Darkest Before Dawn (KGI series) (49 page)

“You hate me,” he whispered in a tortured voice. “God, I hate
myself
.”

“Look at me, Guy,” she said tenderly.
“See me.”

He stared into her eyes for what seemed an eternity before it seemed to register with him. There was no hatred there. No fear. No sense of betrayal or hurt. Only love. And tenderness, compassion and a vow to always protect him. That he’d always be safe with her. His heart would always be safe with her.

“I don’t hate you. I
love
you,” she whispered fiercely. “I love you. And you don’t get to decide for me. You don’t get
to tell me that I don’t love you. There is
nothing
you can do to make me not love you.”

Thin rivulets trickled down his cheeks. His nostrils flared with every inhale as if he fought a vicious battle for control, not to completely break down.

She framed his beloved face in her palms and looked directly into his eyes.

“Now, listen to me, Guy, because this is important. It’s
everything
. Do not interrupt me until I am finished. Do you understand?”

He gave a chopped nod, and she pondered whether her telling him not to interrupt was even necessary. He wasn’t capable of saying a thing at the moment. He was simply too overcome.

“Now, if you walked away from me because you don’t want me and you don’t love me, then I have to accept that.”

He made a strangled noise in his throat, and she shot him a warning look, reminding him of his promise. But he didn’t look happy at all. He looked pissed, fire blazing in his eyes.

Good, she thought savagely. She’d take his anger and rage over the soulless look in his eyes any day of the week.

“However, if you walked away from me because you thought I hated you, because you truly believed you betrayed me, lied to me and felt you weren’t worthy of me, then I
won’t
accept that,” she said fiercely. “Because it’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit. And I will not throw away the best thing in my life because he’s decided he’s committed an unpardonable sin against someone who has already forgiven him.”

“Are you finished?” he demanded.

She nodded.

“Good. Because I fucking love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being in my
life
. You aren’t just the world, Honor Cambridge. You’re
my
world. My entire reason for living. Walk away from you because I don’t want you or love you? I walked away because you deserve
better
than me. Because you deserve a man who won’t fail to protect you and allow you to be nearly raped and then tortured. And I’m not that man,” he said in a savage voice.

“Yes,” she said calmly. “You are.”

Despair crept once more into his eyes.

“You have no idea what kind of life you’d have to live if you were with me. Because of the fact that I’ve accumulated more enemies over the years than the very monsters I’ve worked to take down, you would always be a target. You are my greatest weakness, and everyone in the goddamn world would know it and try to hurt me by getting to you. And they would hurt you. They’ve already hurt you,” he said in a tortured voice. “And I couldn’t bear it, Honor. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost you.”

“I’m glad you’re such a badass then,” she said lightly. “You’ll never, never let anyone hurt me.”

Guy closed his eyes, his fingers clenching into tight balls.

“Your trust in me staggers me. It humbles me when you have no reason to trust anything I say do or promise. But, Honor, the danger . . . that’s only part of. I’m a man who demands and expects complete control. In every aspect. As my woman, I would dominate you. I’d know your every movement. I’d expect you to check in with me anytime you so much as went to the grocery store.”

He lifted one hand to run it raggedly over his head.

“I’m demanding sexually. I don’t give up control in any aspect of my life, baby,” he said in an aching voice, as though he were admitting to murder. “I can’t. Control has been ingrained in me my entire life. I’ve been trained to always be in control of every aspect of every situation. How long do you think it would take before you began to feel smothered? How long would it take for me to kill the thing that sets you so far apart from the rest of the world? Your smile, your sunshine, your kindness and generosity. I would smother you, Honor. And eventually I would destroy you.”

She laughed, her smile wide as she took in his utter bewilderment at her reaction to his painful admission.

She held up her fingers, ticking off her points on each digit. “Let’s see, first, sexually dominant? I get the shivers thinking about it. I’ve already had a taste of sex with you, Hancock, and any idiot would know that you’re commanding, forceful and dominant as hell. I assure you, I’ll enjoy every moment of your dominance.”

