“I really do.”
“Thank you, Gabriel.” He had a way of making her feel so good. She clamped a hand on her hat as a gust of wind blew through them. “And thank you for the gift. It was very sweet.”
The simple words seemed inadequate, so she touched his shoulder, stood on tiptoes and kissed him. It was just a flicker of a contact, hardly a kiss at all, but it was enough to smell the salty air on his skin, enough to feel the warmth of his mouth. Enough to hear his soft intake of breath.
She pulled back to see his reaction. His eyes were narrowed, his jaw set. He didn’t make a move toward her, didn’t suggest in any way that they continue the kiss, but she felt herself leaning forward, drawn in by his eyes.
Still holding on to her hat with one hand, her other hand resting lightly on his shoulder, she leaned in and met his lips for another brief kiss. But this time she didn’t pull completely away. She stayed close enough to feel his warm breath tickling the sensitive skin of her mouth.
Louisa knew she should step back and continue gathering up their things, but she desperately wanted to feel his mouth against hers again, if only for a moment.
Her eyes were closed, so she didn’t see him move. But the tingle on her lips told her he was going to kiss her.
Gabe’s mouth closed softly over hers. Her heart pounded in her chest and the blood raced through her veins to shift her pulse points into high gear. Her body reacted to him with even this chaste little kiss, she thought dimly. She flicked her tongue out, just wanting to see how he tasted, to imprint it into her memory so she’d never forget.
He must have taken her move as an invitation, because suddenly he persuaded her lips further open, his tongue pressing in to taste her, thrill her. She held her breath as he slowly explored every part of her mouth, his tongue gliding over her teeth then softly licking and nibbling at her lower lip.
It was a gentle, slow kiss, but all empowering in its intensity. Louisa’s hand fell from her hat to dangle helplessly at her side. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, wanted to feel his arms around her, but she was powerless to move. Except for where her fingers grazed the top of his shoulder, their bodies didn’t touch. But they might as well have been pressed tightly together from the way her skin burned.
The wind blew onto their flushed faces as they kissed, a stronger gust coming up from the water to nudge the hat from her head.
The spell was broken.
Louisa retreated a step, watching as Gabe somehow managed to catch the hat before it blew away.
Wordlessly, he handed it to her. She pulled it firmly down on top of her curls, keeping her eyes lowered. She finally glanced up at him, her lips quivering from his kiss.
She knew she must have a medley of emotions dancing through her eyes. From the way he looked at her, she figured he must see her uncertainty.
“Lou.” He brushed a finger along her jaw-line. “Just consider that a kiss between old friends. Nothing more. Okay?”
Is that all she wanted it to be? She nodded and forced a smile.
“Shall we head back?”
Her cheeks burned. “I’ll meet you up in the park,” she said. “I’d, uh, like to stay down here a few more minutes if you don’t mind.”
She was pretty sure they both needed to compose themselves. And she needed to do her best to erase thoughts of his delicious mouth from her mind and heart.
Gabe grabbed their things and started up the path, leaving her alone.
Chapter Fourteen
After staring out over the water for countless minutes, trying to catch her breath, Louisa headed up into the park.
The beautiful grounds were filled with people now, everyone out enjoying the balmy weather on this holiday weekend. Families, picnics, Frisbees, children . . . As if on cue, a delighted shriek floated down from the play area, drawing Louisa toward it like a magnet.
She rounded a giant rhododendron, her fingers flitting over the flowerless branches, and was greeted by swings, monkey bars, and slides. All full of children. Happy children.
Her step was slow as she climbed the hill. She loved watching kids play. They were so carefree, so innocent. So . . . alive. With a deep, shuddering breath, she headed toward a dark green glider swing in view of the play area.
Placing the tote at her side, she pushed the swing into a gentle glide using the plank at her feet, letting the rhythmic motion soothe her taut nerves. A little girl ran past the swing, laughing and screaming as a boy chased after her. She scurried onto the monkey bars in an obvious attempt to get away, but the boy was relentless. He caught her at the top and gave her a big smacking kiss on the cheek. The girl shrieked and wiped her face with the back of her hand, calling out, “Mommy, he kissed me! Tell him to stop it!” The little boy laughed and climbed down to find another conquest.
