Darkest Before Dawn (KGI series) (42 page)

“We bruise me up. Not literally,” she added hastily when every single expression in the plane blackened to rage. “Makeup is a useful tool. We make me appear as she was when we found her. And I’ll pretend unconsciousness, which they would expect since they seem to have a predilection for drugged women,” she added in disgust.

“The point is, me being Honor gets us in. The rest is up to us, Resnick’s teams and whoever the hell else Uncle Sam decides to send. You know it’s a damn good plan and if you’d set aside your manly thirteenth-century egos for two seconds, you’d recognize that it’s the only way we achieve our objective.”

“Well fuck,” Garrett muttered.

Edge didn’t look any happier than he had in the beginning, but he pressed his lips together, obviously refusing to give voice to the torrent of objections he wanted to launch.

“She’s right,” Sam said quietly. “Goddamn it, I don’t have to like it—I don’t like it. I fucking
hate
it—but she’s right. But I want her covered at all times.”

P.J. reached over and squeezed Skylar’s hand. “Thank you. I didn’t intend for you to do it. I wasn’t setting you up to be the bait. I would have done it, dyed my hair, whatever. But . . .”

She looked embarrassed and vulnerable, enough so for Cole to slide his hand around her nape and squeeze gently in comfort and support.

“I’m not sure I
could
have done it,” P.J. admitted. “I don’t know if I could trust myself not to freak out, and that shames me, especially since I’m
relieved
that you’ll be doing it and not me. It makes me a fucking coward,” she added in disgust, emotion glittering brightly in eyes that were usually unreadable.

Hancock had had enough of this brave woman browbeating herself when she was one of the fiercest women he’d ever known. He stalked over to her, ignoring the fact that Cole immediately bristled and tried to maneuver P.J. behind him.

Hancock stopped in front of P.J. and knelt so he was on eye level with her.

“Don’t you
ever
call yourself a fucking coward,” he said, allowing every bit of his pissed-off tone to be heard. “You have the heart of a warrior and you are one of the bravest people—that’s right,
people
, not women—I’ve ever known. I have no doubt you could take down every single one of your team members in a fight and they know it. We all know it. What you did, what you went through was the most selfless act I’ve ever witnessed. Until Honor . . .”

He trailed off as sorrow filled his voice.

Cole looked stunned by Hancock’s impassioned defense of P.J. Respect glimmered in his eyes as he and Hancock exchanged a look of understanding. The rest of KGI didn’t look any less astonished. Except Rio, who looked as though he would have expected nothing less.

Hancock collected himself, because he wasn’t finished. He abruptly got up and then went to where Skylar sat, and as he had with P.J., he knelt and took both her hands in his, making sure his touch was gentle and not bruising because of the seething rage imprinted in his bones.

“Thank you,” he said in a low voice. “For risking yourself for a woman you don’t know and for a dishonorable man who has caused much trouble for all of you in the past. I don’t deserve the help you are unconditionally offering, but you have my heartfelt gratitude—and know this.”

He paused and speared her with his gaze, stared until he was sure she was looking directly at him, seeing him. The heart of him.

“If there is ever a time when you need help. If you need anything at all, you only have to contact me. I’ll come. No matter what. I can never hope to repay my debt to you all, but I can only try.”

Skylar surprised him by leaning forward and wrapping her arms around him, hugging him carefully, ensuring she didn’t cause him further pain. He went stiff, caught totally off guard and not at all sure what he was supposed to do. Nobody hugged him. Except Honor. And his sister.

“It will be all right, Hancock,” Skylar whispered close to his ear. “All is not lost. You’ve given up and you can’t do that. Is she worth fighting for? If so, then
fight
. Do you hear me? You fight, Guy Hancock.”

He hugged her back and rested his chin atop her head.

“You’re a very special woman, Skylar,” he said, weariness creeping into his voice.

“Go to Honor, Hancock,” Donovan said quietly. “Your head isn’t in the game right now. You need to reassure yourself she’s okay. We’ll keep you in the loop. We aren’t benching you, though God knows you’re in no shape to be doing anything but lying in a hospital bed, but if it were Eve or any of our wives, we wouldn’t stand down even if we were at death’s door. You have my word, you will know everything.”

