Doing It (6 page)

‘Maybe this party isn’t such a good idea,’ he said anxiously, after they’d taken down and wrapped up the first few.

‘It’ll be OK. I know how to pack them up.’ Jackie enjoyed the preparation. Soon all twenty-five plates, some as small as dinner plates, some great round chargers you could serve a swan on, were all wrapped up and coffined away in cardboard boxes ready to be taken upstairs and stowed away in the spare room.

That done, they pushed the furniture back to get an idea of what the place would look like empty. The room was knocked through; emptied, the space looked enormous.

‘Wow, look at it … space,’ said Jackie. Dino pressed the CD to get ‘They Always Do’, Jackie started to rock her hips and they jived about the living room. Dino was a poor dancer, and he felt better when a slow one came on. They cuddled up on the dance floor, big long slow kisses, and in a minute they were in a clinch on the sofa.

She kissed him deeply as he unbuttoned her dress and exposed her breasts. She could see him peeping down at them secretly, which just slayed her. She wriggled as he eased her dress right up above her tummy and ran his palm over her knickers, tiny low ones that barely covered her pubes. Dino ran his fingers inside the edges, and then began to roll them down, first this side, then the other. Jackie sighed and lifted her bum for him. It was going to happen, they were coming off – but then just as they were about to pass the point of no return, she suddenly sat up, entirely against her will, and lifted her finger.

‘Knickers ON,’ she snapped, and she leaned over to pick up her drink.

‘Why not now?’ he mewed. He couldn’t understand it. They were alone. They were in lust. He didn’t know that Jackie couldn’t understand it either.

‘I – don’t feel right …’ she began.

‘It’s never going to be right, is it? Is it?’ said Dino between clenched teeth.

‘Yes, it will,’ shrilled Jackie, but she could have howled with frustration, because he was quite right. In some ways that was the most humiliating thing about it – that a dope like Dino, who knew nothing, was in a position to tell her, who was actually quite sorted, what was going on. She could have killed him for that. She got up and started rearranging her clothes.

‘Tomorrow,’ she said. ‘After the party.’

‘What about tonight?’

‘I can’t, Mum and Dad are expecting me back, but they think I’m staying over with Sue tomorrow. We’ll have all night long. All night.’ Jackie had no idea why she was making such a rash promise. Maybe she was just fed up with being put in the wrong all the time, maybe somewhere deep inside her, she’d decided that she’d waited long enough for things to work out right – she just had to do what she had to do.

‘Me and you in the place on our own, after everyone’s gone home,’ she promised. ‘We’ll do it then. OK?’ She felt as if she was withholding sweets from a child.

‘I can easily find someone who will, you know. You’re not the only fish in the sea.’ Dino scowled slightly to himself. Had he really said that? The lovely, unexpected things he came out with now and then that Jackie loved so much were matched only by these astounding pieces of oafishness. He had no idea himself where they came from. He peered at her to see how out of order it was. She was staring at him with a thin little smile.

‘Tomorrow’s another day,’ she said.

‘Don’t forget you promised.’

Dino looked suspiciously at her, then beamed. He was in love again. He was happy. He came to hold her in his arms, and pressed her tightly up against him.

‘You don’t know how happy that makes me,’ he murmured in a thick voice.

Jackie could feel herself melting away like a jelly. With her chin on his shoulder, she grimaced resentfully.

‘I know. I know, Dino. Honestly.’ She’d made him happy and she loved him for it – but only for a bit.

I’m going to get hurt, she thought. But she already was.

Can you believe him? ‘You’re not the only fish in the sea.’ Who does he think he
is
? And me! Letting him. Well, that’s it. If he thinks I’m going to go to bed with him at his ridiculous party, he’s living on another planet. It’s not just what he says – it’s the way he wraps me round his little finger afterwards. You know? Gives me a big hug and a smile and thinks that makes everything all right. And the worst thing is, it
does
make everything all right, for a bit anyway, just for long enough to watch a bit of telly and walk back to my place, and I’m getting angrier and angrier so that by the time we get to my door I can hardly speak I’m so furious, and you know what he says? ‘What’s the matter with you?’ What’s the matter with
me
? Can you believe it?

