Don't... 04 Backlash (34 page)

He was back
with Jack. “I love your look, stunner, you’ve got no idea how much,
how no matter my faults and flaws, how I’ve hurt, it proves me
wrong every time that life can’t taint it, but I hate the father in
me because of it. I never trusted myself with him as I have with
you.”

“Did you love
her?” Jan had a slight tilt of head that had Gray smiling a little.
Jan was gay through and through, had never slept with a woman, and
that glance there tried to fathom the how and why in all this. The
fact he’d moved away from everything else and was trying to figure
this out was what kept Gray close.

“We knew each
other from the Valleys and served as officers in the army together.
Yes,” he said. “But I don’t sleep with women as a rule.”

“Kind of a
Straight For You thing?”

Jack choked a
chuckle from somewhere as he eased back by Jan and glanced at him.
“You been at those gay romance books again? Do I need to burn a
few, because this happy ending stuff, it’s getting fucking
tough.”

“One or two.
And touch them and you’re dead.” It was the first time that Jan
looked at Jack, hurt still there in his smile. “You haven’t seen
him since?” he said back to Gray. “Your son?”

Gray shook his
head and Jack avoided eye contact. “Not just because of you, Jack.
I’d make a damn lousy father. Look how I handled you as a
teen.”

“Not the same.
I’m not your kid; I can barely look at my old man and say that I’m
his.” Jan tightened his grip on Jack’s hand. “You don’t suffer
fools and thieves,” added Jack. “That in no way suggests you
wouldn’t handle being a father.” There was a slight smile. “And
between the two of us, we’ve got to hit a right note somewhere as
far as respectability goes.”

“Three. There’s
three of us here,” said Jan, scowling.

“Yeah, but
forgetting to return that romance book to the travel library
doesn’t count as... y’know... ‘evil’ street cred. You’d make a damn
good father.” Jack even air quoted that and Jan elbowed him a
little. He’d left out the drugs, and even though Jan knew it had
been left out deliberately, he seemed to love that no judgements
came from Jack’s heart.

But they soon
fell quiet and their silence said they knew this was no place for a
kid, not with the horrors that still twisted their bodies beneath
the sheets.

“So, now we
know Gray’s dark sins...” Jack held his hand out to Jan. “I’m Jack.
You’ve already noticed that Harrison is tagged above the door to my
garage. I’m a mechanic by trade, ex-MCer but working to get back in
someday, basic loveable rogue, and also occasional psycho nut job
that can sometimes be found hanging out at the local psych ward
every now and again. Pleased to meet you, Mr Jan Richar—”

Jan laughed,
then choked a sob.

“Hey.” Torn,
Jack looked at Gray as Jack pulled Jan in close. Jan pushed Jack
away, then giving a sniff, a wipe at his nose as another tear
spilled, Jan held his hand out to Jack.

“Name’s Jan.”
Brown eyes found Gray’s. “I’m in love with two men, but I don’t
think they know how much... and... and I... I nearly killed someone
for just how much I love those two men.” He looked down at shaking
hands. “Scares... scares me so fucking much. And I think... it’s
hurting too much now.... And I... I need some help.”

Gray didn’t
have time to reply. Jack pushed Jan to the floor, snaking arms
under his and holding him close. “You went there for me.” Jack
glanced at Gray. “For him.” He kissed at Jan’s throat, his lips.
“But you wanna know something?”

Jan held Jack’s
gaze and a tear ran free as he nodded.

Jack shifted a
hand over Jan’s eyes, blacking his view of the world. Then he
kissed him, a gentle play that pushed through the seam of Jan’s
lips.

“Even when life
got dark, when we couldn’t see each other, you always tasted like
Jan Richards, financial consultant, and damn soft-hearted soul to
me.”

Jan snaked his
arms around Jack’s shoulders and buried his head into the curve of
Jack’s throat. “I miss the old Jan so much.” The grip on Jack had
Jan’s knuckles turning white. “I miss looking at my hands and only
seeing years of counting numbers. I know it’s boring, but...
but—”

Gray stroked
through Jan’s hair, feeling the grief under his touch, then Jan
tugged him down, his cool forehead going hard against Gray’s.

