Then she pictured herself saying good-bye to Gabe for the last time. Her stomach churned painfully. That thought wasn’t any less disturbing.
Sighing, she leaned back in her seat. She wished Gram’s birthday party wasn’t this afternoon. She’d barely have time to change clothes before the guests started arriving at her parents’ house. The last thing she felt like doing today was socializing.
The driver’s side door opened, and Gabe climbed in, handing her a Starbucks coffee. Steam escaped from the little hole in the plastic lid.
“You were a million miles away just now,” he said quietly.
She sipped her drink, focusing on the back window of the pickup truck in front of them. The hot coffee burned the roof of her mouth. She opened her mouth and breathed in some cool air. “Last night you said you’ve been grieving for me,” she whispered. “You told me you love me, that you’ve always loved me.”
“I do love you, Louisa. Don’t doubt that.”
She rubbed her finger around the rim of the lid, smudging the lipstick stain. “I don’t, but—Well, maybe I do. I mean, I believe that you love me, but…”
“But?” He set his coffee in the cup holder.
She wrapped both hands around the warm cardboard, peering at him from over the top. “How could I be certain you wouldn’t just leave again when things got tough?”
Gabe closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. “Hopefully we’d never be faced with such a tragedy again, but…” He breathed out. “If you decided to take a chance with me again, I would know without a doubt that you truly loved me. Because choosing me would be going against your parents in a big way. I know how much their opinion means to—”
He held up a hand when she started to interrupt. “I may not completely understand that, but I have to respect it. If you chose me, it would mean you’ve thought through the battle you’d have with them. You would realize it wouldn’t be easy, but you would be willing to do it, because you loved me and wanted to be with me.”
He reached for her hand. “And I would be different, too. I would tell you every day that I loved you, so there would never be any doubt, unlike before. I can’t promise I won’t have moments when I need to be alone, but I do promise you’d know it wasn’t due to my lack of love for you. I’m a different man than I was five years ago, Louisa. I’m sober and am confident I’ll remain that way. I didn’t have that confidence before.”
He lifted her hand and kissed her fingers. “Let me tell you how I envision our life together. I see us getting married right away and then in the fall when school starts, moving back to Chicago. You’d love it there with all the culture and art. I see us buying a great old house in one of the suburbs and we’d each have a studio for our work. You could be a full-time artist, Lou. Just like you’ve dreamed.” His eyes grew dark and more intense, if that were even possible. “And I see us having a house full of children. As many as you wanted. I see you sitting on the front porch swing, nursing our babies and singing softly to them. It’s all very clear to me. I can see us as a family again. You, me, and our kids.”
Tears streamed down her face, and Gabe swiped them away with gentle fingers. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so verbose. She sniffled. “That all sounds beautiful, Gabriel,” she said softly. “And I would love to believe it would all be like you said, yet—”
“Yet?” he prodded, his gaze not leaving her face.
Her hands twisted in her lap. “I’m just feeling a little…overwhelmed by everything. You and I have come so far, and this weekend was wonderful.” She gave him a small smile, not really knowing how to continue the thought. She rubbed the white band of skin where her ring used to be.
“But?”
“This is all happening so fast. Two weeks ago I had the rest of my life planned out. I was going to marry Evan, move into his place, hopefully become art director…”
She sipped her coffee. It was still scorching hot. “Now, all of a sudden, you have me thinking about moving half-way across the country, of tossing aside my career to pursue my art, of having children again, of…being with you. The balance I’ve achieved in my life is gone. And to tell you the truth, it scares me to death.”
“Nobody’s pushing you to make any decisions right now.”
“The minute Evan sees me, he’ll be hounding me for my decision.” Actually, he’d be hounding her to know what happened between her and Gabe. After he found out the truth, all bets were off. She groaned and pressed fingers to her temples again.
“I know this isn’t easy for you, Louisa.”
“It’s not easy at all,” she agreed, glancing over at him. “Why is it so easy for you? I’m not the only one who suffered these past five years. I was unfair to you, too.”