I’ve got no excuse, I’ve known what he’s like for years. There was a time at Primary School, I remember, he brought in this enormous cowboy hat – very appropriate – and he walked around the playground with a crowd of other little boys all begging him to let them have a go wearing it. It was huge, a great big black thing with silver tassels all the way around the edge. It was about three sizes too big even for his head, it looked ridiculous. If it had been any other kid, they’d have all teased him about it, but somehow Dino managed to make that stupid hat into something they were all just desperate to have on their heads.

I should have listened to Sue right at the start.

‘Just use him,’ she told me. ‘Use his body and then fling it back. Why not? Simon will never know.’ But did I do it? Did I hell! And do you know why? Because I’m not that sort of girl! How stupid is that? That’s how I see myself. I would never shag someone just for sex and betray my boyfriend. Other girls might do that but not me, oh no – I have to have a decent relationship with them before you get down to that sort of thing. I have to like them and respect them and have them respect me – even if it’s a total arse like Dino! He doesn’t even know what respect is. All the time I thought I was safe because I was sensible, and sensible people only fall for other sensible people. Only idiots fall for idiots. But when a sensible person falls for an idiot, that’s the person who really suffers, because a person who isn’t sensible just does mad things and likes it, but a sensible one spends her whole time trying to make an impossible situation sensible. I am so useless!

I keep thinking he’s going to get it. I keep kidding myself he’s going to grow up. But why should he? He gets everything he wants by just being a wanker. Except me. He just waved goodbye to that.

The first time I chucked him was after we went to see a film together – I forget which one it was, we go to films quite a bit. We sit and snog all the way through. It’s great. Anyway. I was still seeing Simon as well at the time. After the film we went for a walk in the car park and I gave him – well – I don’t want to say. Oh, God, I’m blushing. You know. A blow job. It was the first time I did that for him. It sounds horrible but it was really lovely, actually. I enjoyed doing it. It felt right somehow. Not sordid at all. I was floating on this lovely cushion of sex. And then on the way home, he started. He had a stiffie again immediately and he wanted to do a knee trembler in the car park but I wasn’t into that, that would have felt horrible. He went on and on and on, and by the time I got home I wasn’t feeling wonderful any more, I was feeling horrible and crabby and frustrated and pissed off. Trust him to spoil it. I was thinking I’d go to bed and have a diddle down there and think about all the things we did, but instead I had a shower and went to bed feeling ridiculous, as if crouching down and sucking him in the bloody car park was some sort of compromise that wasn’t really good enough.

I thought, That’s it. This bloke’s just awful. I gave him a ring the next day and told him. I was furious. And he was devastated – everyone said so. He begged me to go back out with him and what did I do? I said yes! Why? For a couple of weeks, I juggled Dino and Simon, trying to decide what to do but in the end there was no way round it. I had to tell Simon I needed a break. He was really upset. He kept sending me letters. Every other morning for a fortnight I’d open them at breakfast and weep into my cornflakes. I rang him up a few times and told him it was just for a bit. I really thought I’d end up going back to him in a few weeks.

‘I see,’ said Sue. ‘You shag Dino’s brains out for a few weeks, give him the elbow and go back to Simon for a mature, lasting relationship. Wouldn’t it be easier to just have an affair with Dino?’

‘I’m not shagging him,’ I told her.

‘What do you mean, you’re not shagging him?’

‘Not until I’m sure it’s the right thing.’

‘Shagging him is the single possible reason for going out with Dino. If you don’t shag him, why bother?’

‘I’ll give him a reasonable chance. If it’s no go, I’ll put him back on the shelf.’

Sue looked at me wearily. ‘This is wrong,’ she said. ‘Prepare to get hurt.’

‘I’m not like you, Sue,’ I said. ‘Either it’s serious, or it’s off.’

Sue looked at me like I was mad, but Dino has got his nice sides. He’s a sweetheart. I know that doesn’t sound like him, but he is. He blushes like a baby. And he’s so open – really. You can see what’s going on in there like a goldfish in a bowl, he just can’t help himself. When he’s not thinking about how cool he is, he’s actually very charming.

