Deep Green: Color Me Jealous with Bonus Content (11 page)

“I don’t know how you’re
ever
going to catch up, Jordan.” She said this in what I’m sure was supposed to sound like a very sympathetic tone.

“Yeah,” agreed Betsy. “The routines are pretty hard.”

“Maybe you should just call it quits,” suggested Shawna kindly. “They’re having tryouts for the basketball dance team today. You might be able to make that.”

“You mean the Dog Squad,” said Betsy, and everyone laughed loudly. The cheerleaders, among others, get a kick out of calling the dance team the Dog Squad. There are two dance teams every year, one for football and one for basketball, and both teams have twenty girls, which actually gives forty girls a chance at participating. But everyone knows that only the cheerleading rejects and major losers ever try out for the Dog Squad. And I suppose I have to agree with popular opinion, since I’d rather be seen picking my nose than dancing with the Dog Squad.

“Maybe I can help you with the routines,” suggested Ashley as we were leaving the lunch table. Naturally, she said this in a lowered voice since this could get her into big trouble if Ms. Brookes found out.

I tried to register genuine enthusiasm, but really I just felt like smacking someone right then. Mostly Shawna. “Sure, Ashley,” I said with a pasted-on smile. “That’d be great. Do you really have time?”

“Yeah, this weekend is good for me. Not during the day though since I have to work at the mall. Which reminds me, my mom said she’d like to hire you during the Christmas rush. You still interested?”

“Sure.”

“Well, why don’t we plan on Saturday night then, unless you have a big date.” She smiled in a teasing way.

“Yeah, right.” I rolled my eyes. “But what about you? Aren’t you and Brett going—?”

“He’s going to be at the shooting clinic over at the university all weekend.”

“Great, then I’ll plan on Saturday.”

“And you can talk to my mom about the job too.”

“Okay.”

So, all in all, I guess my life isn’t totally hopeless. But I just don’t get why it has to be so difficult most of the time. Like, what did I do to deserve this? I especially have to wonder about this at times like tonight, when the stuff finally hit the fan with my parents.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were on probation, Jordan?” my mom demanded as I stopped in the kitchen to help her put away about twenty bags of groceries. So much for trying to be nice!

“How’d you hear about that?” I asked.

“I saw Jenny’s mom at the store.” She sat down a heavy bag and then peered at me curiously.

“Oh.” I’d sort of forgotten that Jenny’s mom is not only a friend of my mom but that she also has a very big mouth. “I was going to tell you.”

“When?”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Doing what?” My mom flopped the turkey onto the counter and then turned around to really study me. “It’s obvious that you haven’t been doing your homework, Jordan.”

“Huh?”

“Your midterm grades.”

“Oh, yeah.”

She softened. “Really, Jordan, what’s going on with you?”

“It’s been hard, Mom.”

“Is this about Timothy?”

I shrugged and then turned around to put the potatoes in the bin, obviously stalling, as I carefully unloaded them one by one when I could’ve easily just dumped the entire bag.

“Jordan, you can talk to me,” she urged. “I remember what it felt like to be in high school.”

I stood up and studied her now. “Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

I shook my head. “But you and I aren’t anything alike, Mom.”

“Oh, I didn’t go for things like cheerleading. And in all fairness it was considered kind of stupid and shallow back in the early seventies. I was more into art and social causes. Did I ever tell you about the time we staged a war protest at—?”

“Yeah, Mom, you told me.”

“Oh.”

“That’s what I mean. We’re just different, Mom. Sometimes I think Kara should’ve been your daughter instead of me.”

She smiled. “How
is
Kara anyway? I saw her a few weeks ago and she told me that she’s really getting into art this year.”

“Yeah. Art and religion.”

She smiled even bigger. “Well, good for her.”

I rolled my eyes. “I think I’ll go do my homework, Mom.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

And so I went to my room, but instead of doing my homework, I went online and checked to see if I had any email. Of course, the only new pieces were spam. “You’ve won a free vacation!” Yeah, I wish. And “Get out of debt for only $19.99.” People who fall for that one should be locked up in the debtors’ prison for good.

