Authors: Eileen Cook
“Ah ha! But it was a bait and switch. Most women during the dating phase are all too happy to act like they’re Betty Crocker’s love child. They bake you homemade pies, they iron your shirts. They flit around like Suzy Homemaker. Then once they’ve got their claws into you,
then
the chart comes out.” Colin looked up at the clock and gave the nod to Avita through the glass. “We’ll take your calls after this message from our sponsors. Guys, help me out here, is your woman asking you to perform like a circus animal for a gold star?”
“We’re out,” Avita, our producer, said. I could see Diana sitting behind her clapping. She loved it. The sound guy, Darin, had clearly taken to her and let her push the button for the commercial.
“Spawn of Betty Crocker?”
“Did you like that? It just came to me.” He gave me a wink.
“It is quite possible that you are the most frustrating man alive.” I shuffled my papers looking for the stats I’d found on how much more housework women do compared to men. Getting angry wasn’t going to help. I would back up my points with research. I might have to act like his girlfriend, but I didn’t have to act like a fool.
“Aw, thanks. It’s good to know I got what it takes to work you up.”
“You don’t work me up.”
“Sure I do. You’re breathing hard.”
“I am not,” I said, trying to slow my breathing. I knew he said half these things because it was part of his online persona, but it still annoyed me. I doubt Diane Sawyer allowed people to get to her this way. You never see her screeching at Dan Rather or taking Brian Williams down in a flurry of flying fingernails.
“You ended up bringing the kid.” He nodded toward the sound booth.
“It’s important for her to be exposed to things. I believe in the usefulness of the program.”
“I suspect you do find it useful.”
“What the heck is that supposed to mean?”
“Hey, you two, save it for after the break,” Avita chided. “If you’ve got time to snipe, take time to look through the call board.” Colin gave her the aye-aye captain salute and
began
scrolling through the monitor. I tapped my foot on the floor and tried to keep the steam coming from my ears.
“I know you’re just trying to rile me up.”
“You do better when you’re mad. You let yourself go. It’s when you’re doing your ice princess thing that you bug me. I like you mad. Your freckles get all hot.”
“They do not.”
“Do too.”
You’re acting like a child.”
“I know you are, but what am I?” he said.
“You have got to be joking.”
“Am I going to have to stop this radio show? Pull it over?” Avita interrupted. “We are trying to show the younger generation what a professional show looks like. Now if I have to, I’ll come in there and split that studio down the center with tape and the first person who crosses it will be grounded.”
“Of course, Avita,” Colin said sweetly, and then stuck his tongue out at me when she looked away. I burst out laughing and then stuck mine back out at him. He stuck his fingers in the corner of his mouth and yanked it wide. I was just about to make a face back when I heard the theme music come up. I pulled my headphones back on and looked over. Colin gave me a smile and the finger gun. We were back on. And today we were on. I could feel it. It didn’t matter why. What mattered is racking up another good show with the ratings to match.
Friday afternoons are when we have station-wide meetings. Attendance is mandatory. Although it is not officially posted anywhere, it is also well-known that the meetings must be so boring that you are willing to consider plucking your own eyes out in an effort to have some form of stimulation. I considered begging off as Diana was still with me. They couldn’t expect me to bring the nation’s youth in and show them the depth of boredom present in gainful employment, could they? On the other hand, Wayne would be attending the meeting. I convinced Diana that Rooster would be fine in my cubicle for another hour. When she last checked on him he had been chewing on a pair of my gym shoes he had found. He had reduced the highly engineered shoes, designed to cradle and shape my feet in gel comfort, into tiny aero soled confetti. He was flossing with the laces. I tossed in half of my sandwich from lunch (I already gave Diana the other half) to keep the dog from turning to chewing on anything else. Hopefully the meeting would have donuts. I was starving.
The purpose of the meeting appears to be to allow station management the opportunity to lecture the rest of us about how lucky we are to work at KYTZ and how roughly six gazillion people are in the wings begging for the opportunity to do our jobs and they would
pay
the station for the privilege instead of being ingrates like ourselves. When I first started at the station I had pictured meetings with a cloud of hazy smoke hanging over the boardroom table while we hashed out important news events and prepared to take down unjust systems and evil doers. No such luck, it is less
Good Night
,
and Good Luck
and more company religious revival.
The part I hate the most is the review by the sales department. I understand that radio stations live and die on advertising dollars, but what I hate is when I have to be involved in the process. Instead of leaving us out of their dirty work, the sales force is always drafting us to record the advertisements. Given our newfound popularity, I spent afternoons in the studio with Colin recording advertisements for car dealerships where I was supposed to sound near orgasmic over refinancing options.
