Dissolve (11 page)

It was a few weeks, my rational brain coaxes me. Not months, not years. You knew each other for a few weeks. It was lust, and nothing more. People deal with these screwy hormones all the time - and now you’re one of them. Maybe you just bloomed late. Maybe Kai was the only one in the world who can set you off like a firecracker - despite your past, despite your pain. The latter thought only makes me more miserable, so I shut that part of my brain up the old-fashioned way - with a drink.

Trist’s birthday parties are never small affairs. They take up whole houses, filled to the brim with exciting people - people with purple hair, people with tattoos so dark you can barely see the original color of their skin, people in bands and artists with shows in galleries. Trist knows people from every walk of life, and they’ve all come to our place to celebrate her birthday. Trist made five different kinds of chip dip, I cleaned the place from top to bottom, and we both went out to buy a bunch of booze. I circle the party semi-awkwardly, feeling extremely uncool compared to Trist’s friends. The party crowds our apartment with heat and noise, but Trist manages to worm her way through the crowd and yell over the music to me.

“Hey! We can out of plastic cups! Do you mind running out and getting some? I have to cut the cake.”

“Sure!” I shout, welcoming the chance to escape the chaos. I grab my purse and step outside, relishing the cold air that hits my face. The corner store isn’t far, and neither is it busy. I grab the cups and stand in line at the cashier.

“Evelyn?”

I look up at my name. Hayley, practically glowing in a simple t-shirt and jeans, smiles at me.

“Oh hey,” I say. “What are you up to?”

“Grabbing some weekend work snacks,” She motions to the stack of bananas, cookies, and chips on the conveyor belt in front of her. “How’ve you been? It’s been forever! I’ve been so busy with work we haven’t been able to talk much. Sorry.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We’re talking now, right?”

She smiles. The cashier rings her up, and she waits while I’m being rung up. The only thing I can think about is how she gave Kai’s number to me instead of her own. Why would she do that? I’ve tried to figure it out these past few months, wracking my brain for reasons. Our facebook convos had petered off, and I suspected it was because she thought I was mad at her for giving me Kai’s number. Now’s the chance to clear things up with her. The old me would’ve just stewed in suspicion, but the new me, the me I’m working hard to be, wants clarity and truth and fairness.

I walk up to her, trying a grin.

“Hey, I know this might be weird to ask, but do you remember when we first met in that coffee shop?”

“Of course.”

“Why did you give me Kai’s number instead of yours?”

She flinches, but I quickly backtrack.

“I’m not mad, okay? Seriously. I’m just curious as to why you did it.”

“I thought –” She bites her lips. “After the way he stared at you at the club, I was jealous. It was petty of me, I know. God, I’m sorry. I wanted him to know I knew he was looking at you like that, like it would hurt him or something. And then I got to know you, and we talked more, and I realized you were a cool person and I felt even worse.”

“So you’ve been avoiding me.”

“Yeah. God, I’m an idiot.” She palms her forehead. “If you don’t talk to me again, I’ll understand.”

“I told you, I’m not mad,” I can’t help my laugh. “I mean, I was weirded out when it was him who answered, but it’s not worth not talking to an awesome person.”

“Awesome? More like idiotic,” She grumbles.

“Now you sound like me,” I say.

“Good.” She sets her chin. “I’d rather be anybody but me right now.”

I take a deep breath. “Hey, there’s a party going down at my place. Do you wanna come?”

She looks down at her clothes, and I wave her off.

“No, it’s seriously relaxed. It’s my roommate’s birthday party – no dresses required. We can hang out, catch up. And there’s artichoke dip.”

Her eyes flash, a smile on her lips. “You just said the two magic words I can’t resist.”

“Hang out?”

“No - artichoke dip.”

We both laugh. She follows me back to the apartment, and I introduce her to a wary Trist. Once Trist sees how easily Hayley and I talk, though, the wariness is gone from her face, replaced by a smile. When Trist’s party dies down, and the few people left drag Trist to a bar to celebrate more. Hayley and I are eventually the only ones left in the living room, nursing cups of boozy fruit punch and eating her Cheetos.

