Dissolve (10 page)

My body tingles, every hair on my neck standing on end at the low tone of his voice. I want his lips again, but this time I want them everywhere - they’ve been haunting my thoughts for days. I lean in and capture his lips with my own. He invades my mouth instantly, a feral hunger in the way he snakes his hand to the back of my neck and twists his fingers in my hair. He tastes like vodka and sugar, chocolate and salt, everything sweet and sharp at once. I have to feel more of him - I run my hands under his shirt and across his smooth, warm skin. This is Kai Jackson. This is how he feels, how he tastes - the drop-dead gorgeous boy who’s set me on fire. In my eagerness, my hand brushes a little too low, the rock-hard ridge there startling me. He pulls away from the kiss, hissing lowly.

“Shit. This is what you do to me, lioness. I didn’t want you to know that.”

I can’t even feel my blush with how hot my body has gotten at this point.

“S-So what?” I manage. “I bet you get them all the time.”

“Not like this. Not with anyone else. It’s like this every time I see you smile, or laugh. Moral of the story; I’m a sick fucking perv and you deserve better.”

“But I’m not -” My voice cracks. “Me? Why me? I’m not your type.”

“You are exactly my type,” he groans. “You’ve always been -”

He stops himself, his expression pained; whether from the tension in his jeans or some internal emotional conflict, I can’t tell.

“Everything I touch I ruin,” He continues. “And I refuse to ruin you.”

I lean and kiss him again, that same wildfire rushing through my veins - hotter and hotter with every second our lips touch. I pull away.

“What if I want you to ruin me?”

He stares at me for only a moment, and the next second I’m on my back, my hands undoing the zipper of his fly and his fingers unclasping my bra expertly. Pure adrenaline shoots through me as his thumbs glance under my bra and over my nipples. He pulls me in for another kiss, this one so much softer than the last, yet darker. He bites at my bottom lip, pulling it gently, and the pleasure-pain jolts me down to my core. This can’t be happening. Kai Jackson can’t want me as much as I want him. But a sick, small part of me knows he’ll leave. A part of me knows this is him just using me like he uses every other girl. But I want to be used by this beautiful boy. I want to be touched by him, loved by him, if only for a few moments, and if only in an illusion. I want to be loved by
someone
- I want the horrible memories to be replaced by better ones. It’s not much, but this is a start.

And right now, it feels like the end, too. It’s everything. Everything warm and amazing in the world, everything I’ve been missing. He kisses a trail down my neck, to my collarbone, and I pull my shirt over my head. He sucks in a sharp breath as his two-tone eyes take in my breasts, and I start to cover them when he smirks.

“Here, let’s make it even.”

He pulls his shirt off, every inch of his glorious olive-tone chest revealed in the low-light. It’s toned and lean, and begs to be touched. I run my hands over him, and he chuckles in low approval. He leans in and kisses his way up my stomach, to the bottom of my breasts, and envelopes one of my nipples with his hot mouth. And then suddenly, he’s everywhere - his mouth and tongue tracing patterns in my skin, his fingers pulling my hips closer and my pants down.

“For the record,” He laughs. “I think these are adorable.”

I flush. “Shut up.”

“Seriously,” He leans up and kisses me under my ear, sending a tingle through my whole body. “Just like you.”

“I don’t want -” I struggle to breathe. “I don’t want to be adorable. I want to be sexy like… like all the other -”

I chew on my lip, reality seeping through a little. Like all the other girls, I want to finish. A frown mars Kai’s beautiful face, and he puts his hands on either side of my face.

“I told you, lioness - you’re the only one. You always have been.”

I can’t resist his lips. I kiss him with everything I have, and his soft groan against my lips makes my body burn hotter.

“My name is Evelyn,” I insist. “You can say it.”

“I do,” He breathes. “I have. I’ve said it over and over again, when no one’s around. Shit - I’ve said it every night since I saw you in the club.”

