Diary of a Rocker's Kid (D.O.R.K #1) (17 page)

“I don’t know what to tell you, except there’s one simple way you can get an affirmative answer on all this.”

“What’s that?”

She reaches down and clasps my hand for moral support, looking directly into my eyes. “Go find your dad and ask him to tell you the truth.”

“No…”

“Mads, you have to.”

“No, he’s not going to tell me. He’s determined not to tell me the truth, no matter what.”

“Just ask him. This is what you came here for. Plus, I mean…it’s your only option now.”

“Well…I guess I can try.”

“Take the laptop. He can’t argue with the evidence.”

I put on a t-shirt and shorts over my swimsuit and hobble down the stairs, holding my laptop in one hand and gripping the rail like my life depends on it with the other. When I touch down on the floor and see Dad sitting on the couch in the living room, I take deep breaths and will myself to stop shaking and calm down.
Breathe…breathe…

I approach him and swallow against my nausea. “Hey, uh…c-can I talk to you about something?”

Dad immediately becomes concerned by the look on my face. “Yeah, sit down, honey. You feelin’ okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’ve seen
something
.” I clear my throat nervously as I sit down and open my laptop, revealing the browser that’s still open to the pictures. “Dad…am I related to these people?”

Dad clenches his eyes shut and breathes out a long sigh that sounds more like a growl. His hands go up to cover his mouth, and he leans forward on the couch, whispering to himself, “I guess the day has come.”

That was all the confirmation I needed. I immediately break down in tears. “Please,
please
tell me this isn’t true. Please say it isn’t her.
Anyone
but her.”

Dad drops his hands and shakes his head solemnly. “You wouldn’t forgive me if I told you another lie.” He takes me in his arms, and I lean against him, quaking as the most violent sobs I’ve ever heard in my life tear from my throat. Jacie Redinger was the one person I didn’t want to admit could be my mother. To make it even worse, she kept my twin and gave me away. I can’t even imagine a worse resolution than this.

Dad holds me without words for a long time, letting me cry it all out until I’m nothing but a heap of shuddering flesh. He finally says something as he wipes my tears away. “Sweetheart, before anything else is said, you need to know that
none
of this is your fault, okay? She made the biggest mistake of her life when she walked away from you that day, and she knows that. Trust me, she knows, and I daresay she’s regretted it ever since then.”

“It doesn’t matter if she regretted it.” I’m still crying but I don’t have the energy to sob any more. “She gave me up. Jacie Redinger gave me up.”

“But it was
her loss
, darlin’.” Dad holds my head against his shoulder and kisses my forehead. “She’s a moron who gave up a perfect, beautiful, talented little girl for no good reason.”

“So she didn’t have a reason?” I pull back, and Dad’s face turns ashen as he mutters a curse under his breath. “Dad, what was her reason?” He hesitates. “
Tell me
!”

“She, uh…” He looks away and swallows back his own tears. “She only wanted one child.”

I’m too stunned to speak for about ten seconds. I was hoping he would say she was poor at the time, or that she was having trouble managing with twins, but…again, that’s the answer I didn’t want to hear. “
That’s it
? She kept Raven and gave me away because she only wanted one child?”

“Come here.” Dad pulls me back into his embrace. “I’m so sorry, angel. I’m so, so sorry.” I cling to him, and the sobs begin all over again.

Ana hears me and comes to the top of the stairwell. “Hey, is she okay?”

Dad sighs heavily, squeezing me against his chest. “Time will tell.”

***

Half an hour later, I run up to my bedroom and burst in the door, paying no attention to Ana and Dad following me. My gaze zones in on the basket and the pictures next to my bed. After one good look, seething with anger, I sling the basket across the room. The note flies out with the pictures, and I jump onto the bed to grasp it in my hand.

“
Fuck you!
” I rip the note to shreds as more tears flood my cheeks. “Fuck you and everything you stand for, you worthless
bitch
!” I hurl the pieces against the wall as my sobs become hysterical. Ana tries to grab me, but I shove her in my anger and she slips back on the bed.

