Desperately Seeking Shapeshifter (30 page)

I sighed. I couldn’t put this off any longer. I
reached over and grasped Ramsey’s big hand, and his fingers curled over mine. “So what did Beau tell you about Roy? Because it’s time we talked about him.”

“Nothing.”

I raised an eyebrow at that.

“He told me that it was in your past, and Bathsheba’s, and that it was not to be worried over. He wouldn’t say more.”

Beau was a good guy. I liked that he’d protect my sister even from his best friend. I took a slow breath, composing myself, then stared at his hand as I talked.

“When I was sixteen, I met an older guy,” I began, feeling a little sick and relieved all at once. “I was kind of a wild kid. My mother was a drunk and my dad was never home. My sister took care of me. Bathsheba was always the adult in our little family, taking care of Mom and me, running the house, making sure the bills were paid, you name it. When she got a full scholarship to college, I encouraged her to take it. I was going to miss her like hell, but it was the best thing for her.” I smiled a little at the memory, thinking of her joyful face on that day. “Bath deserved to be someone amazing, and smart, and educated. I wasn’t going to hold her back.”

Ramsey said nothing, squeezing my hand a little. I ran my free hand over his knuckles.

“I met a guy named Roy a few weeks after she’d left. I was out drinking with some friends and went to a college party. Roy was there, but he wasn’t in
college. He was a mechanic, and he was twenty-five, and he was handsome and just a little bit dangerous.”

How dumb and completely naïve I’d been then. I’d been so dazzled by his rakish smile and his thick black hair. “I was totally in love with him the moment I saw him. We dated once or twice, and then he started declaring his love for me. And I was a stupid sixteen-year-old, so I was totally on board with it. I didn’t really mind that he was possessive or tried to run my life. Bath had always told me what to do, and my mother was stoned or drunk more than she wasn’t.”

I looked over at Ramsey. “At the time, I liked that a man was going to step in and take charge of my life. Someone else had always been in the lead, and I’d never known what to do without someone there to guide me. Kind of sad, looking back.”

“Not sad,” he said gruffly. “You were young. Scared.”

Yes, but I’m not young anymore, and I’m still scared.
I shook my head, picking up the reins of my story again. “After we’d been dating for a month or two, Roy insisted that I move in with him. He wanted me there in his house to take care of all his needs at any time. My mother didn’t like the idea, but I didn’t care. I threatened to call the cops on her drugging if she didn’t let me go, so she let me. I moved in with Roy, and we played house for a time. I dropped out of high school so I could spend all my time with him. If I wasn’t with him, I was
doing things to please him, like cleaning the house. Roy liked the house to be spotless. If I left a dish in the sink, he’d slap me. It was his way of teaching me how to be a proper girlfriend, he said, and that I was lazy and didn’t respond well—but I responded to the slaps.”

Ramsey’s hand tightened over mine. I squeezed his hand to calm him, because the story was going to get worse.

“As time passed, I couldn’t seem to make Roy happy. We’d been together for six months or so when he really started to hit me. One time he lost his temper and began to change, and that’s when I realized he was a werewolf. It all fell into place after that—his weird buddies that came over every night for just a short period of time, the way he’d disappear for hours and then come back smelling like the woods. I didn’t ask—I was too desperate to make him happy with me. We got into a fight one night. We fought almost every night, but this time it was worse than ever. And that night, he bit me.”

Ramsey’s hand clenched mine, hard. “Sara—”

I wasn’t going to stop; I needed to tell him all of this. “Roy was always very fastidious before that. He’d never drink out of the same glass as me. Never let me use his toothbrush. Always careful to use condoms. I just thought he was a bit OCD. Turns out, not so much.” I laughed, but it sounded hollow. “That night, he nearly tore out my throat. I don’t think he meant to. It was just the heat of the moment, and I was pretty delicate, and boom. There
I am, bleeding all over the place. At first he was shocked, but then he started to bite me over and over again, and I didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn’t until my bites started to heal that I realized what he was doing—and what he’d done. At that point it was either turn me or let me die, so he must have cared for me a little to try and save me, right?”

