Authors: Bec Botefuhr
“Come on Willow, wait!”
Ace grips my arm and swings me around. My hand raises and connects with his face so hard he stumbles backwards and falls onto the sand. Anger…anger that I’ve held in for so long, finally comes to the surface. I leap on top of him and I drive my fist into his jaw. He roars with pain and grips my arms, yanking me down so he can wrap his arms around me and hold onto me so tightly, I can’t move.
“How could you?” I scream into his chest. “I loved you guys, I trusted you and you all left me alone. Now you think you can
just come back? How dare you Ace!”
“I know,” he whispers. “I know what we did. We were following
orders, we thought it was for the best. At that point, it was just too dangerous for you to try and save him. It would have only ended badly.”
“So what’s changed?” I scream, shoving myself off him and rolling onto the sand beside him. I sit, tucking my knees to my chest and burying my face in my hands.
“Cody.”
It’s one,
simple word, and yet it has me snapping my head up.
“What did you say?”
“I said Cody. He changes everything.”
“How dare you,” I whisper, my voice like steel. “You didn’t want to help me, you just sent me on my way, heartbroken and alone…and now you
want to help because of my son?”
“I know how it sounds,” Ace says. “Believe me
Willow, I’m fucking gutted for leaving you the way we did. I honestly can’t tell you how bad I feel about that. I thought I was protecting you. That world was so dangerous and if you went back, you risked putting yourself into life as a slave and I wasn’t going to be the one to help you do that, but then Jenny rang me and…”
“Jenny!” I shriek. “All along you’re who she was speaking to?”
He nods.
“I’ll kill her, I’ll kill her!”
“No, you won’t. Listen to me Willow, she called a few weeks ago and told us about Cody. She said you weren’t getting any better and that we needed to make a decision regarding Jagger. So we did that, and we’ve decided to get him back. We found out he’s fighting in Florida this month and it all just worked out how it was meant to. That boy needs his dad, and you need him.”
I
cover my face again. I’m so angry and confused. I want to punch and hug Ace all at the same time. I’m so angry that it took Cody to make him see that we needed to save Jagger. I’m so hurt that I wasn’t enough and yet I’m so grateful that he’s willing to help. I also can’t believe Jagger is so close, and I might not have known about it if they hadn’t showed up.
“So I wasn’t enough to help?”
I whisper in a small, childlike voice.
Ace winces.
“Kid, come on, you know I love you. We all do, but Jagger made us swear. He didn’t want you to go after him, he knew whatever Mick had planned would be bad and he didn’t want you involved.”
“You were my friends,” I say, standing. “You were my friends and you just abandoned me. That’s not good enough
, Ace. I appreciate what you’re doing now, and I get that you couldn’t help me back then but that’s not what broke my heart. What broke my heart is that you all left me when you knew the pain I was going through. You cut contact and left me. I can’t forgive you for that.”
I turn and walk off. I stroll slowly down the long stretch of beach in front of me. I know Cody will be safe with Ava. Tears burn in my eyes, but I refuse to let them out. I haven’t had a break down since the day I left Jagger on that island, and I won’t have one now. I won’t. I’m stronger than that. I’ve hardened my heart. I’ve learnt how to deal with things.
When the sun begins setting, I know I have to get back. With a pained sigh, I turn and walk back towards the house. When I get in, everyone is sitting at the dining table talking. My son is bouncing on Angel’s knee. I walk over, pull him off then turn and stride down the hall. Everyone has gone silent, like I didn’t notice. I step into the bathroom and run a bath for Cody. I strip him off and put him in. He splashes and gurgles, completely oblivious. Oh to be young and carefree again.
“Hey little man, is that fun
?” I say, stroking his cheek.
He grips my finger and slides it into his mouth, go
oing and gahing as he slobbers all over it.
“Oh
ew,” I say, sliding it out and smiling at him. He’s the only one who sees me smile. “Yukky!”
He laughs and splashes, sending water flying all over me. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don’t turn.
“Willow?”
It’s Jenny. I don’t look at her. I’m so angry. I know why she went to the boys, but what I don’t know, is why she didn’t bother to tell me. We’re sisters, but before that we’re best friends and she lied to me.
“I know you’re mad at me, but I didn’t know what else to do.”
I spin around and glare at her. “You lied to
me, you snuck around behind my back. They didn’t want to help me Jenny, they left me alone and didn’t help me when I needed it and now you want me to just let them in?”
“You have to let someone in,” she whispers.
“WHY?” I scream.
“Why? B
ecause if you don’t you’ll drown. You have a son, and he needs you but you’re not there.”
“How dare you?” I snarl, standing and getting in her face. “How DARE you tell me I’m not there for him.”
“I don’t mean it in the way you think,” she quickly says, “I mean that emotionally you’re vacant, Willow. You love him, he has everything he wants but he’s getting older. Do you think he won’t feel the emptiness you carry around?”
“He was everything to me!” I scream, trembling. “He was my life line and now h
e’s gone. Nothing any of you do can make that ok again. Life without him WILL NEVER BE OK!”
I’m shaking so hard my teeth are rattling together. I can’t breathe, and I begin heaving.
“Take Cody, please, put him to bed.”
I barely manage to whisper the words before stumbling out of the bathroom. I get into my room and fall to the ground, and I scream. I scream so loudly it hurts.
Everyone wants to fix something that can’t be fixed. I can’t just make myself ok. It’s my fault Jagger is there, I let them take him. I didn’t fight hard enough to make sure he didn’t come after me. I will never be ok without him.