I stand up and run around the room, throwing everything I can get my hands on haphazardly. The glass in a picture frame shatters, and the sound of destruction echoes the pain in my soul. I pick up the basket again, and Dad watches in silence as I tear the first thing he ever saw me in to shreds. Everything fogs up in my head except one thing.

Fuck Jacie Redinger. Fuck her. I hate her.

She ruined my life, gave me a name I’ll never live down, and then she went on to become an A-list actress with everything she ever wanted. She gave
everything
to Raven, and I got jack shit. I spent my whole life worshipping her like an idiot, never knowing she was the reason I couldn’t live life on the outside. Fuck her. She used to be my favorite person, and now she’s all the way down at the bottom of my list. Raven’s not far up from her. She’s living my life. She even had my Prince Charming first, and she chewed him up and spit him out.

My whirlwind dies down after a while, and I see the contents of my room lying in ruins around me. I look up into Dad and Ana’s eyes then. They’re both crying for me. Ana stretches out her arms to me, and I fall into them weakly, clinging to her for all she’s worth.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry.” She just shakes her head against mine and squeezes me tighter. Ana moves me over to the bed, and we lay down side by side, clinging to each other as her tears mingle with mine.

***

When the sky goes dark, I finally lift my head from Ana’s shoulder and look around at my catastrophe of a room. Her stomach growls, and I realize we skipped dinner entirely.

I hold my head and let out a shuddering sigh. “Ana…I don’t know what to do. I really feel like never eating again.”

“Don’t say that,” Ana whispers hoarsely as she strokes my hair. “You’re gonna get through this.”

“I don’t know how.” I wipe my eyes with a tissue. “I’m the only person in the world who can say ‘Jacie Redinger gave me up.’” Ana’s lower lip trembles, and tears build up in her eyes again. “Please don’t do that. You’re going to get me started again.”

“I’m sorry.” She dabs at her eyes with her own tissue. “It’s just…I don’t understand how anyone could give you up. You’re the best. I feel so sad for both of you.”

“
Both
of us? How could you feel sad for that bitch?” I toss my wadded-up tissue in the trash can and pull out a fresh one. Never before this day did I imagine referring to Jacie Redinger as a bitch, but things change when you realize you’re related to a person.

Ana shrugs as she continues to wipe at her eyes. “She missed out on your whole life.” Then her eyes widen. “You know what? So did your dad. He missed out on Raven’s.”

“Yeah…I wonder what happened, you know? She’s his child too. You would think he would have fought tooth and nail to get her if he really thought Jacie was so dangerous.”

“Sounds like there’s still a lot we don’t know,” Ana says, and I nod in response.

“Yeah…” I sigh. “I’m not sure I’m ready to hear it, though.”

We both sit up, and a couple minutes later, a knock comes at the door. “Who’s there?” I call out.

“Someone you probably don’t want to see,” Gio says through the door.

“No…it’s all right, come in.”

Gio opens the door, looking a little torn up himself. “Please, just let me explain.” He approaches the foot of my bed.

“She’s kind of in the midst of a crisis right now,” Ana says. “We found out who her mother is, thanks to you.”

“What?” His brows furrow in utter confusion. Clearly, that knowledge hadn’t reached him yet, either.

“Your theory was correct. Raven Redinger actually
is
my twin sister, and Jacie is my mother,” I inform him.

Gio’s face contorts with horror, and his breathing picks up speed. “Uh…Ana, can I please talk to her?”

“She doesn’t want to see anyone right now—”

“It’s okay. I need to talk to him,” I say. Ana sighs and squeezes my shoulder before standing from the bed and leaving the room.

Gio’s weight comes down on the side of the bed, and I turn slightly toward him. “Madness, I…I had no idea she was really your sister.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t know what else to do with it. “I swear, I didn’t know.”

I push my way up to a sitting position. “Neither did I.”

“Shit, that’s crazy…and pretty weird for us.”

“Yeah…” I dab at my eyes again, humiliated that he has to see me this way.

“I was worried when you left the pool so suddenly,” Gio says. “I thought you hated me for having a past relationship with Raven. I had no idea you were solving your mother mystery.”