“My Mom just keeps telling me to stop the ‘toy building’ thing,” She rolls her eyes. “But I love it.”

“Ugh, parents,” I sigh. “They always have to stop you from doing what you want.”

“Exactly! My plan is, make a buttload of money, and then when he asks where I got a nice apartment or car, I’ll look at him square in the eyes and say; ‘building toys’.”

I laugh and clap my hands. “Perfect.”

We chew for a while, and then she speaks.

“So – what happened with you and Kai, anyway? I mean – I know I have no right to know, but I still feel sort of guilty about it.”

This is the second time someone’s asked. It took me so long to tell Trist, but this time feels somehow easier. Hayley and I have only recently reconnected, but I still feel like if I tell her, I’ll feel better about it. More able to move on. And I’m desperate to do that.

So I tell her. I tell her we slept together, and he left the next morning without a word. Hayley is sympathetic.

“God, I’m sorry. He’s such an ass.”

“Do I –” I swallow. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“Not at all,” She puts her hand on mine. “He’s just a douchebag. He did the same thing to me, and he’s done the same thing to two other girls I know. It’s not your fault he’s a serial playboy. It’s how he his. He’s going to be like that until he dies.”

“Can you imagine?” I mutter. “He’ll be eighty and still doing this.”

“All gross and old,” She adds, laughing and mimicking an old man’s voice. “What’s that Serena? My dick’s too wrinkly for you?”

I can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. My chest feels somehow lighter. Making fun of him makes me feel better, so obviously I’m a terrible person, but so is he. And I’m never falling for his tricks again, that’s for sure.

When the morning creeps in the windows, I realize Hayley and I have been talking all night. She crashes on our couch, and I retreat to my room feeling a lot better. I’ve made another friend in Hayley, I like to think.

Even so, the nightmares keep me up. After only a half-hour of sleep, I jolt awake, covered in a cold sweat. No matter how hard I try, I can’t fall asleep again. My mind flashes back to the last time I had a gentle, easy rest – the motel. That was it. No amount of sleeping pills or booze can help me sleep as well as I did that night.

But it’s never happening again. So I shove my head under my pillow and try desperately to fall back asleep. It doesn’t work. It never does.

***

“You look amazing!” Mom cries out. I ease from around the dress shop changing door sheepishly, picking at my long, black sequined dress.

“You think?”

“Absolutely stunning,” Mom agrees. “I’m going to the Hildebrant dinner in cream, and you’re going in black. We’ll make the perfect pair – like piano keys!”

I laugh, and we take our dresses to the cashier. The mall on Saturday is busy, people swarming the smoothie and jewelry shops. Couples make-out on benches and in front of movie theaters, their hands entwined, and for a second a flash of hot jealousy runs through me, but I push it away. Mom must see me staring, because she nudges me in the ribs much like Trist does.

“The one thing we haven’t talked about today is boys.”

“Mom, please,” I groan. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“You’ve got a good part-time job, your grades are getting so much better,” Mom ticks things off on her fingers. “You’ve got my good looks! Your future is so bright. Why not think about sharing it with someone?”

“I told you back in high school,” I sigh. “I’m not interested in dating.”

“Honey, all teenagers are.”

“I’m almost twenty! I’m not a teenager anymore.”

“Have you even had your first kiss?”

“Mom!” I flush. “Please. I just want to focus on finishing school for now, okay?”

“Oh, alright.” Mom pouts, almost childishly. “I’ll just have to ignore my dreams of having grandbabies to watch.”

I roll my eyes, and she brightens, patting my arm.

“You know I’m so proud of you, right honey?”

I deflate a little. “Yeah. I know you are.”

“Your father is, too.”

“Great. Good for him.”

“I understand how difficult a man he is,” Mom says. “So I don’t blame you for avoiding him. My own mother was awful, I know I’ve told you that. If you have to cut him out of your life, I’ll understand. I’ll be sad for him, but I’ll understand.”