“The very last thing she needs is to wake up and see me,” Hancock said bleakly. “I won’t hurt her any more than I already have.”

“She’s out,” Conrad said. “She’s not going to come around anytime soon. Stop torturing yourself. You and I both know this
wasn’t
your fault.”

“The
hell
it wasn’t,” Hancock said in a savage tone that made the others flinch at the raw pain in his voice.

Conrad was wrong and Hancock knew it. It
was
his fault. He’d betrayed her and he’d failed her and that was unforgivable. But he took Conrad at his word that he’d sedated Honor so she wouldn’t waken until she was in a safe place, and he
needed
to see her. To touch her even though he didn’t deserve either. But he had to know just how badly Maksimov had hurt her.

He nodded curtly and then quietly slipped into the tiny bedroom where Honor was huddled on the bed. Even unconscious,
she was in a protective ball, curled into herself, so vulnerable looking that his grief was a tangible ache in his chest.

He loved her. He fucking adored her. He’d never loved anyone except his foster family, Eddie and Caroline Sinclair, the parents he never had. And his brothers, Raid and Ryker, and his precious baby sister, whom he’d also let down. It seemed he was forever hurting the people who mattered most to him. How could he ever look Big Eddie Sinclair in the face again after all he’d done? Before, he’d always known that his actions were a necessary evil.

But Honor was something he’d been utterly unprepared for. She’d slipped past his carefully erected barriers and somehow she’d become a living, breathing part of him. His other half. Now he understood what drove the Kellys in their absolute protection of their women, their wives. Because he felt it himself. But the Kellys hadn’t done to their women what Hancock had done to Honor, what he’d planned to do in the beginning with no regret or remorse.

Now, those were two emotions he’d keenly feel the rest of his life.

He slid onto the bed, moving inch by inch closer to her so he could smell her, feel her heat, touch her. It seemed an eternity before he finally had her nestled in his arms, and then he finally allowed himself to relax.

He buried his face in her matted hair, uncaring of the scent of dirt and blood. And then he wept. He wept for all he’d been given and for what he’d so callously discarded and betrayed. What was now lost to him forever.

Honor had changed him. She’d changed him on a fundamental level and though she now hated him, he would live the kind of life going forward that she would have wanted him to. He wanted to be the man she’d thought him to be. The only person who’d ever seen past the darkness that was ever present in his soul. He was done with Titan. Done with fighting for the greater good. He was finished being a man who didn’t even look at himself in the mirror because he no longer recognized the man staring back at him.

She’d given him the gift of herself, the very best part of him, and he’d thrown it away. All for the greater good.

CHAPTER 38

HANCOCK stiffened, coming to instant awareness when he felt Honor stir against him. Damn it! He’d drifted off, needing sleep and healing, but he hadn’t intended to stay this long. And she wasn’t supposed to regain consciousness until she was returned to her family. He didn’t even have another syringe so he could quickly inject her so she didn’t come to awareness.

He gazed anxiously at her, hoping she was just restless and would succumb once more to the drugs in her system. But he wasn’t that fortunate.

Her eyelids fluttered sluggishly and then she saw him. He tensed, awaiting her condemnation, her hatred, bracing for everything he deserved. But she simply stared at him with dull, lifeless eyes and didn’t react at all. Nothing. Fear skittered up his spine because she simply wasn’t there.

“I should have known,” she said in a monotone. “That you would be the one bringing me to ANE, not Maksimov. Ironic, isn’t it? You ‘save’ me from ANE and you’re the one to return me to them. Full circle.”

Saying nothing further, she turned, struggling, emitting gasps of pain that her movement caused as she turned away from him and curled once more into a protective ball, shutting him out, retreating into herself and a place where she couldn’t hurt anymore.

His torment was tearing him with its vicious claws. He felt every word to his tainted soul. He ached to hold her. To comfort her. To tell her all that was in his heart. But she wouldn’t believe him. She’d never believe him. As with everything else so precious he’d lost, he’d lost her trust as well.

He nearly put his hand on her shoulder, drawing back at the last second, because he didn’t want to cause her further pain and he had yet to determine the extent of her injuries.