“I don’t hate you, and I appreciate you telling me the truth, but…everything’s different now.”

“Yeah…” Gio rubs the back of his neck, which I’ve found out is his little quirk that he does when he feels awkward. He’s so damn perfect…and yet he went out with my twin sister. The twin I never knew I had. They probably did things I don’t even want to know about.

“What are you going to do?” Gio asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to break up with me?”

“Um…I didn’t know we were together—”

“I meant, do you want to stop seeing me?”

“Oh…” I clear my throat. “Not really, but it’s just…”

“Complicated,” Gio says, and I nod.

“Yeah.” My fingers twist in my lap, and I feel tears gathering again. We were never even officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and here we are talking about breaking up. I’m on the verge of breaking up with
Gio Abate
. This sucks worse than a broken jaw. It sucks worse than braces. It even sucks worse than growing up without many friends or a life.

Gio stands from my bed, and then he leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Let me know what you decide, okay?”

One tear trails down my cheek, and he gently wipes it away. I grab his hand before he can pull it back and squeeze it one last time. “Okay.”

Chapter 19

June 20, 2015

Mission AYMM Completed

Life as a celebrity can be a total suckfest.

Guess who my mother is? Yeah, that’s right, she’s the actress I’ve been worshipping my whole life. Jacie Redinger, the one I thought could do no wrong. I never suspected her in the beginning because she has such a cleaned up image in the public eye, but my guess is she’s put years of work into developing that image to cover up her secret sins. I also found out about a second family member who looks like me. My identical twin sister, Raven.

She was a child actress before going on hiatus a few years ago, and she’s gorgeous, famous in her own right, and has gone out with not one, not two, but three teenage actors over the past year. Unfortunately, one of those teenage actors just happened to be Giovanni Abate. He says it was a fake relationship, and that she didn’t tell him until three months after the fact. He also called her a “mean girl” at his party. If Jacie really is a snake in the grass, it sounds like Raven is following in her footsteps.

I thought there was a chance I’d want to know them, but right now my fury is overshadowing my curiosity. How could anyone give up one of their twin daughters just because they only wanted one child? If she had given Dad custody in the first place and arranged visitation rights or something, that would have been a lot better, but no. She dumped me on his doorstep with no intention of ever seeing me or acknowledging my existence again. Then she totally changed her tune and tried to kidnap me and lie in court to get me back. What a bitch…I just…I can’t even think in nice words right now.

Now I’m wondering if I should have even tried to find my mother. Dad was right…the truth about what happened with her destroyed me. After six hours of crying, I finally lost all feeling and went numb again. Now there’s just this dull ache inside that feels like it’s never going to go away.

This trip was supposed to be the start of great things for us, but no, I just had to push and find things out I wasn’t supposed to know. Lesson learned. Curiosity killed the rocker chick and made her dead inside.

Jacie Redinger gave me up. If I needed more proof I’m the unluckiest girl alive, I just got it in spades.

Ttyl,

Mads

***

The next morning, Ana and I drive out to Santa Monica in the Jag, and at my request, she leaves me to meet Jerica at a nearby restaurant. I just wanted to be alone with my music, which for me is the equivalent of medicine for a broken heart. When I step onto the sand on the beach, I find an unpopular spot, and I lay out a towel and sit down to unpack my acoustic guitar.

The only thing I wanted to do was enjoy the morning breeze and the gentle sun and forget about everything else. However, just a few minutes after I settle down, I notice a familiar sandy-haired boy sitting about fifty feet from me doing the very same thing I’m doing. He’s strumming his guitar fiercely and singing, and he sounds good.
Damn
good.

I pick up my belongings so I can go over and sit by him. “Hey,” I say as I walk up behind him.

Dalton looks up, startled. “Hey!”

“Can I join you?” Dalton nods, and I spread out my towel and lay down my case. “What’s that you were playing just now?”

“One of my songs,” Dalton says. “You heard that?”

“Yeah, that was really good. It had a very distinct W3 vibe.”

Dalton chuckles. “I told you they’re my inspiration. I tried to put a modern spin on it, though. Does it sound at least a little bit original?”

