“I’ll never make
you beg for anything more than orgasms.”
Raven glanced at
me and smiled. “You’re very compassionate that way.”
“I really am.
It’s my curse.”
Raven set her
beer down. “I’m in a shitty mood and I want to smoke a pack of cigarettes and
drink until I barf. I’m not doing those things, but I will fuck you until I
can’t feel my legs. As my fuck buddy, it’s your duty to help me.”
“I take my fuck
buddy responsibilities very seriously. Now, let’s get you naked, so I can start
the healing.”
Laughing, Raven
jumped to her feet and ran for the bedroom. Any awkwardness I might have felt
about fucking in Cooper’s old room, let alone on his bed, ended when I saw the
blonde goddess jumping around naked on the mattress. The healing process had
officially commenced.
Three hours
later, we dozed off exhausted. Four hours later, I woke in a fit of panic.
Cuddled up with Raven, I was on my way to losing my damn mind.
What was my plan
anyway? Wait until she woke up then we’d go to dinner. Maybe a movie or
bowling. Then, we’d spend the night together. By the end of the week, we’d be talking
marriage and baby carriages. I’d walk around with a stupid smile on my face,
not at all concerned about my missing balls. Or the death sentence hovering
over me.
No, I wasn’t
whipped yet. It wasn’t too late to stop the downward spiral into stupid. For
Raven’s sake as much as mine, I needed to pull away and remember why they
called me Outlaw. I belonged nowhere and to no one. Despite everything Raven
offered, nothing had changed. I was a murderer with blood on my hands and a
bounty on my head.
Raven was asleep
when I slipped out of her place and drove away. I left a text about hooking up
with her as soon as my cock healed. Even trying to keep it light, I knew she
would be pissed. At least, that’s what I hoped.
My sickness
hadn’t ended with a bout of abstinence. I was still drawn to bad men who used
then tossed me aside. The upside was this time I hadn’t lost my heart or mind.
I’d simply lost my panties.
I couldn’t find
them anywhere.
After a shower,
I retrieved a new pair like I could never find a new heart. Friends with
benefits. Fuck buddies. Whatever we called it was a definite step in the right
direction romance-wise. Too bad the idiot had to be a jackass too.
Vaughn sent a
short text about hitting me up soon. I wanted to hit him up right then. A punch
followed by more sex, but he was gone. At least, he hadn’t turned clingy
because this arrangement worked for me.
As annoying as
it was to have Vaughn ditch me while I slept, I felt great. Didn’t even have an
urge for my Nicorette. I was hungry though and the fridge was rather empty
except for beer and juice.
The Johanssons had
opened their home to me in a completely unexpected way. During the years I
spent in Ellsberg, I heard plenty of things about this family. I knew they had
the power to make troublemakers disappear. When I was about to start second
grade and my mom left me and Lark in the car, I watched Kirk drag a man behind
a building.
Minutes later, he
came out, but the man never did. I imagined all sorts of things about what happened
to the man, but I never told Lark. She was reading a book and enjoying the
fantasy world it provided. The real world was ugly and the Johanssons were like
beautiful monsters.
These days, they
were a family who adopted me for no reason besides my sister married their
son’s friend. Walking into the house, I found Bailey sitting on the couch with
Sawyer on the floor in front of her. They were watching a wilderness men show
while Bailey braided her sister’s wavy hair. Outside, Jodi was napping under an
umbrella while Kirk read off a Kindle next to her.
“Abstinence
didn’t work for you, huh? Bailey muttered, glaring at me.
“How did you
know? Do I smell? I asked, thinking I’d scrubbed in the shower.
Sawyer grinned.
“You got kissed by a vacuum cleaner.”
Confused until
Sawyer pointed at my neck, I remember the hickeys. “Giving up the cigs is hard.
I needed another release.”
“Mom will stop
smoking when she turns sixty,” Sawyer said, braiding her doll’s hair like
Bailey did hers. “She doesn’t want to rush into the decision.”
Joining them on
the couch, I asked even though I already knew the answer. “Are you mad?”
Bailey exhaled
hard. “Tell me it wasn’t a big dumb blond loser with long hair like a girl.”
Sawyer giggled.
“We should braid Vaughn’s hair.”
Smiling, I wanted
to reassure Bailey. “It’s not serious.”
“Whore,” she
said, clearly not reassured. “Stupid whore.”
“Uh-oh!” Sawyer
cried. “She’s going to kick your ass.”
“No, I’m not.
