Damaged (9 page)

Chapter Seventeen

I woke up the next morning and groaned. I’d had a lovely dreamless sleep, but I woke up thinking about everything I’d learned the night before. I looked over to Jackson’s side of the bed and saw that it was undisturbed. He hadn’t gone to bed last night. I wasn’t surprised. It had begun to happen more and more frequently. I was pretty sure he was avoiding me for some reason. Why would he invite me to live with him, if he didn’t want to be around me? It just didn’t make any sense.

I went downstairs and spotted Hulk napping on the couch. I rolled my eyes and pulled my phone out of my pocket. If Hulk was here, that meant Jackson was not. I decided to text Jackson rather than wait around for him to show up.

Me: Where are you, Jackson? Or should I call you Alessandro? I think we need to have a talk.

Jackson: On my way.

It didn’t take Jackson long to get home. I guess finding out his girlfriend knew about his past and that his father was the mob boss encouraged him to drive faster.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Hulk must’ve gotten a text from Jackson because he was awake and moving towards the door.

Jackson walked inside with his mask firmly in place. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking from his facial expression or his body language. He was completely closed off.

“Your dad is Tony Alteri.” I said, breaking the silence.

“Yes.” He said.

This conversation was not going to be easy if he didn’t open up and start communicating.

“Why didn’t you tell me? It’s not like I haven’t been asking.” I understood his reluctance but I’d never given him any reason to believe that I wouldn’t be understanding.

“There never seemed to be a good time. I didn’t want to add to your worries. I didn’t want it to make you run away, screaming.” He sat down in one of the chairs close to me and put his head in his hands.

“Don’t you trust me? Do you know how I felt when I found out? I felt like I didn’t know you. I feel like maybe you have more secrets and that I won’t ever really know you.”

He looked up at me then with anger in his eyes.

“You do know me. I’ve never lied to you about who I really am. My father has nothing to do with the person I am now.”

“How was I supposed to know that? You’ve been keeping secrets, huge secrets. This affects me.”

“It doesn’t affect you if I don’t let it. I’m not like him. I can’t believe you doubted me, after everything I’ve done for you. I show you who I am every time I kiss you, and comfort you. I prove myself every time I tell you how I feel.”

“You could have talked to me about him, about your mom and growing up around that life. I want to know everything about you, but I can’t if you don’t talk to me. I share every thing with you. I fall apart and break down knowing that you love me and understand. It hurts that you don’t feel like you can do that with me. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this is why the Hulk follows me around every day.”

“I was protecting you. I’m always protecting you.” He said, eyes sparking.

“You brought me here to protect me and you have, but you’ve also kept me at a distance. I’ve been worried that you’d changed your mind. I worried that you loved me because you felt responsible for me for some reason and that now that the danger was over, your feelings would change. But the danger isn’t over. It will never be over as long as you’re a part of that world. I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“I don’t know how to do this, Lily. I don’t know how to be soft and emotional. My father killed every hope and positive feeling I had as a child and I never thought I would feel again until I met you. I worry constantly about putting you in danger. It is selfish of me to keep you, when just being with me puts a target on your back. But I can’t let you go. Maybe I’m a danger to you, but the world is a danger to you. You run head first into other people’s issues without stopping to think about who you’re going up against. I would lose my focus if we weren’t together because I’d always be thinking of you and watching you. I’d get us both killed by losing focus and forgetting for even an instant the kind of world I live in. The kind of world you were brought into the minute Brett started dealing with criminals.”

I didn’t know what to say. He’d thought about letting me go to keep me safe, but he’d come to the same conclusion I had. I wouldn’t be any safer without him. I don’t know the in’s and out’s of this messed up world I’d found myself in. I didn’t know who was dangerous and who was just talking. I didn’t know who was on the take and who was out to take them down. There was so much I didn’t know and I hated feeling ignorant and naive.

“I don’t know what to do.” I said, finally. “You’ve never given me any reason to doubt you before now. I don’t like doubting you. It makes me question everything.” I looked at him and he looked at me. We were stuck in this middle ground. Where were we going to go from here? Could we handle this issue and any problem his connections might create?

I believed him when he said he loved me and he wanted to keep me safe. I could see the logic behind keeping his father and his past a secret. There was still so much left to talk about though. There were other questions I needed answers to.

“What did you do with Brett?” I asked him, deciding I needed this answer first. The answer to that question would provide some insight into his character and his ability to control his anger.

“He’s far away from here, and he will never come back. You don’t have to worry about him ever again.”

“Did you kill him?” I asked, not sure that his answer told me the whole story.

“No.” He said after a pause. “I did not kill him. I knew that you couldn’t deal with that.”

I was overwhelmed with relief. He didn’t kill him. I knew he wanted to with every fiber in his being, but he didn’t. If he could restrain himself from killing Brett after what he saw, I could trust him not to let himself become like his father. I wasn’t responsible for getting a man killed. Maybe he deserved to die after what he did to me, and I almost couldn’t believe that I could think of him and feel merciful but I could. I didn’t want his death on my conscience. I’d already done some questionable things, made some decisions that came close to crossing the line. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to be a bad person who put herself before others. I believed in justice and I didn’t think that any one person should be in charge of another person’s fate.

