Determination (15 page)

The manticore leapt at him once more.

Oemaru dodged and sent his starcallers in the beast’s path, and their fighting began anew. Oemaru did what he could to coax Brevelan to follow his retreat. He had a general idea of where he stood in relation to where he’d set up the veladome, the device he’d used to cloak everyone during the pre-war meeting, but he had far too much ground to navigate through. He was going to have to find a way to kill the manticore faster so he could save his men.

Brevelan followed, slashing out at soldiers as he dodged and took an occasional hit, sticking to the ground on all-fours, yet moving with swift, deadly precision. Oemaru avoided attacking anything but the manticore. With no helmet on, he was all alone, unsure of who was friend or foe.

Chapter 10

Disappointment and Forgiveness

Roxie woke feeling emotionally drained. Her chest felt hollow, yet heavy with tears she needed to keep at bay for now. The emotional pain made her feel leaden and tired enough to continue sleeping, but she needed to keep going for the sake of the greater good. Too many people, mortal and divine, were relying on her to embrace her role as an Aigis and stop Nexus in any way possible.

She was lying on a snowy ground, her body coated in a dusting of snow. Neither that or the ground felt cold; just room temperature. She brushed herself off and sat up.

“Welcome back,” Sekiro said from atop a large boulder. She wore a serene smile, yet had sadness in her silver eyes.

Roxie got to her feet and brushed off her skirt. “Thanks. How long was I out?”

“Doesn’t matter, remember?”

“Sorry. I’m struggling to let go of the concept that it does.”

“Don’t worry about it. Dare I ask how you feel? You look healthy but sad.”

“I feel tired and like I don’t want to move, but I have to do what’s necessary to get back to Nexus and stop him. That’s more important than how I feel right now.”

“Not true.” Sekiro waved Roxie to come join her atop the semicircle of elephant-sized boulders. “You’re in a place that focuses on your internal thoughts, your personal journey. There are physical places I must take you to, but we can’t reach your next destination until you’re at peace with what you just went through. Please come up here and talk with me.”

Heaving a resigned sigh, Roxie sized up the leap onto the boulder she’d slept against, then decided to forego her wings and instead hop her way up the stepping stone path to the top. Most of the boulders were huge, but they gradually shrunk to knee height on either end. Wings spread for balance, she hopped one rock at a time, and on her final hop her foot slipped out from her. Flailing her arms and wings, she twisted midair and landed in a pushup position, only to have her hands slip, too. She belly-flopped onto the boulder with her cuirass making a metallic clang, squishing her chest. Snow puffed out in clouds on either side of her and Roxie started laughing as she wrapped her arms over her tender bosom.

“That looked painful, but I guess your laughter means you’re alright.”

A genuine smile on her face, Roxie carefully got to her feet and fanned the powder snow off the boulder with a few wing beats and sat down. “I needed that. Not only must it have been funny to watch, it let me know I’m still me, still a klutz now and then.” Her chest felt fine already. The fall had surprised her more than anything.

“But being a klutz isn’t exactly a good thing.”

“No, but I’m happy to know I’m still me after all I’ve been through, and despite how much I’ve had to grow up lately.”

“Yeah, by the sound of your story, you’ve been through a lot.”

“And I have more to do. What do we need to talk about?” She wrapped her arms around her shins. She understood that Sekiro wanted to talk about meeting her both parents, but what was there to say?

“Meeting your parents has made your soul too heavy. You need to relieve yourself of some of the burden.”

Soul too heavy? Roxie didn’t question it since she felt literally weighed down by her emotions. She couldn’t deny feeling a need  for some sort of closure with her parents. At least her slip and fall had eased the pain a bit.

“So,” Sekiro said, “mom or dad first?”

Roxie groaned inwardly. “Mom, just to get it over with.”

Sekiro nodded.

“I can’t believe my grandmother hid Mom’s suicide all this time. If I’d known, I think I still would’ve gone to see her here, and it would’ve been easier to deal with. Her cold uncaring attitude was such a slap in the face.”

