Dating For Decades (29 page)

I’m feeling old so I need to feel sexy. I opt for tight, white pants with alligator skin heels and a long sleeve brown top that scoops down in the back. I know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, but I never heard when it is okay to
actually wear it
. So it’s my night out, I’ll wear it if I want to. I leave my hair down but curl the ends. I finally went to the salon last week and my grays are gone … for a least a little while. I find a thin gold necklace to wear as well. Even I’ll admit I look pretty hot.
 

I’m about to text Shannon to forget the whole thing at 8:55 when she still hasn’t arrived. She knows I’m a stickler for time so I don’t appreciate the tardiness. She finally pulls up to my place at exactly nine. “I thought you wanted to
be
there at nine.” If you’re right on time, you’re late in my book.

“It’s not like we’re on a schedule, Cassie. Ben is watching the kids, and I had a to-do list to go over with him. We’ll get there.”

She’s wearing her favorite blue dress. I can tell with her jacket slightly unbuttoned. This is her favorite dress for going out. It’s the one that slims her down and highlights her curves in all the right places.

“What kind of a to-do list do you have this late at night?” The kids should be almost ready for bed, and I don’t know how much you can get done with the kids asleep.

“I always find something.”

This is true. Shannon is never without a laundry list of things to get done, including laundry! I shouldn’t have doubted her.

“Are you anxious?” She wiggles in her seat as she drives to The Spot.

“I’m forty. I’m devastated.” There was a time in my life I wondered if I would make it to forty. I thought my mom would take me down with her, and I’d become addicted to drugs. I’m proud I never succumbed to it. I battled with my weight for a few years, but Shannon helped me, though. Now that I’m here, I’m grateful, but that still doesn’t mean I’m happy about admitting it.

“It’s not
that
bad. I survived my first year.”

Shannon is a year older than me and she must have forgotten dealing with all these same emotions last year. It’s not the end of the world to be turning forty, but it’s not quite as exciting as turning twenty-one or even thirty. It seems so …
old
. What comes next? I work for twenty-five more years and retire to Florida where I live out my final days? I think of my mom who never even saw sixty-five. She didn’t even make it to sixty.
Shake it off, Cassie. Be happy you’re here and healthy.

We arrive at The Spot, and she parks right in front. I’m ready to
drink
. I unbuckle and reach for the handle, and she stops me.
 

“Cassie, I know turning forty has been difficult for you. Please know it’s not a finality of anything. It’s the start of a new part of your life. Welcome your forties. Embrace them. Fight
against
the current. If you’re back starts to hurt, work out that kink. If you get tired, drink some caffeine. I have a feeling the best years of your life are ahead of you.”

“Thanks?”

“Trust me, Cassie. It’s not as bad as you make it out to be. You make a much bigger deal out of it than it actually is.”

I make a big deal out of everything. Doesn’t she know me at all? I filled her in on everything that happened with Keith, and while she thinks I should have stayed and worked things out, I don’t have the time to be in someone’s life who doesn’t want me in his. It would eventually end up that way. His mother hates me already, and when I’d eventually meet her, she probably would convince him to dump me. I still have the group and Shannon. That’s enough. That’s all I need. So maybe this next year won’t be so bad, considering I have everything I need. I open the door and step onto the sidewalk. “Okay, Chief. You’ve got it.” I duck my head into the car and salute her.

“Stop it.” She exits on her side and meets me around on the sidewalk. “Let’s go.” She hooks my arm with hers, and I enter the bar with my best friend.
 

Before we even get through the door, I’m inundated with people yelling. “Surprise!” I latch onto Shannon’s arm to keep my balance, and I scan the group of people.
 

“Got you!” Shannon says as she embraces me. I tighten my hold on her and I’m squeezing her so tight I’m probably cutting off her air supply. I start crying as “Time Of Your Life” by Green Day plays from the jukebox. It’s been rough, but I think it truly has been the time of my life.