“Don’t... don’t
make me leave because of this. Please.”

Gray screwed
his eyes shut and rested his hand on Jan’s jaw. “You were never
going anywhere, Jan.”

Jack was still
kissing at Jan’s throat. “Because Gray’s got the key back to the
chloroform cabinet. He comes with... intent.”

Jan choked a
small laugh, a few more tears. “No friends in the mix there
too?”

“No friends,”
mumbled Gray. “Friends come and go. But lovers... There was never
any remedy for love but to love some more.”

“H. D.
Thoreau,” mumbled Jan. “Those five months away... did it teach you
that?”

“Knowledge,”
said Gray before crushing a rough kiss to Jan’s lips. “Don’t ever
stop using it for me, Jan.”

Two hours
later, Gray made his first stop with Craig to re-run through any
care plan that Halliday might be happy to implement. Then after
Craig headed on upstairs to Jack and Jan as they licked wounds in
the bedroom, Gray found Trace talking quietly to Gabe and Dare in
the living room.

Gabe and Dare
exchanged a glance or two, then they headed out towards the
kitchen. Gray caught Gabe’s arm, stopping him in his tracks, and
for a moment, they both watched each other.

“Like Trace
said.” Gabe eased his touch away. “We’re not just here for Jack and
Jan.”

“Focus on Jack.
You focus on Jan. The whole idea of not using my Dom skills was so
that Martin isn’t triggered.”

“To handle Jack
and Jan, that means focus on you too.” Gabe sighed, then patted
Gray’s arm lightly. “Those cuffs didn’t tell you anything you
didn’t already know.”

Gray eased
off.

“Good,” said
Gabe in a gentle tone. “You safe worded your sub, Gray. After the
years of handling Martin, of being knifed—”

Gray crossed
his arms, about to ask how—

“Ed,” said
Gabe. “He helped get you patched up and over to the MC before you
went back to Wales. But everything that came after that? Having Jan
come on the scene, the dangers of him being around Jack and the
security you made sure Jan had, then their rape, the torture—losing
Jack as he was sectioned, losing Jan because you knew Jack needed
him.... that part of you has to understand that stepping away was
the best thing you could have done. But it also hurt who you are in
the process.” There was a tired smile. “Any Dom worth their salt
will know when to back away when they’re unsafe around their
sub.”

A gentle stroke
came at Gray’s shoulder. “It doesn’t matter how far Jack and Jan
come, they’re going nowhere without you. So focus is of course on
you, and for that, surrounds those handcuffs whether you like it or
not.”

“Maybe,” said
Gray.

“That’s good
enough for me.” After giving a glance back at Trace, Gabe tugged
Dare towards the kitchen.

Catching
Trace’s eye, Gray went over. “Don’t do that again.” He stopped by
him as Trace rubbed at a split lip. It had already been seen to,
but Gray moved his touch away and twisted Trace’s head to get a
better look. “Permission given or not, that could have gone wrong
in so many fucking ways and hurt everyone.”

“Jan’s got a
dark side to him,” said Trace, distractedly wincing as Gray checked
the wound. “He sticking around?”

Gray nodded.
“And where it comes to Jack... he has, yes. I told you that.” He
gave a final touch to Trace’s jaw, just to remind him that he’d
always have the final say when it came to care, especially
aftercare, and Trace gave a wink.

“Careful,
bright eyes. You might actually have to admit it to him one of
these days.”

“Hm?”

“That you’re...
concerned about Jan too.”

Trace’s smile
faded when Gray frowned.

“You didn’t
expect it, did you?”

Gray flicked a
small smile. “Jan’s...”

“Yeah, staying
where he is. I get that now.” Trace tightened his bandana, but Gray
made sure it sat right. “Those seventy-two hours are up this time
tomorrow. Anything on the codes?”

