Deep in You (Phoenix #1) (17 page)

“I–what did you say?” I fought back the surge of panic, forcing my expression to remain neutral.

“You didn’t hear me, or you wish you didn’t hear me?”

Yeah, right. Like I’m dumb enough to fall for that.
“The first one. I’m sorry, I thought you said something.”

She sat up, regarding me, trying to find the lie on my face. “I said I love you, Xander. I know we haven’t known each other long, but this last week has been the best in my entire life.”

I opened my mouth, but she cut me off, placing a finger over my lips.

“Shh… there’s more. Let me finish. I need to tell you something else. I wasn’t sure how you were going to handle it, but you deserve to know.”

My heart thudded in my chest as I waited.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered.

Chapter Fifteen

“Pregnant?”

The world stopped. My breath rushed out of me like I’d been sucker-punched. I must have misheard her. I jumped to my feet and yanked my pants up, desperate to put some distance between us while I processed this.

“P–pregnant? How?” The surprise that she’d professed her love only a moment before paled and faded, giving way to the much
more
shocking news she’d just delivered. If her goal had been to give me a heart attack, she might still succeed.

She rolled her eyes. “You ask me that not even a minute after pulling your dick out of me?”

“Is it mine?”

“Of course it’s yours! Who else’s would it be?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “What the hell kind of question was
that?”

“It could be your ex’s. Didn’t you break up the same day we met? Did you see anyone after me? I think that’s a fair God damned question.”

“Michael and I broke up the same day, but we hadn’t had sex together for a couple of weeks. I’ve had my period since then. There’s been no one else.”

“B–but…” My gaze fell on the used condom on the floor, “but we used protection. Every time. Didn’t we?” I thought back to every erotic encounter we had shared those two blissful days. This was a nightmare. Instead of basking in an afterglow with her, I’d had a pretty effective bucket of freezing cold water dumped over me.

“I thought so, too. Looking back, though, there was that time in your gym…”

God damn it. She was right. I remembered it clearly now that she brought it up: the arguing, the banter that led to me falling. I remembered it all, every moment of that tryst playing back through my mind. I hadn’t even had pockets. There was no way I’d had a condom. How could I have been so stupid?

“I’m sorry, Xander,” she whispered.

I couldn’t breathe. The walls closed in on me. I looked down at Lily, every muscle tense, disgust driving my emotions. Disgust at myself… and at her. “How long, Lily?”

“What?”

“How long have you been keeping this from me?”

She flushed. “Three weeks.”

Three fucking weeks.
Between moving in with me and that first weekend, we’d only spent nine days together. She’d known longer than that. I had to get out of here. I had to leave before I said something I’d
really
regret. I was so furious, yet somehow knew that wouldn’t help matters. Something in my brain switched off, checking out. The feelings numbed, the fury abated. I knew they were still there, but my mind repressed them.

“Xander, I–”

I walked back to her and pulled her to her feet. I kissed her, lightly brushing my lips over hers. She didn’t react. She didn’t melt into me as she had before. I felt… nothing. I released her.

“It’ll be okay, Lily. I promise. I… I need to go. I have to think. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“You’re leaving?” She looked horrified.

I swallowed. “I have to… for now. I need to get out of here, I need air. Just… I gotta go.”

She didn’t move, didn’t react as I turned my back on her and headed for the stairs and out of my own home.

Chapter Sixteen

“Next up on rings is Alexander Phoenix, USA.”

I lifted my right arm into the air and paused, then ambled over to the rings, waiting. I covered my hands with chalk and adjusted my ring grips. Sam was ready and waiting. At a nod of my head, he placed his hands on my waist and helped me up. I strengthened my grip, calmed my nerves. Blocked out the judges, the crowds, everything. This was my event. I was ready.

I extended my arms to either side and held the Iron Cross, every muscle in my body taut. I curled my legs up into a sitting position and rolled over in a slow somersault. Circling around again, I lifted into a handstand, then swung myself around.

The memory came unbidden to my mind.

“I’m pregnant, Xander.”

No.

Not now. I hadn’t slept at all last night. I had walked to my buddy John’s house and crashed on his couch. I tossed and turned and thought about all my mistakes. Maybe it was her fault; she had been a tabloid reporter. Had she planned to ensnare me? I knew that was wrong, though. She was guilty, yes, but I was just as guilty.

I completed the second circuit around and spread my arms to drop back into the Iron Cross position, but my right hand slipped.

Fuck.

I only had a split second to process what was happening as I crashed to the floor. I tried to catch myself with my left hand, but felt a tearing pain in my shoulder, followed by a worse pain in my back as I landed flat on my tailbone, sitting up.

