“Do you know him?”
“Farah, why would I know him?”
“He…I just don’t want to go back.”
“You’re not going anywhere, baby. You’re staying here with me.”
“He could come. He could take me.”
Gaze darkening, Cooper whispered in a hard voice. “If he tried, he’d be dead before he put a hand on you.”
Nodding, I tried to tell myself how Travis didn’t care about me. He hadn’t come for me all these years and he never would. Wanting to be rational, I still felt his rough hands on me. I hurt between my legs like I did when he was done. He had marked me again in the dream and I would never be free.
After a short time, Cooper stood up and walked to the next room. Hating to be alone, I still flinched when he returned. He seemed bigger now. His shoulders wider, his face harsher, his whole demeanor reeked of potential violence.
Instead of hitting me, Cooper lowered a blanket behind the chair so I could cover myself. I stared at him as he sat back down. We studied each other for a long time as I waited for something bad to happen or the fear to fade. Neither occurred, leaving me stuck behind the chair for hours.
Cooper tried twice to caress my face and both times I jerked back and away from his touch. After the second attempt, he stood up and left the room. I heard the front door open and assumed he was leaving. Then, his big ugly dog Rafe waltzed into the room with Cooper following behind.
In his hand, Cooper held a gun and I pushed farther back into the corner. “No one,” he said, kneeling down by the chair, “will come here and take you. If they do, Rafe will wake us up and I’ll kill the fucker. No one is hurting you or taking you away from me. Do you understand?”
Staring into his dark eyes, I did understand. I craned my neck so I could see Rafe comfortable in the corner. When I looked back at Cooper, he sighed.
“Baby, it’s nearly six in the morning. The sun is coming up and you need to sleep. I need rest too, so let’s go to bed and I’ll keep you safe. I won’t even touch you, but I need you to go to bed.”
“You love me,” I said in a rough, exhausted voice.
“More than anything else. I will never let that piece of shit or anyone else come here and hurt you. You are mine and that makes you untouchable. Do you understand?”
Nodding again, I crawled out from behind the chair and Cooper helped me stand. He stepped back, willing to keep his distance to avoid scaring me. Reaching for him, I knew he would keep me safe. If I couldn’t shake the fear of the dream, I could at least know Cooper was someone Travis wouldn’t screw with. Rationally, I knew Travis likely forgot I existed, but I wasn’t rational. I was primal and the monster was always waiting to ruin me again. With Cooper though, I was safe.
We walked to bed where Cooper’s body warmed me until I could sleep. I dozed off, praying not to dream. When I woke up hours later, it was like I was in heaven. I literally had a smile on my face while opening my eyes, refreshed after a horrible night. The sun was out, but hidden by Cooper’s dark shades. I could see a hint of light around the edges of the window as I glanced at the clock.
“Eleven o’clock!” I cried as if yelling might turn back time.
Before I could freak out more, and I was already freaking out pretty badly, Cooper appeared at the door then rushed to the bed.
“Don’t freak.”
“I overslept. Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“You’re kidding, right?” When I started crying, Cooper realized I wasn’t kidding. “Baby,” he said, wrapping his arms around me, “I woke up just before the alarm went off and there was no way I was waking you up after two hours of sleep. Not after the night you had.”
“I’m missing school.”
“It’s okay. I called a woman in administration and she’s having someone in each of your classes take notes. You won’t miss anything.”
“I’m going to get in trouble,” I mumbled against his chest.
“It’s college, not high school. No one takes attendance at New Hampton.”
Staring up at him, I tried to stop crying, but I felt like I would be punished for missing a day of school.
“Since you’re already upset, I’m dumping this on you too. I called in sick at your job.”
Breathing too quickly, I shrugged him off. “You don’t care.”
Cooper wanted to be angry. His jaw set and his lips pressed together in a grim frown. Then, he cracked his neck. “Explain how I don’t care about my baby needing time off?”
