Dirty Little Freaks (23 page)

“Babe?” he says, he looks worried which is good. He should be worried. I don’t know if I can move past this. Engaged. I always swore I’d be an honest whore. I would slut around but never cheat. I saw how pathetic my mother was, sniffing after all her married lovers. I am equal parts angry, duped, and disgusted

“Say something,” he tells me.

“What do you want me to say?” I ask him, forcing my voice to be calm and icy. Inside my stomach is a snake pit of nerves and I feel sick. I watch his mouth but don’t hear what’s coming out, I just want to leave.

“Babe? Are you listening?” he asks, his eyes imploring me to reply. My mouth is stuffed with cotton though, and I can’t choke anything out. He was in love with somebody when he fucked me, what does he expect me to say?

Instead I respond with action, I get up, put on my jacket and walk away. He calls out to me and comes after me, but I keep moving forward. I could forgive him leaving me, he was getting his life together, but I cannot forgive him cheating.

“Jade, wait!” he calls my name again. I can hear him hastily throwing down some money on the bar before he follows me.

“Hey buddy, this is a hundred,” the guy behind the bar yells.

“Keep it,” Hush says back and rushes behind me into the night air.

“Jade, you have to stop!” he says and reaches me. I’m going as fast as I can without running, I don’t do running, especially in these heels. I should have worn flat boots, I could move faster, and kick his ass if I choose to. I am no match for his long strides. He grabs my hand and spins me around to look at him. His face is twisted with worry and the need to keep me with him. “You have to listen to me, don’t do this.”

“I am not doing anything, you’re the cheating asshole, not me,” I say, I keep my voice low but can’t stop it from quavering. “You had a fiancé? Somebody you were in love with? Somebody you were planning your future with? What happened, she dumps you so you come crawling back to me? I’m not your fucking consolation prize, I’m not fucking second best, so go home to your fucking princess and beg for her to take you back. You’re not wanted here.”

I turn to walk away again but don’t get far. There’s a part of me that needs to hear what he has to say. I turn back around and look at him, daring him to make things right.

“I broke it off with her, Jade. We never loved each other; it was for family appearance more than anything. I saw what my parents had...they never had love, they never had passion, and I thought that’s all that marriage was. I thought that all I could ever find would be meaningless sex with random women or a loveless marriage of convenience. I never knew I would find love...until I found you,” he tells me, looking me right in the eyes. His sincerity makes my heart soar and my pussy ache with longing. He loves me. “You showed me that I can have it all, I can have love and sex and somebody who is hot and hilarious and exactly the perfect woman for me. I explained this to Jillian, my ex fiancé, and I told her I want her to find somebody that makes her feel the way that I do. We’re still friends by the way, she would love to meet you some time if you’re ok with it.” He grins, that little lopsided one that makes him look like a guilty schoolboy. I’m softening as he speaks.

“Why didn’t you come back to me the minute you broke it off?” I ask, my voice a whisper.

“I wanted to finish my PhD and wrap everything up with my family. I also didn’t know if you were with Rev or not, but after I saw you in the classroom that day...I knew I didn’t care. I had to have you. The only thing standing in my way now is my fucking family. All I ever wanted was to play guitar and fucking party. I hate the life I’ve been forced into. I thought if I could shut my father up with my doctorate, he might indulge me a little by letting me play, and let me live my life with you,” he says, “I know it sounds stupid but it was the only way I thought I could escape my family.”

“Yeah, it is pretty stupid,” I say. “You should have told me everything from the beginning. You broke my heart rather than stand up to you father. That’s so messed up. Besides, it’s not like your family is that evil, right? They’re just bossy.”

“You don’t know my father,” Hush replies, “he’s a hard man to please. If he doesn’t get his way he gets violent, he-” his voice hitches and he cuts himself off.

“Did he beat you?” I ask, “Growing up? Was he abusive?” He reaches for my hand, then lets go and rubs his forehead.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, I don’t want you to think I’m trying to play on your sympathies. Let’s just leave right now for us,” he says, and I recognize the eyes of somebody who’s hiding a terrible family secret. My own eyes are reflected in his. I guess all those rich kids I envied over the years might not have had easy street after all.

“Of course,” I reply, “when are you going to finish your PhD?”

“I’m defending my dissertation next week,” he tells me, and our conversation falls short. I sense that he’s closed himself off after revealing his father’s abuse. I hate that this seems so fucking one sided, I’m expected to spill my guts all over the ground for him to pick through, and he retreats at the first sign of genuine emotion? Fuck that.

“Listen,” I tell him, “I know you think you love me, but I don’t know how you will ever prove it. I know I love you, but I’m not sure you know what love is and that scares me. You need to deal with some of your shit before we can do this, before there’s any hope of us together. I can’t be the only one willing to open up here, Hush, you need to share yourself with me.”

He looks stunned and opens his mouth to protest but I walk away before he speaks. Every shitty relationship my mother ever had comes tumbling back into my mind right now. Every single shitty thing she said about me, she called me or she screamed at her lovers as they left goes marching through my mind. The voices in my head match the rhythm of my footsteps...you’re worthless, you’ll never find love, you don’t deserve happiness. I feel strong, I know it took strength to walk away from Hush when he was clearly not ready to open himself to me, but a nagging doubt creeps in as I walk up to my apartment. As I slide my key into the door lock, I feel weak; the strength has left me. He was opening up to me, trying to share with me in his own way, and I ran away in the face of his stark honesty. I fucking suck at this relationship shit, maybe I don’t deserve to be happy after all.

By the time I’m naked and curled back in my bed, I’m sure I’ve lost him once and for all. I’m lying here in the dark and think about getting hammered, opening that bottle of gin and downing the entire thing to drown my sorrows. I allow myself to cry instead, then reach for my phone and text Hush, “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.” Apology and not getting blasted to hide from my emotions.

