Deranged Marriage (17 page)

The jolt of maternal feelings I had threw me off balance. I wasn’t sure if it was my age, or what, but I wanted this baby. It was the one thing I was sure of.

Finally when I emerged from the bathroom, Freddie had not only made lunch, but he’d written the proposal for our work project, the one I was supposed to be writing. I burst into tears again.

‘Don’t you like tuna?’ he joked and I laughed. That was friendship, Freddie was friendship. George wasn’t a friend any more and if I was going to keep my sanity I would have to fight him. I read the proposal while I ate the tuna sandwich and although I changed a couple of things, it was fine.

‘One down, five to go,’ I quipped.

‘We don’t have to,’ Freddie said.

‘We do. You’ve given up your day off to help your ailing boss, when you could have been plotting my downfall and stealing my job.’

‘That would be too easy. You know how much I like a challenge, it’ll be much harder for me to help you keep your job than get you fired.’

I laughed, properly, and put everything apart from work to the back of my mind. The afternoon was much better than the morning. Focusing on work was pure therapy and Freddie and I resumed our usual banter. It was only when all the work was finished that I remembered my condition. And the possible repercussions.

‘I’m going to the doctor first thing Monday. I’ll get there when the surgery opens and wait until someone sees me. Until I know for sure how pregnant I am I want to keep this quiet. Just the two of us. Not Joe, not anyone. OK?’

‘OK. Remember before when I told you that you should tell Joe about George? How I told you the longer you kept it from him the worse it would be?’ I nodded. ‘Well, I agree with you this time. Don’t tell Joe until you’re sure. It’s probably his, after all I’m sure you’ve had sex with him loads of times.’

I smiled. ‘What are you doing tonight?’

‘I’ve got a date but I can cancel if you want.’

‘No, I need some sleep. It’s been a confusing, horrible, scary day. I’m going to sleep now and if I wake later I’ll watch TV or something.’

Freddie grabbed his coat and kissed me goodbye. ‘If you need anything, please call, I mean it Hol, middle of the night, anytime. You call me.’

I had tears swimming in my eyes again as I kissed his cheek then watched him leave. I fell into my bed, determined to shut off my mind, and it was very obliging as I succumbed to sleep almost straight away.

Chapter Sixteen

I was woken by the buzzer on Sunday morning, having slept for what seemed like days. I felt a bit disorientated as I pulled on my bathrobe and answered the intercom to Joe. I shuddered as I let him in, then I went to the bathroom to ensure that the pregnancy tests weren’t lying around. I think Freddie must have disposed of them because there was no sign. I opened the door and found Joe waiting.

‘What took you so long?’ he asked, planting a kiss on my cheek.

‘You woke me, I had to get my bathrobe,’ I lied.

‘Why bother, sleepy head, let’s go back to bed.’

‘No, let’s go and get breakfast, I’m really hungry.’ I believe I sounded normal, but I didn’t feel it, and I didn’t want to go to bed with Joe. There was an awful feeling of distaste at the idea of sex. That wasn’t Joe’s fault, but I felt dirty; angry even. If the baby was Joe’s then I could put the other out of my mind, but if it wasn’t, or if I wasn’t sure...I shuddered at the thought.

‘Are you all right?’ Joe asked, as he followed me into my bedroom and watched me grab some clothes.

‘I’m fine, just got a stomach ache,’ I lied.

‘Women’s problems?’ he asked.

‘Something like that.’

I put on my jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt, an outfit that I wouldn’t normally have worn with Joe here, but it was comfortable. I didn’t know if it was wise to shoehorn myself into my jeans, I didn’t know if it would hurt the baby. I was amazed at such thoughts as they crept into my head like that, but I let them. I was half behaving like I was pleased to be pregnant, or at least accepting it, and half behaving like the person I was before yesterday happened. Not pregnant.

We walked to the cafe and I ordered a full breakfast and a cup of tea.

‘I don’t fancy coffee,’ I explained, although I don’t know why because Joe didn’t bat an eyelid. I was on edge about the way I was behaving, which I don’t think was surprising. Here I was harbouring this huge secret and the more I tried to behave normally, the more I thought I was behaving oddly. I felt rotten for lying, but more rotten for what had happened. I almost wanted to tell Joe, so he would punish me and make me feel even worse. It was all I deserved.