“OK. Thank you. I don’t think I would be OK knowing that I was responsible for another man’s death.” I took a deep breath and thought of my next question. He’d passed a huge test with his last answer, and I hoped he’d continue to show me that I could trust him to think before he acted. “Why did you decide to break away from your Dad?”

“My father is a monster. I’ve known for as long as I can remember that he is evil. He kills without remorse, and nothing is more important to him than control and being feared. He had my mom killed when I was 16. She was going to the police and trying to get away from him. She couldn’t handle what he did. She didn’t want me to grow up and turn into the same type of man that he is. She was everything that he isn’t. She was kind, loving and gentle. She didn’t deserve the life she got. She thought he was romantic and sweet. He fooled her, just like he does most people that meet him. He is good at pretending to be something he’s not. I’m not like him, and I hope I never end up like him. We live in a world where people don’t play fair. No one follows the rules and sometimes to get ahead and to stay safe you have to break a few rules. I had to show the Families that I wasn’t to be messed with. I had to show them that I wouldn’t let them murder me while I was walking down the street just to send a message to my father. So I learned how to get ahead. I learned how to stay safe. I’ve done a few favors and helped them out of a few sticky situations. I’ve killed before, and I may kill again, but I haven’t hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. I’ve killed to keep my friends safe, and I will keep killing to keep you safe if I have to. Nothing is more important to me than you. No one will ever be able to come between us, I won’t let them.”

Maybe being around all of the craziness had affected my logic and I’d gotten used to threats and death, but it didn’t bother me that he killed people who deserved it. I liked the protective instinct he had. He cared about people, I couldn’t fault him for that. I’d seen first hand how crooked things were in Hartsdale. If he wasn’t smart and aware of what was going on, they’d kill him or control him.

He came over and sat by me, taking my hands.

“It will never be easy to be with me, Lily, but I can promise you it will always be worth it. No one will love you as fiercely as I do. No one will protect you as well as I can. No one can provide for you the way I can, and no one will ever make you feel the way I can. I will never let you go. I am perfect for you, and you are perfect for me. You make me feel in a way that I used to think would make me weak. You make me strong and more focused. For you I would conquer worlds, I would take on anyone that got in my way.”

“I’ve been worried that you changed your mind. You haven’t touched me since we got back together. I know you’ve been making excuses to leave. Is it because of what happened with Brett?” I needed to know the answers to all of my questions so that I could make sure that I didn’t hide my thoughts and concerns from him. I didn’t want secrets between us, and I didn’t want to feel dominated or like my concerns weren’t important.

“I didn’t want to push you to be intimate before you were ready. You’re still a little jumpy. You jump and scoot away when I comfort you after a nightmare. I know you don’t ever remember it, but it bothers me that you are still afraid.”

I frowned. I had no idea that I did that. I knew that I still had the dreams sometimes, but they were less frequent especially now that I had medicine to help me sleep.

“I’m sorry. I wish there was some magic solution that would help me get passed it. In my heart, I know you won’t hurt me, but I’m still a little skittish I guess. I want you, and it hurts when you pull away, but I understand. It’s hard to be with someone who is broken.”

“You aren’t broken, Lily. You’re bruised, and bruises take time to heal. They fade away slowly and then they’re gone. I love you enough to be patient. My dick can wait, it might not want to, and it might be hard but it can wait. When you’re ready we’ll have sex again. We can wait as long as you need. I don’t want our relationship tarnished by him. He’s taken enough from us. He won’t take anything else.”

“Thank you.” Was the only thing I could say. It bothered me that what Brett did to me was still affecting my life. I guessed it was too much to ask for to have the pain and repercussions magically disappear.

I believed Jackson when he said that he wasn’t like his father. Jackson had goodness in him and the ability to make moral judgments, but there was a darkness in Jackson that lurked beneath the surface. He was telling the truth when he said he would do anything to keep me safe. It was a powerful feeling knowing that he was so devoted to me, that he loved me that much, but I felt the pressure of being in a relationship with someone whose anger could end lives. What would he do if I went to lunch with another man who happened to be a friend? Would he over react? I needed to know that what Jackson was saying was true, that he wasn’t like his father and that he trusted me.

“Do you trust me Jack? I need to know that if I go eat lunch with a friend, who is a guy, that you won’t make him disappear. I need to know that you can exercise control and not react in anger when you see something that concerns you. I need to know that you will ask first and act second.”

“Of course I trust you. I know that you’re loyal to me. I can’t promise I won’t get jealous or angry, but I won’t put out a hit on a guy without knowing that he is guilty.” I looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m kidding, I don’t just go around having people killed, and if I do, I’m sure they deserve it. I watch out for the people in this town who can’t watch out for themselves. There are too many unsavory characters who break the rules without regard to what it does to Hartsdale. I won’t pretend to be a hero, but I’m not a villain.”

I looked into his eyes and saw truth in them. He’d argued so passionately against his father that I had to believe him. There was pain in his eyes every time he referred to the man who raised him. Jackson had done a lot of things, broken a lot of laws, but I knew in my heart that he was a man I could count on. Our relationship may be unusual and different but it worked for us. I’d run away from him and the heartbreak he’d always had the potential to inflict, but I came back trusting him to take care of me and my fragile heart.