Then I scrolled down to where I’ve saved every one of Timothy’s emails to me. And, in the mood to torture myself, I began to read them, one by one. Before long I was crying, and then I finally came to the last email. I read it again, more carefully this time, and suddenly I thought it just didn’t sound quite right. Something about what he’d written to me about being sorry about last Friday just didn’t sound like it was really from the heart. I even wondered if perhaps he’d written it just to pacify Shawna. I could imagine her standing there, looking over his shoulder, smiling smugly as she watched him literally writing me off.

But now I realized that my choice to totally ignore it—I hadn’t responded to it at all—might’ve been a complete mistake. At the time, I’d been frustrated and didn’t want to appear like I was trying too hard, especially after that little spiel I’d given him about wanting a one-girl kind of guy. But for some reason I thought maybe it was time to respond now.

“Hey, Tim,” I typed out. “Sorry to be so slow getting back to you, but that’s life, eh? Thanks for the email. And, hey, don’t worry. I think I’m ready to move on now anyway. We had a lot of fun together and I’ll always remember the good times. Have a good life. Love, Jordie.”

Then I hit send. Now the problem with email is that once you send it, it’s gone. And in the next instant, I wished I hadn’t bothered. I mean, what was the purpose of this lame attempt to get his attention again? I might’ve written “I’m moving on” in my email, but it seemed pretty obvious, at least to me, that I was still stuck on the guy if I was still sending him email. But who knew? Maybe this was actually a step in my recovery.

I stared at the pile of books that I actually brought home with me today, thinking I could really knock out a couple of homework projects during the four-day weekend. But instead of opening my history book, I opened my latest issue of
Glamour
and totally lost myself in the fickle world of fashion. Ah, relief.

Of course, I did interrupt myself periodically to go and check my email, just in case Timothy responded—which he didn’t. I am truly pathetic.

fifteen

T
HANKSGIVING WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING
. W
E HAD A HOUSEFUL OF
relatives, and that was okay, but Abbie only stuck around for a short while before she went to hang with her old high-school friends. Not that I blame her. I’d probably do the same thing under the same circumstances. But then she took off early on Friday to go to the mountains with some of her new college friends. Okay, what can I say? Except that, once again, I feel jealous. Sheesh, I really need to get a life.

But then on Saturday, I got a nice surprise. An email from Timothy! And not just a thanks-for-the-note kind of email either. No, it seemed that he was seriously rethinking the whole Shawna thing. Apparently they’d had a fight and he was getting fed up with her stupid games. He actually wanted me to drive over to the university where they were having their shooting clinic so we could
talk
.

“Meet me at the Starbucks on Oak Street at eight o’clock,” he wrote. “I think we can figure out a way to get back together for good. Love, Tim.”

I couldn’t believe it. It seemed my life might finally be turning around. And this time, I didn’t even have to do the manipulating. Timothy had come back to me on his own free accord.

“I’m not going to be able to make it tonight,” I told Ashley on the phone.

“Why not?” I could hear the irritation in her voice, and suddenly I knew I couldn’t tell her it was to drive an hour and a half just to meet Timothy for coffee. I didn’t think she’d get it—especially since her theme song to me is “Just move on,” and so far I’d managed to convince her that I had. Why mess things up now?

“It’s a family emergency,” I told her. “My parents have to leave town and I’ve got to babysit Leah and Tommy.” I felt a dryness in my mouth. Lying really doesn’t agree with me.

“You can bring them over here,” said Ashley. “We can plug them into a video or something. My mom has the whole moronic Disney collection.”

“I can’t do that,” I told her. “Everyone’s pretty upset and my parents really want me to stay home and keep things calm for them.”

“Wow, what happened anyway?”

I thought for a moment. “It’s my sister Abbie. She went to the mountains with some friends and something happened. We don’t even know for sure what.”

“Man, that’s too bad. Well, let me know if she’s okay, Jordan. That’s a bummer.”

“I know. But hopefully it’ll all sort out. Maybe we can practice tomorrow.”

“I have to work again. But maybe tomorrow night. Although Brett will be home by then and I hate to miss seeing him. I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And, really, I’m sorry about your sister and everything. I hope she’s okay.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I hung up and felt slimy as toilet-bowl scum. I mean, what on earth was wrong with me? How had I turned into such a total liar?