A set of strong arms wrap around me and I jerk away. I don’t want comfort, I don’t want to break down, but I do. Tears spill over and I begin wailing like a small, fragile child. I shake, scream, cry and heave until I can’t breathe. My body is being rocked, and I fight it. I shove and push at the hard chest pressed against my cheek. I push but I don’t free myself. He’s too strong.
“Fight me, but I won’t let you go.”
Ace.
Always Ace.
“Let me go,” I snarl. “Let me go!”
“No.”
“He was everything!” I scream, shaking my head from side to side.
“Everything!”
“I know, and we’re going to get him back.”
“It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.”
“No, don’t you
ever say that. Jagger was in this mess long before you. Mick had plans for him since the day he was born.”
“He’s probably dead, oh g
od, I can’t live if he’s dead.”
“He’s not dead.”
I jerk my head back and stare up at him. “How do you know?”
“I know. I can’t tell you how, but I know.”
“Does…does he know about Cody?”
Ace shakes his head. “No.”
“Ace, I know why you’re here but I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”
“I think you’re wrong.”
A small amount of hope peeks its head out. Do we have a chance? Can we fix what was broken? Will my son get his father back?
“I can’t ask how right now, I can’t…I just have nothing left.”
Ace lifts me in his arms and lays me down onto the bed. Then he surprises me by crawling in next to me and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me close.
“What are you doing?” I whisper.
“I fucked up Willow; I left you when you had no one else. I should have never done that. I should’ve been there for you, at least as a friend. I should’ve sat with you when you grieved, I should’ve been there when you had Jagger’s son and I wasn’t. None of us were. So, the best I can do right now is promise you that we’re going to be here, no matter what happens. If we can’t get Jagger, we will be in yours and Cody’s lives, no matter what. I owe you both that and it’s what Jagger would want. Right now though, I’m going to hold you because I know sometimes loneliness can be the darkest of feelings, and above all else, you deserve one night without feeling that soul crushing emptiness that I know you’ve lived with since he went.”
I sink into Ace, and he’s right, I’ve been so lonely. The comfort of his arms around me brings some warmth back to my heart. I’ve been so alone in my battle without Jagger. That’s not to say Jenny and Ava haven’t been amazing because they have, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I feel my breathing beginning to even out, and soon I’m falling asleep. That’s something I haven’t done properly for a long, long while.
CHAPTER 1
WILLOW
I wake to the sound of my son
’s gurgling. I shift and the hot, hard body behind mine groans and rolls. Ace stayed with me all night, just like he said he would. I blink a few times, letting my eyes adjust to the morning sunshine flowing through the window. I sit up stiffly and peer over at Cody’s crib. He’s sitting up, shaking a rattle and gurgling to himself. Always the happy camper. I smile over at him, and for the first time in a while, it’s real.
“He’s a noisy bugger,” Ace says, sitting up beside me.
I stare over at him, and realize he’s got no shirt on. Heat swells in my cheeks, not because I’m attracted to him, but because he’s in my bed like that! He snorts a laugh when he takes note of my expression.
“I won’t bite.”
I glare at him. “Yeah, I know.”
“Do you?”
I smile weakly. “Of course, I’m out of bounds to all you boys. Don’t worry Ace, I won’t get horny enough to try and jump you. You’re not my type.”
He pouts like he’s offended. I smile for real now.
“Stop it, you’re gorgeous and you know it but…”
He looks over at Cody. “Yeah kid, I kn
ow. Don’t worry, I’d never try anything on you.”
We both stare at Cody, who’s sitting and chatting happily away to himself.
“He’s just like him,” Ace breathes.
I nod, swallowing. “Yeah, he is.”
“Jagger would be proud of him, god, he always wanted to be a dad.”
“I hope he will get the chance to be.”
Ace gets out of bed and stretches, and then he grips his shirt and slides it on. He walks over to the crib and lifts Cody out. Cody squeals and grips the chain around Ace’s neck and tugs.
“Tough little sucker, aren’t ya?” Ace laughs.
“He likes necklaces.”
“We’ll have to get you a hard
core necklace then little buddy, won’t we?”
Cody drools in response. I slide out of bed and stretch.
My body is aching from the pressure release last night. Crying is good like that. It’s good for the soul and all that bullshit. Whatever, it worked.
“Hey Ace?”
Ace turns and smiles at me, “Yeah?”
“Thanks, for last night…”
He nods. “Anytime kid, now come on, we’ve got a lot to discuss.”
I nod.
“I’ll shower and be out. Are you ok to take him out?”
“Sure, we’ll go and drool on the other men, won’t we little guy?”
Cody smiles that toothless smile and Ace laughs.
“Just like your dad you are, it’s scary.”
I walk over and kiss Cody. “Be nice to the other kids, cutie.”
Ace rolls his eyes at me, and then disappears out of the room. A moment later Jenny walks in, her expression
is carefully blank. I feel bad for getting so angry at her last night, I guess I just reached that breaking point. I honestly couldn’t think clearly and I took it out on her when she was only trying to help.
“Hey…”
I smile. “Hey.”
“Ace stayed with you?”
“Yeah, I’m grateful to him for that.”
She smiles,
“Me too. Willow, I’m sorry…”
I put my hand up. “I know what you were doing Jen, and you were right. I’m drowning without Jagger, and if I don’t at least try to help him then I will never forgive myself. You did a good thing, I’m sorry I got so angry at you.”
She smiles weakly. “I don’t want to see you sinking Willow, I couldn’t bear it.”
“Thank you, for saving me yet again.”
She smiles and steps forward, pulling me into a hug. We stand, holding each other for long moments before pulling back. I sigh and stare at the door, I know what I have to face today, I just don’t know how I’ll do it. Time to pull those big girl panties on and deal with this head on, I guess.