Defy (23 page)

everything else that had happened. But now the memory of that

moment surged up, the shock of Damian’s agility and skill with a

sword.

“I’d better go find a shirt,” Rylan said and he turned to leave.

“Rylan, wait!”

But he ignored me and strode away.

180

 twenty-five 

I
waited as long as I could to go to bed, even though I was

almost falling over with exhaustion. The thought of facing

either Rylan or
Prince
Damian — let alone sleeping by both of them — right now was enough to make me contemplate taking my

chances curled up underneath a tree. I went to check on Lisbet and

Tanoori again, but Lisbet shooed me away without giving me an

update, leaving me with no other option except to slowly make my

way to Prince Damian’s tent, near the front of the line.

Mist curled along the ground in the darkness, winding

between tree trunks and bushes, stretching diaphanous fingers up

the sides of the tent as I stood before it, trying to gather my cour-

age. Damian was correct when he said Antion was beautiful.

Beautiful and deadly. But the jungle seemed like the safer option

compared to what awaited me inside that tent.

Stop it. You’re not going to stand out here all night, hyperventilating
, I told myself firmly.
Pull it together and go inside so you can
get some rest.

It was completely silent; maybe they were both asleep already.

I took a deep breath and opened the f lap.

Prince Damian and Rylan sat on opposite sides of the tent,

wide awake. The space in between them, which I presumed was for

181

me, was big enough for someone Jax’s size. I almost turned around

and walked out again to take my chances with the snakes and jag-

uars, but then Damian stood up.

“Would you like some help with your bedroll?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you,
my
lord
,” I said, with a pointed glance in Rylan’s direction.

He wouldn’t meet my gaze, and my stomach clenched. But

Damian looked straight at me, and his expression was one of con-

fusion, even hurt.

This was a disaster.

I hurried to spread out my bedroll and lay down, trying to

make myself as small as possible. Rylan stretched out on his side

next to me, making an obvious effort to stay on the far edge of his

bedroll, pressing his body right up into the fabric of the tent. But

it didn’t matter; the space was so small, we were still only separated by a foot at most. I scooted away from him a bit, trying to give him

more space. But then Damian lay down on the extra bedroll he’d

managed to find, and the entire lengths of our bodies were sud-

denly touching. Something deep inside of me responded to the

feel of him against me and though I knew I should move away, I

didn’t. My stomach tightened with awareness of every part of us

that connected — his arm against my arm, his leg against my leg.

If I turned my face, would our lips touch?

My heart racing, I shifted my body away, to the direct center

of my mat, lying f lat on my back with my arms folded across my

chest, staring up at the top of the tent.

“Alex,” Damian spoke, his voice low.

Hesitantly, I turned my head toward him. Even though I’d

moved, his face was still so close to mine that my breath caught in

182

my throat. He stared into my eyes for a moment, looking troubled.

He glanced past me to where Rylan lay with his back turned to us,

then his gaze returned to me. Finally, Damian said, “Thank you

for saving my life today.”

I swallowed once, trying not to get lost in the depths of his

blue eyes. “You saved me, as well.”

Damian’s gaze didn’t waver from mine. “Yes. I did.”

I could feel his warm breath on my lips, and my whole body

hummed with a strange kind of energy. Of . . . of . . .
something
. I didn’t know what. But I was also so aware of Rylan lying behind

me, listening to every word. I felt like a bowstring pulled so taut, I might break with any more pressure. “Why didn’t you tell me you

knew how to fight?” I couldn’t keep the hurt from my voice.

Damian hesitantly lifted his hand; his fingers trailed across my

jaw. “It was necessary to keep it a secret. I wasn’t planning on revealing myself, but when I saw that soldier rushing toward you . . .” His thumb brushed my parted lips and his gaze dropped to my mouth.

I couldn’t breathe. I wanted him to keep touching me; I

wanted to feel his whole body against mine again. But Rylan was

here. Rylan was listening. Rylan, who had cared for me all along.

“Thank you,” I said, my voice unsteady, and somehow I made

myself move and turn away from his touch to stare at the tent

again, my heart hammering. Rylan’s back was still turned to me,

but I could see how stiff he was, as if every muscle in his body was

clenched.

“I hope you are able to rest well, Alex,” Damian said.

“You, too,” I said, making myself close my eyes, to pretend I

was going to sleep. But inside, I thought,
Rest well? Is he serious?

It was going to be a long night.

183



I was shocked when the sound of a bird somewhere close by woke me

up, just before dawn. Somehow, I’d managed to drift off after hours

of hardly daring to breathe, let alone move. I’d ended up on my side, facing Rylan. He’d also rolled over in his sleep, and his arm rested

against mine. His mouth was slightly parted in sleep, his face relaxed.

His jaw was obscured by the ever-thickening stubble on his face.

I could feel Damian on the other side of me as well. I turned

to look and saw that he was on his stomach, his arm and leg only

inches from me, his head turned toward me. He, too, had over a

week’s worth of stubble. His face was completely relaxed; the

tightness that nearly always lingered around the corners of his

mouth and eyes was gone. He looked much younger when he was

asleep. Watching him made my heart pick up speed. I found myself

blushing when, just for a moment, I imagined what it would feel

like to have his lips touch mine. Before I remembered what Rylan

had said to me the night before.

Why was I even letting myself think about touching — or

kissing — the prince? I could never be his queen. It was foolish

and stupid to even let myself dream of kissing him. It wasn’t like I

could suddenly throw on a dress and hope he would court me. My

life depended on continuing to maintain the pretense of being a

boy, if we ever made it back to the palace.

But maybe you won’t
, another voice inside me responded.