“But would you have been as happy all those years, knowing how selfish your mother is?”

“No, but--” Roxie thought a moment, trying to sort out how she felt and understand what she wanted from this talk. “Part of me is glad to finally have the truth, but at the same time it hurts. I’ve been embracing a lie my whole life, found happiness in the lie, and I don’t know if my grandmother would’ve volunteered the truth without my asking.”

Sekiro raised her brows. “You never asked?”

“I did once I was old enough to understand death. I don’t remember her exact words, but I know she never went into specifics with my mom like she did with my dad. I think I was too young to push for more details. I just made up my own explanation at some point, so I can’t really blame her.”

“Do you think it would’ve made either of you happy if your grandmother told you the truth?” Sekiro hugged her own knees.

“No,” Roxie admitted. “But I don’t understand why she willingly let me believe a lie. I’d rather know the truth no matter how much it hurt. I feel like a naive child. All those daydreams I had, pretending I was on one adventure or another with my parents... they never would’ve happened. I’ve always imagined them as these perfect people, but now I can’t deny that they’re just as human as the next person.”

“That’s something every kid learns.”

“Hm?”

“That our parents are human.”

“True. I guess growing up without them--I mean, I understood they were human when I learned the same about my grandmother--but, since they were never around, my imagination went wild with notions of perfection.”
Cut the thing out.
“My own mother never wanted me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Roxie looked at the Numina, confused. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I could’ve tried harder to persuade you to avoid at least your mom, but--”

“Trust me, nothing would’ve changed my mind. I was determined to see them both.”

Sekiro bowed her head. “That you were.”

“I don’t regret it. I’m glad I know the truth and that I got to meet them, despite what happened.”

“Your mother almost killed you. I thought she’d killed you but somehow you brought yourself back.”

Roxie’d forgotten about that already. Funny how memory worked sometimes. Her mother’s attempt to suck her energy dry had impacted her less than hearing her mother tell the doctors to cut Roxie out of her belly so she wouldn’t have to deal with motherhood. “I’m not sure how I did that. I just willed myself to stay alive. But anyway, how am I supposed to make peace with the truth that my mother doesn’t love me and is stuck in a self-made hell?”

“Her hell isn’t your problem.”

“I know but I wish I could help.”

“You do know that giving her every last drop of your energy wouldn’t have helped her at all, right?”

“I had a feeling that was true when she mentioned all her failed escape attempts. What does she need to free herself from there?”

“I would have to spend time with her, like other Numina have. What I do know is that she’s stuck on a truth she isn’t willing to see at true.”

“Her suicide?”

“It relates to that, I bet. It could be that she needs to accept that committing suicide for such reasons was selfish, or that she should’ve tried to bond with and love you, or that she needs to let go of Charles, something along those lines. It could be a combination of all those and more. We humans are simple yet intricate. Every soul is unique.”

“I hope she finds peace one day,” Roxie said, meaning it. She didn’t enjoy the thought of her mother reliving childbirth and suicide endlessly, the events overshadowed by news of her husband’s death. She wouldn’t wish such an afterlife on anyone.

“So do I. All souls deserve to find peace.”

“If I get out of here and survive what I need to do, would there be a way to help her at all?”

“Of course. The most hateful souls need the most love.”

Roxie considered Sekiro’s words as the Numina hopped to another boulder. “I don’t like her but I can’t find it in myself to hate her. I pity her and how miserable she is more than anything. I have plenty reason to hate her but I just can’t.”

“She’s your mother, the only one you’ll ever have.”

Roxie nodded. “I think that’s what makes it impossible to hate her, so it’s just a matter of what to do with her.”

“What do you think you should do?” Sekiro began flitting from treetop to snow-covered treetop, touching each pine with the ball of her foot before moving on to the next. It was like watching a fairy dancing midair. Her movements didn’t disturb the snow or trees.