Gray stilled
for a moment. “I have an... acquaintance working on the codes we do
have. The search has also been extended beyond the source and
family.”

“You’re looking
at employees they’ve come into contact with when it comes to the
codes?”

Gray nodded,
then shifted when he got a text through.

Humpty... Dumpty...

Is he
tired of “watching shit fall”?

An image came
through a moment later.

Vince pinned
Jack to the floor as Henry flattened Jack’s hand. Knife poised to
cut off Jack’s bloodied fingers. Henry’s face was smashed in, nose
broken with blood that dripped in thick streams onto Jack’s
outstretched hand. Only Jack didn’t look as though he was
struggling. Free hand gripping at Vince’s collar, Jack hid in
Vince’s neck, face lost to the hold, to the writing scrawled across
the screen shot.

Stop
him. Vince, please.

At what point
had Jack given up and stopped crying out for him? At what
point—

Another message
came through.

Not
yours. Never fucking yours.

Trace shouted
out as Gray slammed the phone up against the wall.

“
Fucking cunt.”

“Whoa, whoa,”
said Trace, scrambling over to the phone. “Time out, Gray. Go and
get your fucking head down.” He fumbled with the phone as Gray
headed out to get his coat.

“Where are you
going?” Trace came on through, caught between fixing the phone and
shoving a hand in the door to stop Gray leaving. “Just who are you
going to hurt?”

Gray’s look was
enough for Trace to offer the phone over. “You have nothing to hit
out at. Get back upstairs, get your head down until tomorrow and
have faith in the men you have underneath you. You wouldn’t employ
them if you didn’t think they could do their job.”

“
They
can’t match the codes
. They don’t know who they’re fucking after.”

Trace offered
the phone over again. “Then you start fresh in the morning and go
over every detail again. But get your head down with those who
matter most. Remind yourself why Jack. Why Jan. Why you need them
here.”

Gray pulled
back, enough to take the phone back at least.

“The screen’s
cracked, but it’s working.” Trace took Gray’s jacket off him.
“That’s two images today. Kes broke routine. He’s not letting you
get comfortable. Nothing more.” He reached and massaged Gray’s
neck. “One more day, then this is over either way, and Kes will
need to come out into the open.”

After briefly
closing his eyes, Gray glanced back towards the stairs.

“Come on,” said
Trace, pulling him towards them. “Those kids upstairs can’t wait.
That fuck can. At least until tomorrow.”

As Gray slipped
his long overcoat on, he eased a look back into the manor before
the door closed, to where Jack and Jan still kept exhaustion
between the sheets. Gray had managed to slip out before the morning
chorus and...

You
didn’t expect it, did you?

He frowned. He
hadn’t expected it, no. Not with Jan. Not for it to hurt this much.
He understood Jan’s need to breathe, to get out, but not to hide,
just control his own fall. It had taken these last few months to
realise that how he’d pulled away from Jack all those years ago
mimicked how he pulled away from Jan. Only the real hurt came when
they weren’t there.

Kept deep in
his pocket, Gray felt along Logan’s phone.

Before he’d
heard Jan’s shouts from the hall last night, time had been spent
with Elena. She’d lost her voice weeks ago, but as long as she had
the strength to hold a pen, she was of some use. When Trace had
stopped him leaving last night, he didn’t know just who he’d saved.
If he had known Gray’s intent had been fixed on Elena, he doubted
whether Trace would have held on so tightly to stop him from
leaving.

Kes was using
pictures and sayings from Vince’s rape, and as Elena had scribbled
Kes’s name down yesterday, they’d met at some point. Elena hadn’t
been in the frame of mind to give him anything else, so Gray had
turned his questioning to “Doc,” Vince’s so-called hired doctor who
had taken lead role in drugging Jack and Jan. Like Vince, the “Doc”
had been kept out of the loop over who funded the psychological
reconditioning, and he couldn’t place Kes in the picture. Although
by the time Gray had walked away from the cell, the Doc would have
sworn in a court of law that Kes had served Vince Christmas dinner
in a Batman outfit if Gray had needed him to.