The only thing that was perfectly clear to me was that love can make you do strange things.

Well, as long as I was getting myself in deeper and deeper, I decided to lie to my parents as well. For one thing, I knew they wouldn’t approve of me driving so far at night. And to meet a guy? Well, I could just forget about that. So I went along with my previous plan and told my mom that I was going to Ashley’s to learn the new routines and talk to her mom about a job.

“That’s great, Jordan,” said my mom. “I’m glad to see you’re getting back on track.”

I smiled my little happy smile and nodded. “Yeah, it feels good to me too. And it might take us a while to really get the routines down, so if you don’t mind, I might just spend the night at Ashley’s. I could probably even go to work with her in the morning and sort of start figuring out all the stuff at the store.”

“That’s a good idea. I heard the weather forecast and they’re predicting there might be an ice storm later on tonight. I think I’d feel better knowing you weren’t driving home late.”

“An ice storm?”

“Yeah, it’s supposed to rain and then freeze. Pretty bad driving conditions.”

Well, this made me hesitate. Did I really want to get stuck driving home in an ice storm? But, on the other hand, if this were my big chance to win Timothy back, maybe I wouldn’t even be driving home at all.

“You okay, honey?” My mom was peering at me with a funny look.

“Yeah, just spacing, I guess. I need to go get some things ready to take over to Ashley’s.”

My mom smiled. “I’m proud of you, Jordan.”

“Really?” Now, for whatever reason, that only made me feel worse. I went up to my room and carefully reread Timothy’s email. I considered calling Kara and asking her advice, but I knew exactly what she would say. Instead, I picked up the photograph of the cheerleaders and stared blankly at it. Shawna’s smirking smile seemed to be taunting me, as if she were daring me to try to take her man. How could I possibly turn away now?

I wasn’t totally sure at what point that little green monster had really taken hold of me, but there was no denying that I was pretty much consumed with jealousy and bitterness. And why shouldn’t I be? I mean, really, wasn’t
I
the victim here?

I had done
everything
I could think of to patch things up with Shawna early on. Man, I’d even given her my Beatles collection! Argh! And then she used me when I had honestly believed she was my friend. And what about the sweater I let her buy before the party where she stole my boyfriend?

But did she care that she totally crushed me and broke my heart? Not even. She only did everything possible to torment me and make my life worse. She stole my car keys and my best pair of jeans. And everyone knows she’s the real reason I’m on probation right now. I mean, this girl is evil. The way I see it, she really has it coming to her, and the only way I can ever get even is to win Timothy back.

The way I see it, it’s a win-win situation for me. Hurt Shawna and get Timothy. But it’s a win-win for Tim too. He gets rid of the twisted devil chick and gets a girlfriend who’s really worthy of him—a girlfriend who knows how to listen and really understands him.

And suddenly I knew I had to settle this thing, once and for all. I was in and Shawna was out. Nothing was going to stop me.

And so, with
that
kind of determination, I carefully dressed in my coolest outfit and packed a small bag for whatever might happen as the evening progressed. I emptied about fifty bucks in small bills and change from my piggy bank, and then without looking back or questioning my motives or my final decision, I set out to meet my true love.

sixteen

I
T WASN’T ALL THAT COLD OUT WHEN
I
STARTED DRIVING
. A
ND THE RAIN
was just light and misty. I felt certain that Mom must’ve heard the wrong weather report—maybe it was for
tomorrow
night.
Besides
, I told myself,
I’m a good driver
. And more important, I was on a mission.

It was just a little past eight when I found and parked in front of the Starbucks on Oak Street. I didn’t see Timothy’s car anywhere in sight, but then I figured he’d probably walked over. My guess was that the guys would be staying at a dorm on campus. I had even wondered if Timothy might possibly have a place where I could crash for the night, especially if the weather got worse. I wasn’t totally sure this would be
the
night when we would actually have sex for the first time. But I was certainly open to that possibility since apparently that was the only way to seal the deal with this guy. Mostly I tried not to think about that too much.