Darkest Before Dawn (KGI series) (47 page)

“He loves you, Honor,” Conrad said gently. “Hancock hasn’t ever loved anyone in his life except his foster family. He’s never
been
loved by anyone except his foster family. He’s never felt he
deserved
to be loved. He believes himself to be a monster. He believes himself to be
worse
than Maksimov. He’s dying with every passing day. He’s grieving, tormenting himself, loving you and yet knowing he’s not worthy of you, that he doesn’t deserve you. He let you down. He betrayed you. He allowed Maksimov to hurt you and he will
never
forgive himself for that.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” she whispered.

“Because I believe you’re hurting just as much as he is. I believe you love him as much as he loves you. I believe you’re
both
dying and that you’ve given up. And I know you’re the only one who can save him. I couldn’t allow you to believe what he wouldn’t even defend himself against, because he believes
it all. That he betrayed you. Let you down. Hurt you. Manipulated you. Lied to you. But Honor, you didn’t see him when he told us the mission had changed. You didn’t see the determination in his eyes when he told us that
you
were the sole priority, that your safety took precedence above all else. He didn’t give one fuck about the mission or whether he was successful in taking Maksimov down. He tried to do the honorable thing and spare you but still take out a serious threat to thousands of innocent lives. And he lost
everything
as a result.”

Tears spilled down Honor’s cheeks and she hugged herself, rocking back and forth in the swing.

“Why didn’t he explain? On the plane. After he’d freed me from Maksimov. Why did he let me believe he was delivering me to ANE? Why didn’t he at least try?”

“Because you believed it. You weren’t there, Honor. You were a million miles away and you wouldn’t have heard a word he had to say. And it’s hard to defend or explain when you feel that you
are
guilty of every single sin you accused him of. He didn’t defend himself because he knew he was guilty of the crimes committed against you. And he loves you as much as he hates himself.”

“Where is he?” she demanded.

Conrad closed his eyes. “I don’t know. He disappeared after Maksimov and ANE were taken down. Titan is no more. We all walked away. We’re done. He’s a lone wolf, Honor. He’s gone off somewhere to die a slow, painful death because he can’t live with what he did to you. But I know this much. He loves you with every breath in his body. I’ve worked with him, followed him, been loyal to him for over a decade. And before you, every single characteristic attributed to him was true. He was more machine than man. No emotion. He had his own code and he lived by it. The greater good. And sometimes that means sacrificing innocents. He hated it, but knew it was a necessary evil.

“But you changed everything. You changed
him
. Suddenly he
wanted
to be the man you saw when you looked at him. He wanted to be better. For you. You showed him how to love. How to feel. How to be human. And he’ll never love again. He’ll love you forever just as he’ll hate himself for eternity for what he did to you.”

“Then how can I find him?” she asked in frustration. “Damn it, Conrad, you can’t come here and tell me all this and then walk away without giving me
something
. I won’t let him do this to himself. I won’t. I
love
him. Do you have any idea how much it hurt when I believed that he’d used me, that he’d betrayed me and allowed Maksimov to torture me?”

Conrad’s eyes were haunted. “I failed you too, Honor. Not just Hancock. We all failed you.”

“Bullshit,” she said angrily.

Sorrow swamped her eyes. “I’m so sorry about Mojo. He was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die because of me. Because Hancock changed the mission. Are Viper and Cope okay now?” she asked anxiously.

Conrad smiled gently, reaching for her hand to give it a light squeeze. “Always worried for others. You are a remarkable woman, Honor. My life is better for having known you. And if you can save Hancock, you will have my eternal gratitude. Yes, Mojo was a good man, but he died peacefully. He was given redemption, something none of us ever dreamed we would be given. And Viper and Cope are fine. I don’t know where Hancock is, I swear it. But I can point you in the direction of people who might know or at the very least can help you find him.”

She leaned forward eagerly. “Tell me.”

“I’ll bring you there myself,” he said. “I won’t send you off without protection. And it’s not far at all. Dover, Tennessee, just a few miles south of the Kentucky border. How soon can you be ready?”