I can’t believe this. I’ve never had a birthday party in my
entire life
. My mom barely remembered my birthday, and on the years she did, it wasn’t much of a big deal. I never really celebrated after we parted. Shannon always tried, usually inviting me over to her place for cake and a small gift, but that was it. She wanted to do that for me and I let her, though it was tough.

I peer around the bar, scoping out who is here. Terrence, Noelle, Luna, Monica, and Cheyenne came. I wave at Lucas who’s holding hands with Kimmy. That’s so sweet they came since he is leaving for California tomorrow. Sasha and Garrett are here along with Ben. “Who’s with the kids?”
 

“We got a sitter! This is a night out for us, too!” Shannon jumps up and down, and I’m happy for her. A date night may be just what she and Ben need.

I continue to check out the faces, hoping to see one in particular, and my excitement fades when I don’t.

“I tried to call him.” She runs her hand up and down my back. “I managed to steal his number from your phone the other day. I left a voice mail. I assume he got it. This was before everything happened between you two.”

“It’s okay.” I wipe my cheeks. “We broke up. I shouldn’t expect him to be here. I guess I was holding onto hope.”

“You can stop holding onto it.” I recognize the gentle, smoky voice, and when I turn around, Keith is standing there, his normally smiling face a stoic statue. “Can I take your jacket?”

I allow him to pull it off me and his lingering stare on my back doesn’t go unnoticed. Good.
 

“Happy birthday, Cassie.” His lip is curled up in a half-smile now, but he isn’t wide-mouthed like most would be when issuing such a greeting.

“What are you doing here? Shannon said she tried to call you, but you didn’t respond.”

“She did, did she?” They exchange winks. So they
did
have a conversation. Fine, but that doesn’t change what happened between me and him.

He folds my jacket over his arm. “Can we talk?”

I want nothing more than to talk to him, to take everything back, but I can’t. What’s done is done. I said a lot of things to him, and they haven’t changed.
 

“Sure.” If I’m going to enjoy this party, we
should
discuss it, get everything off our chests, and then move on.
 

He surprises me by taking my hand and leads me to the back of the bar where it’s a little quieter. No one seems to notice the birthday girl has disappeared. As we continue the walk to the back of the bar, I miss this touch more with every step. We stop at a high table and set our arms on the wood, and our elbows are almost touching.
 

“When Shannon called, I didn’t get a chance to call her back until after our argument. I told her I had to think about it.” He dives right into it, no warning or buildup. “I asked her not to tell you in case I decided not to come.”

“I understand.”

“You left me dumbfounded that morning. I still don’t know what happened. The way you walked out on me was a pretty solid sign you’re not ready for a commitment. What happened there?”

The morning is a bit of a blur, between dealing with my mother’s death and our breakup. I cried so much over those forty-eight hours I didn’t even know what tears were for what. “I heard you on the phone.”

“Okay?”

He moves his hands so he’s gripping the table. The dimly lit bar casts a small light on his face and I’m glad he’s shaven. I enjoyed the scruffiness, but when he smiles, I want to see every crease in his chin and cheeks. Only he’s not smiling.

“You were talking to your mom about me. She was saying things about me. She’s upset you left to come see me. I know how this will go down. We’ll date for a few months, she’ll meet me, hate me even more than she already does, and then you’ll break up with me. I’m ending it before it gets to that point.”

“What?” He throws his head back and that smile I love so much comes through. Why is he happy about this?

“What’s so funny?”

“Cassie, I wasn’t talking about you.”

“You weren’t?” That doesn’t make any sense. “Then who?”

He reaches over and takes my hand, and my heartbeat speeds up. “My sister-in-law is going back to work and they’re hiring a nanny. My mom is up in arms about someone she doesn’t know watching the kids.”

“You told her that you came back because I needed you.”

“
That
,” he points to me with the free hand, “
that
I said about you. That’s the problem with eavesdropping. You only hear one end of the conversation.” He grabs both my hands and kisses them. “She’s fine I came back for you. I’d always come back for you.”

He’s too sweet for me. He’s considerate, gentle, loving. “I don’t deserve you.”

“What does that even mean? I love you, Cassie. I want to be with you.”

“You what?” My heart is between my ears now, and I’m shaking. This can’t be real.

