. I called in a few favors and got the target taken off of your back, but that doesn’t mean you’re safe. Mikey is going to be pissed when he hears that no one can touch you and I wouldn’t put it past an ambitious bastard like him to take matters into his own hands. Pack a bag, you’re coming home with me.” He stood up and loomed over me, frowning.
“Are you freaking kidding me? No way in hell am I coming home with you. I’ll take my chances with the ambitious bastard, thanks.” I didn’t know why he was suddenly involving himself in my life again, but I’d be damned if I let myself get sucked back into his world. His world was dangerous and I was done with danger. Well, almost done with danger, but someone had to help these women and I didn’t think I had anything left to lose.
“Fine, I’ll stay here. And while I’m here, I can ask you why you’re living in this tiny crappy apartment. I know you can afford a better place than this.”
I looked around my apartment and frowned. I guessed it did look kind of sad from an outsiders perspective. I didn’t need anymore space than this though, but I could have afforded to live in a nicer building.
“This is fine. It would be stupid to spend a lot of money on a fancy apartment when this works just as well for my needs.”
“Bullshit, Lily. This apartment is just another way to punish yourself. For some reason you’ve got yourself convinced that this is what you deserve and for the life of me I can’t fucking understand why. None of what happened to you is your fault. You don’t have to be miserable. I’ve been watching you Lily, you’re barely existing. It’s time to wake up and get over it.”
I was completely taken aback by his accusations. That wasn’t true, was it? Sure I wasn’t very happy but I was OK with the way things were now. Things were different, things changed after Brett disappeared and I recovered from my injuries. I wasn’t the same person I was before and that’s just the way things were now.
“That’s not true at all. I’m just different than the woman you knew. I’m sorry that you don’t like my apartment or me, apparently but you don’t have to stay here or come anywhere near me ever again.”
“You’re right Lily, I don’t like you. I LOVE you. I never stopped loving you. I’ve just been waiting for you to wake up and realize that you were miserable but obviously you like being miserable. I don’t like being miserable and that’s why I’m here. It kills me that you’re not with me. I hate going to bed alone when I know that you could be there with me. I hate getting calls saying that you’ve narrowly avoided disaster again, and you didn’t even fucking notice. Do you know how many times in the last 6 months that you’ve almost died? 10 times. On ten different occasions guys came after you, sometimes just trying to snatch your purse or steal your car. But you never noticed the guys I’ve had following you. You didn’t notice the idiots with guns and knives coming after you in the dark on your walks home to this shitty apartment. You haven’t noticed anything, at all that goes on around you. I’ve even paid some of your bills that you forgot to pay. You can’t keep going on this way. I won’t let you fade away like this. You are stronger than this.”
I collapsed in a heap on the love seat. Had I really been that blind? Was I really that lost? I knew that I was falling apart on the inside, but I didn’t realize that it was so obvious on the outside. Suddenly I was wrecked. I was sobbing and gasping for breath with tears and snot flowing. I was making this horrible keening noise. How did this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Jackson said I liked being miserable but that wasn’t true. I hated it, I’ve hated waking up and living for the last 6 months but I couldn’t do anything else but just survive.
“I don’t know what to do.” I whispered with tears flowing freely down my cheeks. I curled into myself in the chair, trying desperately to regain some of the warmth I’d lost.
Jackson knelt in front of me and put his hands on mine.
“Please.” He whispered, breaking my heart all over again. “Let me help you.”
I was moved by the raw emotion on his face. He was broken, just like me and it was all my fault. I did this to him, by walking away and trying to save him from the mess of dealing with me and my issues.
“I’m sorry.” I said, not knowing what else to say to fix what I’d destroyed.
He picked me up and carried me to my tiny bedroom. I only had a full sized bed but it was plenty of room for us to lay together, curled into each other. I continued to cry, overwhelmed by everything that had happened to me. It was a breakdown that was long overdue that left me feeling so tired. I fell asleep, soothed by the warmth from Jack’s body and the hope blossoming in my heart.