“Say it now,” I whisper. To my surprise, he pins my wrists together with one of his hands and bites my neck, not hard enough to break skin, but just hard enough to remind me I’m his. He kisses the bite immediately, as if to apologize for something I liked in the first place.

“Evelyn,” He murmurs. His kisses move down again, past my belly, to the apex of my thighs. “Evelyn. Oh god,
Evelyn
.”

His fingers dip below my panties, and I’m suddenly aware of how childish they are - white, with a tiny red bow. He has to know by now how inexperienced I am. What can I offer the other girls can’t? Why me? If I kiss him more, maybe I’ll find the answer. If I search his body with my hands, maybe it’ll become clear. I can’t help the moan that escapes when his fingers dive lower, teasing me mercilessly. I’m too embarrassed to look at him, but when I manage to, I see his eyes riveted to my face, watching my every squirm and moan.

“I want you to feel the same way you make me feel,” He says. “I want to drive you crazy the way you drive me crazy.”

His fingers move faster, hitting some deep part of me that has my toes curling.

“K-Kai -”

“There we go,” He laughs. “Now it’s your turn to say my name.”

A ball of electric pleasure coils up in me, and my legs quiver as my voice gets louder. Kai silences me with a kiss, then murmurs in my ear.

“Come, Evelyn. Let me see you come.”

Everything explodes at once, sparks erupting all over my skin as my vision goes white for a split second. The pleasure drowns everything, but it can’t drown the sound of my own shivering gasp that sounds only vaguely like a real word - his name. He laughs as he withdraws, sounding pleased with himself. I languish, trying to get my heartrate under control, watching him through fuzzy vision as he takes something from his jeans and unwraps it. My eyes focus all at once on his rock-hard cock, proud and swollen with need. He slides the condom onto it in a smooth motion, but I reach out for it, pulling his narrow hips close.

“Oh?” He lifts a brow. “Do you really want me that badly?”

I pout. “Y-You insufferable -”

His laugh is warm, and he kisses me again. “-bastard. I know, I know.”

Our rhythm together is slow, luxurious, like he’s taking all the time in the world. But I want more. I want more right now, faster. But he ignores my demands, smirking with every stroke.

“I told you,” Kai says. “I’m going to drive you just as crazy as you drive me. Until then, you’re mine. Every inch of you is mine to tease, to kiss, to fuck.”

His words send a pleased spasm through me, and it resonates in my body. He must feel it, because his mouth drops a little and he glares down at me.

“That’s cheating.”

“I didn’t -” I pant. “I’m not -”

His glare turns to a smile as he captures my lips with his. “Aha. I get it - you didn’t have any control over that, did you? God, you’re fun.”

I can barely think straight, let alone construct a sentence. And he doesn’t give me time to recover - teasing my nipple with his tongue as he plunges deeper. My rational mind is screaming at me - Kai Jackson is taking me in this motel bed like he’s taken a million other girls. I’m not special. I’m not someone he likes. But as his thrusts send sparks shooting straight into my veins and I see white, I forget it all - the worry, the stress, the loneliness, and all that’s left is Kai’s name.

SEVEN

My head is killing me.

I wake up slowly, achingly. Every part of me feels heavy, comfortable, at ease. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve woken up feeling good. I can’t remember having a nightmare, at the very least. I wish it was like this always.

My joy at how good I feel is quickly erased when I see the motel clock, and the empty bed beside me. Last night comes flooding back, and I pull the sheets off my body to confirm it. Sure enough, I’m naked. And alone. Kai is nowhere to be seen. Every trace of him is gone from the motel - the morning sun slanting through the blinds and highlighting his absence. No snack food wrappers. No clothes strewn around the floor haphazardly. His boots are gone. I wrap the sheet around me and peel the blinds apart to see the parking lot - sure enough, his motorcycle isn’t there.

A poisonous dart lodges somewhere in my stomach. He left. He used me, and left me, like all the other girls. No matter how passionate his kisses, no matter how much he swore he wanted me, that I was the only one, he left.