She pressed another finger. “Second. Your need to know where I am at all times and you going overboard protecting me. Uhm, duh? I’m not an idiot, Guy. I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer and I’ve seen into your world. Quite frankly, I’m not going to
want
to go anywhere without you, and furthermore, if you want to hire an entire army to protect us, I’m in.”

She held up the last finger. “Now for the smothering, killing, stifling, destroying. I’m not going to give this much of a response because it doesn’t deserve it.”

She leaned over and touched his face, lightly pressing her lips to his.

“The only way you kill any part of me is if you no longer love and want me. If you walk away from me again.
That
will destroy me. Nothing else.”

He kissed her back, forceful, hot, scorching, like he was starved for her. And God, she was starved for him. For the last months she’d lived without the other half of her soul. Never did she want to endure that again.

Then he slipped off the bed, to his knees, reaching for her, pulling her to stand as he knelt before her. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face between her breasts. Hot tears slithered over her skin, each one hurting her, like tiny daggers to her heart.

“I’m so sorry, Honor,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry. I went crazy those days, dying a little more every hour you were in his hands. It was all I could think about. Knowing he was torturing you and knowing that you thought I had betrayed you by giving you to him. I can’t sleep at night. Even now. Knowing he’s dead. That ANE is gone. That they can’t hurt you. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Every second I think about how badly I hurt you and all the times I let you down. Please forgive me,” he whispered. “Please give me the chance to prove to you that I will never fail you again. I’ll spend my life making sure you don’t get so much as a scratch. I want to be a good man. For you. I want to be a man you can be proud of.”

“Oh, my love,” she whispered. “Don’t you understand? I love the man you are. You can’t go changing on me. I won’t
love a man you create thinking it’s what I want and need. I need
you
.”

She thumbed away the tears on his cheeks, then leaned down to kiss him while her hands framed his face.

“And I’ve already forgiven you. There’s no need to ask it again.”

“You gave it without my ever asking,” he said quietly. “I should have been on my knees begging your forgiveness and so I gave that to you, because that is what you deserve, regardless that your generous heart had already forgiven me.”

When he would have pulled her back to him, she resisted, knowing that at the current angle, he’d have his cheek right over her rounded belly. He glanced up at her, puzzled, a little uncertain.

She smiled and sat back down on the bed, patting the space beside her. “Come. There’s one last thing we have to discuss.”

He eased down beside her and frowned because she’d suddenly gone tense and she knew he’d picked up on it. He slipped his hand around hers, lifting it to rest on his thigh as he laced their fingers together.

“What is it, Honor?”

“First of all, I wasn’t—am not—deceiving you. I’m merely . . . selfish,” she said with a grimace.

“You are the least selfish person I know,” he growled.

She smiled faintly. “It’s just that I had to know . . . I had to know that you wanted
me
. That you loved
me
. I didn’t want you to be with me out of obligation. So I didn’t tell you right away. But I’m telling you
now
.”

His eyes were worried now. Not angry or apprehensive, as though he thought she’d done some horrible thing. He was worried for
her
, and she loved him all the more for it.

“I’m pregnant,” she said softly. “I’m having your baby, Guy. I’m almost five months pregnant.”

He stared down at her belly in shock and then back up to her face, as if what she was telling him simply didn’t compute.

“I don’t show unless I wear confining clothing. Hence
the baggy attire I chose for this trip. Not even the others know. Only my parents and siblings. I had lost so much weight and was so starved that when I got back home, I was literally skin and bones, so the weight I’ve gained with the pregnancy has merely made it appear as though I regained what I’d lost before.”

“Show me,” he said, his voice cracking. “Let me see our child. Please.”

She bunched the hem of her oversized shirt and slowly pulled it upward. Both his hands ever so gently pressed against the mound, his fingers trembling against her skin.

“Are you all right?” he asked anxiously. “You were so hurt and as you said starved. It can’t be healthy for you to be having a baby.”

She smiled, wanting to reassure him. “My OB has me on a strict vitamin regimen as well as an eating schedule that my mother enforces like an army general.”