I’m too nice for that. I’m just going to hate Raven quietly and occasionally
call her a whore.”
“And stupid,” I
said, giving her a small smile.
“Well, you are
stupid.”
“I’m sorry. I’m
just not as strong as you.”
Like someone
flicked a switch, Bailey’s face lit up. “I
am
very strong. Determined.”
“No punching, I
guess,” Sawyer said, looking at the TV.
Bailey wrapped a
band at the end of Sawyer’s braid. “All done.”
Standing up,
Sawyer felt the braid. “Thank you. I love you, Bailey.”
After the
sisters hugged, Sawyer ran off to wherever she went when she wasn’t around.
“Farah trained
Sawyer to be less evil,” Bailey said, setting her feet on the coffee table. “I
should send my sister-in-law a fruit basket or something.”
“Are you mad?”
“No. Do you want
to go swimming?”
“Sure. I’m
restless.”
“Too much sex
will do that.”
Once in our
bikinis, we grabbed leftover chicken and headed to the pool. Stomachs full, we
jumped in immediately because the Johanssons didn’t believe in the thirty
minute rule.
“What was it
like fucking Vaughn? He seems like he’d be selfish in bed.”
“Vaughn is the
best fuck I’ve ever had. Not that I’ve had a lot of really great lovers or
anything. Vaughn isn’t sensitive in bed. He fucks hard and fast. I like that
though. He can also go and go. I like that too. Oh, he is sensitive enough to
go down on a chick. At least, he did with me. More than once. I
really
like that.”
Bailey grinned,
but her eyes looked irritated. “The guys I fuck are lame. Half of the time I
don’t come. When I do, it’s usually because I did all the work. I haven’t been
fucked well ever. I hate you a little right now.”
“That’s okay. I
hate you all the time. Look at this house and your parents. I also like how
nicely you tan. I usually get blotchy.”
Bailey smiled
again and this one brightened her eyes. “I like that you’re jealous of me. I know
I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.”
“Don’t worry
about pretending to be nice around me. I like having a bitchy friend. Lark has
been my best friend since birth and her niceness makes me feel like an
asshole.”
“I think she’s
nice because she’s tiny. If she were taller, she could be a bitch more. That’s
my theory anyway.”
“Probably. What
she lacks in size and strength, she makes up for in speed. I could never catch
the little bitch when we’d play tag. I guess everyone has their skills.”
Bailey dipped
her head into the water then came back up refreshed. “Don’t get too attached to
Vaughn.”
“Not a problem.
He’s a fuck buddy. Well, he was. I don’t know after he ditched me. The guy is
weird.”
“Very weird, but
he’s allowed to be that way because of how he’ll be dead soon.”
Goosebumps rose
over my skin and I shivered. Vaughn wasn’t a nice guy and he pissed me off.
Despite his asshole personality, he was full of life and I couldn’t imagine all
of his energy snuffed out.
“Why dead?” I
asked quietly. “I knew he was an outlaw or something from his old motorcycle
club. What happened?”
Bailey shrugged
and glanced around. “No one really tells me anything. I just know he showed up
years ago with some girl and Pop said he killed an important asshole in the
Devils. He’s been on borrowed time since then. I don’t know why, but lately the
Devils are pushing hard to have Vaughn killed.”
“What girl?”
“Harlow. I saw her when they arrived and she was around my age. Beat up and skittish. She
reminded of the old cat I had. We found Rainbow by the pond and she was kind of
feral. We cleaned her up and fed her and took care of her, but every little
noise made her run and hide. She was scared of the dogs. Sawyer would get loud
and the cat would hide for hours. Eventually, she just ran off. That’s how Harlow seemed. Everything made her jump and she was always hiding behind Vaughn. If he
moved, she moved with him.”
“Where is she
now?”
“The cat or Harlow?”
“Both.”
“I don’t know
about Rainbow. Dogs probably ate her. Harlow lives with the Todds. They take in
runaways or other fucked up kids from clubs. Like a charity or something. Tad
Todds is the local minister for the Reapers. He’s all religious, but not in a
boring lame way. Anyway, they had moved to Tennessee for the ministry, but came
back when the Devils said they wanted Harlow dead too.”
“Sounds like
bullshit. Vaughn’s one guy. Who could he have killed that was such a big deal?”
“Who cares?
Vaughn was their enforcer. He cleaned up the Devils’ messes then went and made
a mess. They want him cleaned now.”
“Your dad won’t
let that happen, will he?”