I woke up the next morning more rested than I’d been in a year. It didn’t immediately register with me that I’d gone to bed with Jackson, but once it clicked I bolted up and looked around. He wasn’t here. I didn’t try to fight the disappointment welling up inside of me. I’d really thought he would have stayed. Had he changed his mind? I believed him when he said he loved me, and I still believed it, but why wasn’t he still here? I padded softly with bare feet into the living room and spotted him at my tiny table staring at his tablet screen.
He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. His suit was rumpled from sleeping in it. Suddenly I was smiling, and feeling happier than I’d felt in too long. I could feel the ice, that had been my defenses, break and crack and melt away. He stayed with me. He came back for me.
He loves me.
I was still looking at him and grinning when he spotted me. He raised a brow at me and smirked.
“See something funny, baby?”
“I like your suit.” I laughed.
He frowned, tried to smooth it and failed miserably. As I walked over to the table I heard him mumble something about wrinkles.
“What are your plans for today, Jack?” I asked him pouring myself a cup of coffee.
“Change suits, move you into my house, and go to work.” He said watching me to see if I would protest.
“Is that really necessary? I know you don’t like my apartment but I don’t think it’s that bad!”
“I picked the locks in about 20 seconds.” He said frowning at me.
“You picked my locks!? I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that. Can you teach me?” This idea was exciting, I could be all sneaky and stuff.
“Any locks you need to pick can be done by me. I’m afraid of what you would do with that knowledge. Move in with me, Lily. Haven’t we suffered enough?” He stood up and came to stand in front of me where I was leaning against the counter top in the tiny kitchen.
“It makes me sad that I hurt you.” I whispered leaning into him and hiding my face.
“It makes me sad that he hurt you. You can do whatever you want to me as long as you always come back.” Jackson took the coffee cup from my hands and set it down on th counter. He used a finger to tilt up my chin so that we were looking into each other’s eyes.
“I’ll always come back, Jackson. I love you.” It was the first time I’d said the words out loud. I’d known it in my heart forever, but I wanted to protect myself.
He closed his eyes as if savoring my words. His lips brushed mine and I sighed. He felt like home to me. He pulled away and checked the time on his phone.
“I’ve got to get going Lily, but I have a guy outside the door who will load up your stuff. I’ve already talked to the building manager and got you out of your lease. If you’d like I can have some of my guys take the furniture to the Women’s shelter.”
Wow. He’d thought of everything. His thoughtfulness was one of my favorite things about him.
“Sure. That sounds great. I’ll see you at home later then.” I smiled at him, finally ready for this huge step we were taking. We’d been to hell and back and maybe I wasn’t back to normal but I wanted to be happy and to make him happy. We’d earned it.
“Home. I like the sound of that.” He kissed me on the forehead and winked. “Bye, baby.”
I stood there for a few minutes smiling to myself. Yesterday I lived in darkness and sadness and as quick as lighting Jackson turned it all around. I looked around my apartment and finally saw this place for what it was. This apartment was a holding pattern. This dirty tiny space was for hiding and punishing myself for something that wasn’t my fault. This apartment was letting Brett win and I couldn’t let that happen. Brett had already taken so much from me, he couldn’t have my future, too. My future was my own, and Jack’s, there was no room for ghosts.
And so, I moved in with Jack. There wasn’t any big event and it didn’t seem to be a big deal. We went about our days the way we did before, only we were together at night. Jackson kept strange hours and there was always some group of hulking men standing around for security. It puzzled me that Jack felt the need to have a security team on the premises at all times. He even had a guy drive me to and from work, he never said anything and I was afraid to ask his name so I just called him Hulk. I never went anywhere alone anymore. Hulk was like my shadow, and most of the time I forgot he was there.
I thought that moving in with Jackson would involve lots and lots of sex, but so far he hadn’t done anything more exciting than kiss me. His phone always seemed to go off, or someone would knock on the door. I was starting to wonder if he was avoiding being intimate for some reason. I wouldn’t have questioned it at all if not for the number of times we’d been interrupted, almost as if it was planned that way. I wanted to ask him about it but I was afraid of the answer, and to be honest I was afraid of what my reaction to sex would be. I had avoided all types of intimacy since the attempted rape and I was never going to date anyone that wasn’t Jack, so I didn’t know if what happened had affected that part of my life.