“
You can’t be serious, Colin! Zero percent down and zero percent financing! Why, that’s something even
we
can agree on
!” All of this had to be said in a fake cheery voice. All of the scripted dialogue ends in exclamation points. Sales people are huge fans of exclamation points. They have a woeful dearth of more moderate punctuation among the sales team. I suspect they’re the only people who enjoy the staff meetings. They’re always high fiving each other and yelling out “’Atta boy!” when new accounts are announced as if they personally gave birth on the conference table. I suspect they’re always disappointed that the rest of us don’t share in their glee.
Luckily for me I perfected the ability to spend one percent of my brain capacity on the meeting and ninety-nine percent on vital issues such as what I needed to get from the grocery store, the status of my fingernails, and checking my cell phone every two minutes to see if another text message had come through from Jonathon. He had called (twice!) when I was in the studio. I found myself looking over my shoulder at Diana, but she was giving the impression of impressionable kid this afternoon. No sage advice. No commentary on what I was wearing or my relationships. Instead she was acting like a shy high school kid. Her
I
-
hear
-
dead
-
people
act seemed to be on hold. Wayne had made a big deal out of introducing her to everyone at the start of the meeting. He had given me a friendly conspiratorial wink over the table, as if we were her proud, and slightly indulgent, parents.
Jonathon had left a message on my voice mail offering to bring dinner tonight, but wouldn’t be able to tell me when he could show up until later as it depended on when he could sneak away. I was debating if I would have time after work to buy new undies when I realized everyone in the room was looking at me. Apparently the one percent I was dedicating to the meeting had been used up on merely remaining in an upright position, because I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
“Your thoughts, Erin?” Wayne asked for what I suspected was the second time. I could see Wendy from the news department smirking.
Oh
crap
. I was going to have to admit I wasn’t paying attention.
“I think I would like to know what Colin thinks,” I said, buying some time.
Colin’s mouth turned slightly up as if he were holding in a smile. Busted.
“As I mentioned earlier, my concern is that a consultant might not be the best idea. They’re almost certainly going to want to change things. The program already had a lot of changes, obviously the biggest one being the move to the He Said, She Said format with Erin. We want new listeners, but we also want to hang on to our regulars.”
“So we’re thinking of a programming consultant?” I asked.
“That
is
what we were discussing,” Wayne said. “It was suggested as one way we could look to try and ramp up during this syndication push. This isn’t a time to be passive.”
“I agree completely, Wayne,” I said, making the mental note that I could pick the consultant’s mind on ideas for my own show. “You shouldn’t be resistant to change, Colin.”
“It’s good to be open to new ideas,” Diana added, and then, as if shocked to find she’d spoken out loud, giggled and looked back down at the table.
Colin shrugged and gave in under the weight of all that estrogen.
“All right then, it’s settled. We’ll get a consultant in here next week. Okay people, the weekend schedule is posted on the board. I’ll see you all back here on Monday.” Wayne stood and everyone bolted for the door and their weekend. I accepted the few pats on the back and turned to Diana
“A consultant?” I hissed, guessing that she had been paying more attention than me. Diana gave a nod. “This could be a huge opportunity.”
“Stick with me, baby. I’ll take you places,” Colin said behind me. I turned to face him and he picked me straight up and swung me around. This is the problem with being petite. You are very pick-up-able and portable. People love to pick up short people and sort of swing us around. I smacked him on the head and he put me back down. If you don’t nip the picking-up habit in the bud, people keep doing it.
“I’m going to start paying attention to these meetings,” I vowed.
“Remind me not to back you up next time. I bailed you out and then you left me hanging,” Colin said.
“You don’t like the idea of a consultant?” Diana asked, her eyes wide. It was possible she was developing an unhealthy affection for Colin. I was going to have to warn her about the whole charming-but-dangerous aspect. That might be another rule. It seemed the least I could do since she was technically helping me out. If her mom was bringing men of the Craig caliber around, she was going to need some wise advice in the man department.
“I don’t trust consultants. If they were so good, wouldn’t they be doing it?” Colin shrugged. “What the hell, it can’t get much weirder than it already has. How about we go out and celebrate. It’s Friday. The show had record numbers again today and the two of us are in love.”
I punched his arm.
“Shut up about the love.”
“Now that we’re out of hiding I want the whole world to know how I feel about you,” Colin crooned in a loud voice. The last few people gave us a look before leaving.
“In love?” Diana asked, cocking her head to the side like a dog who doesn’t understand what’s going on. “How can you be seeing Colin if you’re also dating that other guy? Or it one of those open kind of relationships since he has a wife?”
I spun around and faced her. She slapped her hand over her mouth.
“Oops. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break the rule, it just came out.”
“Rule?” Colin asked