Louisa smiled through blurry eyes at the boy’s antics, realizing he was about the age Joey would be now. A tear spilled onto her cheek, rolling unaided until it dropped onto the front of her shirt.
The swing moved, and she knew Gabe had joined her without having to look up. She didn’t bother wiping her cheek, figuring he’d probably seen the wetness already.
“I put the things in the car,” he said quietly.
She nodded without glancing his way. He said nothing more, but helped her glide the swing to and fro.
“It’s so unfair,” she whispered, finding her voice. Nodding her head to the boy who fought with another boy over a swing, she said, “Joey would have been about that age. He would have been fighting with other kids, chasing girls and kissing them.” Her eyes full of tears, she glanced at Gabe. “Why did it happen? Why?” The last word came on the edge of a sob.
A dull knife turned sharply in Gabe’s gut as Louisa turned away from him again. What could he say? He’d asked himself the same question for years. He’d asked that question about a lot of things in his life. He feared the pain would never go away.
She cried silently, big tears rolling down her cheeks, her small chin trembling valiantly. The old blame crept up on him, from where it was always hiding just beyond his reach, lingering over his shoulder.
Her hand rested on the glider between them, and he covered it with his. When her shoulders began to shake, he interlaced their fingers and squeezed softly, wanting to comfort her, but unsure what she would accept from him.
When the little boy ran in front of them, laughing and screaming in delight, she covered her face with her free hand, then finally pried her fingers from his grasp and turned her shoulders away. With a heavy heart, he watched as she composed herself, coming to grips with her emotions without his help.
He breathed a ragged sigh and stepped off the swing. When she didn’t look over, he walked stiffly away.
****
Gabe was leaving. The knowledge drifted into Louisa’s consciousness as she pulled herself together. She closed her tear-stung eyes.
Gabe was leaving.
She swiveled on the seat and watched him disappear around a hedge, heading toward the park exit. A slow burn raged through her veins, culminating in her clenched fists and shallow breaths.
Grabbing the tote from her side, she jumped from the swing, catching up with him just as he skirted the wrought-iron entrance gate. “Where are you going?” He turned as she grabbed his arm. “Why do you always walk away?”
The sadness and surprise on his face were quickly covered by that impenetrable mask. “You didn’t want me there, Louisa. You needed your space.” His deep voice was cool, controlled. No sign of the emotions hidden deep inside.
“So you left.” The old frustrations slammed her in the chest, and her vision swam behind tears, her breathing ragged and shallow. “Damn you, Gabriel,” she cried softly. “Why can’t you talk to me? You’re closing me off again, just like before.” A sob bubbled in her throat, catching her voice. “Why do you always have to leave?”
He closed his eyes. When he finally opened them, the mask was gone. In its place was an inordinate amount of pain. “Because you’re always pushing me away.”
She opened her mouth to spit a denial, to defend herself, but nothing came out but a startled gasp. When she finally found her voice, all she managed was, “What?”
“Every time I try to comfort you, you push me away.”
“That’s not true!”
His soulful gaze tore at her. “Isn’t it? Last night during the storm, you practically sprinted out of my arms. And just now at the playground, I knew what you were feeling because I feel that way every time I see a child Joey’s age. But you wanted nothing to do with me. It was the same way after the accident.”
She frantically tried to process his words. She’d been pushing
him
away? No. It wasn’t true… She took a calming breath. “I could say the same thing about you, you know. You were so unreachable, you wouldn’t talk to me. You were always gone, spending more time with your precious camera than with me.”
“I know I have a tendency to withdraw into myself when something upsets me, but I’ve always been like that.” He rubbed his eyes. “I’m tired of taking all the blame for this, Louisa. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“All the blame?” she cried. “You
should
take all the blame.