Maybe you won’t ever make it back, and this will be your only chance
to feel like a girl. To kiss a boy. And not just any boy. To kiss a
prince
.

And then I wanted to smack myself. Tanoori was right. I
was

a harlot.

184

Moving as slowly as possible, trying to be completely silent, I

inched my way over to the f laps. I had to get out of the tent before either of them woke up.

When I finally made it out into the muggy morning air and the

gray light of yet another dawn in the jungle, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. I headed for Lisbet’s tent, nodding at the few men who were already up, preparing our meager breakfast

before we broke camp and moved out. I noticed Eljin standing by a

larger tent, in deep discussion with two other men, and I picked up

my pace, not wanting to have another encounter with him.

Jax was already digging in the dirt outside his mother’s tent

with a stick as I approached, but when he saw me, he jumped up

and ran to give me a hug.

I awkwardly hugged him back, surprised by the gesture.

“I’m glad you didn’t die yesterday,” he said, as he pulled away

and looked up at me. He had beautiful blue eyes, nothing like

Lisbet’s. I wondered where his father was —
who
his father was. I wondered why Lisbet was with us at all. So many unanswered

questions. It made my head hurt.

“I wasn’t going to die. Who told you that?”

“No one. I was watching from the trees where Mama told me

to hide.” He scuffed his foot against the dirt. “I saw Damian save

you. Mama said he exposed his secret because he cared too much

about you to let you die. She said love can either make a person

stronger or weaker, and she hasn’t decided if he’s getting stronger

or weaker yet.”

I stared down at Jax with my heart in my throat. There was

something familiar about the way he looked at me in that moment,

in the way his eyes pierced mine even though he was only a child.

185

“I . . . I . . . ah . . .”

“Jax.” Lisbet parted the opening to the tent, saving me from

having to answer. “Run along and find us some breakfast before

we have to pack up to go again.”

“Yes, Mama.” He lifted his eyebrows at me, then turned on his

heel and dashed off.

Lisbet’s arms were folded across her chest as she gazed at me,

her dark eyes guarded in the growing light as the sun slowly woke

up behind us.

“You knew about Prince Damian’s secret?” I finally asked.

“You knew he could fight?”

She didn’t respond.

“How? How do you know him? Why are you here with us and

what do they want with him?”

Her eyes narrowed. I felt like she was trying to search me with

the intensity of her gaze. “Did you come to see how Tanoori is?”

she responded at last, parting the tent f laps again.

Frustrated, I followed her in to see Tanoori lying on the

ground, still pale, with a sheen of sweat on her face and chest.

“Why does she still look so . . . sick?”

Lisbet knelt down and wiped a damp cloth across Tanoori’s

forehead. “Healing is a very difficult and draining type of sorcery.

I used up much of my strength healing you and Rylan, and I’m

weary from this journey. And as I said, the bloodroot still isn’t

completely out of my system. I’m doing all that I can for her, but I

don’t know if it will be enough.”

“Isn’t bloodroot used to treat wounds? Why would it have

anything to do with your ability to heal her?”

186

Lisbet shook her head sadly. “The people of Antion are regret-

fully ignorant of many things.”

I glared at her in consternation, about to demand she give me

a real answer when she continued, “Yes, it can be used to help

staunch the f low of blood in a wound. But when bloodroot is

ingested by a sorcerer, it suppresses their magical abilities. I took it for quite some time to protect myself while in Antion.”

“So you
are
a sorceress. I knew it.” Was the bloodroot Damian had me gather meant for her? They certainly seemed to know each

other — and yet, I wondered how.

Lisbet gave me a sharp look. “There are all sorts of magic in

this world. You would do well to learn that.”

“I don’t agree with the king,” I said quickly. “I don’t think
all
sorcery is evil.” Most of it, yes. But not all. How could it be, when the only reason I was still alive was because of a sorceress just like Lisbet?

“Then maybe you’re smarter than he is. But don’t underesti-

mate him — and don’t believe everything you hear. No matter the

source.”

“Do you always talk in riddles?” I sat down on the other side

of Tanoori, across from Lisbet, and took the rag so I could wipe it

across Tanoori’s feverish brow.

Lisbet laughed once, a mirthless sound. “No. I didn’t use to.

But I’ve had to learn some tricks over the years to keep myself safe.”

I paused to look up at her again. “How do you know Damian?”

She gave me a sharp look. “I believe you are discovering a new

side to him, are you not?”

I rolled my eyes at her nonanswer but nodded.

187

“He looks at you differently, Alexa. He risked himself —

exposed
himself — for you. He is a powerful man, with the weight of a nation on his shoulders. He can’t afford to make mistakes

because of his feelings for a pretty face.”

“Are you saying saving me was a mistake?”

Lisbet remained silent.

“Well, then you have nothing to worry about, because I don’t

have a pretty face. Nearly everyone, except Damian, thinks I am a

boy
.” I dunked the rag in a bowl of tepid water and squeezed it out with unnecessary force.

Lisbet watched me shrewdly. “We all see what we want to.

People believe you are a boy, because that’s what they’ve been told.

They reason away why you look so much more feminine than your

brother did. You are an expert swordsman and practically unstop-

pable with a bow —”

“How do you know about my brother?” I cut her off. I could

feel my temper rising, and I struggled to keep it in check. I hated

unanswered questions, and she was refusing to explain anything.

“Your time to keep your secret is growing short.” Lisbet

ignored me. “No hair will ever mar the skin of your face. Your

body has changed, has become that of a woman’s. What will you

do when you are unable to keep up your pretense any longer?”

I glared at her, angry at her astute observations. “I’m not

answering your questions unless you answer mine.”

“What’s going on here?”