Dirty Little Freaks (22 page)

Rev comes to me that night, but senses something has changed. He’s inside of me, on top of me, and I’m desperately trying to drive Hush from my body by using Rev’s, when he stops. “Are you alright?” he asks. I open my eyes and look at him, his earnest handsome face, and I burst into tears.

He rolls off me and take me in his arms. His kindness is more than I deserve, I am horrid for what I’ve done to him, I have given him false hope that there could ever be anything between us. I cry quietly, trying to force myself to calm down before I reach the snot filled, red-faced level of crying that I hate. He strokes my hair and whispers, “It’s ok. Everything will be ok.”

“It’s not ok,” I sob. “I am such a bitch.” I slide over and sit up, looking at him. He’s so cute and looks so genuinely concerned. I sniffle and manage to say, “I saw Hush today.”

His face goes dark, I’ve never seen Rev in a bad mood, he’s the happiest, funniest man I know, but I am worried I might have just pushed him too far. “Ok, where did you see him? Did you fuck him?” he asks slowly, carefully choosing his words.

I wince. “Of course I didn’t fuck him!” I say, “I saw him at school, he was in one of my classes.”

“Wait, he followed you to class? That’s fucking creepy.”

“He didn’t follow, he was doing a presentation. He’s actually a PhD student, can you believe it?” My voice is quiet, but I cannot hide the pride I feel at his accomplishment.

“Are you fucking kidding me? And this impresses you? For fucks sake Jade, the guy left you shattered! I’m the one who picked up the fucking pieces! I’m the one who’s been here for you, I can’t believe you!”

He’s really angry now, understandably so. What can I possibly say to him that’s not going to hurt him? Nothing really, so fuck it, I’m going in…”I know that, but it doesn’t matter. I love him. I’m in love with him. I like you so much...you’re hot and sweet and so fucking crazy in bed...but it’s just not there with us, you must know that by now.”

His lips are pressed tight in a thin line and he shakes his head. He gets off the bed and says, “I don’t need this shit. Enjoy life with your fucking liar.”

“Rev, come on, don’t be like that. I’m not going back to him. I’m just giving myself a chance to figure this out. You deserve a girl who wants to be with you one hundred percent.”

He’s putting his clothes on though, he slides his jeans on and I can’t help but admire his long, muscular legs. How did I never notice the tattoo going up the side of his thigh? It’s an incredible Asian tiger in vivid colours. It’s like I never really looked at him in all the time we spent together. I feel like even more of a piece of shit. I used him and I do care about him.

I jump out of bed and throw on an oversized tee shirt. He’s doing up his belt when I come to him. I stand in front of him; he is so tall I’m staring at his beautifully tattooed chest. How did I never notice this either? He’s really built, his pecs are covered in gorgeous tribal ink, swirling and linking up, celtic knots and a greek key pattern around his bicep. Have I been sleeping the entire time I’ve been fucking him? “Rev, look at me,” I demand, staring up at him. His jaw is twitching and his movements are jerky. He shrugs his shirt on and starts doing up the buttons.

“Get the fuck out of my way, I can’t look at you,” he says, his voice is low and full of hurt. I did that, and my heart feels like lead. I never wanted to hurt him, but I needed him.

“I like you, please don’t go, can we talk about this? I’m not with him,” I say weakly. We both know I’m lying. I might not be with him now, but it’s inevitable that I will be eventually. I can feel that coming like the vibrations of a freight train on the tracks. I will be slammed by Hush again, it’s not
if,
but
when
.

“Is this because I don’t have his money? I’m not a rich guy, but I love-” he says, and cuts himself off, “forget it, fuckin’ forget it.” He pulls his socks on and I notice how nice his feet are, clean and elegant looking. Weird, I usually notice things like that. Men always have such nasty feet.

“This has nothing to do with his money,” I say, “I don’t know why I feel this way, I just do. Sometimes when you meet somebody, you know they are meant to be in your life,” I continue. “I don’t know how to explain it to you, it just feels like he needs to be near me, and I need to be near him. I don’t want to hurt you, Rev, please look at me.”