She was already rising from the swing. “Give me five minutes.”

Conrad smiled to himself as he watched her stalk away, her eyes fierce with purpose. The dull, lifeless look that clung to her like a second skin had evaporated and she looked like the Honor he’d first met. Full of fight and fire. Courage and bravery.

If anyone was going to save Hancock, it was going to be her. He almost pitied the man. Almost. Because he was never going to know what hit him when Honor Cambridge ran him to ground.

CHAPTER 45

HONOR’S family made it clear that she was going nowhere with a man they didn’t know, and she damn sure wasn’t going alone with Conrad. Brad insisted on accompanying her, and Conrad and she were equally insistent she was going alone.

An argument broke out, and every single member of Honor’s family refused to allow her to leave without them.

“This is something I have to do,” Honor said quietly.

“I realize you don’t know me and have no reason to trust me,” Conrad said in a calm voice. “But I will protect Honor with my
life
. You have my word. And where we’re going, there is no danger to her. She will have an entire army of men surrounding her at all times. This is important to your daughter. She needs to heal, and that is exactly what I mean to make happen. If you love her, and I know you do, and if you trust her, which I know you do, then let her do this. She needs this if she’s ever going to come back whole.”

“I don’t have much time,” Honor said impatiently. “Trust in me to know what I’m doing. I’ll keep in touch. Conrad will keep you informed. But I have to do this if I’m going to survive.”

There were shocked and worried expressions on every one of her family’s faces, but also resignation, much as there
had been when she’d been so determined to go to the Middle East to help those in such desperate need.

They all gathered around her, hugging her, tears shed as they kissed her and told her they loved her. And then Brad leveled a hard stare at Conrad.

“I know your kind. I know the things you do in the name of justice. I’m not judging you. But you protect my sister. You keep her safe and if things go bad, you get her out. I don’t care what she wants or says. You get her back home where she belongs.”

Conrad came to attention, a signal of respect for the lawman.

“I’d give my life for her,” he said truthfully. “She saved my life, and I repay my debts. I swear to you that she will be safe with me.”

Honor gave each of her family one last hug, and then she urged Conrad out of the house so they could be on their way.

“How far is it? Are we driving or flying?”

“We’ll fly. KGI has a private landing strip in their compound and it’s secure. It’s not only the fastest way, but also the safest.”

Relief staggered her. Now that she knew, every minute was agony. Every moment apart from Hancock seemed an eternity.

•   •   •

HONOR swallowed nervously as one of the men who’d met them at the landing strip and driven them to the “war room” punched in the access code and the doors slid open with speed that made her blink.

She’d purposely worn baggy, oversized clothing because at approaching five months pregnant, her pooch had developed into a tight ball. But all the weight loss and starving she’d done was in reality making her pregnancy look like her regaining her normal weight and size.

Besides, she wanted Hancock to want
her
. She wanted him to love her independent of anything else. And she knew, regardless of whether he loved her or not, whether he wanted
her or not, he’d never turn her away if she was pregnant with his child.

It wasn’t in her nature to deceive, but she refused to manipulate him or force him to make a decision he wouldn’t have ordinarily made by revealing she was pregnant until she knew the outcome of her come-to-Jesus meeting with Hancock.

As soon as she was herded into the main area, she could see that apparently everyone who worked for KGI had turned up for the occasion. It only took one person to tell her how to find Hancock. Not a room packed full of kick-ass operatives.

Anger suddenly gripped her. She was tired of being endlessly intimidated by soldiers, mercenaries, terrorists, assholes, whatever. If they thought to intimidate her they could all kiss her ass.

She narrowed her eyes and stepped from behind Conrad’s protective position.

“Look, is it that all twenty or so of you all know where Hancock is, or are you just fucking with me and trying to intimidate me? Because if this is all you’ve got, bring it on.”

She was greeted by broad smiles, some outright laughter, and she could swear she heard a female voice saying, “You go, girl.”