He shrugged. “I don’t want to point fingers anymore. It’s all in the past. My only concern is the future. I have to be honest with you, it’s difficult for me to comprehend a future without you in it.” He sighed loudly and reached for his coffee. “But I know that sometimes love is not enough.” He drank.
Louisa swirled her cup around, the liquid sloshing against the sides. “You think my parents are the big obstacle here, don’t you? Even more so than Evan.”
“We never had a problem getting along and working through problems when we were alone. Remember how good things were when we lived at school? But after we moved to Seattle and were near your family, things started to change between us.”
“Only because you were seeing things that weren’t there. Maybe you just weren’t used to having such a big family, I don’t know, but I felt like you wanted me to choose between you and them. In fact, you’re
still
asking me to choose, and I don’t think it’s fair. Like it or not, they’re a big part of my life.”
Gabe stared straight ahead for a long time. The ferry horn blew, signaling the approach to the docks in Seattle. “I’m not asking you to choose, Lou,” he said. “I just—” A mask slid into place over his features, suggesting he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Look. Let’s just get you home. You’ll see Evan and your parents at the party. I imagine you’ll know right away how you feel.”
****
Louisa stole glances at Gabe throughout the short drive from downtown Seattle to her place on Queen Anne Hill. They hadn’t spoken since the ferry. He wasn’t going to pressure her. The decision was hers to make.
He was probably right. She’d know how she felt about everything when she saw Evan and her parents again.
When the car finally pulled into the alley beside her little home, she thought for an instant he would drive off without another word or even a good-bye. As the car idled, neither of them spoke. Finally, he touched her arm. When she turned to him, he gave a shaky sigh and pulled her into his arms for a sweet, searching kiss.
“My flight leaves on Wednesday,” he said, pushing her away and staring into her eyes for a long moment. “You know where I’m staying until then.”
“You—you’re leaving?” Her voice trembled softly.
“I just got a voicemail from my editor. They’re sending me on an assignment to Japan to cover the rebuilding over there.”
“For how long?”
He shrugged. “It’s open ended at this point.”
“And…after that? You’ll come back to Seattle?”
It was a long time before he answered her, his eyes staring straight ahead into the alley. “I don’t know yet.”
Meaning, his decision depended upon
her
decision. Louisa closed her eyes. She had only three days to make the most important decision of her life. “Oh my,” she whispered. “You told me I was under no pressure.” She laughed, the sound nervous rather than amused.
His expression softened and he trailed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. “Listen to your heart, Louisa. And whatever your decision, I love you.”
I love you, too.
She peered hopelessly into his eyes. Why couldn’t she
say
it?
****
Louisa fastened the slim gold watch around her wrist, glancing at the Roman numerals on the delicate face. The birthday guests would arrive any minute now. The crunch of gravel under tires and the slamming of car doors from the street sounded in front of the house. “Speak of the devils…”
She lifted her hair off her neck and into a loose twist, pulling it off her neck. She hadn’t had a moment to relax or think since getting back. Within five minutes of Gabe leaving, her mom had been pounding on the door, insisting she help with last minute preparations.
She really wasn’t in the mood to be social and cheery right now. And she certainly wasn’t ready to see Evan.
Sighing, she sat on the daybed to slip on white ballerina flats. She peeked through lacy curtains to the main house. Guests mingled in the dining room and family room. Her great Aunt Elna saw her and waved.
Louisa raised her hand in a weak-hearted greeting. She’d never really paid attention to how close her apartment was to the house.
She rose and propped her hands on her hips, turning slowly in a circle as she surveyed the apartment. The walls closed in on her, squeezing the life from her. She hugged herself, although she wasn’t cold. This place had been a haven for a while after the divorce. She’d needed the security of having her parents nearby. But it was time to move on. How could she not have seen it before? She didn’t even have room for all her possessions—most of her things were boxed up in her parents’ attic. No room here for her drafting table—
She couldn’t help smiling a little. Gabe definitely had her thinking about her art again. If she moved that bookcase closer to the other one, could her drafting table fit—she sighed. It wasn’t just her drafting table that didn’t fit in here. It was her. This place had been great for a while—no rent, convenient to her work, washer and dryer just across the lawn in the main house, not to mention free meals.
