Deep Blue Secret (24 page)

She held it out to me. “Here, open it.”

I pulled the top gently off the box. Atop the red velvet lining was a single, dried flower and a handwritten note. I lifted the brown stem in my fingers. The petals were dingy and wilted but it was clearly the remains of a white rose. A sinking feeling lurched in my stomach. Had I seen this flower before? My mind flashed back to photography class and Mr. Brown’s picture of the colorless rose which had led to horrible emotions. I didn’t want that image in my mind.

I shook my head, releasing the thought and turned my attention to the note:

My dear Leena,

I’m sorry I have to leave. You may not understand, but you’ll be happier this way. Always remember that I love you. No matter where I go, that will never change.

Yours always,

Lin

It was my father’s own words, right on this little card in my hand. I knew he’d meant them for my mom, but for a brief moment I closed my eyes and pictured his voice saying those same sentiments to me.  A small tear drifted down my cheek. I would never get to hear his voice.

I dropped the card and looked at my mom. She was watching me carefully, worried about my feelings more than her own. How hard it must have been for her to read these words—the last words ever spoken to her by her true love.

I leaned forward and hugged her with all my strength. It was an embrace full of emotion; pain and sympathy for my mother’s loss, gratitude for her willingness to share it with me, and grief for the loss of a father I would never have the privilege to meet.

She handed me a tissue from the night stand and took another to blot her eyes.

She lifted the white flower from the wooden box. “This rose bloomed for almost a month,” she said. “I stared at it for hours the morning he left. Sometimes I still take it out for a few minutes, to remember.”

Before now, the flower was just part of a nice story my mom told me before bed, but as I stared at it in my mother’s hand, the truth sank in. My father gave this rose to her; it bloomed for weeks without water. Rayne’s daisy from the hospital was still in bloom, sitting on my grandmother’s vanity, because of the Healing Water.

I saw the sadness in my mother’s eyes and I knew who my father was. She undoubtedly didn’t know it, but he was the Keeper who saved her life from cancer. He was the one who loved her so deeply he couldn’t control his emotions, like a Keeper was supposed to. He was the one who gave her so much Healing Water that she was bonded to him forever, tethered to his heart beyond her own human capacity.

This had to be it. It was the only explanation that made sense. He probably had to leave her because he’d sworn an oath—just like Rayne. He swore to never get emotionally attached to those he healed and to never tell anyone the truth about who he really was. That had to be why he never told her anything about himself. The scenario played through my mind like a great tragedy. The whole thing didn’t seem fair.

What was so great about the Keeper oath anyway? How could that be so important it would be worth deserting the one you love? How could anything in this world be more important than that?

I felt a new respect for my mom because she’d survived this injustice. She may not have made the leap in allowing a new love into her heart, but she’d found a way to move on, to be happy; and she’d found a way to make others happy as well.

“You’re amazing, you know that,” I said to her.

She looked at me with half a smile. “Well, I don’t know about that.”

“Seriously, Mom, you’re like my inspiration.”

“Oh honey, you’re too good to me,” she said. She put the card and flower back in the wooden box, to bury deep away in the closet again.

She came back and grabbed a bottle of nail polish off the floor. “Do you like this color?” she said cheerfully, as if our painful conversation had never happened. Just like that, she was back to her happy self.

“Sure, that one’s nice,” I said, but my mind was still worrying about my mom’s happiness.

She waved me over and took my fingertips to begin painting.

She finished the first nail and held up my hand. “That will look great with your blue shirt at the dance, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, great,” I said, still distracted.

My senior year was practically half over. What if I decide to go to college next year; or travel or find a job? No matter what I end up doing, I would move out eventually. Then my mom would be all alone. The likelihood my father would ever come back was miniscule. Maybe she just didn’t realize how much happier she could be with someone to come home to at night, even if it wasn’t him. It was time for me to convince her.

She finished painting my right hand and moved on to my left.

“That was nice of Dr. Jensen to help you fix up the living room,” I said.

“Yeah, Mark’s a nice guy.”

I decided not to beat around the bush. “Mom, you know he
likes
you, right?”

“We’re just friends, honey.”

“I know, but he actually told me straight out at the hospital that he wants to date you.”

She stopped and looked up from my hand. “He told you that?”

“Yeah,” I said, with accusation in my tone.  “He also told me that you shot him down hard.”

She acted casual. “Well, I’d probably end up hurting his feelings, so I thought I’d save him the trouble.”

I frowned. “I know we just had this whole conversation about how much you loved my father, but as much as it sucks, I don’t think he’s coming back.”

“You think I don’t know that?” she scolded. She straightened her back. “I’m happy the way things are. I like it here just the two of us.”