‘Right,’ he smiled at me.

‘Did you have fun last night?’ I asked.

‘Yeah. I had to bite my tongue to stop telling them about us, but I managed. Anyway, they would have laughed at how soft I’ve become, so I had to put on my laddish front, you know leering at girls and stuff.’

‘Never had you down as a leerer,’ I smiled.

‘We talked about beer and football.’

‘Not women then?’

‘Nah.’ Joe was so cute; my stomach did a somersault as I looked at him. ‘I tried to call you but I guess you were asleep. I missed you.’

‘Come on Joe, stop being a girl. I was so tired. My body was catching up on the lack of sleep worrying about the court thing.’

‘But you’re OK?’

‘I’m fine, darling.’

I hated it. As soon as I had woken up a bit, I realised that this was the first time I wished Joe wasn’t with me. Ever since I had first met him I hadn’t felt that, and now, I did. I knew it wasn’t Joe, it was the situation. Me being pregnant, not being able to tell him, not knowing if I would ever be able to tell him that it was his. I was terrified, and I hated lying. I was still hoping that when I went to the doctor I might find out that I wasn’t pregnant, or that it was all a huge nightmare, just as I kept hoping that George would go away prior to the court hearing. But he didn’t, just as I knew that this wouldn’t. I remember thinking my twenties were turbulent, but they had nothing on my thirties, and I’d only been in them for a month.

How I got through the rest of the day, I don’t know. Joe wanted to walk on the common after breakfast and I agreed. I thought the cold air and the exercise would do me good. I concentrated harder than ever on him while he talked, so I could answer him, without giving anything away. He wanted to talk about the wedding, he wanted to discuss the ring, he wanted to chat about details and I joined in as much as I could, because I didn’t know if there would be a wedding, not now. I didn’t know anything any more.

I put Joe off sex by claiming my stomach was hurting. He didn’t protest, he was sympathetic which made me feel worse and he held me as we both went to sleep. I didn’t have the ease I’d had on Saturday because everything I’d pushed away when I was with him came back at me with a vengeance. My mind was in turmoil and sleep was impossible. I lay there feeling his arms around me as if he was stopping me from falling, and I hoped, prayed, that those arms would always be there for me.

*

I was up before Joe on Monday morning, telling him I had an early meeting. I left him getting showered as I walked out of the flat and made my way to the doctors’ surgery. As I sat in the waiting room, having been chastised for not having an appointment, and only being allowed to stay because I burst into tears, I felt very frightened and very alone. My mind flooded back to that day in the judge’s chambers with George. He looked so confident when he walked in, I wanted to hit him, but then when he left he looked so dejected. I hadn’t allowed myself to think of him before now, but suddenly I felt sorry for him. He was alone; he had lost the woman he claimed he loved, and soon I might be in the same position with Joe. I tried to concentrate on a poster about pregnancy to take my mind off how I felt, which was incredibly stupid. Then I looked at a poster for chickenpox that made me cry even more. I picked up a tattered old copy of
Bella
and tried to read it through my tears but every story seemed too sad. Shit, I hope that I don’t have months of this ahead of me, it’s painful to be so horribly emotional. I really didn’t feel comfortable with it.

A voice shouted my name twice before I noticed and I followed the signs to the doctor’s room. I was pleased to see that it was a female doctor, and I sat down determined not to cry.

‘What seems to be the problem?’ she asked. Her manner was quite brusque, she reminded me more of a schoolteacher than a doctor. In fact she looked a bit like one of my old teachers, her head was covered in tight grey curls and she was wearing glasses. She was probably in her late forties although I had no idea, she was stern but at the same time motherly.

‘I think I’m pregnant. I did two tests and they were both positive.’

‘I’d say you were then.’

‘Don’t you want to give me a test?’

‘Not unless you really want one. Those pregnancy tests are very accurate.’

‘I was afraid of that.’

‘You don’t want the baby?’

I told her the whole story, every gory detail. I was waiting for her to call me names and throw me out, or tell me I deserved everything I got, but she softened towards me.

‘There are ways of finding out. Firstly I will make you an appointment for a scan. As you could be so far gone, I’ll get you a quick appointment. Then we need to look at options. Have you considered an abortion?’