One of the men stepped forward with a smile. He had muddy blond hair and the clearest blue eyes she’d ever seen. He extended his hand and she had no choice but to reluctantly take it.

“Miss Cambridge, it’s an honor to see you again. I’m Sam Kelly.”

She looked at him, faintly puzzled, but then realized he would have been on the mission to rescue her from Maksimov. Which meant that she was facing an entire room of people who’d seen the way she was when they’d gotten her out.

Her back went up. She refused to feel shame for that. She was going to stop feeling humiliated about things she had no control over, and she was going to stop being so easily intimidated and stop acting like a timid freaking mouse. Maybe she could take lessons from the only two female members of KGI. They certainly didn’t look like scared mice.

“Who can tell me where to find Hancock?” she demanded, donning her most ferocious look. The one Brad told her made her look like a really cute kitten hissing for the first time.

She pulled at her hair in exasperation, not even waiting for an answer.

“What is with men making arbitrary decisions, thinking they know all the answers to the universe? What is with them torturing themselves because they think they’ve betrayed or hurt someone, and yeah, while it might look to the person that they’d been screwed over, the man knows it but doesn’t bother to
explain
because
he
believes he
is
guilty of betraying her and hurting her. So he goes off in some giant manhurt and broods and sulks and God only knows what else men like you do,” she said with a sniff of disdain. “But I know what Hancock
isn’t
going to do, and so help me if one of you doesn’t cough up some information fast, you are
not
going to like the results.”

The others had watched her with open mouths in obvious befuddlement, but by the time she got to the end of her tirade, they started laughing until tears rolled down their faces. She was furious with them for laughing like hyenas when her life was on the line. Her future. Her child’s future. And Hancock’s.

Garrett wheezed. “Oh God, he’s never going to live this down. I’ll torture that bastard the rest of his life over this. How priceless is this?”

Honor gritted her teeth and stalked over to get right into the big man’s face. She nearly mowed him over, and would have, but his back bumped against the wall, effectively trapping him.

“What is
wrong
with you, laughing at a time like this? You’re being a complete asshole.”

Garrett gave her a meek look. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I meant no disrespect.” He rapidly looked at his teammates, begging for help. They just laughed even harder.

Honor threw her hands up. “This is pointless. I wasted an entire day by coming here. Fine. I’ll find him myself. No thanks to you.”

She stalked past them all, Conrad falling in behind her, as she headed for the door. Sam caught her arm and gently halted her, his eyes still full of mirth, but he made a concerted effort to be serious and sincere.

“We honestly don’t know where Hancock is, but I just might know someone who can help. Give me two seconds to make that call?”

She studied him a moment, saw that he was all business now. Finally someone with some damn sense. She nodded.

Sam picked up the phone and punched one digit, obviously a contact.

“Eden, honey? This is Sam. I need you to come to the war room as soon as possible. Can you do that? It’s important.”

There was a brief pause and Sam smiled. “Thanks, Eden. You’re the best.”

“Joe, step out and meet Eden so she won’t feel awkward coming to the war room,” Sam instructed.

Donovan glanced at the surveillance cameras that gave viewpoints of over thirty areas. He grinned. “No need. Swanny’s with her and he doesn’t looked pleased that he wasn’t included in the invite.”

“God save us from newlyweds,” Joe said in disgust.

Everyone in the room shot him knowing grins from all directions.

“Oh your time is coming, baby brother,” Garrett said smugly. “And I predict you’re going to fall harder than all of us put together.”

Joe lifted his middle finger amid laughter from everyone else.

P.J. and Skylar, the two female members of KGI, had made their way to where Honor stood, either out of solidarity so she wasn’t surrounded by so much testosterone or because they were simply being nice.

“How are you doing, Honor?” P.J. asked quietly. “Really.”

There was something in this woman’s eyes that told Honor she’d seen and endured horrific things and that she knew what Honor was going through and had gone through.

She smiled, though it felt more like a grimace. “In the beginning, not so good. But now . . . I’m hopeful. If I can
get a certain arrogant male to pull his head out of his ass, things will be great.”