Devlin's Grace (12 page)

Gracie
managed to open her dry mouth. “I’m not, Devlin, just surprised.”
 
Stunned, shocked, or horrified would be a
better choice of words, but she left them alone for now.

With
features hardened into a harsh mask, a serious face he met her glance. “I told
you I did terrible things, babe.”

He
had, but she hadn’t imagined anything like this. “So you really killed the
little girl?”

“I
did.” Devlin spoke in a very quiet tone, voice calm as a cloudless sky. “But it
wasn’t on purpose and it wasn’t my fault.
 
I don’t like talking about it, but I’ll tell you so you can quit looking
at me like I’m some serial killer.”

If
she did, she didn’t mean it.
 
Her
emotions snarled worse than kite string on a gusty day as Gracie struggled to
understand, to deal with it.
 
It’d be
easier if he displayed any emotion, though. “Dev…”

“Don’t,”
he said in voice sharper than a knife. “Let me tell it.
 
It’s damn hard enough to do, but I need to
tell you how and why.”

Gracie
settled down on the bed and faced him.
 
“Okay.”

“We
spent days heading for Baghdad and we fought all the way.
 
We dodged bullets and bombs, suffered through
sand storms, everything.
 
And it got hard
to tell who the enemy was, because some of the Iraqi forces came out wearing
civvies.
 
And some of them, called
Fedayeen
used kids for human
shields.
 
They’d fire on us and when we
hit ‘em back, they grabbed a kid and put them out in front.
 
It didn’t take long for us to figure out what
they were doing, but this was the first time.
 
A guy next to me got hit and so I fired back, blind.
 
I never saw the kid until too late.”

His
voice cracked as he spoke, calm yielding to despair.
 
Emotion surged into Devlin and almost swamped
him.
 
Gracie watched the mask he wore
crumble to reveal his naked anguish and without conscious thought, she reached
out to take his hand.
 
His skin radiated
cold and Gracie wrapped her fingers tight around his.

“Through
the smoke and all the confusion,” Dev said, “I saw her, the prettiest little
girl standing there, blood soaking through several places on the dress she
wore, a denim jumper and a white blouse.
 
She stared at me as if she couldn’t believe I’d do something so bad to
her,
then
she toppled over to the ground.
 
The Iraqi bastard didn’t even bother to see
if she was dead, just left her there like trash.”

Devlin
quivered, his body racked with silent sobs as he remembered.
 
Gracie moved closer and put her arm around
him.
 
Although he leaned into her, he
continued with his story.

“I
would’ve done something if I could,” he told her in a voice brittle as
shattered glass. “But we moved on and I couldn’t.
 
I painted her because I thought it might
help.
 
She haunts me, not like a ghost,
just the memory of her refuses to leave.
 
And I’m telling you, babe, trying to exorcise my demons.”

She
hurt for him and tried to offer comfort. “It wasn’t your fault.
 
You didn’t intend to shoot her.”

The
darkness in his eyes increased as he shook his head. “I pulled the trigger and
I watched her die.”

Her
quiet life, her small battles paled in comparison to his experiences.
 
Gracie saw through his eyes and she wanted to
look away, to deny it all, but couldn’t.
 
Her daydreams of romantic candles, sweet chocolates, and champagne
evaporated against the stark reality of war.
 
Her love condensed down to basics, to a desire to succor and comfort
Devlin, to remove his pain, an impossible task.
 
Beneath his shirt her fingers stroked his physical scars and wished she
could touch his inner anguish.
 
Tears
rained from Gracie’s eyes. “You didn’t kill her, though.
 
The fe-fe-day…”

“
Fedayeen
,” he said.

“They
took her life. You didn’t.”

Misery
blanched his face white. “I didn’t save her, either.”

“You
couldn’t.”

Devlin’s
sigh moved like the wind between them. “No.”

Understanding
dawned. “It eats you alive, doesn’t it?” Gracie asked him, voice soft and
still. “The little girl plus whatever else you did, it devours you.
 
You’re not the devil, but you’re running from
him.”

Something
shone in Devlin’s eyes, ancient and heavy.
 
He nodded. “You got it, babe.
 
No
one’s ever quite figured it out before now.
 
Oh, others who served, they know, but you’re the first civilian who
understands.”

Gracie
hurt, her soul wounded by the revelation.
 
“You’re in a hell you made yourself,” she said, “and afraid of ending up
in the real one.”

His
twisted smile shattered her heart.
 
“Yeah, pretty much.
 
Ever since I
got back I’ve walked in the fiery pits, burned for my sins, and tormented
myself probably more than any demon ever could.
 
I’ve hated every day, hated each night, and sometimes wondered why I
bothered to stay alive.”

“Devlin…”

“There
are names for being this fucked up,” he said. “PTSD’s one of them.”

When
he broke off, Gracie opened her mouth to say something, but Devlin quoted what
she thought was the Bible but wasn’t, not quite.

“Yea,
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” Devlin intoned, “I
will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.”

 
As he spoke he broke away from her. Devlin
came to his feet and stood, as remote as if he were on an unknown island.
 
He laughed, without mirth, a bitter dry hoot
reminding her of rattling bones. “I don’t remember who quoted it first, but I
understood it.
 
Later on, I adopted it as
my motto.
 
I have to be the meanest –
otherwise, I’ve no doubt the devil will claim me as his own and damn me to
hell, a worse place than the one I’ve made for myself.”

In
such a wild mood, exposing the darkness within, he scared Gracie, but at the
same time, she grasped his mercurial emotions were a response to his earlier
vow of love.
 
