Defy (25 page)

friend for the last three years, and since he died, you’ve been my

only
friend. I don’t want to lose you.”

For the first time since his confession, Rylan’s expression soft-

ened a little. “I don’t
hate
you, Alex. And I’m not mad at you. I’m
worried
about you. And I’m suspicious of the prince.”

“Why?”

Rylan looked down at me silently for a moment, debating.

“I’m not sure what his . . . intentions are,” he said slowly, his voice careful. “I’m afraid he’s using you for some reason, and I don’t

want you to get hurt. But mostly, I’m mad at myself,” he rushed on

when I tried to break in. “I was a fool not to tell you how I felt the moment you discovered I knew. I waited and I lost my chance.”

My heart skipped a beat. “Please don’t say that.”

He shook his head and turned away, looking out across the

land toward Blevon. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to all

of us. I feel like more is going on than we understand, but I can’t

figure out what. Prince Damian doesn’t act like someone who’s

worried for his life. But apparently, he is a very good actor, so who knows.”

“I don’t know, either.”

We were silent for a moment.

“I
am
sorry, Rylan. I’m sorry about
all
of this. If I’d been better, faster, maybe none of this would have happened. I would have

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stopped Eljin and we’d still be safe at the palace.” I moved to stand beside him, gazing at the lush, green beauty of the lowlands.

“It’s not your fault. No one could have stopped him — no

natural man. Or woman,” he added, glancing sideways at me.

“Not if what Damian said is true.”

Rylan sighed and we fell silent again, both lost in thought as

the sun slowly descended, shooting fiery fingers of red, orange, and

yellow across the sky in one last salute before sinking out of sight.

Finally, I turned to face Rylan. “You don’t have to worry

about me getting hurt — I promise. I know it can’t go anywhere.

I know —”

He looked down at me, his expression inscrutable in the fall-

ing darkness. He took a step closer; I could have touched him if I

moved even an inch. I felt off balance, strangely light-headed as

I looked at him. If nothing had happened with Damian, falling for

Rylan would have been as easy as breathing. I almost reached

for him — to do what, I had no idea — but then he abruptly

turned away.

“We should get some rest. It’s going to be another long day.”

Without another glance at me, he strode off toward the grouping

of tents.

I watched him walk away, but I didn’t move. My heart still

beat unevenly and my hands felt strangely clammy. I could see

Damian standing near Eljin. They appeared to be in a heated dis-

cussion but I was too far away to be certain. As I watched, Damian

shook his head, then turned and walked away. Before he reached

the tents, he glanced up to where I stood and paused, looking first

at me, then at Rylan, who was marching back to camp.

With a heavy sigh, I made myself follow him.

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

That night, long after Rylan’s breathing had grown deep and even,

I lay awake, staring up at the ceiling of the tent. I was almost positive Damian was still awake, too, but I didn’t dare turn and look.

When he took my hand in his, I breathed in sharply. He wove

his fingers between mine, and rubbed his thumb across the palm

of my hand, sending spirals of need up my arm, which spread

throughout my body, making my heart thud in my chest.

“Damian,” I whispered unsteadily, attempting to take my

mind off my sudden, urgent desire to turn and let him kiss me into

oblivion, “was the bloodroot you had me gather for Lisbet? How

do you know her?” I’d told Rylan that I wasn’t going to let myself

get hurt, but I wasn’t sure if it was a promise I could keep.

“You don’t want to talk about Lisbet right now, do you?” His

thumb moved up to brush across the sensitive skin on the inside of

my wrist.

“I want to understand what’s going on. I want to know what

they intend to do to you.” My words came out breathy, and a blush

rose in my cheeks. I was grateful it was dark.

“Eljin and his men?” Damian responded, his voice low and

close to my ear.

I nodded. His thumb had moved back to stroke the palm of

my hand and I found it hard to breathe normally.

“They’re taking me to someone who wishes to use me to put

an end to the war.”

“How? Are they going to ask for ransom?”

“Not if they know my father at all. He’d never pay it. He’s

probably quite glad to be rid of me, truth be told.”

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I finally turned my head to look at him. He lay on his side,

watching me, his face so close, I could feel his breath on my lips.

In the darkness, it was hard to read his expression. “What is it you

think they’re going to do, then?”

“I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.” His gaze dropped to

my mouth and my stomach tightened, remembering the way he’d

kissed me in the jungle, the feel of his mouth on mine, of his teeth

grazing my collarbone. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe as he

looked back up into my eyes. “But I won’t let any harm come to

you, I promise.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one saying that to you?” I asked, my voice

shaky. Damian laughed quietly, a low sound that thrummed

through my body. He let go of my hand, and trailed his fingers up

my arm, my shoulder, my neck. I trembled beneath his touch, ach-

ing to feel his mouth against mine again. He gently pushed his

hand into my hair, pulling me toward him, closing the gap until

finally,
finally
our lips met, brushing in the darkness. Fire rushed over my skin, urging me closer to him.

Rylan muttered something unintelligible in his sleep and

Damian jerked back, leaving me suddenly cold and shocked to

realize I’d completely forgotten we weren’t alone.

“We’d better try to get some sleep,” he said.

One minute, he was making me burn from his touch and the

next, he wanted me to go to sleep? Then I realized he was smirking

at me. “Thanks a lot,” I replied, trying to glare at him but not

quite succeeding.

“Sweet dreams,” he said and then closed his eyes, appearing to

be completely relaxed.

I was almost positive he was teasing me, but couldn’t quite

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believe it. The Damian I’d known didn’t tease. He didn’t laugh

and carry young boys on his shoulders and kiss me and tell me he

needed me — that it had always been me.

