Dating For Decades (28 page)

We were. We would be. Even if I had the chance to make things work, he wouldn’t take me back. “Thanks, but we’re not really together.”

“Oh?” He slides his hand up the door frame as he furrows his brow. “Well, if you want my opinion, you should be.”

•••••••

Spotted Cow is my favorite beer, when I actually drink beer. After the day I just had, I want to bathe in it. My spectacular first day back after a hiatus and it’s ruined by Lucas leaving. Keith is gone, my mom is gone, and now Lucas.

I’m almost through my third beer when someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn my head to see Lucas sliding onto the barstool next to me. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s The Spot, right?
The
place to be.”

“This dinky old bar?” The bartender gives me a stink eye, and I shy away, not wanting to start anything.
 

“You seemed upset in your text.”

“I texted you?”

“Are you
that
drunk that you don’t remember texting me?” Those eyes that twinkle for Kimmy are now filled with concern.

“Nah, I’m joking. I remember. I’m only in for three so far. Did my text convey my emotion that well?”

“Well, you sent me a red angry face and a poop emoji, so I kind of figured.” He orders a Pabst and I giggle. No one drinks that except old men. “What’s got you down? Keith?”

He doesn’t waste any time getting to the point. I can’t believe I’m going to discuss this with him. Lucas, who I’ve seen naked and done things with that I’m ashamed to even mention. Lucas, who is seventeen years younger than me rocked my world like it was the end of it. Being friends with him is proving to be a little awkward.

“I guess.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“In the few hours since I last spoke with you? Nope.” I take a swig of my beer, the bottle popping on my mouth. “He’s done with me. I said some pretty shitty stuff to him. Why bother? He’s done with me. I’m done with everything. With everyone.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true. What’s the point, Lucas?
Everyone
leaves. I shouldn’t even bother anymore. This is why I never bothered in the first place. Then Keith had to come along and screw everything up.”

He takes my beer and moves it aside. “I don’t know how many you’ve had, but you’re being unreasonable.”

“Do you know what’s unreasonable? Expecting someone to want me.” He’s watching me, listening, and those eyes start to comfort me. I flash back to that night at his apartment. What a tremendous night it was. He wanted me. I pushed him away. Why? Because he was young? Because I was afraid of what my boss would say? Terrence loves me! He probably would have welcomed the relationship with open arms.

“You were a good one,” I tell him. “I let you get away.” Maybe it’s the beer talking, I don’t know, but I can’t control myself and lean in, planting my lips on Lucas. For a brief moment, he kisses me back before he grabs my shoulders and pushes me away.
 

“Cassie, don’t.”

“What? Don’t you want me? Don’t you find me attractive?” I want to cry, to drown myself in my tears, rid myself of all my pain. A few months ago he couldn’t keep his hands off me, groping me with his eyes at every chance he got. I touch my chin. No hairs. Maybe it’s the gray in my hair. Or the wrinkles. Am I getting a double chin? I don’t even want to check my arms. I bet they’re disgustingly flabby.

“It’s not that.”

“It’s because I’m going to be forty in two weeks, isn’t it? FORTY! As in four zero. In two damned weeks!” I lift three fingers, then put one down and show two to emphasize. “Forty years old. I’m not married, no kids, and I pretty much think I’m stuck in my job now unless Terrence retires. Lucas,” I ball his shirt up in my hand as I make a fist, “I don’t even own a cat! The cat ladies of the world are in a better place than me!
Keith
even has a cat!”

He’s trying not to laugh. His head is shaking, and his lips are pressed together. I can make out a smile behind those thin lips.
 

“Fine. Laugh at me.” I let go of his shirt. “Suck it up. Here’s poor Cassie who can’t even get laid by her old fuck buddy.” My head slams onto the bar. “Ow.” I massage my scalp.
 

“Cassie, you’re drunk. And upset. It’s not a good combination.” He pauses. “And watch your language. We’re in a public place.”

I shake my head as I suck in the tears. I’m not lifting my head until they’ve dissipated. I can’t look him in the eye. I’m so humiliated.

“Trust me, you’re a great looking woman and you’re intelligent and have yourself together … well, not tonight, but most of the time.” I smile through my tears. “I’m leaving in a few days. I don’t want to go down this path again.”