Even knowing I
sounded like a whiny kid, Vaughn was too beautiful and funny to die. I imagined
him saving that girl and being a hero. While I wasn’t an idealistic person, I
liked the thought of him killing an evil fuck and plucking the abused child
from hell.
Vaughn was just special.
I wasn’t sure why he was special besides the sex and how he made me laugh. No
matter what made him remarkable, I wanted him to live a long happy life.
“Pop’s not
really running stuff anymore. It’s on Coop and cutting Vaughn loose might be
easier than dealing with the Devils’ shit.”
“It’d make him
look weak,” I said, immediately regretting the words.
“Cooper isn’t
weak,” Bailey hissed and I thought she might hit me. I knew I’d hit her back
and things would get messy. “He has to think about the whole club and the
family business. That’s not easy. You don’t know the pressure, bitch.”
“No, but I know
men and their images. If Cooper hands over Vaughn, it’ll send the signal that
he’s weaker than your dad. That won’t be good for the club or the business.”
“Eat it, Raven.
I know you like fucking Vaughn, but shut up about my family’s problems.”
Rolling my eyes,
I swam to the other end of the pool and ignored her. Bailey did what she always
did when insecure. She looked for someone to fix the hole inside her.
“You shouldn’t
talk about my family,” she said, swimming to where I waited.
“I care about
your family. Other than Lark, my family is shit and I would waste them all to
protect your family. I just know how people like those Devils view weakness.
Once they smell it, they keep pushing.”
“I like Vaughn
too, you know. I don’t want him to die, but it’s not easy for Cooper.”
“I wasn’t saying
he was weak,” I whispered, my tone settling the anger in her eyes. “I’m saying
if he gives an inch now that it’ll be more work for him later.”
“I know. He
knows that too.”
“I’m sorry I
upset you. Sometimes, I mouth off in a way that seems bitchier than I mean.”
Bailey sighed.
“They don’t tell me anything. They act like I’m not smart enough, but they tell
Tucker and he’s way dumber than me. I should know stuff too.”
“Maybe they
don’t think you want to be part of the business.”
“I’d help Coop,
if he let me. I know he works hard. He still has to do the law school shit. I
want him to be with Farah and be happy, but he pushes me aside like I’m dumb
and weak.”
“He’s just
trying to protect you like you protect him.”
Bailey smiled
slightly. “I do protect him. I don’t like anyone messing with my family.”
“You’re barely
nineteen and they see you as a kid. One day, they’ll see you as a woman and
give you more responsibility.”
“I could handle
it too. I would work hard for the family, if they let me.”
“I know,” I
said, swiping away the wet hair from her eyes. “One day, they’ll know too.”
When Bailey
smiled again, she seemed so young. “I don’t want Vaughn to die.”
“He’s tough. So
are Cooper and Judd. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Bailey nodded.
“Do you think he’ll be your boyfriend now?”
“Vaughn isn’t
interested in that shit and I can’t fall for anyone. Especially not him. I just
needed to blow off steam and he’s great for that,” I said, smiling despite my
worries over him. “I might have broken my abstinence plan when it came to
fucking, but I’m still abstaining from falling in love with assholes.”
“I hope I find
someone nice one day,” Bailey muttered, glancing at the sunset. “I see everyone
in love and I get jealous. I’ve never been in love before. It looks fun.”
“It’s not,” I
told her, grumpy now. “Love hurts and it kills a part of your heart when the
relationship ends. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find what your parents have. Or
maybe you’ll end up like me. A loser who embarrasses herself again and again.
If I were you, I’d wait until you think it’s like your parents. Even if you
have to wait for a long time.”
Bailey studied me
then caressed my cheek. “You’ll find someone good. Everyone has a perfect
person for them. That’s what my mom said and she’s always right. We just need
to find our perfect person then everything will work and we won’t be lonely.”
“We’ll go on
double dates and have playdates with our cute kids. It’ll be aces, baby.”
A laughing
Bailey swam backwards. “Do you want to hang out tonight?”
“Sure. I had
planned to bug Lark, but she might want alone time with her man.”
“We’ll be annoying
like that one day and people will mock us.”
Following Bailey
out of the pool, I doubted I could ever love a man who wouldn’t treat me like
shit. Plenty of good men existed, but they didn’t interest me. Plenty of losers
existed who I might swoon over. Yet, I didn’t want to give my kids a turd for a
dad. Despite a great night with a bad man, I was going to end up using a
honky-tonk sperm donor one day.
“Can I come?”
Sawyer asked, appearing from the yard.
“We don’t know
where we’re going.”