“I know you do,” I whisper. “Thank you.” I hug her around the waist, and we make for our usual Italian restaurant in a close, comforting silence. We settle at our table, and order two iced teas. The smell of delicious marinara has my mouth practically watering, so I don’t notice the person at the table over until it’s too late. His wild, dark hair and mismatched eyes still send my treacherous heart racing. He’s wearing an AC/DC shirt and dark jeans, his leather jacket slung on the back of his chair – the same jacket he draped around my shoulders. He’s looking over a menu quietly, his long fingers wrapping around a cool glass of water and drinking a little. My memories of kissing that throat assault me, and I clench the napkin in my lap.

Kai Jackson.

EIGHT

“Eve? Are you alright?” Mom asks, looking to where I am. “Do you know him?”

“No.”

“He is rather handsome, isn’t he? And he to be about looks your age.”

“Just drop it, please.”

“Oh? You’re talking like you know him, honey.”

Mom’s voice is louder, just loud enough to grab his attention. He swivels his head over to us, his green eye and brown eye widening when we meet gazes.

“Eve?” His voice is as low and melty as I remember, but a little hoarse.

“You know him!” Mom hisses, then raises her voice and smiles at Kai. “Hi there. I’m Eve’s mom, Patricia. Do you two know each other?”

My fingernails dig into my palms again, the napkin too thin to withstand my anger. I don’t want to be here, my internal voice screams. I want to be anywhere on earth but here – India, the moon, an active volcano. I can’t even look Kai in the eyes, my gaze darting everywhere else.

“We – ” He clears his throat. “We have a class together.”

“Really?” Mom smiles at me. “You never told me that.” She turns back to Kai. “I have to insist you eat with us. I’ve met so few friends of Evelyn’s, it would be a pleasure.”

I stand quickly, eyeing the bathroom. If I can make it there -

“I was just leaving,” Kai interrupts before I can run for it. “Thank you for the offer, though, Patricia. Have a nice night.”

He grabs his leather jacket and nods at Mom, and I can feel his eyes as they scrape over my skin. He turns, making for the exit. Mom faces me with bewilderment.

“What a strange boy. Who was that, honey?”

“He’s a coward,” I whisper, too low for her to hear. Now that he’s gone, the anger bubbles higher in me. How dare he slip away again? How dare he not even apologize to me? I grab my purse and rush out after him, Mom calling my name. I stand on a bench, scouring the sea of the mall crowd for his head. There – he’s walking towards the parking garage. I jump off and double my pace, shoving past an overweight man and a too-slow couple. The man of the couple grabs my shoulder with an indignant squawk.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing, elbowing me like that? That hurt!”

“Let go of me,” I snap.

“I said,
that hurt
!” He says louder, drawing attention. He’s at least a head taller than me, and broader. His girlfriend pulls at his arm, begging for him to forget about it, but he ignores her. “Are you gonna apologize to me or what, bitch?”

Shit
. I don’t need this right now.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Now let me go.”

“I don’t think so,” He snarls. “Fifty bucks.”

“What?”

“Fifty bucks, and I won’t call security on you. My dad owns a store here – do you know how fast we could sue you? Make it easy on yourself.”

I’m flabbergasted, struck silent at his idiocy. I try to yank my arm free, but he just tightens his grip. I can feel it forming a bruise. The crowd around us lowers their eyes when I look to them for help, bustling on their way, trying to stay out of it.

“Where’s your wallet?” The man barks. “I’ll take the money out for you, since I’m such a nice guy -”

There’s a flesh smacking sound, and suddenly the man lets go of my arm and staggers back, clutching his reddening face.

“What the fuck was that for?” He yells at someone behind me. I turn to see a leather jacket, and mismatched eyes locked on the guy. It’s Kai, but instead of being relieved to see him, I’m terrified. His face is carved in darkness, eyes narrow and lips pressed tight. I’ve never seen him so angry before. His jaw clenches and unclenches as he speaks.