“Yeah, totally. In fact, I think you might have improved on their style a little bit.”

“Awesome.” Dalton beams with pleasure at my approval. I make a side observation that he has a really nice smile. “Coming from the Grim Weeper’s daughter, that means a lot.”

I cringe at the reminder that this guy is only talking to me because of who my dad is. And who I was going out with…or still am…I don’t know. “Hey, listen, I hope you didn’t ask me to be in the band just because of who my dad is—”

“
Hell
no,” Dalton says with fervor. “You’re awesome in your own right. You don’t need your Dad’s name to make you great.”

“Flatterer.” I smirk at him.

“I meant every word. Your songwriting is great. I really hope you finish that song you showed me.”

“It should be done soon.”

“Hey, do you wanna sing something together?”

We decide on a song that has a good male and female part, and then he plays the guitar while we sing. Our voices blend like chocolate and vanilla, and I get goose bumps from more than just the moist breeze passing over me. Every time I hear music that is truly inspired or beautiful, I get chills all over my body that tell me
That’s it. That’s what you should be doing.
Exhilarated, I turn my head to look into Dalton’s eyes during the second chorus, and we smile at each other as we sing. Our musical chemistry is undeniable.

The song ends, and we’re both breathing a little heavily. “That was…
wow
,” he says, and we both chuckle. “Hey…by the way, I heard about what happened. I hope you and Gio can work it out.”

“Thanks…” That reminder served to knock me right off the mountain peak I just ascended to while we were singing. I lay my guitar down and pull my knees up to my chest, feeling the urge to cover myself again. “I’m still pretty lost right now.”

“So JR is your mom, huh?” Dalton asks. Guess Gio must have filled him in on every last detail.

“Yeah…” I feel comfortable talking to him about this for some reason. Dalton’s dad isn’t a part of his life, so maybe he’ll understand. “The weirdest part is that I’ve been a fan of Jacie’s for years, and I never once dreamed she was the woman who gave birth to me. That’s what I’ve started calling her now, since calling her a mother is a joke.”

“Believe me, I completely understand. You wanna know who
my
absentee parent is?”

“Who?”

“Paul McAbee. The frontman of Dark Hate Rising.”

My jaw drops. “
Paul McAbee
is your father? How the hell did I not know about you?”

A muscle in Dalton’s jaw juts out when he clenches it. “He doesn’t like to admit he has children he’s ignored for their whole lives.” Dalton’s hazel eyes burn with bitterness as his gaze travels out to the sea. “He pays for our place to live and our school tuition, but that’s about it. I even have to work for our food, since our uncle is a lazy piece of shit.”

“Oh my God…Dalton…” I place my hand on his shoulder, and he turns his head back to look at me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. Anyway, people like us have to stick together. That’s the reason Gio and I get along so well, and I’m sure that’s one thing that drew him to you too. We get each other. People who have never been through something this hard don’t understand. It’s like a whole different plane of living.”

I nod in response. He’s right. As much as I love Ana, I don’t think she fully understands what it’s like to go without a parent…although, if she ever comes out to her parents, she might lose both of them for good. Maybe she does get where I’m coming from.

“Well, good luck dealing with that fucked-up side of the family,” Dalton says.

“Thanks.” I sift sand through my fingers absentmindedly. Dalton receives a text message then, and he looks up and around, like he’s searching for someone. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Dalton swallows hard, getting nervous. “Uh…well…speaking of messes, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Okay…”

“I know who took your picture.” He looks back out at the ocean. “I don’t know who posted it online, but I know how it got out there in the first place.”

My eyes pop wide open, and my heart picks up pace. “Really? Who?”

Dalton sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. “It was Hayden…my friend, who you met that first day. I found out a few days ago, but I hesitated to tell you because he’s eighteen and I know your dad is probably going to put him in prison for it. He’s a family friend, and he’s been helping us with money, which is why it’s so hard to do this, but…you deserve to know the truth, and you deserve your restitution, so do what you gotta do.”

“Oh wow…thanks for telling me.” That revelation caused my limbs to tremble. I noticed Hayden eyeing me curiously both in the pool and at Gio’s party, and I wondered what his deal was. Now I know he’s a world-class creep.