“Let her go,” Roxie admitted. “Accept the truth. Accept the hurt. Keep moving forward. If all goes well, I’ll go back to the hospital from the living side and leave her a gift in the room she died in. If that doesn’t help her, then there’s nothing more I can do.”

“Right. And that sounds great.”

“I think the hardest part will be accepting that I can’t do anything to help.”

“So long as you keep reminding yourself, you’ll be fine. Having to accept a lack of control is difficult for so many people. Do your best to not let it get you down.”

“I will.”

Sekiro paused atop a tree, arms out and one leg bent. “Good. You’ve made yourself aware of everything you needed to in regards to you mom, and have opened yourself to move on. What’s got you hung up on your father?”

Roxie had to admit that she felt a little lighter already. She still felt tears wanting out but they didn’t feel so urgent anymore. She turned her thoughts to her father. “Do you think he really played favorites, or was that my mother’s imagination?”

Sekiro alighted on Roxie’s boulder. “It’s hard to say but I have a sneaking suspicion he might have, sadly, since he’s still with a Numina. However, he could still be on his internal journey for reasons unrelated to you or Dana.”

“True. I just can’t get over how my mom might be right when Dad didn’t even ask what happened to Mom after my verbal slip.”

“Well he was focused on you, since you were right in front of him.”

“That’s also true but... even when he calmed down, it was still all about me. He didn’t even ask his Numina about her.”

“At least he loves you very much and has faith in your abilities.”

“Yeah, and for both those things I’m very thankful. He genuinely wanted to be a father and be there for me. But now I wonder what kind of husband he was. Why’d he marry Mom? Were they happily married? Did he love her, or was he using her to have kids?”

“How much of that do you think matters anymore?”

Roxie’s heart sank anew. “None of it, probably.” She sighed through her nose. I guess I just want something about my parents to be happy and pure, but it’s all so broken and...” She searched for the right word. “Not some fairytale love story you want to hear about again and again.” That was more than one word but whatever. Snow began to fall, slow and gentle. The wintry landscape exuded a calm stillness, and the silent snowfall magnified that. The sight and feel was beautiful. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“Very much so,” Sekiro said, taking a seat and leaning against her.

Roxie welcomed the contact. It felt good to not be all alone in all this.

“Both my parents were druggies. I picked up their bad habits and paid for it with my life. I had to come to terms with that before I could become a Numina. It was hard because I wanted to blame them for all my mistakes. I hated myself for turning out just like them; however, they weren’t the ones who overdosed. I was. They outlived me. I check in on them now and then. They’re no different than when I was alive but that’s not important anymore. I’ve forgiven them for not being perfect, for not being perfect parents, for not trying to straighten themselves out for their daughter’s sake, and for many more things. I’ve accepted responsibility for my own actions and let it all go. Forgiveness does wonders for the soul. It honest to goodness frees you. Do you think you could do that with your parents?”

Roxie bowed her head as her heart tugged her towards forgiveness, yet reaching the end of its chain connected to a ball of disappointment. “I can. I just don’t know how to let go of my disappointment first. I wanted them to be storybook perfect but they’re not.”

“Are any parents perfect?”

“I doubt it, to be honest. They’re all human.”

“Can you bring yourself to hold it against them for being human?”

“No.” Roxie stood and brushed a few flakes from her face. “I’m still glad I know the truth. I prefer this over daydreaming up lies. It helps keep me better grounded in reality.”

Sekiro stood as well. “That’s good to hear. So can you forgive them?”

“I can and do,” she said. “Well, the disappointment is still there but I think I just need time to accept and absorb the truth. I don’t hate either of them and I’m thankful to be alive because of them, but I think I just need to let go of my disappointment to make room for forgiveness. Like, I forgive them but I’m still mad.”

“That’s fine. Such things take time. You’re heading in the right direction and handling all this amazingly well.”

“Thanks, but is it enough to allow me to keep moving forward through this realm?”

“You bet.” Sekiro hopped into the air, wings buzzing. “I can finally see where to take you next, and I never woulda guessed it since I’ve never had to make such a trip with a soul before.”