He won’t, he walks to the door, pulls his boots on without lacing them and slides his arms into his leather jacket. He looks good but so hurt and angry, I hate to see him go, but I know I have to.

“I hope he doesn’t break you,” he says, finally looking at me. “I can’t be mad at you, Jade, I know you’re following your heart, but I can tell you that it’s taking you in the wrong direction.”

And with that he opens the front door and is gone. I feel like I should do something, like run after him, but I don’t. I walk back to bed, strip naked and climb under the covers. I feel relief that I’m no longer using somebody I care about, and that I’m free to see what happens with Hush, but I will miss the steady presence of Rev in my life.

I text Rev again, hoping I’ll hear back from him this time. It’s been three days and I worry I’ve lost his friendship forever. I still feel pretty shitty about how I handled the whole thing; I can’t believe I convinced myself that he could replace Hush in my life.

I have heard from Hush nonstop, but I barely reply to his texts and phone calls and emails and tweets and Facebook messages. He’s a man obsessed and I do kinda like it, but I also need to make sure he’s serious about us before I give in. I don’t know why I need to make him jump through a few more hoops before I bring him back into my bed, but I sense it’s important to make him realize how much he values me before I fuck him again.

I never want to be just his whore again. I want to be more, his everything, as important to him as he is to me. To make certain that I exist in his every cell as he does in mine. Until I’m sure of this, I can’t let my heart be torn from my chest again. I need to protect it.

I stretch my cramped leg, I’ve been sitting cross legged on my bed reading the college’s online catalogue on my phone for the last hour. I want to plan next term as soon as possible, before I wake from this dream. I still can’t believe that Jade Daniels, loser high school dropout, slut and boozy cokehead, is pulling straight A’s in college. I pinch myself just to be sure, then laugh at my goofiness. It’s pretty late, but I don’t have class in the morning so I’m good. I’m enjoying the silence of the empty apartment, something I never thought I would be able to do. I can occasionally hear the bitch upstairs walking here and there, but I’ve been doing my best to be nice to her. Eva was right, that cunt takes tap dancing lessons in stripper shoes, I swear. Whenever she’s angry, she stomps until I almost lose my fucking mind. Then I remember she’s got the power, like everything else in life, whoever’s on top is in charge. I usually like being topped, but not like this.

Mr. McAdams from downstairs has his TV cranked again. Thank god at least one of my neighbours is hearing impaired and still loves me. I hear the late night news signing off and smile. These small moments of peace are coming to me more often lately. I think I’m starting to appreciate the little shit that makes life special. Oh my God, I sound like a fucking greeting card, I need a swig of gin to wash the hippy dippy happiness out of my mouth. I feel like I just sucked a Care Bear’s dick, I’m so full of cute right now.

I get up and pad to the kitchen. I open the bottle, pour a drink and am startled by a tap tapping at my living room window. Since I’m on the second floor, this kinda scares the shit outta me. I cross the room and push the blind aside; Hush is standing out front with a handful of pebbles. He sees me and grins, holds up his hand and launches another one. Fuck, I wave at him to stop and he waves back like a goofy greeting. I hold my phone up and text him, “WTF r u doing?”

I see him grab his out of his pocket, read it and smile. He taps and hits send. My phone buzzes and I read, “Nada, wanna go for tea?”

I scowl at him and do my best to look perturbed. In reality my heart is pounding and my mouth feels dry. I text back, “whatevs, I’ll be down in a bit” and let the blind fall back in place. I reach over and turn out the living room light. I can see him on the front lawn waiting for me. He can’t see me. I watch him for a few moments, he looks nervous. He bounces on the balls of his feet and keeps looking at the phone. This pleases me. I don’t feel like our attraction is so lopsided if I know he’s waiting for me anxiously.