Chapter Sixteen
I’d been living with Jackson for a couple of weeks when I started to notice things about his space. There were no pictures. He didn’t have family photos, or pictures from his childhood. I blew it off at first, thinking that Jackson just wasn’t a sentimental person, we’d never taken a picture together, so I knew it was likely that he didn’t like them or never thought about it. Then I started talking to him about himself and growing up. Most of our relationship we’d talked about me and my problems and I didn’t notice that he never offered any information about himself. I didn’t know anything about Jackson’s family or past. The only things he talked about were his likes and dislikes, things that revolved around the present. I’d never wanted to push before, but suddenly it drove me crazy that I didn’t know much about him. When I did a search for his name online, nothing came up. Jackson simply didn’t exist on the internet and in this day and age that was unheard of. Was he hiding things or was he just one of those people who’d had a hard life before and didn’t want to relive it? Did it really matter that I didn’t know about his past? I knew his favorite color, food, band, and a host of other information pertaining to his likes and dislikes. I didn’t have a family anymore, maybe Jackson didn’t either. Maybe his family died in a tragedy like mine, and that’s why he didn’t talk about it. The only way I was going to find out the answers to my questions would be to ask. So at dinner that night, when there was a lull in our conversation, I asked him.
“Can I ask you something?” I asked him tentatively hoping I wasn’t bothering him.
“Of course.” He said looking at me, curiosity apparent on his face.
“Why don’t you have any pictures in the house?” I figured I might as well get right to the point.
He looked at me, trying to figure out why I was asking, I guessed.
“I don’t have any childhood memories I’d like to be reminded of.” He returned his attention to his plate and continued eating. I didn’t think his food required that much attention but I took it as a sign that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
I took the hint and didn’t ask him anything else about his past for the rest of the night, and right on cue we were interrupted right after dinner. Jack had to go out and take care of something. I sighed, and shook my head in annoyance after he kissed me on the forehead and walked out the front door. I rolled my eyes when Hulk appeared and sat down in a chair in the living room. I ignored him for a while before it occurred to me that I was missing out on an opportunity to ask questions of someone who may have answerers and didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to talk to me about Jack’s past.
“So how long have you worked for Jackson?” I asked him deciding to warm him up to my other questions.
“A long time.” He said, giving me the least amount of information possible.
“How long is a long time?” I asked, pushing him, but keeping my tone light and friendly.
His brows furrowed infinitesimally and I took that as a sign he was thinking about the answer.
“16 years.” He said, finally.
Wow. Jackson would have been twenty. What did a twenty year old need security for? I’d always assumed that Jackson had found his way into the dark criminal world out of necessity or on accident, but the Hulk’s answer seemed to hint at another option.
“He would have been about twenty? So you know him well, then?” I was trying to find out of he’d known Jackson before he worked for him. Maybe he knew something about Jack’s mysterious childhood.
“As well as anyone.” He said, relaxing a little in his chair. “I’ve known him since we were kids. My dad worked for his.”
I’d been assigned to someone who knew Jack better than anyone else, and was thus the best person I could’ve possibly hoped to find out information from. It made sense though, Jackson wouldn’t have trusted just anyone to keep me safe, someone who knew him for a long time would’ve been the perfect protector in his mind.
I made a gutsy decision to act like I knew about Jackson’s father in an attempt to lead Hulk to give me information thinking he was just talking about things I already knew.
“Your dad worked for his? You didn’t want to follow in his footsteps?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t balk.
“Work for Tony? Nah, I wanted to live to see thirty. I knew Jackson was planning to go out on his own and I always planned to go with him.”
Ah ha! A name. Tony. Jackson’s dad’s name was Tony. A common name in Hartsdale, where the majority of the occupants had some degree of Italian blood. I asked Hulk a few more vague questions about his work and got him talking about his crazy ex-girlfriend.
Around nine I faked a yawn and went up the stairs. I grabbed my laptop from the office and took it into the bedroom and climbed into bed. Once I was settled I turned on the computer, clicked on the internet icon, and typed “Tony Hart” into the search engine. I didn’t get anything that seemed to be connected to Jackson’s father, and I frowned. Why would both Jackson and his father not appear anywhere on the internet? Surely at some point there would be an article or something mentioning them. I thought about everything I’d learned about Jack’s father from Hulk and rethought my search parameters.