“I love you. I get that you’re scared. I am, too. But we’re in this together. We can be afraid together and overcome our fears just the same.”

Keith knows all my highs and lows and he still wants to be with me. He’s seen me at my best and at my worst. And he still wants me.

“I got you something.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box.

“What .. what are you doing?” He better not be proposing. I thought we were on the same page with that. Yes, I love him,
love
him, but I don’t want to get married.

“That night when you told me about your design notebook, your face lit up like nothing I’ve ever seen before. That’s the same way I feel when it comes to my woodworking. The passion shot out of your eyes and how much you missed it was obvious to me, even if it wasn’t to you. I think you should pursue that.”

“I’m forty years old, Keith.”

“Well, not for another two weeks.” He smiles. “You have to start somewhere, so start here.” He takes his hand off the box and hands it to me.
 

I snicker as I review the mini sewing kit, complete with a scissors, needles, pins, tweezers, and snaps. “Really?”

“Yes, really. See where this goes.”

“Or sew where this goes.” I cover my mouth as I accidentally snort when I say it.

“You’re corny. I love your sense of humor.”

“And I love you.” This is the first time I’m now saying it to him and inside I feel amazing and full and like I can face anything.

“Cassie Noble,” he says as he steps to the side of me and keeps my left hand in his. “Will you
not
marry me and be with me forever?”

A fortieth birthday party, a sewing kit, and an anti-proposal. I’d say this is the best night ever. “Yes, Keith. Forever and always.”

The words leave my lips and seconds later he’s dipping me, and I throw my arms around him. His lips are warm and inviting, and after years of being engulfed in pain and doubt, I’m finally overtaken by love and the belief of a future worth fighting for.

Chapter

Thirty-Six

After almost a year of planning, the day has finally arrived. Despite a few hiccups in the beginning, the entire ceremony went well. The reception is booming, and everyone is out on the dance floor. Even though it’s almost ninety degrees outside and the air conditioner is on the fritz, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. A perfect summer wedding.

The Dating for Decades group is going strong again, and even though one of us is now married off, the group is far from disbanding. Every person in the group is now in a relationship (and one of us now married) so we’re more of a group of friends than a group of older women (and man) who can’t find love. It’s been a good year and almost a half for all of us.

Keith convinced me to reach out to David and spread my mother’s ashes with him. He said I’ve come a long way, and he believed I could do this. And I did. David held onto the ashes convinced one day I would come to him. I’m proud of myself for contacting him, for allowing him to see me in such a vulnerable state, and to welcome me even though I wasn’t the daughter I should have been.
 

Now there’s this wedding, and it’s beautiful and fun, and I’m having the best time of my life. I’m free — free of fear. I’m not afraid to be in love, to be happy. This is the best feeling I could ever have in my entire life and while I wish I’d opened up sooner, I think my heart was waiting for Keith.
 

I’m careful not to snag my dress. It goes to my knees only, but there’s a lace layer covering it. All the dresses are gorgeous. The bouquet toss arrives, and I remember the last time I was involved in one ended with a horny kid grabbing at me. I’m hoping there isn’t a repeat.

I march in the circle, trying my best not to get dizzy. I’ll tell you, while turning forty hasn’t been the worst thing, now that I’m forty-one (yes, forty-
one
), I think my senses are disappearing, my knees are weakening, and I’m physically falling apart. That’s what happens when you get older, right? I’m waiting for the music to halt so I can stop moving. When it finally does, I’m ready.

I lift my hands up and catch it. Cheyenne tosses it directly to me even though she knows I’ll never walk down the aisle. Keith and I are happy and in love, and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

I’m always the bridesmaid. I’ll never be the bride.

And I’m okay with that.

•••••••

Acknowledgements

I tend to write long acknowledgements, so I’ll keep it short and simple this time. There are so many people to thank. First and foremost, my husband and family, for without you, I wouldn’t have a spark to write. Stephanie P., for believing in this book and encouraging me to keep going. Christine A., for spending a weekend emailing me back and forth to assist with a pivotal scene.