Did You Read That Review ? (34 page)

4 of 5 people found the following review helpful

The Gift that Keeps Giving

By
Now Ms. Independent
, May 1, 2013

It happened at a Christmas Eve party that one of my friends was throwing. In the middle of our merriment and much feasting on her homemade delicacies, we had a white elephant gift exchange. After dodging a weird banana slicer and a $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble (I mean, what even is that? It sounds like a cheap law firm), I ended up with a small rectangular box. I opened it and shrugged at the title that was printed on the book:
Microwave Cooking for One
. My ex-boyfriend that was across the circle jeered as he wrapped his arms around his new Korean girlfriend, who was wearing the completely wrong shade of lipstick, as she clutched onto the handmade Amish bonnet she had unwrapped. What she really needed was a new face, but hopefully the bonnet could at least attempt to hide her current one. The rest of the night was spent drinking and staying a safe distance from the mistletoe and the karaoke machine. When I left the next morning (apparently I wasn’t in the condition
to drive home), I nearly forgot to take my book—and what a shame that would have been. Over the next few days, I avoided the book. Calling for pizza or Chinese takeout was just better—I mean, the Chinese takeout boy was kind of cute—but then that fateful Tuesday happened. My account was in the red. What was I going to eat? Was I going to starve? The answer, my fellow Amazon users, is that I did not. Somehow I remembered the book,
Microwave Cooking for One
. I flipped it open and made my first gourmet microwaved meal: Eggs Florentine. I don’t know what the hell Florentine means, but it was amazing, and as I was eating, I came to the amazing conclusion that, yes, I could make dinners for one. I didn’t have to waste my time at parties and dinners with friends or trying to find a man that would treat me to dinner or maybe even offer to split popcorn at the movie theater. I could be independent! I only needed myself, a microwave, and this miracle book. I was suddenly a new woman. Soon I was quitting my job, deciding to work from home, and only needing to leave when I needed more supplies for these 5-star recipes. I even started a blog about the joys of indoors and how microwaves aren’t harmful to your reproductive organs. Besides even if they are, hey, what do I care? This book is the only baby I need. I even got a Netflix account and started watching all the shows that I would have been too embarrassed to watch before—like
Sister Wives
and
Extreme Couponing
and
Animal Hoarders
. Not only did this product help me cook for one, but it helped me come to terms with who that “one” was. Thank you,
Microwave Cooking for One
. It has been about four months now, and I couldn’t be happier. Without you, I might still be going out and wasting money on drinks with friends or spending time with someone who wouldn’t enjoy my microwaved Peach Soufflé or having to use the phone to get food or, god forbid, worrying about things like makeup and personal hygiene. This product has truly changed my life.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful

Don’t get carried away

By
M. Heiss
, April 10, 2013

Sure, through the miracle of microwave ovens, you *could* prepare EVERY dish on the cover of this cookbook all at once…But I caution you against doing so. See the glazed stare on the face of the Foxy Lady on the cover? It’s the Microwaves, man, the Microwaves. She tried to have 8 meals ready at once, and NOW look at her! Microwaves, I’m telling you. Can’t be too careful. Exercise restraint. Best plan:

1. Cook.
   
2. Eat.
   
3. Pause.
   
4. Cook again.
   

3.8 out of 5 stars

Name:
     
Canned Unicorn Meat

ASIN:
     B004CRYE2C

Price:
     
$12.99

No foolin’—Unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don’t know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn’s coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled, and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn’s outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes into each bite. We are confident you’ll find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn, which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you’re lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He’ll know what to do.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 20 people found the following review helpful

Must be fake due to severe shortage of virgins

By
Mjolnir
, July 9, 2013

It has long been known that a unicorn can only be captured by a virgin (female) sitting alone under a tree in a forest. Due to the virtual nonexistence of adult virgins and strict child labor laws, this product clearly must be a fraud.

1,218 of 1,233 people found the following review helpful

It’s delicious, but
…

By
Irma Gerd
, May 10, 2013

Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.

1,209 of 1,311 people found the following review helpful

The Agony of the Unicorns