My hand tightened on his and I continued to trace his knuckles, my voice growing tight. “I was so freaked out back then. I didn’t know what was happening. The first change was just . . . awful. I bled like crazy, and I think I stayed in wolf form for three days.” I remembered the horror of those days. The sheer terror that I hadn’t known what had happened to me. The loneliness and bewilderment. I sighed. “I also ate the neighbor’s cat.”

He didn’t smile.

I continued, “Roy disappeared on me, and I had to suffer through it alone. It was so painful to change back, and the entire time, I wasn’t convinced that I hadn’t gone crazy somehow. Until it happened again, and again. Roy didn’t like that I had become a wolf, but he didn’t know what else to do with me. And I cried a lot, because I was a kid and I was scared, and he liked that even less. Roy wanted me to be strong, so he hit me even more, trying to toughen me up. It didn’t work. It just made him angrier, and me more frightened.”

I heard a faint grinding noise and looked up to see Ramsey’s jaw clenched so hard that I thought he might break his teeth. “Go on,” he gritted.

“Bath heard from my mother that I’d gone off to live with a man, and she didn’t approve. She drove her little beat-up car ten hours to come and talk some sense into me.”

“Your sister is a good person,” he said softly.

I nodded. “I couldn’t control the changes at all back then. When Bath showed up on my doorstep, I panicked at the sight of her and began to change. It was awful. My sister didn’t know what to do. She thought I was having a seizure. I didn’t know what to do, either. Roy was off on another of his nightly jaunts. That was just . . . ugly. And having to explain it to my sister was even worse. When I changed back, my clothes were gone, of course, and she saw all my bruises, and the cigarette burns, and the bites.”

The low growl started in Ramsey’s throat.

I touched his arm to calm him. It all felt like so long ago. Distant, sad memories. “Bath insisted that I go home with her. And I was so rattled and unsure of myself that I told her no. I believed that I was no good, and stupid, and that Roy was right to beat me to make me stronger. He’d brainwashed me.”

Again that grinding of teeth. “I hope this story has a happy ending, or I’m going to have to put my fist through a wall.”

I rubbed his arm. “I’m getting there. Anyhow. Roy got home and saw my sister packing a bag for me. He attacked her—he was getting really bad at controlling himself. I managed to get him off of her, and then he started attacking me. The next thing
I knew, Bath had a gun out and . . . she shot him. Through the head. She thought he was going to kill me—and maybe he would have.”

I peeked through my lashes over at him, hating the tremor in my voice. He said nothing.

“We buried him on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere,” I said. “And then we left New Mexico for good. We tried to get my mom to go with us, but she thought I was the devil after I’d been changed, and she didn’t understand . . .” I shrugged. “She attacked me when I tried to talk to her, but Momma was always a bad drunk and a worse druggie. We gave up on her and left the state. Started over. And here we are today. Your mate is an accomplice to murder, and not at all sorry about it.”

He gave me a solemn look. “You wouldn’t tell me about Roy before because that would endanger your sister?”

I nodded. “She gave up everything for me. I wouldn’t sell her out.”

“Then why tell me now?”

I stood up, placed my hands on his shoulders, and looked him squarely in the eye. “Because I’ve been thinking about what you said. That this relationship was mine to steer, and that you’d let me lead.”

“And?” His voice was a warm rumble.

“And I’ve decided that I want to be your mate, Ramsey Bjorn. I love you. I love you for being warm and protective, and still giving me the freedom to be me. I was scared to think that I’d have to make the
decision, but then I realized that I was even more scared of a life without you by my side.” My fingers tangled in his hair, and I gazed with satisfaction at the mate marks I’d left on his neck. I leaned in and licked them, long and slow.

I felt a tremor run through his large body, and delighted in it.

“So I’m taking control of this relationship,” I said softly, leaning back to look him in the eye again. “I want you as my mate, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

And with that, I tugged off my shirt.

Ramsey stared at my small breasts, cupped by the naughty bra. It was a red lace demi-cup with just enough padding to push my small chest into something magnificent. As he stared, I slid out of my jeans and tossed them to the side, displaying my matching thong, which did wonderful things to my ass. Bright red lace, because Ramsey said he liked red.