Maybe I’m not my mother’s daughter after all.

A couple of days go by and I hear nothing from Hush. I hate that I’ve done this, walked away from him because of my own idiotic insecurity, but I don’t text him again either. I am tired of this constant battle waging inside of me, one side wants him and one side is convinced I’m not worthy of him. They fight continually and at times I think I should become a fucking monk and live in a cave somewhere. Wait, I don’t have balls, so I guess that would make me a nun or something. I wonder if they’re allowed to live alone, I don’t think I could handle living in a big house with a bunch of other bitches.

I look at my phone as I get off the Skytrain. Fuck, I’ll be at least ten minutes late for my Friday shift at the Pussy Willow. Jag has been truly amazing since I started at college, and I do feel a pang of guilt at taking advantage again. He should know by now that I’m pretty much never on time, but him being so instrumental in pushing me towards school has altered the nature of our relationship. I hate feeling beholden to him, but I know he doesn’t feel the same way, so it’s tolerable.

I need to stop letting my knee jerk reaction rule my emotional life. Look what it did with Hush. I behaved like a bipolar freak the moment we began to move to another level in our relationship. Is it even a relationship? I have no idea. I want him but I’m scared. I never knew I was such a fucking pussy until he came into my life.

“Hey Jag,” I chirp as I walk through the door. He waves and starts packing up his briefcase immediately. I never noticed before, but it’s a nice briefcase. I think of Hush’s thick arms and feel like crying.

“Jade, how are you ever going to make it in the real world if you can’t even show up on time for this job?” Jag starts in on me right away. It’s weird, I never thought about my father, or lack thereof, until recently. Jag fills some kind of space for me, he lectures me and watches out for me. I think I’ll miss him when I finally leave this place. Until then, I’ll continue to put him through hell.

“Whatever, I’ll buy this place from you in five years and turn it into a frozen yoghurt stand,” I smile and move behind the counter. “So do I have much clean up tonight?”

“No, it’s been pretty slow for a Friday, you’re in luck,” he smiles back and picks up the rest of his things. “I’ll see you on the flip side.”

“See ya!” I tell him as he rushes out the door. Wait a minute, flip side? Is he finally picking up a few slang words here and there from me? Awesome.

A few minutes later the door buzzer goes off and I look up from my reading. It’s a pudgy young guy with long stringy hair pulled back into a ponytail. He does his best to not make eye contact as he shuffles to the magazine rack. I wonder about these guys who still buy magazines, there’s so much free porn online these day, I don’t know why they buy it. To each his own I suppose.

He approaches the counter and slides several spank mags across the surface at me. His shirt catches my eye; it’s a snug black tee shirt with the image of howling wolves on the front. Scrolling text above it, right across his man boobs, reads something like, “There are two wolves battling inside of you, one is fear and one is love. The wolf that survives depends on which one you decide to feed.”

It’s the most profound fucking thing I think I’ve ever read. I must be suffering from grade A certifiable PMS because I fucking swear a single tear slips down my cheek.

This sums up everything I’ve been feeling these last few days, I am fighting a battle with my cheesy seventies spray-painted howling wolves, and I don’t know which one to feed. Fear keeps me running, it keeps me nervous and insecure...and alone. I need to start feeding my love wolf, the one I need to win in order to be happy and successful...and to open myself to Hush and all the possibilities he offers.

All from the tackiest mother fucking tee shirt I’ve ever seen and some scrolling text across a nice set of moobs. Fuck, typical in the life of Jade Daniels.

“Excuse me,” pudgy guy says and clears his throat. “While I do enjoy the obvious attention you are giving my fine, quality tee shirt, I would like to purchase my masturbatory materials so I might go home and partake in a self love session.”

I stare at him in disbelief and crack the fuck up. I laugh so hard that I can’t breathe, tears roll down my cheeks and I try to compose myself. I am still chuckling as I ring his purchases up and tell him, “That will be eighteen forty eight.” Dude doesn’t even crack a smile the entire time, and he’s lucky he leaves with his brown paper bag clutched to his chest, or I think I might jump from behind the counter and give him one hell of a hug. First for the revelation into my personal emotional crisis, second for making me laugh my ass off.

A few hours go by and I pass the time reading for my finals, they’re coming up faster than I would have ever imagined. Look at me, studying for final exams like I think I’m people.

The door buzzer sounds and I look up.

It’s Hush, beautiful, glorious, fucking dead sexy Hush. I almost expect a Hollywood romance movie soundtrack to start playing this is all so perfect

“Hey babe,” he smiles, his gorgeous lopsided smile. He holds up a Starbucks container and paper bag. “I brought you a chai latte and an oat square.”

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting to see you…” I trail off and fight the urge to scream at him or fall on my knees and beg his forgiveness. I think about that stupid shirt and focus on the positive, the love I feel for him and the love I hope he feels for me.

“I wanted to wait a couple of days before I came over. It was looking pretty ugly,” he says and sets the chai and paper bag on the counter.

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused by his statement.

“Hang on,” he replies and takes his leather jacket off. He’s wearing a simple black tee shirt underneath, his muscular arms are exposed and it hugs his delicious chest. I notice a white bandage on his left forearm.

“What’s that?” I ask and point at the bandage.

“This,” he says and smiles while easing the tape off the sides, “is what I want to show you.” He pulls the bandage back completely and there on his gorgeous, muscled arm is my name. It’s nestled in among his other ink, a beautiful black script spelling JADE. I’ve never loved my name as much as I do at this moment
, seeing it in solid black with delicate green edging on his body.