It’s not just that he’s desperate to sleep with me.
I’m
desperate to sleep with
him.
Really. He makes me feel like – ooooh. Sometimes I feel like weeping with frustration. When we … well, I don’t want to talk about that but you would not believe how horny I get. And I’m not going to do it unless I feel right, and how can you feel right when your boyfriend’s so selfish? Isn’t that stupid?

But … the thing is … you can’t blame him. Maybe we deserve each other. I’ve been leading him on for ages. I’m either chucking him or preparing to sleep with him practically every week, and every time I chuck him we get back together and every time I try to sleep with him I back out at the last minute. I guess I’m frightened of getting hurt. Which is totally stupid, because I’m getting hurt, anyway. And so’s Dino.

Maybe if I did it … I mean, what if that’s the problem? Poor boy, he must get so confused, he isn’t really all that selfish inside, he’s just not very good with feelings. That’s the problem, really. If I did shag him, maybe it would make everything all right? If I made him feel secure like that? And I do want to.

Tomorrow. After the party. I’m going to do it. Even if it makes me feel like shit afterwards, I’ll never be able to live with myself if I don’t. I’ll have a word with Sue about it in the morning. Yes! Oh, God. What am I like?

While Jackie and Dino were jumping on each other in the sitting room, Ben was outside the little row of shops just down the road from his place, on his mobile to Ali Young. They were having an almost argument.

‘It’s my birthday,’ she was saying.

‘It’s your birthday
today
,’ he told her.

‘You know I’ve got to see my friends tonight.’

‘Ah ha, well, I have to see mine tomorrow.’

There was a pause. Miss was not happy.

‘You could make the effort.’

‘What would I tell Dino? It’s his party, he’s my best friend. I can’t tell him I can’t come to his party because it’s your birthday, can I?’

‘Make an excuse.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Of course you can. If you wanted.’

‘I can’t! Look, I’ll see you Sunday …’

‘Don’t tell me when you’ll see me,’ said Ali sharply.

Ben took the phone from his ear and stared at it suspiciously. He felt completely fazed every time, when she veered from lover Miss to school Miss in mid-sentence.

‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’d like to see you on Sunday.’

Another pause.

‘It’s as if you’re ashamed of me,’ she complained.

Ben didn’t know what to say. This was getting complicated.

‘Well?’ she said.

‘Well what?’

‘Are you? Ashamed of me?’

‘It’s not that! We can’t exactly go public, can we? I mean, it’s not like …’

‘Like what?’

‘Well. It’s not quite the same as if you were my girlfriend, is it?’

There was another pause, so long this time that he got alarmed. He was just saying, ‘Hello,’ when she replied,

‘I’ve got to go now, Ben, that’s someone on the mobile, I’ll see you on Sunday, then. And don’t you dare go with anyone else – I’ll find out, you know. Goodbye.’ And she was gone.

Ben tucked his mobile back into his pocket and went into the newsagent to buy a chocolate bar. He was surprised at how pissed off the conversation had left him.

What did she want? He’d thought it was sex but now he wasn’t sure. He was seventeen years old, and he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to want him for anything. Not yet. Not for a long time.

Shagging Miss had always been scary, but lately there were other worries beginning to creep in. It wasn’t just the question of where it was all going. It seemed ungrateful, but he was missing girls of his own age. He sometimes actually felt jealous of Dino’s problems with Jackie; it all seemed so sweet and innocent and sexy. Miss not only knew it all, she’d done it all and if there was anything she’d accidentally missed she was keen to try it out. Measured against such monumental stark bollock naked, spread open, rampant rudeness, having a snog and a grope in the shrubbery seemed like a childhood game, a lost pleasure like toy cars and pogo sticks.

Then again, what if his sex drive got worn out? What if some sweet, shy girl came along and offered herself to him and he had to get her to swing from the light fittings with a telescope up her fanny and pegs on her tits before he could get it up?

Stupid. He was getting greedy. He was the man with more treasure than he could count, and here he was jealous of their little coins. As if he had any need to feel bad about himself.

The idea was to have the Hand Dogs banging it out as people came through the door.

Look at you with your thigh-boots on,

Oh yeaaaah.

Won’t you let me dance with you?

Oh yeaaaah.