Laughter and music traveled over the breeze from the main house. She straightened her shoulders. It was time to face the music.
Her hand was on the doorknob when she remembered her ring. Evan had insisted on keeping their separation a secret. She flipped open her small jewelry box, not wanting to create a stir by having to explain why she wasn’t wearing her engagement ring.
As she slipped it onto her finger, she noticed the velvet pouch tucked back into the corner. She pulled it out and shook Gabe’s ring into her palm. The small diamond and white gold glimmered in the light. She took off Evan’s ring and slid Gabe’s into its place. She held her hand in front of her face, twisting it this way and that, as if a simple piece of jewelry could make this decision for her. As if one or the other would feel right.
She was tempted to wear Gabe’s ring on her right hand, thinking no one would notice. But her mother would. It would be the
first
thing she’d notice. With a sigh, Louisa put Gabe’s ring back into its velvet pouch and slipped Evan’s back on.
****
Louisa hadn’t taken ten steps through the back door of her parents’ house and already she was tired of hugging people. She reprimanded herself and forced a polite smile as she made her way through the rooms. Why was she so cynical? Usually, she enjoyed her mother’s parties.
Scanning the living room, where most of the guests gathered, she looked for Evan, anxious to see him. She breathed a small sigh of relief when she couldn’t find him. Why was she so nervous? He was her fiancé for goodness sake—well,
ex
-fiancé. A man she wasn’t sure she wanted to spend her life with anymore...
Yup
. She was nervous all right. She swallowed hard and searched the crowded rooms for Sarah. She could really use a good talk with her best friend right now.
She didn’t see the newlyweds but spotted the guest of honor sitting on the brocade couch in the bay window, not even bothering to hide her disdain at all the hoopla.
“Hey, Gram,” Louisa said, giving her grandmother a kiss on the cheek before sitting beside her. “Happy birthday.”
Gram waved her hand at the room. “I told your mother I wanted a cozy little get-together for my birthday. Does this look cozy to you? There are more people here than’ll be at my funeral some day, mark my words.”
A few nearby guests glanced their way, overhearing the remark. Instead of looking offended, they just smiled tolerantly at Gram and winked at Louisa, as if to say such a crotchety comment was to be expected from someone her age. Louisa smirked and patted her grandmother’s hand. Gram was probably right. A funeral was one thing, but a Beverly Rhodes party wasn’t to be missed.
“You left your handbag here earlier.” Gram shoved the leather purse into her hands. “If things are out of order it’s because I dug through it hoping you had some chocolate.” Before Louisa could respond, her grandmother asked, “How was your weekend with the ex? Or should I say,
the conference
as you told your parents.”
Louisa figured the little white lie was easier than telling them where she’d
really
disappeared to these past few days. “Uh, it was fine.” She cleared her throat. “So, Gram, have you seen Sarah and Arty around? Or Evan?”
“Hmm, you asked about your brother and sister-in-law before your fiancé.” Gram gave her a knowing look. “Your mother put Sarah to work somewhere, Arty snuck into the back to watch the Mariners game, and I haven’t seen Evan.” She shifted in her seat. “Your mother’s parties were tolerable when I was younger, but now I find them a complete bore.” She motioned a gnarled hand at the crowd. “If I didn’t know for a fact that this party was going to get a shot in the arm soon, I’d join your brother in the den.”
Louisa was about to ask about the shot-in-the-arm remark when Gram touched her sleeve. “Man your battle stations, or whatever it is they say. You’ve been spotted by the task-master.”
Louisa glanced in the direction Gram nodded and saw her mother glaring at her. “Great,” she muttered. “What do you think my chances are of getting out of this room before she hunts me down?”