“Well, what happens if I decide to go off to school somewhere far away or get married or something?”

“Oh honey, please tell me you’re not thinking of getting married. Don’t get me wrong, Rayne is darling, but I doubt you’re ready for such a big step.”

I stared at her blinking as the ridiculous words kept pouring from her mouth. “Of course my parents were barely your age when they got married and they turned out fine—”

I had to stop her insanity. “
Mom
,” I cut in. “I’m definitely
not
thinking about getting married. That was hypothetical. I just meant I’m going to feel bad leaving you here all alone when it’s time for me to grow up and move out.”

“You don’t need to feel bad,” she said. “I’m a grown woman; I can take care of myself.”

“I’m going to feel bad whether you tell me to or not. You seriously think you’ll be happy coming home every night to an empty house with no one to talk to? You don’t think you’ll be lonely without me?”

She pinched my cheek like a child. “Sadie-bear, I’m going to miss you tons when you leave. But I have my friends, and a wonderful job where I talk to people all day long. I’ll be fine.”

“Will you at least
consider
going on a date with Dr. Jensen? You can’t know if you do or don’t like him until you give him a real chance,” I said. “And talking to each other at work doesn’t count. It’s not the same as going on a real date.”

“I don’t know. He’s a nice guy and all…”

I gave her a stern look. “Who volunteered to drive you home late at night anytime you wanted to ride your bike to work?”

She hesitated. “Mark did.”

“And who finishes the job every time you get in over your head with a home improvement project?”

“Mark,” she relented.

“And who was there with a shoulder to cry on, when I was hurt in the hospital?”

She grimaced. “Yes, I get it; he’s a very
good
friend.”

“The problem is, he doesn’t want to be your friend. I saw his face, Mom. He’s hurting over you. He’s going to give up soon, and when he does, he’s probably not going to stick around. Just keep that in mind.”

She pondered over my words. For once it seemed like they started to sink in.

“I didn’t think about that,” she said. “Fine, I’ll
consider
going on a date with Mark.”

She grabbed my foot with a mischievous smile. “Time for your pedicure…”

Next thing I knew my feet were attacked by tickles.

I stared at the darkened ceiling from my pillow. Sleep wouldn’t come to me. Everything my mom said about my father somehow reminded me of Rayne; his secrets, his mysterious ways, his kind and thoughtful nature, his need to run away from emotions.

Usually talking to my mom would give me a positive outlook on things, but this time I was left feeling pensive and almost melancholy. It wasn’t her fault though; an innocent bystander sucked into unfair circumstances. All she’d done was given someone her love.

I believed my father truly loved her in return, but he still decided to leave. Would Rayne do the same? Yes, he would. All he talked about was doing his duty and keeping his oath. I’d practically begged him to stay with me and he only agreed because he hadn’t thought of a better solution yet. He was just humoring me, trying to keep me from messing up his job to protect me. Even if he loved me to some degree, eventually he would choose to leave me.

I struggled to suppress the strong feelings inside me. Rayne was already engrained deep in the fibers of my soul, just like my father was in my mom’s. But I had an advantage; I had a lot more information than she did.

I would protect myself from the hurt my mother suffered. With a greater understanding of the power of the Healing Water, I would find a way to separate myself from the forced emotions. Even if I couldn’t get rid of the feelings completely, at least I could choose not to act upon them. I couldn’t let them influence my decisions.

I was determined to stay in control of my own feelings. I didn’t contact Rayne to wish him goodnight and I decided not to talk to him before school tomorrow either. That seemed like a good first step, to bring some distance between us. Hopefully it would allow me to stop hanging on every moment we were apart.

The next time I would see him I would tell him I’d changed my mind, that I didn’t need him to coddle me like a baby anymore. He was free to do his job and I would promise not to get in the way, as long as he would promise to keep his distance. He would have to let me go on and live my life. It would be better that way for both of us. I didn’t want to end up like my mother.

The next morning I took extra care to show my mom how much I appreciated her. For the first time in my life I’d set the alarm half an hour early with plans to beat her to the kitchen to cook breakfast. I barely made it in time. I was just taking the eggs out of the fridge when she brightened the room with her presence.

“Someone was up early this morning,” she hinted.

“Don’t even think about coming in here,” I said. “I’m making breakfast for
you
today.”

“Sweetie, you don’t have to do that.”

I pointed a spatula at her nose. “I’m not taking no for an answer. Now go sit down and relax.”

“Okay, okay, I’m going,” she said.

I felt strangely tired after cooking breakfast; I wasn’t sure why. All I’d done was thrown together some scrambled eggs and toast. For a moment I felt a tinge of sadness too. Maybe it was my body trying to remind me I missed Rayne. I did my best to ignore it though. I wasn’t about to let emotions get the better of me today.

