Deep Surrendering: Episode Four (7 page)

Once he started kissing me, something ignited in Fin. This was what I always thought it would be like with him. Wild and harsh and free, and so intense it was too much and not enough all at the same time.

I scratched his back and he bruised my thighs and bit my lip, and I bit his and we rolled around one another, locked in battle. I came so hard I knew I drew blood when I dug my fingers into his back, ripping his shirt, and my teeth into his lower lip.

Everything I did just seemed to excite him more, make him go harder. The place between my legs where our bodies met was sore and tender, but I didn’t want him to stop. Silently, I begged him with my body. With everything I had.

He went faster until I was afraid we were going to destroy each other. And then he arched above me and made an unintelligible sound before collapsing on me.

We’d done it.

Fin’s body was heavy on mine, and I had to tap him on the shoulder.

“Can’t breathe,” I said, and he rolled off me, both of us completely wrecked. Neither of us spoke for what felt like an hour.

“You bit me,” Fin said, wiping at his mouth and showing me the smear of blood from his lip.

“Sorry. Heat of the moment. You weren’t very gentle with me either,” I said, shifting my hips and wincing. I poked at them and knew I was going to have bruises. Never mind the road rash from the vigorous sex.

“I should be mad at you, but I’m still too turned on,” he said. Damn, really?

“So it was good for you? Despite the biting, and I think I might have left some marks on your back.” He rolled onto his stomach and I inspected his shirt. Yup, I’d torn it with my nails, and there were red marks that had little beads of blood welling out of them. God, I’d done some damage. I didn’t know it was that bad. Heat of the moment, indeed.

“My back is fine. It’s my brain that I’m not sure is going to recover. That was…” He waved his hand, searching for a word. “That was much better than I thought it was going to be. I was afraid there, for a minute. If I was going to be able to finish. But then you took control.”

“And you let me. That was pretty awesome. How do you feel?” Gingerly, I turned over onto my stomach.

“I’m not sure yet. I’m still shocked that I liked it.”

“It was pretty good. I mean, from my perspective. I didn’t think I’d like it rough like that. But there’s a lot of things I’ve done with you that I didn’t think I’d like.”

“Same here.” He brushed my hair away from my face and stroked my back. “Thank you for experiencing that with me. For letting me take my time and drag my feet. You have the patience of a saint.”

“Not quite. Just enough to deal with you, I guess.”

One of the candles guttered out.

“Very funny.”

I got up and went to use the bathroom. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to do it naked with me? There was that time in the shower that I’d rather forget about.” I was over the fact that he hadn’t used a condom, since he’d felt awful and had made up for it, but that didn’t mean it was now a fond memory.

“One step at a time. Would you like your secret now?”

I lay back down on the bed, and he moved closer to me. “I get face-to-face sex and a secret? I’m a lucky girl. If you want to share, go ahead.” I rested my head in the crook of my arm and let his fingers wander over my body.

“My father bought me a woman for my sixteenth birthday. He didn’t know about the sex with my cousin, and he still thought I was a virgin. I hid my whoring around well. I’d already started to get into the darker side of sex, and most girls my age wouldn’t go for it. So my parents threw this lavish party for me, but it was really for them to show off. I didn’t even know most of the people there. By the end of it, I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed. But my father had me driven to a hotel, and he handed me a room key for the penthouse and told me not to come home until I’d gotten his money’s worth.”

I always tried to remain neutral when he told me stories about his past, but it was almost as hard as remaining still and silent when we had sex. My natural reaction was shock at what he told me.

“You okay?” He felt the tension and revulsion in my body, and his fingers stopped moving along my hip.

“Yeah. Keep going.”

“I had an idea of what he was talking about, but it wasn’t until I opened the door and found the woman that I knew what he’d done. She was young. Just a little older than I was. Cute, huge brown eyes. Blonde hair with blue tips. She was scared, obviously, and I think he picked her because of that. I was angry at him about the party, and angry about a lot of things and … and I took it out on her.”

I couldn’t suppress the shudder that rippled down my spine.

“I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did to her. It’s one of the things I regret the most.” He closed his eyes. “She did well, and I tried to be gentle with her. She thanked me for it, afterwards.”

How was it possible not to be a little fucked up when your father got you a hooker for your birthday? What happened to a car?

“That was my first taste of what I could have if I paid for it. I found her again, afterwards, saw her again. She was always up for whatever I wanted, whatever depravity I could come up with. I explored with her, and then she introduced me to other girls, and then I fell into that world and I haven’t come up for air.”

His hand stopped moving again.

“Until now, I guess. Being with you is like breathing deep for the first time in a long time.”

He stopped speaking, waiting for my reaction. As always, I gave myself a minute to think about what he’d told me. If it changed my view of him. We were both waiting for that one secret he’d tell me that would tip me over the edge. That one that I wouldn’t be able to get past. It hadn’t happened yet, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t.