I wipe my face on my sleeve and lift my head. “This path again?”

“You know, the one when I fall madly for you and then we have a great night together and then you leave.”

“I won’t leave this time. I promise.” I don’t know why I’m pleading for him. I think right now I would plead with anyone,
anyone
to love me.

“No, you don’t. Because you don’t love me. And I’m with Kimmy.”

“But I care about you. A lot. I should have given you a chance. Maybe this would have worked out if I hadn’t been so scared.”

“No, it wouldn’t have.”

My hands drop to my side and my heart goes with it. I’m being rejected. I’m throwing myself at this man and he’s turning me down. What possible reason could there be? “Why not?”

He finishes his beer, stands up and pats me on the shoulder. “Because you’re in love with Keith, whether you realize it or not.”

Chapter

Thirty-Four

Today’s the day. It’s the day I face my fears. It’s the day I put it all on the table. It’s the day I proclaim my love for Keith.
 

The Dating for Decades meeting may not be the best place to do this. But maybe it is. I’m in a safe place and can show the others that it can be done, that I can actually move forward. Cheyenne did it, Keith wants to do it, now I can. I can let go of everything, try in spite of what his mother says. I can do this.

I arrive early today, my nerves building inside of me and trying to talk me down. I won’t listen, though, no matter how much they get to me. I’m determined.
 

This is the first meeting since before the Christmas break, so I bring cupcakes to welcome everyone back. This should score points with everyone, too. Who doesn’t love red velvet? Besides, the fine cake represents love, in my opinion, and that’s precisely what I’m here for.

I set the cupcakes up on the refreshment table, over the red tablecloth I purchased. It looks amazing, and the champagne flutes and sparkling apple juice were a fun touch. Okay, I
may
have gone
slightly
overboard, but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re in love? Isn’t that what romance is all about?

I pace the room for a solid ten minutes before Luna arrives. She strolls in, bundled up with a face that matches the inside of the cupcake.
 

“Could it be any colder out there?” She whips off her scarf and hangs it with her jacket. “Cupcakes? Thank you. Don’t mind if I do.”

I slap her hand away. “Not yet.”

“You’re denying me cupcakes? You do want to live to see tomorrow, don’t you?” The space between her eyes shortens, but I ignore her empty threat.
 

“You can have one when everyone gets here.”

“Three!”

Three
cupcakes?
Really
, Luna? “How about two?”

She contemplates this for a moment, her head shooting back and forth between me and the sweets. “Deal.” She shakes my hand and hers is so cold it sends shivers throughout my body.

Cheyenne shows up next, followed by Monica and Noelle. Everyone is getting ornery waiting to dive into the cupcakes, and I’ll admit, I am too. I don’t tend to eat sweets, but today they’re calling my name. Maybe facing my fear of love is also expanding my need for sugar. I can’t go down that road again. I’m limiting myself to one. That’s it.

“I’m getting hungry.” Cheyenne raises her voice as though she’s a toddler begging for candy.

“We’re missing Keith.” I point to the empty chair.

Monica shakes her head. “No, we’re not.”

“What?” I shoot my head around. “What do you mean we’re not missing him? This is the first meeting after the turn of the new year. He should be here.”

“He texted me this morning he wasn’t coming.” Cheyenne pulls out her phone, scrolls through the messages, and hands it to me.

Can’t make it tonight. Sorry. I’m not sure when I’ll be back.

I lower the phone and Cheyenne has to reach toward me to take it before I drop it. “Why did he text
you
?”
 

“Whoa. What’s the accusatory tone?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I only wonder why he told you and not me.” He sent me one or two messages since Christmas checking in, but he never said anything about being done with the group.

“Beats me,” she shrugs. “You’re his girlfriend.” She leaves her chair and steals a cupcake. “No reason to wait on these then.”

Keith abandoned the group? He abandoned
me
? Without even so much as a goodbye? Don’t I at least deserve that? My head is spinning and sweat is starting to seep through my shirt. I look over at Cheyenne, who is about to break into the frosting. “Put. The. Cupcake. Down.”

I startle her and she stops short, slowly placing the cupcake back on the table while stepping away.
 