“I need money to pay for things.”
“I’ll pay for your lost wages.”
“I don’t want your money.”
“My money. Denny’s money. What difference does it make?”
I was angry. Outraged really, but I’d quickly become accustomed to seeking comfort from Cooper. So I snuggled against him then glared into his irritated eyes.
“You can’t just do whatever you want.”
“Yes, I should have woken you up to ask if you wanted to sleep. That makes sense.”
“Don’t make fun of me.”
“Don’t be a dipshit.”
Pulling away, I found myself in his grip. His arms refused to relent and I gave up.
“Let’s try this again,” he said after a minute. “You had a tough night. So did I. In fact, it was the worst night of my life to be honest. You needed rest. I needed it too, so I made a decision. I did what you couldn’t and I’m not sorry. You need to relax or you’ll burn out.”
Saying nothing, I listened to his heartbeat. When I didn’t complain, he began stroking my hair.
“I want to have my dream,” I whispered, relaxed now. “I need to prove to my family that I’m not a loser.”
“You’re not a loser. Everyone in your family either knows that or can’t admit it because then they might be a loser. You need to stop worrying about what other people think.”
“Except you, right?”
“Hell yeah,” he whispered, grinning down at me.
Smiling, I kissed his chest. “I don’t know what happened last night.”
Cooper said nothing and I forced myself to look up at him. He watched me with the same pained expression as the night before.
“You had a bad dream,” he finally said.
Wanting to apologize, I sensed he would be bothered by it. Instead, I sighed. “You took care of me.”
Just as I hoped, Cooper gave me a little grin. He was like a kid sometimes, needing reassurance. The guy who asked his mom for relationship advice wasn’t always the scary beast he showed to the world.
“So we’ll study later?”
“Sure, but I was thinking we could clean up and go to lunch at the Italian place we had our first real date at. Or we can go somewhere else. I want you to have a good lunch since you skipped breakfast.”
“That would be really nice,” I said, smiling up at him.
“Then, maybe we could go to the movies.”
While I wanted to hide how excited I was by this idea, Cooper was no fool.
“Tell me you’ve been to the movies before.”
“Once when I was little, my grandma took me and Tawny.”
“Who doesn’t go to the fucking movies? I see poor people at them all the time. Trailer trash with their loud kids at the ten o’clock showing.”
“It’s not something we could waste money on.”
“Well, we’re definitely going then. So lunch, movies, we’ll pick up your notes, do a little studying before a nice dinner. Finally, back here for swimming and hopefully you’ll be up for a little loving.”
“Why not now?” I asked, kissing his jaw.
“We should wait.”
“Are you not in the mood?” I asked, nuzzling his neck. Cooper took my hand and set it on the erection in his shorts. “Then, why wait?”
“It’s the sex, right?” he asked, frowning back at me. “Whenever we do it a lot, you have these nightmares. When we keep it to once or twice, you sleep fine. I figure we’ll wait.”
“Is it healthy for you to walk around like that?”
“I’m wearing my loose jeans, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I wouldn’t mind being close before we go.”
Cooper said nothing for a moment then sighed. “Last night was really bad.”
“It’s not only the sex. It’s the walls. You wanted them to come down and they are. Not everything you’ll see will be pretty.”
“I know,” he said softly. “It just breaks my heart to see all that terror in your eyes and know a little part of you is afraid of me.”
“It’s not you.”
Cooper said nothing for a few minutes and I started worrying. Finally, he ran his hand down the back of my hair as he spoke. After a false start, he forced out the words.
“There was this chick I knew from my freshman year. She was ra…sexually assaulted at a party.” When I immediately tensed in his arms, Cooper caressed my head again. “The guy was dealt with, but she was still messed up from what happened. She felt guilt and shame, but then she saw a therapist. Months after it happened, she seemed better. She was able to move past it enough to be happy. I’m not really into all that feelings crap, but maybe a therapist would help you?”