I was dazed. I’d never fallen like that before. My entire body had tensed as I fell. I tried to get up, but the pain overwhelmed me. I collapsed onto my side and rolled flat onto my back. My stomach roiled, my vision darkened as my breakfast threatened to be forced up and out. Vaguely, almost as if it were happening to someone else, I became aware of the horrified tone of the announcer’s voice, the fact that the crowd had gone silent, and worst of all… Sam’s terrified face as he tried to get my attention.

“Sam…?”

“Don’t move, Xander. The paramedics will have the stretcher here in just a moment.”

That’s it. He didn’t ask me to do anything, didn’t ask inane questions about how many fingers he was holding up. He didn’t touch me at all, just stood close by, waiting. Clearly, I was too fucked up for there to be any need.

What the hell had I done?

Chapter Seventeen

I woke to a shrill beep. My eyes jerked open. I tried to focus on my surroundings. I was in a strange bed in a strange white room. The sound came from a slender metal stand next to my bed. A clear, almost empty bag hung from the pole, swinging slightly.

An IV. This was a hospital room. I tried to sit up, but pain ripped through my back and arm, threatening to make me black out. I fumbled for the call button my foggy brain knew had to be there.

The EMTs had determined that I needed X-rays, so they’d brought me to the hospital. My left arm had been dislocated at the shoulder socket. My jaw clenched. Resetting that had been a blast. But the real problem was my back. Worry pooled in my gut. What would become of me?

After the X-rays, they had stuck me in a room and told me that my regular doctor would visit me in the morning. The overnight doc had ordered pain medications, and they’d essentially knocked me out for the night.

My right hand gripped the wired remote that held the call button.

The static-filled voice through the remote sounded tinny, disjointed.
“Your light is on. How can I help you?”

I cleared my throat. “The IV alarm is going off.”

“I’ll send in your nurse.”
The static vanished and, with it, my connection to the outside world. I dropped the remote, exhausted.

What the hell had happened out there? That was my event.
Mine.
All I had had to do was claim it, but I’d lost my focus.

I sighed. I’d lost my focus because my subconscious knew what was really important.
Lily.
She was carrying my child.
My
child. We hadn’t known each other long. She’d said this last week was the best in her life. Well, it was one of mine, too. And I’d panicked and walked out on her.

I could never ask Lily to have an abortion. The thought was horrific to me. I was sure she didn’t want to, either. If she
had
wanted to end it, wouldn’t she have done it already? We’d have to find a way to make this work. We could split time between us like other unmarried parents.

Or, what if Lily could be my future? She
said
she loved me. Did she mean it?

I
could
always propose. That would be the honorable thing to do.

An image formed in my mind: coming home to my family, kissing my wife, having meals together. It looked… right. Things may not be easy as we got to know each other, but we’d find a way.

Feelings of both hope and dread fought for control of my body. Was it wrong of me to think of proposing now that my gymnastics career was almost certainly over? Was I merely facing some sort of existential crisis from the probable loss of my ability to compete anymore? Did this mean I was dumping all my hopes and goals on her? Hell, yeah… and I knew it.

None of that changed the fact that it was still the right thing to do.

I had to get myself together for the sake of our child. I
could
learn to love Lily.

The door swung open, followed by a brief tap. “Can I come in?” I turned to stare, half expecting Lily to walk in, but it was just a blonde woman dressed in bright blue scrubs, dragging a rolling kiosk with a laptop on it behind her.

“You ask me after opening the door? Not like I could stop you even if I wanted to. Come on in. Your hospital.”

She smiled and flipped a switch on the IV pole, silencing it. The ringing echoed in my ears in the sudden quiet.

“My name is Corrine, and I am your nurse today. How are you feeling, Mr. Phoenix?”

“Well, as long as I don’t move too much, just fine.”

“What is your pain level on a scale of one to ten?”

“Sitting still or moving?”

“You tell me.”

“Umm… not moving, maybe a four. When I try to sit up…” I tried, gasping at the pain. “Eight.”

She tapped away at some keys on the laptop. “It’s been about six hours since your last dose of pain medication. I’ll bring you more Dilaudid. And more fluids for your IV. Do you need anything else?”

Lily.
“No, thank you.”

She turned and dragged the rolling kiosk out with her.

I returned to planning out my next moves with Lily. My decision was made, not that I had much alternative. Every other option seemed bleaker than the last. Child support payments? Living alone, bitter, consumed by broken dreams? No, I had to take steps to improve things. We already lived together. After I got discharged I would get a ring and propose. I’d get flowers, play soft music, the works. She’d love it… I hoped.

My gymnastics future was uncertain. I desperately tried not to think about it, but spinal injuries were the kiss of death for many athletes, and I knew it. I had enough money saved up from sponsorships and medal awards that we could live comfortably for a few years, but I would need to start thinking of a more stable job to support my family.