“Are you all right?” Dalton asks.

“Not really.” I straighten my legs and take deep breaths, willing myself to calm down.

“I’m so sorry…I almost feel responsible.”

“No, don’t, it’s not your fault.” I lay a hand on his arm, surprised that I still feel so comfortable around him.

“So…what do we need to do now?”

“I guess I’ll just tell Dad who it was and let him make the call.”

Dalton nods. “Sounds fair. I…I hope this doesn’t hurt our chance to—”

“Not at all,” I respond, making him smile. “I will need some time to recover from all this bullshit before I join a band, though.”

“Do what you gotta do,” Dalton says. “I’ll wait for you as long as you need.” I return his smile weakly and stand from the beach to call Dad.

***

After the revelation on the beach, I stay inside for a few days to let the drama fade out. Dad takes care of everything for me, including calling for Hayden Turner’s arrest. My heart has been wrung so dry I can’t even type in my blog anymore. It hurts too much to admit I have emotions. I want to numb out more than ever before.

Jerica finds out about my desire to go numb through Ana, and she offers to take Ana and me to a club downtown. Just this once, I figure it won’t hurt, so Ana and I tell Dad we’re going to see a movie, and we swear up and down we’ll stay out of trouble. We take the Jag downtown and meet Jerica, and she gets us into an exclusive club just by being herself. Bypassing the line entirely, the three of us head straight to the VIP lounge, where Ana falls into Jerica’s lap and they immediately start making out.

“Horndogs,” I mutter under my breath with a smirk. I glance around at the ritzy chandeliers and flashing, colored lights and a smile cracks my face for the first time in days. Being friends with the girl who’s dating Jerica Valrey definitely has its perks. Funny that Ana’s connection was the first one to get us into a club instead of mine. I guess that’s just further proof of how she’ll always be better than me.

I sit down near them in the VIP lounge, and eventually Jerica detaches herself from Ana’s lips long enough to get us drinks. I order a variety of shots and enjoy the burn as I scarf them down a little too fast. Before I know it, I’m reeling from the effect of the alcohol. My body is tiny and I’m not used to liquor, so I’m definitely what people would describe as a lightweight. After four shots in twenty minutes, I’m pleasantly drunk, and Ana and Jerica take me out to the dance floor just to laugh at my failed attempts to dance.

Everything’s strangely fuzzy and ethereal. I know I have problems, but in this liquor-altered state, dancing to this admittedly sick beat, I don’t even care. I’m vaguely conscious of the other bodies jerking and bumping around me, but they’re not threatening anymore. In fact, they’re comforting. Everyone else is here to party, just like me. It’s like we’re all in this together so we can forget our troubles. I raise my hands in the air and cheer, feeling free for once in my life.

Free…until I see him at the bar, choking down a shot of straight whiskey.

Gio. We haven’t talked in a few days, and even in my somewhat-inebriated state, I can tell he’s miserable. He’s hunched over his drink at the bar, and his face is drawn and tense. All I want to do is run over to talk to him, but there are dozens of bodies in my way, and they keep blocking my view. Instead of walking over to him, like a sober person would do, I call out his name over and over until I catch his attention. He finally notices me, sets his glass down on the bar, and makes his way over to me.

“Hey!” Gio smiles, not bothering to hide how happy he is to see me. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to forget,” I say.

“Is it working?”

“Hell yeah! I feel amazing.”

Gio laughs. “I should have known this was coming. Going to clubs and getting drunk is my mechanism of choice too.”

“Mechanism?”

“Coping mechanism,” Gio explains.

“Oh…duh.” I laugh, pointing to my head. “I’m totally addled right now.”

Gio’s expression grows solemn. “Hey…do you think we could talk sometime? You know, when you’re not so ‘addled’?”

“Yeah, totally. We can talk tomorrow.”

“Good.” He smiles again. “I would dance with you, but I’m afraid I might kiss you.”

“I wouldn’t complain about that,” I say with a grin.

“It would be taking advantage of you, so this time I’m going to make you wait.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and backs away. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”