“Are you happy about it?” he asked, vulnerability creeping into his eyes.

She let him see the full force of her joy as she smiled back. “Oh yes,” she breathed. “The question is, are you?”

“Happy?” he asked hoarsely. “I don’t think happy can aptly describe my utter amazement right now. Oh God, Honor, I don’t deserve you or our child. Do you even
know
how many enemies I have? Do you understand the danger you’re putting yourself and our child in by wanting a life with me?”

His hands shook even harder, and she laid her palms softly over where his were branded to the swell of her belly.

“God didn’t forget me,” he said in awe, tears glittering brightly in his eyes as they lifted to hers. “I’m
not
damned. No man without a soul, a man damned for an eternity, could possibly be given two such precious gifts.”

Her heart ached for the pain Guy had suffered for so long. For how so very long he’d been truly alone in the world with no anchor to hold him.

“No, my darling,” she said tenderly. “Indeed you are very blessed. We both are. You’ve now been given a third chance. Tell me. Are you going to take it?”

“Yes,” he said fiercely. “
Hell
yes.”

He fused his mouth to hers in a hot rush. He was rough, nearly animalistic, his hands roaming possessively up and down her body but instantly gentling when they glided over where their child was nestled in her mother’s womb. He drew away, gasping sharply, his eyes glittering like a predator’s.

“You’ve sealed your fate giving yourself to me twice,” he said gruffly. “I let you go once. I’ll
never
do it again. So be sure, Honor. Be very sure this is what you want and I’m who you want. Because once you commit to me it’s going to be for goddamn ever.”

“Well thank you, God,” she said, feigning huge relief. “I mean, what does a girl have to do these days?”

“Tell me she loves me,” he said, his voice cracking. Her heart nearly broke as insecurity flashed in his eyes. And fear.

“I love you,” she whispered. “So much. I’ll never love someone as much as I love you.”

“Thank God,” he breathed, crushing her to him, hanging on to her for dear life. Tears burned his eyes and he didn’t care. He’d found redemption when he despaired of ever seeing the sun again.

“You’re a miracle,” he said hoarsely. “My sunshine, Honor.”

“Glad you finally recognize that,” she said with a grin.

EPILOGUE

HANCOCK carefully balanced the tray he was holding as he made his way from the kitchen into the living room where Honor was feeding Reece, who was now just over eight months old. He’d taken special care with this morning’s breakfast, artfully—as creative as he was capable of being—arranged, a single yellow rose in a long fluted vase situated beside the plate and a tall glass of apple juice, his wife’s favorite.

Even after all of these months, he paused at the sight of their son nestled lovingly against his mother’s chest, one of her hands holding the bottle in place while the other tenderly caressed his downy curls. Her expression so achingly beautiful that it never failed to take his breath away.

She murmured in low tones to Reece, telling him how very much he was loved by his mother and father. And she spoke absolute truth. The sun rose and set at his wife and child’s feet. Every single day he awoke, Honor nestled in his arms. Every night he went to bed sated, after making love to his wife, her sleepy, “I love you” or “I need you so much, Guy” brushing over his ears. It undid him every single time and he whispered a prayer of thanks that he’d found redemption and forgiveness, another chance with the woman he loved more than life.

The few times he was away from her, he was besieged by
the need to return to her as quickly as he could. He wasn’t sure he would ever get over his fear of losing them, of coming home to find them gone. He, of all people, was all too aware of the evil that walked among ordinary people on this earth, and over the years he’d accumulated too many enemies to count.

It was why they lived as the only inhabitants on this remote island, which was only accessible by boat or helicopter. He’d made a lot of money during his years as a mercenary, fighting the good fight. Money he’d never used. Never had a reason to use. No one to spend it on.

But now? He had a wife and a son to spoil shamelessly, and he did so on a regular basis, much to Honor’s chagrin. He had to call back the grin at her exasperation and the statement she always gave him. That she had all she could ever want. She didn’t need anything else. But that didn’t mean he paid her any attention. If she so much as hinted, in all her innocence, that she liked something, or he saw her expression when something caught her eye, it was hers.