“Are you okay, Cassie?” Monica asks in that motherly tone I usually love but today hate.

“No. I’m not okay. Keith and I had a fight a few weeks back. We haven’t really spoken. I .. I made a mistake.”

Noelle retrieves a nail file from her purse and starts filing her nails. “So tell him.”

“Don’t you think I was going to? What do you think the cupcakes are for?” These cupcakes that
I
took the time to bake. Yes, I did this all on my own and every ounce of my heart is in them. He thinks he can walk away without saying goodbye? Well, I can do the same. I march over to the table, pick up the plate of cupcakes, and slam them into the ground. The floor is covered in white and red, pieces of glass nestled in between. Ironic.

“I’m done.” I hold up both my hands. “I’m so done.”

“With what? Keith?” Monica stands and tries to come toward me, but I take a step back.

“All of it. Keith. The group.”

“Excuse me?” Cheyenne interrupts. “You can’t just shut the group down.”

“I sure can. I created the group. I can disband it.” Time to move on. It’s about time I accept my pitiful life for what it is.

Noelle stands up and stomps her foot on the ground like a teenager. “No. We
all
need this group. Even you. You’re going to quit because of
him
? Forgive me, but aren’t men the reason you started this group? So we can discuss and work through these things?”

“Even if I did, what does it matter? None of us are helping each other. We’re a bunch of pathetic losers who sit around and bitch about men every Thursday night. I don’t need this.” I lost everything else, I might as well lose the group, too. I can start fresh. Make new friends. Form a new group. Losers Anonymous.

“Cassie, think about what you’re doing.” I give Cheyenne the benefit of the doubt and hear her out. “You’ve put so many years into this group. We’re all friends. We need each other. If we didn’t have each other, if I didn’t have this group, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

“You mean in a healthy, long-lasting relationship? I’m glad someone from this group found that. But if you’re happy, why are you even here?” My voice is rising, and my heart is pounding. “Why are
any
of us in this group? No one wants us. Any of us. I’m sick of wasting my time here!”

“You don’t mean that.” Luna’s eyes well up with tears as she whispers to me.

“I sure as hell do. I can’t take this anymore.” My voice has now risen to a level I’m making everyone uncomfortable, including myself. “When I created this group, I wanted to form relationships with other women, connect with them because we’re the same age and experiencing the same issues. Everyone is moving on. Everyone is happy in their lives and have their boyfriends or their kids or their parents. Meanwhile, here I am with a dead mother, an ex-boyfriend who hates me, and a group of women whom I’ve grown to love who I can’t even identify with anymore!” I snatch my purse off the back of my chair and it catches in the arm of my jacket as I frantically try to put it on. Noelle comes over to help me, but I shake in a way she can’t get to me. “Leave me alone!” I cry. “Leave me alone!” The tears begin flowing out of my eyes, and I can’t stop them. No matter how hard I try, they keep coming and coming, and there isn’t a shut-off valve.

Noelle wraps her arms around me and I bury my head in her chest as I sob. Moments later, the arms of the other women are around me, and no one is saying a word, but they’re proving one thing to me.

We’re all broken, and we’re all here to help put each other back together.

Chapter

Thirty-Five

January thirtieth isn’t any normal day for me. It’s the day I step over that hill and officially become an old lady. I want to spend my birthday with Shannon, but her son has something going on that day for school, so she’s taking me out today, two weeks early. I would have been fine staying home, moping about Keith and drowning in my sorrows. But, it’s Friday night and after my horrible Dating for Decades meeting, which honestly ended in a pretty cool way with solid friendships in tact, Shannon is forcing me out. Turning forty is a big deal, so she says, so she’s dragging me to The Spot for some drinks and, if I get drunk enough, some dancing. I may be old, but I can still hold my liquor. I only hope I don’t come onto some random stranger like I did to Lucas the other night.

She doesn’t want to go out until nine.
Nine
! Maybe the fact that I’d rather be in bed at nine o’clock than out at the bar pledges me into the over forty club. Now I move up an age group in demographics, and soon I’ll be getting my AARP card in the mail. Before you know it, I’ll be sixty-five and retired. Okay, who am I kidding? I’ll probably never retire. I’m addicted to working.