You
left
me
, not the other way around.”
“I would have come back in a heartbeat if you’d asked. Instead, you sent divorce papers.” His voice caught, and he tried to cover it with a cough.
“W-well, I wouldn’t have sent them if you hadn’t left in the first place. Don’t blame this on me, Gabriel. Don’t you dare blame this on me!”
“I’m just saying we were both at fault. We—”
“You left me,” she cried. “You. Left. Me.” She jammed his chest with her index finger to enunciate each word.
Anger flared his nostrils. “Christ, Louisa! You pushed me away long before I physically left.” Just as suddenly as it flared up, the angry spark extinguished. He stared at the ground and sighed. “I could have left months earlier and you’d never have noticed.” His voice was flat, all trace of emotion erased.
Shock widened her eyes and tears pooled in her lower lids. “You’re wrong, Gabriel. I don’t care what you say. You’re wrong. I loved you. You left me.”
He took a deep breath. “You’re right. I did. And I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, if that makes you feel any better.”
It didn’t. She felt awful. Like she was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and swung away from him. She needed to be alone. She needed time to think. A shaky sigh and she turned around. “Gabriel, I need to—”
She’d gotten her wish. She was alone. He’d left again.
****
Louisa stopped at Smith House just long enough to drop off the tote bag, change her shoes and grab her purse. As she stepped outside again, she scanned the street for Gabe, Sarah or Arty, but didn’t see any of them. That was good, because she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.
She hoped the walk into town would clear her head. Gabe said she’d pushed him away, suggesting she had turned her back on their marriage as much as he had.
Her first impulse had been to think he was being cruel, because he felt guilty about leaving her. But Gabe never said anything he didn’t mean. As far as she knew, he’d never said anything out of anger that he’d later retracted.
She, on the other hand, didn’t have such control. She’d been quick to toss the blame back into his face, flinging accusations at him and rejecting his comments and insights.
The activity from Water Street filled her ears as she neared the downtown. Every available parking space was filled for blocks. Up on the hill had been quiet and peaceful, just a sleepy little neighborhood in a sleepy little town. But down here were tourists galore. It was a balm to her agitated soul. She wandered through the throng, in and out of crowded shops, hoping the hustle and bustle of this thriving tourist town could settle the uneasy feeling inside her.
She hadn’t pushed Gabe away, had she? If she had, it was only because he’d pushed her away first. Hadn’t he?
She sorted through some beautiful Native American jewelry that she’d noticed earlier, usually a fascination of hers, without really seeing the intricate silver and turquoise patterns. Sure, she’d spent a lot of time with her family after the accident, but that was only because Gabe had been gone so much.
Burdened with a sudden headache, she left the shop to rifle through her purse, using the sunshine to see into the deep satchel. Remembering she’d used up her last aspirin, she headed down the main street toward a drugstore she’d passed.
After buying a bottle of Bayer and a licorice rope, she wandered next door to an antique mall. The clerk waved a greeting from behind the counter. Louisa did a double take. With his wavy long hair pulled into a low ponytail and his lean good looks, the boy reminded her of Gabe in his younger days. Not that the features were so similar, but it was the determination in the eyes mixed with a generous amount of shyness. In Gabe’s case, it had also been mixed with a lot of wariness. Too much wariness for a world that had let him down and deserted him more than once.
The poor kid looked flustered and ill-at-ease, and Louisa realized she was staring. “Sorry,” she coughed out. “You look like someone I used to know.” She hurried out of the store, embarrassed.
She crossed the parking lot that edged the water. Sitting down on a concrete ledge, she peered out across Port Townsend Bay. She shook out a couple of aspirin, then sputtered and choked as she swallowed them dry.
When she’d first met Gabe, he’d been wary of her, expecting she’d turn him in for using the college darkroom when he really had no business being there. But she’d had no intention of turning him in to school authorities. Something about him had stirred her deep within. She’d started hanging out with him because she thought he needed a friend.