I rush to the bedroom and throw on something warmer, I look adorable if I must say so myself. Black tights, a long white cashmere sweater, a red belt and a black turtleneck. I know, very French exchange student, but a girl can branch out every once in a while. Besides, I found the sweater at the Laundromat’s lost and found. That place is like a clothing lotto!

It doesn’t matter how cute I am, I pull a long wool jacket over it all anyways. The one that makes me look like a human bell or a nun. Ha, a horny nun running off into the night with her punk rock fuck toy. I slip on a pair of boots and tiptoe back to the window. Hush is still there, he’s chewing on his fingernail looking up at the window. I let the blind fall, probably a little too fast, I’m sure he saw me. I should head down, but I wish I could sit up here a while longer and watch him. I feel like I’m on the verge of something special and I want to hang onto it a moment longer. Change is still scary, however much I want it to happen.

I lock up and head down to see him. He is at the front door when I get there his face lights up with a wide grin.

“Babe,” he says, “you look amazing.” He smiles and holds out his arms. I can’t help myself; I walk to him and sigh as he wraps them around me. We embrace like that for a few heartbeats, and for once my head takes control of my body and kicks my pussy into the backseat.

“Let’s get that tea,” I say or else I know I am seconds away from taking him upstairs and fucking him hard. I want to do that, but I need to know more about his time away.

We walk hand in hand to a small pub nearby, the same pub where we met Rev, and I feel a pang of sadness for my shitty behaviour. Since I know the place well, the guy behind the bar doesn’t bat an eye when we order our tea and settle at a quiet table in the corner. It’s pretty deserted close to midnight on a weeknight. He brings us our teas, we make some small talk and I love how Hush makes him laugh. He heads back to the bar and leaves us alone. I sip the hot liquid and watch Hush through half closed lids. His eyes are bright with excitement and he looks hotter, if that’s fucking possible. How does that happen? I end up looking like shit when he leaves, and he rubs it in by looking amazing. I don’t know if I would possess the will power to tell him “get off me” if he jumped my horny ass right here, right now.

“I know you have a tonne of questions,” he starts, “please ask me what you need to know. My life is now an open book, I’ve realized that I want to keep you by my side, so I will do whatever it takes.”

“Interesting, so I can ask you anything?” I ask, he nods yes, so I continue. “So what the fuck were you doing with us? With me? Was that just some kind of research project?”

“It was at first. I’m at UBC doing a PhD in anthropology. My dissertation addresses certain aspects of punk rock and the associated subculture. I knew those guys would never be honest with me if I let them know what was going on,” he says. “I didn’t want to do traditional field work and live in a hut somewhere, I wanted to follow my one love, music.” He continues, “You were so fucking unexpected. I knew the guys were kinda wondering about me, I hadn’t been screwing around with anyone, so I was planning on hooking up at some point anyways. But you…” he runs his hand over his head, smoothing his thick, dark hair. It’s once again pulled back into a ponytail, I miss his mohawk. “You knocked me flat on my ass. The first time I saw you, I was hooked. You were trying to jump that huge girl on the dance floor, Eva was screaming at me to save you,” he laughs, “and when I picked you up and you were still punching the air...fuck, you had me immediately.”

“Are you kidding? You were such a dick that night until you snorted coke in the bathroom!” I reply. Oh, the bathroom, his fingers all over me, inside of me. We’re both thinking about it, our silence speaks volumes, as we look hard at each other for a moment, daring the other to say it. Neither of us does.

“I needed a little sniff of confidence,” he says instead and grins. “You’re a very scary woman to approach. You looked like you were going to devour me that night.”

“I was probably planning on it,” I reply and smile. “So why exactly weren’t you screwing around with anyone before me?”

He pauses, takes a deep breath and says, “Ok, this is going to sound much worse than it is, really.” He pauses again, gives me a crooked grin and tells me, “I was engaged at the time.”

My stomach lurches and my hands feel cold. I grip the hot tea cup and bring it to my lips, look at him again through the steam and process this gigantic fucking bomb he just dropped in my happy place.