Ramsey licked his lips as if his mouth had gone suddenly dry, and looked up at me. “Sara, I—”

I pressed a finger to his lips. “You said you wanted this to be my choice. I’m choosing.”

“Shouldn’t you take a few more days to decide?” His gaze was glued to my décolletage.

I crawled forward, pushing him backward on the bed. “I’m sure about this. I had a long talk with Savannah earlier, and it made me realize that I was holding things against you and I didn’t even realize it. Moreover, I realized that I was being a coward.”

With the barest touch of my fingers, he fell backward into the bed, and I straddled him. His hands brushed my thighs, now straddling his chest. “You don’t seem very cowardly at the moment,” he murmured.

“Nope,” I said cheerfully, looking down at him. “I want this. And I want you—forever. Mates in every sense of the word. I know you’re not like Roy, or Levi, or the others. I’ve always known that. I just had a hard time admitting it to myself.” I leaned in and brushed a light kiss on his mouth. “And now I want to show you.”

He flipped over and suddenly I was under him, legs spread wide, his weight pressing between them. I felt the hard length of his erection against the scrap of my panties and resisted the urge to rub up against it.

“Ramsey,” I said softly, brushing my lips against his as I spoke. “I’m the one leading this relationship, aren’t I?”

His hips flexed against mine involuntarily, and his eyes flared with need. He leaned in and kissed me, hard, and then pulled back, burying his face against my neck. “You are, but—”

“We’ll go fast the first time, and then slower afterward. All right?”

He nodded. I wiggled out from under him and went over to the dresser. “I have something we can use,” I said, sparks of excitement racing through my body. My nipples were hard with need, and he’d barely touched me.

I showed him the tube of lubricant and he actually blushed a little. I dropped it on the bed and my hands went to his waist, undoing the buckle of his belt and then sliding his jeans down his legs. His cock was so hard and thick already that it brushed against me as I moved, and I leaned in to give the head a light kiss. He groaned. “Sara,” he warned, his breathing ragged. “About to come.”

I reached up to his cock, took the crown of it in my grasp, and squeezed, waiting.

His body stiffened and his eyes flashed, and then he reached for me again, as if desperate to put his hands on my body.

I leaned in and kissed him, nipping at his mouth. “Normally we don’t need this, but you’re a big guy. Let’s be careful this first time. Plus I really just want to get my hands all over you,” I said and flipped the cap of the lube, squirting a small amount into my hand. I rubbed my palms together and then, my gaze locked to his, I brushed them over the hard, silky length of his cock.

He groaned like a man dying. “
Sara
.”

Pleased, I wrapped my slick fingers around the massive length of it, stroking up and down. His breath bit sharply, telling me he was about to lose control, and I dropped my hands and leaned in to kiss him. “Now do me?”

He closed his eyes, breathing hard for a long moment, then sat up. His hands gripped me and he pulled me down onto the bed, pressing kisses to my stomach, as if unable to contain himself. I wriggled
in pleasure at the sensation, my still-slick fingers going to tangle in his hair. “Please, Ramsey,” I said. “I need you inside me.”

For a long moment he hovered over me, then stood. He stared down at me, then gently tugged my dainty, lacy little thong down my legs and tossed it on the floor. His hand cupped my mound and his thumb grazed the slit of my sex. “You’re already so wet.”

God, that felt so good. I needed him so badly. I lifted my hips, pressing against his thumb. “This first time, let’s go for really, really wet, all right?”

He nodded and grasped the lubricant, applied some to his hands, and slicked them, mimicking my actions from just a minute ago. His fingers returned to my sex, brushing along my folds, making them slippery with lubricant. I cried out when his fingers brushed over my clit, my hands teasing the tips of my breasts through my lacy bra. “Put your finger inside me.”

He did as I commanded, and I nearly came at the feeling of that thick finger pushing deep into me. My breathing became quick and panting, and I bit my lip, trying not to buck against his hand and ruin the moment. He pushed in with his finger, his gaze fascinated as he watched my body, then withdrew and stroked the finger deep inside me again.

I moaned. “Another finger.”

When he added the second one, I sucked in a breath, the feeling incredibly tight and full. He pushed deep inside me with both fingers, then
withdrew. “Sara. You’re so tight. I don’t want to hurt you.”