I typed “Tony Hartsdale Crime” into the search engine. A few pictures came up and were attached to articles. I clicked on the first one and read. By the end of the article my hand was over my mouth and my stomach was sinking. According to the article Tony Alteri was a known crime boss who had been accused of a vast array of crimes but every time his cases made it to trial witnesses disappeared or evidence was misplaced or mishandled. At first I didn’t want to believe that this man could possibly be Jackson’s father but I couldn’t deny the resemblance. The next search I did was for “Tony Alteri and Jackson.”
I’d began to suspect that Jackson Hart wasn’t his real name, and my suspicions were confirmed when a picture of an article from 20 years ago popped up. The main section of the article was too small and fuzzy to read but I could read the by-line and the caption under the photo just fine. In the picture a young Jackson stood beside his father outside a church wearing all black and looking grim. Jackson was standing a few feet from his father and turned slightly but I could still tell that it was him. According to the article the picture was of Anthony Alteri and his son, Alessandro Jackson Alteri at the funeral for Anna Jackson Alteri. The by-line read “Alteri Family Mourns Passing of Wife and Mother; Another Victim of the Crime War.”
I vaguely remembered all of the chaos and fear of that time. I’d been young, about 8 years old when the crime families started battling each other over territory. There had been a strict curfew at night and I hadn’t been allowed to play outside. My mom and I went to visit my grandmother, who’d recently been diagnosed with cancer. I’d assumed we went because of my grandmother being ill but I’m sure the danger had a lot to do with it too.
I turned off my computer after erasing the search history and collapsed back on the pillows. Alessandro Jackson Alteri, that was his real name. I assumed he changed it to distance himself from his father, but that didn’t stop him from following in his footsteps. I just couldn’t process the new information. Jackson, or Alessandro, was the son of the biggest crime boss in the city. No wonder he was so cold and calculated sometimes. He’d probably grown up watching people killing each other and committing other crimes. I’d assumed that Jackson’s past and his reluctance to talk about it was because of family drama or their disapproval of his life, but that was far from reality. His mother was killed because of his father’s illicit dealings and Jack still went into the family business. Was Jackson really a good person like I’d thought before? Did he kill, traffic people, and deal drugs? I didn’t know much about the crimes Tony Alteri had been accused of but I knew it was more than just minor crimes. Tony Alteri killed people, or had them killed. Did Jackson do the same? What really happened to Brett? Had I left him at the mercy of a conscienceless killer? I was responsible for whatever had been done to Brett because I left him at the mercy of Jackson. I’d thought he would turn him over to the authorities but the ongoing police search for him meant that hadn’t happened. I’d pushed thoughts of Brett’s fate aside and refused to think about him at all but now I wondered. What had Jackson done to him? Did I want to know?
I took a bath and tried to reason everything out. Maybe I was seeing 2 and 2 and adding everything up to equal 76. I didn’t want to believe that Jackson was a criminal mastermind who killed people to get what he wanted. How could I love a person who was capable of that kind of evil? Wouldn’t I know? My mind was full of doubt and question after question. The only way to find out the answers to them and figure everything out, was to ask him. God, I was scared to ask him. Part of me didn’t want to know what he was capable of. I didn’t want his actions to affect me and our relationship. Things were finally getting better. I wanted to get off the roller coaster that had become my life. I was so tired. I didn’t think I could handle another stress and drama filled situation. Was my love for Jackson enough to work through this? Did I love him enough to ignore the illegal and possibly immoral things he did? Did I love him enough to live with my life constantly in danger?
I didn’t know. I loved him, more than I’d ever loved anyone, but did I need to walk away even though it would hurt? I took a sleeping pill, that I’d been prescribed by my new therapist, and got into bed. Whatever the answers were, I could find them out tomorrow. I couldn’t deal with anymore information today. I wanted to go to bed with everything in my world the way it was when I woke up. I had more answers and even more questions than I did this morning, but I needed one more night in this perfectly imperfect illusion we’d created together. Maybe our love and our new life was built on lies but I wanted to bask in it for one more night before everything fell apart.
Jackson had put me back together piece by piece, with patience and care. I knew he loved me and wanted to protect me and keep me safe, but was he the real danger? I guessed I’d find out tomorrow, willing or not.