“That’s seriously fucked up, Fin. But you know that.”

He rolled over and winced. “Yes, I do.”

“I can’t believe he’d do that. No wonder he gives me the heebies.”

“He does that to a lot of people.”

I don’t know what made me ask the next question, but for some reason I needed to know. “What’s her name?”

“She’s never told me her real name. I just call her Sapphire.”

We stayed in bed until nearly all the candles went out. I had all sorts of questions about hiring a hooker, but I didn’t want to ask any of them. So I talked about other things.

“Have you ever gotten high?” I liked talking into the night, when Fin was free with his words.

“More times than I’d like to count.”

“On just pot, or other stuff too?”

He hesitated, but really, how much worse could it be than having sex with a prostitute?

“Come on, tell me. I’ve only smoked pot once or twice. Stupid college stuff. And I borrowed somebody’s ADHD pills once to study for a test. But that’s all. I don’t even drink that much. I don’t like feeling like I’m impaired. Like I’m not myself. Like I’m not in control.”

“I know,” he said. “That’s why I stopped. I liked the whole not-feeling or pleasant-feeling aspect, but for a control freak, drugs don’t really work out. I had to stop because it was affecting my job. So then I just turned to sex and that was my drug. Better high.” He gave me a grim smile. Yeah, the high from sex was definitely worth it. And much healthier for you than coke or heroin. At least, up to a certain point.

“You’re a total bad boy. Sloane told me that I’ve always been secretly attracted to them.”

“Really? I’ve never thought of myself that way.”

The last candle went out, pulling us into darkness.

“But I guess I am.”

I asked Fin if he wanted to sleep in my bed with me or if he wanted to take the couch. I didn’t even bother to suggest I sleep on the couch. I knew he’d never go for it.

“I think I can stay here. I’ve done it before. I think I can do it again.”

“And the sex? Do you think the sex could happen again?” Before he left, preferably.

“Maybe. I leave on Friday. It’s almost Thursday.” I glanced at the clock and saw that he was right. Shit. He was leaving in a little over a day. How had the time gone that fast?

“You can’t go,” I said, wiggling closer to him.

“I have to. But now I have a reason to come back. And something to look forward to. Do you … do you think we should stay in touch?”

What a stupid question. Of course we should.

“Absolutely. I’d miss you if you just dropped out of my life. We can video chat and text, and I know it’s going to be weird with the time difference, but we’ll make it work. Right?”

“We can try. I can send you souvenirs and stupid touristy things.” That would definitely give me something to look forward to. “And talking with you will help me pass some of the time. Meetings can be terribly dull and long when we have to get everything translated.” Fin’s company worked almost exclusively with foreign companies who wanted to break into US markets. Some of the companies had English speakers on staff, but some of them didn’t, so negotiations and presentations could take forever.

“I like that. And then when you get back, we can have a reunion. It’ll be like a conjugal visit.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

“Now that I like. And perhaps during our video chats, you might give me a glimpse of what I’ll be missing?”

I gasped and pretended to be shocked. “Fin! I would never participate in such depravity.” I was totally kidding.

“You wouldn’t? You wouldn’t touch yourself for me?”

“Nope. Don’t do that. Ever.” I kept my face completely serious.

He raised a skeptical eyebrow. “You’re telling me you don’t masturbate?”

“No, what’s that?” I was really laying it on thick.

“Either you’re a good actress or you’re messing with me.”

He was definitely confused. This was fun.

“Yes, Fin. I’m screwing with you. Yes, I screw with myself. Doesn’t everyone?” I laughed and he glared at me.

“You’d be surprised.”

“Do you?” Just imagining him getting himself off made me want to get myself off.

“Not very often. I like other options.”

Interesting. You’d think someone who’s a sexual control freak would be all over that. Getting yourself off was the ultimate control.

“Would you do it for me?”

“We’ll see. I haven’t left yet.”

I made a sound of disgust. “I hate talking about you leaving, but I know we need to. Necessary evil. Like doing taxes and getting a physical.” Speaking of that, I needed to see my gyno and update my birth control prescription.

“It’s only two months. Eight weeks. About sixty days. You’ll be so busy with school and charity events and your friends that you won’t even notice I’m gone.” That was complete shit and he knew it.

“And you’ll be so busy with meetings and client dinners and other fabulous things.” Our eyes met, and we both knew what the other was thinking about.

“I’m not going to. While I’m gone.” He didn’t need to tell me what he wasn’t going to. I knew.

“I’m conflicted. Obviously I don’t want you to, but I can’t make that kind of demand on you. We’ve been seeing each other such a short time and it’s not fair to you to make you change your entire life for me. But I want to ask you to. Because I’m selfish like that,” I said.