Instead I channeled all my feelings towards my mom. Before I left for school I gave her one of the longest hugs in history.

“Have a good day,” I said with extra sincerity. “It’s too bad you have to work this weekend, it would’ve been nice if we could spend more time together like last night.”

“Don’t you have the dance to go to on Saturday?” she asked.

I hadn’t thought about the dance today; that was going to be a tough night. I would have to work twice as hard to keep my emotions in control, what with all the dancing and romance in the air.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll be gone that night anyway,” I said.

“We’ll still see each other in the morning,” she offered. “I know…why don’t we go out to breakfast on Saturday? We can go to the little café you like on the peninsula.”

My face lit up at the idea. “Only if I get to ride the ferry across the harbor.”

It took twice as long to get there when we took the ferry instead of driving, but stopping to enjoy the scenery of the harbor was half the fun; it made breakfast seem like a special day trip.

“We can’t break tradition,” Mom agreed.

“Great; can’t wait.” I kissed her on the cheek and left for school.

Heather walked me to first period while updating me on her relationship with Nick; what was going well, how much they’d made out, and what things she was confused about—like when was the right time to take things to the next level.

To me, moving that fast seemed totally crazy, but I wasn’t the best person to ask for relationship advice, especially when it came to the physical stuff. I’d never even kissed a boy before. And who was I to talk anyway; I’d practically decided I was head over heels in love with Rayne after knowing him for only a few hours. Even with the bonding effect from the Healing Water, I should have been able to figure out that the idea was completely ridiculous.

But Heather insisted on my opinion, so I just told her to be herself and not give
it
up too soon; to make sure Nick liked her for her and not just because he was getting some action. I really had no idea what I was talking about. It may have even been an exact quote from a line in a movie I’d seen, but either way Heather seemed to appreciate my attempt.

Math class drained the life right out of me, even more than usual. I should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy to keep Rayne off my mind. I fought to keep a clear head and focus, but his face wouldn’t leave my thoughts; his golden skin, his crystal green eyes, the waves in his thick hair. I pushed the thoughts back as best I could, but it was almost physically exhausting to do so.

By the end of second period I wasn’t just frustrated and tired, I was angry; angry with myself for being so weak, for allowing the emotions to have such an influence over me; and even angry at Rayne for allowing me to feel so strongly about him.

I eyed the purple diary sitting on my desk. Why did I even bring it with me? Was I trying to torture myself? The light on top that signaled a message was dark, so obviously Rayne was having no problem resisting the chance to talk to me. Why couldn’t I do the same?

I sat at the desk ignoring my teacher and fidgeted with the chain hanging down my chest. I wore the crystal necklace today, thinking the Healing Water would help strengthen me in my quest for emotional independence, but it started to feel more like a noose around my neck. The more I struggled to pull myself mentally free, the tighter it cinched around my skin, cutting off my lungs from breath. Of course it wasn’t physically choking me, but I tore it off my neck anyway, stuffing it in the pocket of my jeans.

As soon as the bell rang I flew from my chair towards fresh air. The pathways filled with students all around me, but they were all a blur. Couldn’t I go one full day without needing him?

I thought about calling my mom. Maybe talking to her would ease my mind, or at least distract me. I quickly pulled my cell phone out and dialed her number but she didn’t answer. I shoved the phone back in my pocket with a groan and took in a few deep breaths.

I felt frozen, standing aimlessly in the middle of the school, my legs growing weaker every second. Why was it that whenever my emotions started to spin, my body seemed to follow? Just as I was about to resort to sitting right in the middle of the sidewalk, I heard my name through the daze of students.

I shook my head. “Huh?” I mumbled, searching for the source of the voice.

“I
said
…hey, Sadie,” came the voice from behind.

I turned slowly and found myself taking a step back.

“Emily, hi,” I said, trying to force a smile.

Emily Reese was standing way too close to my personal bubble, at least for today. She also was one of the burliest girls at our school and a little bit scary. It wasn’t like I had anything personally against her. She was just really big and tough-looking for a girl.

I wasn’t exactly in the mood to chit chat, but she had always been nice to me. I tried to be friendly and put on a happy face.

“So how are you?” I asked her. “Anything new?”

“It’s just
M
now.”

My eyes shifted to the side. “Uh, I don’t get it.”

“My name,” she said.

“Oh,
Em
…like short for Emily.”

She pointed to a black patch sewn on the breast of her camouflage jacket. It was in the shape of a large letter M. “No, just
M
, like the letter,” she said.