But this Damian did. And I realized that despite my promise

to Rylan, I was in danger of getting my heart broken by this Damian.

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 twenty-eight 

T
here was no definitive sign that we’d left our nation

behind the first day that our journey took us out of Antion.

But as the days passed, the lush green of Antion began to subtly

merge with a more arid landscape. On the horizon, I could see

sharp cliffs rising out of the increasingly barren land.

We still carried Tanoori, as her condition hadn’t improved.

Lisbet had dark circles under her eyes, and her cheeks were sunken

in. In the past three days, the gray streaks in her hair seemed to

have grown and her shoulders had begun to stoop forward. She

could no longer help shoulder the stretcher, and Eljin had finally

broken down and ordered another of his men to help. She walked

alongside us instead, holding Jax’s hand, while he continually

looked up at his mother in concern.

I also noticed Damian watching her. He kept his face impas-

sive, but I knew him well enough now to notice the worry lurking

in his eyes. He cared for Lisbet for some reason. But I didn’t dare

ask why, afraid he wouldn’t answer my question yet again, making

it harder for me to trust him.

I
wanted
to trust him, but I knew he was holding pieces of

himself back from me. He never did tell me what his message to

the Insurgi had been, or when he’d learned to swordfight — and

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with whom. He hadn’t even told me how he’d figured out I was a

girl. We hadn’t had another moment alone, though, except at

night when we both tried to ignore the fact that we were lying

inches away from each other, since Rylan was in the same tent with

us. Maybe he was just waiting for real privacy. At least that’s what

I tried to convince myself.

And though Rylan no longer looked at me with the cold anger

that had been so hard to bear, he didn’t reach out to me the way

he used to. Sometimes, when I looked at him, my heart still

skipped a beat and I couldn’t help but wonder what would have

happened between us if circumstances had been different.

Every night, I had to lie between the two of them, feeling like

I was being torn apart inside. I wondered how dark the circles

under my own eyes were.

When we stopped for the night, Eljin came over to where we

were setting up our tent.

“Tomorrow, we arrive. You will all be bound to keep you from

making a spectacle of yourselves. I have been merciful in allowing

you to travel so freely, but that time is over.”

“What about Tanoori? How will we carry her if our hands are

tied?” Rylan asked.

Above his mask, Eljin’s eyes were unreadable in the dusky

light. “I will have to use some of my men to carry her.” By the tone

of his voice, it was apparent that he was extremely displeased.

“Thank you,” I said anyway, grateful for his offer to help, no

matter how unwilling.

“You should take care to lower your voice. You sound like a

girl these days,” he said and then he walked away.

I stared at him with my jaw hanging open. Had I begun to

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act like a girl — to talk like one? I didn’t think so — I’d carried Tanoori with three other men without complaining once for days.

I helped set up the tent, I took it down, I did everything every

other man here did.

“Don’t worry about him. He’s just antsy to be done with us, I

think.” Rylan nudged my shoulder with his as he passed me to go

start the campfire.

I shrugged but didn’t respond. I hadn’t realized Eljin knew I

was a girl. Maybe I
was
revealing myself. Lisbet had told me to keep up the pretense, but why? So that these men wouldn’t know?

I didn’t see why it mattered if they did or not. Death probably

awaited me wherever we were going anyway. Maybe it would be

nice to die as my true self.

I walked over to Lisbet’s tent and quietly parted the f laps.

Damian knelt next to Lisbet, holding her hand in both of his.

Tanoori lay motionless and unconscious on the ground next to

them. I watched for only a moment, but the tenderness with which

he looked at Lisbet and held her hand made me ache. I silently let

the f lap fall back into place and backed away.

He looked at her with love on his face, the way a son would

look at his mother.

I wanted to
know
him. I wanted him to trust me, the way he

asked me to trust him. I wanted him to tell me
all
of his secrets.

Not just the ones he was forced to reveal, piece by piece. But his

feelings for me were obviously not enough to make him willing to

trust me with the whole truth.

“Alex, can I talk to you?”

I was startled to realize I had wandered a little way away from

camp, and that Rylan had followed me.

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“Of course. Sorry, I was lost in thought.” I stopped and waited

for him to catch up to me.

Our camp was nestled in between two groves of trees —

different trees from what I’d ever seen before. Lisbet had told

us some were called pine trees and some were called quaking

aspens because they appeared to shake when the wind blew. The

grass here was thinner, almost yellowish, compared to the deep,

verdant green of Antion. But the air was also a bit cooler, thinner.

I wasn’t coated in sweat just from walking this short distance like I would have been in the jungle.

Rylan gestured for me to follow him as he strode farther into

the cover of the trees, away from camp.

“What if Eljin notices we’re gone?” I asked as I followed him

out of sight.

“I don’t care. I don’t know what’s waiting for us tomorrow

and I’m not going to waste what might be my last chance to really

talk to you.” He stopped and turned to me.

“What do you mean?” He wasn’t as tall as Damian, but I still

had to tilt my head up to meet his eyes when he moved closer.

“Rylan?”

“I’m not going to let you go, to possibly face our deaths, with-

out a fight,” he said, reaching up to brush my cheek with the back

of his hand. He looked down at me with a look of such raw longing

that my heart constricted. But not in the way it did when Damian

touched me. When Damian was close to me, my heart raced. And

I could hardly breathe for the desire coursing through me when

Damian touched me.

As Rylan stared into my eyes, waiting for me, I felt differ-

ent from what I did with Damian. Rylan’s touch filled me with

205

warmth and comfort. But I didn’t want him the way I wanted

Damian.