“Help me how? Get me to stop crying during sex?” I asked, angry to have him pushing me on something he knew nothing about.
Cooper suddenly loosened his grip and stared at me. The hurt in his eyes would have bothered me if I wasn’t so edgy already.
“Fuck you,” he muttered, nearly looking ready to cry. “How cold are you to say that?”
“Why are you asking me to see a therapist? I said we don’t talk about stuff in my family. I told you, but you want to fix me. First, you wanted the walls down then you don’t like what you see so you want to fix me. It’s all about you.”
“I love you,” he said in something between a growl and a whimper. “I love you and you look at me like I’m going to hurt you. Like I’m a monster. I see that fear and I want to fix things. I want you to be okay because you’re not. You’re damaged and not talking about it won’t fix anything. You think being a teacher and getting good grades will fix all this shit messed up inside you, but those are Band-Aids like not talking about it. You deserve to be happy.”
Pulling free, I moved to the other side of the bed and stared at him. He was right in some ways. Maybe in all of the ways, but I felt cornered, attacked even. He was judging me, calling me damaged. True or not, I wanted away from him.
Cooper watched me for a minute then something changed on his face. The pained and slightly angry expression was gone. I could almost see his big brain churning as the hardness on his face eased away.
“You’re mine, baby. No matter what you’ll always be mine. I just need you to be really happy. Not going through the motions or happy for anything you can get happy. I want you to be joyously fucking happy and you can’t be that way because you have all this pain you’re holding behind those walls. Hell yeah, I want them down. I want every part of you open to me, but that pain isn’t going anywhere.”
“My dad is a gambler,” I said, eyes on the wall and away from him. I just said the words without any thought behind them. Cooper needed something from me. To understand, I guess. He needed that and I needed him.
“A grifter too. He’s always stealing money to pay off his debts, but sometimes his cons don’t pay off in time. When that happened one time, he left town to find someone who owned him money. He told Mom if the people came around she should convince them that he was coming back with their money. If they wanted something to tide them over, she should give them her ring. My great-grandmother gave Mom the ring and she loved it. I didn’t think she wanted to give it up, but Dad told her she might have to because the people were dangerous.”
Pausing, I pretended Cooper wasn’t there. Also, pretended I wasn’t saying the words out loud. They were all in my head, safe from my heart. Just a bad dream to be forgotten when I woke up.
“The men showed up and they didn’t care about Mom’s excuses. Tawny was always so smart about people and I think she understood. She begged Mom to give them the ring. I remember thinking someone was attacking my mom because she started screaming and ran away. She ran down the hall to our room and locked the door. Even with her freaking out, I still didn’t understand what was happening. We were always owing someone money and hiding from people. It always worked out though.”
Looking at the light seeping in around the shades, I didn’t think as I continued, “Tawny understood. She was twelve, but she knew we were in trouble. She took out twenty dollars…” Pausing, I bit back tears. “She had worked around the motel and the manager gave her twenty dollars. She was so excited because we were going to Dairy Queen to eat dinner for my birthday. She had worked so hard for that money, cleaning up nasty stuff in the pool. She earned the money, but she offered the biker guys her twenty for collateral. That’s when I understood.”
Inching away from Cooper reflexively, I wasn’t even sure if he had moved towards me.
“Travis said what the fuck were they going to do with twenty dollars? Then, he said they needed real collateral. Even though he said that, the bastard still took her money. She worked so hard for those twenty dollars.”
Wiping the tears falling down my cheeks, I moved away from Cooper even more, leaving me pressed against the headboard.
“Dad came for us a week later,” I said, hearing Cooper exhale hard in response. “He paid the men and he took us back to the motel, but he didn’t have us come inside. He just grabbed our stuff and packed up the car and we left. We didn’t speak of my mom for years as if she never existed. Only when Dad started relying on my grandma’s money did he acknowledge how he was once married to her daughter. Otherwise, Mom was just a memory.”