I pressed my lips together and forced them into what I hoped was a smile. “Cool,” I said nervously. I wasn’t sure what it was that seemed so creepy about this girl. I didn’t want to think something so mean, but she was making it really tough not to.

My legs wobbled. I wasn’t sure if it was the whole emotional weakness thing or just my nerves around Emily, or
M
, I should say.

I took another step back. “Well, it was good to see you.”

Before I could make my exit Emily spoke again. “I see you’re still enjoying my diary.”

I looked down at the books cradled in my arms, confused. For a moment I was tongue-tied.

“You should see your face,” Emily laughed. “I’m just messing with you. You know, because I was the one who gave it to you back in like first grade or something; for your birthday, remember?”

I shrugged. “Really? That was from you?”

“You were lucky I even gave it to you,” she joked.

“I was?”

She chuckled. “Yeah. I tried to steal it, but my mom caught me.”

“Why would you want to steal a blank diary?”

Her tone was aloof. “I don’t know. So I could say I stole something I guess.”

“Well since you were the one who bought it, you really just tried to steal it from yourself,” I said.”

“Actually, I wasn’t the one who bought it.”

“But I thought you said…” I paused. She wasn’t making sense. “So if it wasn’t you, who bought it then?”

Emily smiled wryly. “I think it was some neighbor kid that lived across the street. My mom was yacking away in the yard with some other mom, boring me to tears, so I started wandering. I ran into this older kid that asked me to give a present to you. He said his little sister was sick and couldn’t come to your party. So of course I opened it once he was gone and tried to hide it up my shirt.” She rolled her eyes. “But my mom figured it out.”

“A boy told you to give that diary to me?”

“Yep, I wonder if that guy still lives across the street from you,” she said, lifting her eyebrows. “That kid was a stone cold
fox
, if you know what I mean. He can undress me with those sassy green eyes any time he wants.”

I laughed without humor as the bell rang. “Um, I better get to class,” I said. Suddenly I knew how the saying
saved by the bell
was invented.

I staggered in the opposite direction, a burst of heat filling my ears and cheeks. For some reason Emily’s words stung me like a swarm of killer bees; the diary, the hot guy across the street, the sassy green eyes—it was Rayne. It had to be him. He was there on my seventh birthday planting the diary on Emily Reese to hopefully spy on me.

Frustration jolted through my limbs causing me to fumble down the walkway. Who cared if it was Rayne? Why was I even upset about it? I knew all this time he had a high-tech copy of my diary. Why did Emily’s story bother me?

I eased myself down on a bench near the school entrance, hoping to slow the spinning in my head. Suddenly I felt the urge to scream, but what came out was more of a pitiful yelp. It was
me
I was mad at; because I didn’t figure it out before. After all Rayne had told me, I still thought he created the copy of my diary within the last couple of months, even though he already said he’d been here since I was seven years old.

It was a trivial and insignificant detail, but somehow it still drove me insane. It was just one more thing I wasn’t able to figure out on my own. One more thing that Rayne knew and I didn’t. It was one more thing to make me feel insecure, vulnerable and utterly dependent on him for all the answers.

To make matters worse, what I wished for more than anything else was for him to be with me right now. I wanted him to hug me and stroke my hair until everything felt right again. I found myself staring at the open diary with a pen in my hand as I fought to suppress the urge to contact him.

You can get through this without him
, I told myself. My clenched hand hovered over the book until the world around me became so blurred I could barely see straight. I could feel my body getting weaker. I reached a shaky hand in my pocket and pulled out the crystal necklace I’d removed during class. Maybe it would somehow work better if it was closer to my heart. Once I had it over my head, I tucked it back safely under my shirt.

Then I turned around on the bench to face the wall, thinking there would be less objects in front of me to spin, but it was too late. My stomach turned into pretzels. I longed for solid ground. I wanted to fight it, but I knew this feeling from past experience—I was going to pass out.

As much as I wanted to resist crying out to Rayne for help, I knew he was the only one who could help me. I tried to steady the diary in my unstable lap and pressed the pen between my fingers. I managed only one word in the book before my body fell limp:

HELP

There was a slight hum in my ears when I came to. I rolled over dreamily in my seat to find Rayne’s creased face glancing back and forth from me to the road.

For a split second I couldn’t remember how I’d ended up asleep in Rayne’s car, but the entire morning came back to me quickly.

“Well, here you are to save the day again,” I said weakly, with a hint of sarcasm.

He smiled. “Just rest for a few minutes, when you’re feeling up to it, I’ll pull over somewhere to talk.”

I still felt worn out so I didn’t object. He held his right hand towards me and I wanted to ignore it, but it looked too comforting to resist. I let his fingers curl over mine.