How easy was it for him, I wonder? He’d definitely had plenty of practice doing it. I’m sure I was the easiest to leave of all the girls - he probably hated the sex. Inexperienced. That’s the only thing I am in bed, and he knows that, now. He knows I’m not worth sticking around for. I’m not worth his time. Like every other guy, he got what he wanted, and now he’s gone.

I start laughing, and it echoes in the empty room. How stupid can I get? I knew he was using me the whole time, and yet for one moment, the look in his eyes when he leaned in to kiss me -

I shake my head. No. That was a trick of the light, an imagined fantasy on my part. Kai Jackson is a liar, and a womanizer, and I had to go and learn that lesson the hard way. Serves me right for trusting anything a man says.

My anger fuels me more and more as I shower off the smell of him and furiously pack up my things. I’m angry, but I’m disappointed in myself most of all. I should’ve known better. Me, of all people! Evelyn Wright doesn’t trust men, not ever, but the one moment she does? One moment of weakness and it all comes crashing down.

I have enough for a cab home. The cabbie, maybe sensing I’m pissed off, doesn’t try to make small talk. When I’m finally home, Trist gone to work, I storm around the empty apartment with a sponge and windex, furiously cleaning everything I can get my hands on. I throw my clothes from the motel in the wash, my hand lingering on the puppy pajama pants. Kai’s voice echoes for a split second.

‘For the record, I think these are adorable.’

Was that all I was to him? An adorable pastime? A cute nothing? A naive, simple fool?

Trist comes home, and I play like nothing’s wrong. Because nothing is wrong. Everything went according to how it should’ve, to how reality goes - the playboy fucks a girl with trust issues and leaves her to fall to pieces. I told him I had issues. He listened. He was respectful - for all of two seconds, before he just dove into my pants anyway.

No, a small voice in the back of my mind insists. That’s unfair. You both wanted it. He didn’t use you. You know full well it was mutual lust. You just expected too much of someone you have no right expecting things from. Kai is Kai, and you are you. He’s not your boyfriend - he never was. You were never in love together. He owes you nothing. You owe him nothing.

So what now? I ask my ceiling in the quiet moments before bed that night. Where do we go from here?

We keep going, my inner voice says. We go back to being alone, like we always were. It’s where people like us - fucked up and unlovable people - belong. No more hope. No more trying. Just pull the loneliness around you like armor again and stay inside of it, where it’s safe.

He’s broken me.

He’s broken an already-shattered girl.

I curl up, and the nightmares come for me with teeth like razors, shredding at my soul.

***

People who say time heals everything are full to the brim with bullshit. Then again, so am I.

I bullshit my way through the rest of the month - burying myself in textbooks and the library and note-taking. My professors love me - even the crotchety, hard to please ones eventually come around when you turn everything in on time and do as much supplementary work as you can. My GPA is 4.0 at the end of the semester, and I intend to keep it that way. I try to keep myself busy so my mind doesn’t linger on the past. There’s nothing for me back there, except disappointment and shadows and self-hate. I start going to the gym with Trist, and ignoring my Dad’s calls. I miraculously land a job as a secretary at a corporate office downtown, and the steady income lets me take out a good loan for my tuition.

I want to be better - better than the girl Kai deceived, better than the foolish girl who wasn’t smart enough to realize she was being lied to. I try to put myself together, piece by piece. And while I struggle, months pass.

I haven’t seen He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, as Trist took to calling him after I told her what happened between us. I didn’t want to tell her at the beginning, but as it ate away at me more and more, I started lashing out at home at the slightest things, and she stopped me and asked what was bugging me. I felt ashamed for taking my frustrations out on her, and told her everything. Like the perfect human being she is, she forgave me. Anyway, I haven’t seen Kai on campus since that night, but that could easily be because I haven’t left the library or done anything social other than hang out with Trist. I thank god for it, though. If I saw him even in passing I don’t know what I’d do – laugh? Cry? I don’t want to seem any weirder to the people at school than I already do.