“What did that bastard do to you?” he demanded, barely able to keep back the roar of fury that threatened to erupt.

One small shoulder lifted in a shrug. “Does it matter?”

“Yes, it goddamn matters! What did he do, Honor?”

She stiffened and he could feel her pain radiating from her tightly curled body, and it made him want to weep like a baby.

“You should know, Hancock,” she said, her tone weary, as if her barriers were slipping, as if the shields she’d constructed and the alternate reality she’d created in order to survive were slowly crumbling. “You told me what Maksimov would do. Just as you told me what ANE will do. Do you want all the gory details? Will it make you happy to know that I suffered? Are you concerned that he
didn’t
do all the things you said he would?”

He couldn’t breathe. His heart weighed a ton in his chest. Fear as he’d never known paralyzed him and he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t get past all he’d told her that Maksimov and ANE would do. Things he’d sworn to her he wouldn’t allow to happen because he was pulling the plug on the mission. And she thought it had all been a lie.

“
What did he do?
” Hancock asked hoarsely, his voice thick with tears and so much emotion that it overwhelmed him, consumed him, rendered him incapable of the simplest of processes.

“Nothing worse than what’s been done before,” she said, as if it didn’t matter. “He didn’t hurt me, Hancock.
You
did that.
You
destroyed me. And I guess, in a way, I have you to thank. Because you hurt me in a way no one has ever hurt me, and the things Maksimov did paled in comparison. It
hurt. I know it did. I mean it had to, right? But I didn’t feel it. Because the dead don’t feel. And I died the day you betrayed me. So whatever ANE has in store for me, I welcome. Because it won’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. And as with Maksimov, I can at least deprive them the pleasure of hearing me scream. Of hearing me beg. Because it will
never
happen. They’ll delight in breaking me, but as I told Maksimov when he smugly informed me that
he
would break me, you can’t break what’s already broken.”

Hancock’s heart shattered into tiny razor-sharp shards, inflicting permanent wounds he’d never recover from. He was bleeding on the inside. And it would never stop. Tears streaked down his cheeks, grief consuming him until there was simply nothing left. Just as Honor had said there was nothing left of her.

Broken.

He’d broken her when nothing else had been able to.

He’d destroyed this precious gift.

“I know you don’t care what I want,” she said in a tired voice. “But I
do
hurt, Hancock, and I know I don’t have much time until the end begins. Will you at least leave me in peace? Will you give me that at least? Seeing you, talking to you has destroyed the void I worked so hard to build. A place where nothing and no one can hurt me, touch me. Where I feel no pain. I feel . . . nothing. And I need that. You’ve gotten what you want. Will you please just leave me in peace so I can try to prepare myself for what is to come?”

Hancock rolled away, not daring to look back at her, knowing it would kill him. She was hurting. No matter that she’d said Maksimov hadn’t hurt her, she hadn’t meant it in the way he had. She’d only meant that
Maksimov
hadn’t been able to break her because Hancock had already done that.

He strode into the sitting area, and he knew everything he felt must be reflected in his eyes, his face, because the others visibly recoiled from whatever horror they saw in him.

He focused his attention on Maren and tried to be calm and composed when he was dying on the inside. Bleeding out from the thousands of cuts caused by his shattered heart.

“She’s hurting. I don’t know what he did to her, and she hates me. But she’s hurting and I need you to look her over. She needs pain medicine, and Maren, I want her sedated. She’s . . . broken. I broke her,” he choked out. “
I
did. Not Maksimov. Me. Every second she’s conscious, she’s hurting, dead on the inside. Please give her peace. For me. Please.”

Maren’s face was stricken and she, as Skylar had done, wrapped her arms around him and hugged him gently. He could feel the dampness of her tears soaking into his shirt. For him. God.

He gently tugged her away and then looked at her with dead eyes.

“Do not defend me, Maren. Don’t try to explain anything to her. If she thinks you are anything to me other than someone I paid to get her cleaned up before she’s turned over to ANE, she won’t trust you and she’ll refuse treatment, pain medication and especially sedation. Please, just make her as comfortable as possible and try to find out what that bastard did to her. I have to know. Goddamn it, I have to know because it will be my sin to bear for eternity.”