‘Isn’t it too late?’ I don’t know why I didn’t just say there was no way I wanted an abortion, but I didn’t.

‘Until we know how pregnant you are I can’t say. I’ll book the scan now.’ I waited while she made a telephone call. Briefly I thought about an abortion. It would mean that Joe would never need know, if it turned out that it might be George’s. It would also mean that George would never know. But was that what I wanted? I had no idea what I wanted.

She managed to get me an appointment for Thursday, and I took the details and thanked her as I left.

‘If you need to talk about things, you can always talk to me,’ she offered kindly. The second person who’d been nice to me about the pregnancy, and the second person who made me cry.

I went to work straight from the surgery and found Freddie immersed in the proposals we’d done over the weekend. He was holding the fort well and I knew he could do my job. I vowed to thank him by speaking to Francesca about putting us on an even keel. That way we could split into two teams, he could head one, me the other. He didn’t give me any knowing looks, or ask any questions, which I was grateful for, until lunchtime when he coaxed me out of the office with the offer of a bowl of pasta.

‘How did it go?’ he asked as soon as we walked out of the door. I filled him in on everything and found that I couldn’t stop talking.

‘I don’t want an abortion, I’m sure of that. I’ve got an appointment for a scan on Thursday.’

‘That’s one decision made, let’s wait until Thursday before we make any more.’

‘What about Joe? I can barely hold it together when he’s there.’

‘Say you’ve got a virus and would be better left alone.’

‘Freddie I hate lying to him.’

‘You did it before. Sorry, I didn’t mean that to sound like a criticism.’

‘You’re right though, but I didn’t think I was lying because I was in denial.’ I managed a laugh.

‘Somewhere in there is the old Holly.’

‘I know, but I’d quite like her back.’

*

To say it was the worst week of my life would be a huge dramatic statement. One I’ve used before. The court case was the worst week of my life, the first time I was dumped, losing George to New York, oh you get lots of worst weeks. This one was up there though. If ever I chronicle the worst weeks, I will put that near the top of the list. I managed to get Joe to stay away by pleading illness, but he was so concerned he called me constantly which was almost worse than having him with me. All I wanted to do was burst into tears (hormones rather than stress), and have him hold me. I missed him like crazy. I also felt as if I was lying to everyone. My parents, my sister, Lisa, Francesca, all my team at work. I’m not sure why I felt like that, but I did. Lies seem so easy at first, but then they take on a life of their own; they breed, they take over. Christ, now on top of everything else I had become a drama queen.

Ironically, I got news of George that week. He had been in Devon and my mother had bumped into him. He asked after me and told her he’d be seeing me soon. That news unsettled me, as did everything else. I consoled myself with the thought that if George was safely in Devon he couldn’t bother me, and he probably only said he would see me soon because that sounded polite. My mum said that she was civil to him and didn’t mention the court case; she knew better than to rock the boat. For once, George wasn’t my most immediate concern.

I tried to keep everything as much at arm’s length as I could, until Thursday. My appointment was in the late afternoon so I went to work as normal and managed to keep my mind off things by speaking to clients and briefing my team. It was a busy time, with new clients, and existing ones, and I wondered briefly how I would manage with work
and
a baby. I can only concede that I wanted this baby now, that I had grown accustomed to the news, I just wanted it to be Joe’s.

I left for the hospital, full of trepidation. This was it, the moment of truth when I’d know, one way or the other, how pregnant I was. I had written down the dates that I could be sure of.

I slept with George on 4 December. Two days later I slept with Joe. I had slept with Joe before the fourth as well. Despite the fact I was on the pill I couldn’t remember my periods. Perhaps I bled a bit, I really didn’t know. I don’t know how I didn’t know, but I didn’t. On the journey to the hospital I kept thinking how stupid I was. Normally that wasn’t the sort of thing you forgot, was it?

The hospital was horrible, I guess all of them are, but as I sat on the customary grey plastic chair in the waiting room the one thing that struck me was that I was surrounded by couples. Freddie had offered to come with me but there was too much going on at work and no one else knew. I could sense everyone looking at me and I thought that they thought I was a single mother, which I was; or maybe a slut, which I was. Perhaps I was being paranoid because they were all smiling. For most it was a happy occasion, for me, well, I still didn’t know.