His feelings jumbled
together, potent and tangled, so intertwined he couldn’t separate them.
 
Fear knotted its way into love, love created
need and hunger.
 
Desire, anger, and guilt
added to the emotional stew.
 
Gracie’s
love trumped her own anxiety, and she embraced him.
 
As her arms circled his body, Devlin
stiffened, and then relaxed to gather her close.
 
He held her tight.

Moments
passed.
 
Devlin sighed with such force he
shuddered. “It can’t be easy,” he said to her.

“What?”

“Loving me.”

Over a space of hours, they’d
gone from strolling lovers in a pleasant interlude to drama to declarations of
love then descended into the mire of deep emotions, thick as mud.
 
Out of the scattered fragments of thought,
mind, and heart, Gracie pulled out a laugh.
 
It rang out like church bells and ignited Devlin’s faint grin.
 
“Easy?” she asked with a smile. “No, it’s not
easy, but it’s worth it.”

With an expression naked as a
newborn, he shook his head with wonder. “I’m glad you think so, Gracie.
 
Sorry it’s not the kind of evening I thought
it’d turn out to be.”

“It’s still early,” Gracie said.
“Go take a shower and I’ll pick up your place.
 
Then we’ll start over.”

Devlin traced the line of her
cheek with a slow finger.
“Sounds good to me.
 
Thanks, babe, for not running away.”

“I don’t run,” Gracie said.
“Not easy, anyway.”

As he showered, she straightened
the bed and smoothed the covers.
 
Gracie
finished washing the dishes he’d begun and made the living room neat.
 
By the time Devlin emerged from the tiny
bathroom in a cloud of steam, the apartment was no longer in shambles.
 
He greeted her with a quiet smile, naked as
Adam in the Garden of Eden.
 
His lean,
scarred body immediately aroused her, all the more because Gracie knew from his
expression he’d sloughed away some of his inner darkness for now.
 

Devlin glanced around the bedroom
and grinned.
 
In place of the candles
she’d wanted, Gracie had draped the single bedside lamp with a thin kitchen
towel to soften the illumination.
 
The
muted light set a similar mood, and she’d found a Mannheim Steamroller CD among
Dev’s collection so delightful music created some background ambiance.
 
Her earlier desire stirred and with a racy
little witch walk, hips swaying, Gracie walked over to him.
 
Without a word, she touched his chest then
dropped her hands lower to cup his manhood between her palms.
 
His cock came to life with speed and Devlin
kissed her, without artifice and with nothing between them but basic want and
sheer need.

His mouth cherished hers,
nurtured and nuzzled Gracie’s lips.
  
Tingles danced along her spine and legs.
 
Devlin’s kisses sent electricity through her nipples and turned her
pussy moist.

He held her and his hands strayed
over her flesh, removing her garments with deft skill.
 
His kisses continued and he moved downward to
kiss her breasts until she shivered.
 
Gracie’s fingers fondled Dev’s nipples and when they turned hard beneath
her touch, she put her mouth over one to suckle.
 
His moan of pleasure fired her further and
for the first time, she dropped to her knees.

Gracie took his dick into her
mouth and sucked, evoking a new sensation for her. It was more than a little
strange yet she liked it.
 
When it
stiffened, she used her lips to caress, and Devlin cried out with wordless
delight.

“Oh, Jesus, babe,” he said,
“That’s good, real good.
 
Don’t quit
now.”

Unable to answer, Gracie used her
tongue and Devlin quivered.
 
She
continued until she thought he’d explode in her mouth and withdrew.
 
Dev jerked her to her feet then backed her to
the bed.
 
In their haste for fulfillment
neither turned down the covers and as soon as she found herself on her back,
Gracie opened her legs wide.
 
Devlin
dived between them, his cock proud and ready.
 
He entered her hard, swift and sure.
 
On impact, her walls tightened around him to squeeze as he moved within,
each thrust bringing a new wave of pure pleasure.
 
Gracie’s body hummed with gladness as the
erotic buzz of good sex claimed her.

Their connection rocked them both
and they spiraled upward toward satisfaction, each level increasing the
intensity of the sensual spasms.
 
Gracie
strained against Devlin, clinging and almost crying for release.
 
His guttural noises of bliss brought her home
and they came in a wild, spinning rush of ecstasy.
 
During the final burst of orgasm, Gracie
cried out too and their voices joined in joyful noise, united in body,
connected with soul.

Devlin collapsed beside her,
panting but grinning.
 
He pulled her into
his arms and they cuddled, close and sated.
 
Curled against his chest, Gracie listened as his heartbeat calmed to a
steady rhythm.
 
They breathed in tandem
too and she savored the intimate moment, happy.
 
Dev’s demons might ride him hard and haunt him, but when they came
together, the force of their loving banished everything in its wake.

“Awesome, pretty lady,” Devlin
whispered as he stroked back her hair. “I love you.”

Pleased, Gracie kissed the base
of his throat. “I love you, too.”

“You’re staying, right?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Good.”

After a few more moments when she
thought he might be drifting to sleep, Gracie thought about untangling to
shower.
 
Their combined sweat and musk
must create a powerful aroma, but she didn’t want to disturb Devlin.
 
He got little rest and if he slept better in
her arms, then she wouldn’t budge.
 
She
could shower in the morning, after all.
  

Gracie snuggled closer and
tightened her arms around him.
 
In his
sleep, he shifted until his head rested against her bare bosoms.
 
A fleeting smile played across his lips and
she wondered if sweet dreams, not nightmares floated through his
subconscious.
 
Before long, she slept too
and didn’t wake until morning.