Double Clutch (29 page)

“
Wait a minute.” I pulled out my phone and dialed my mom.“Hey Mom.” I wondered if her mom radar would be up. I wondered if she’d know I spent the afternoon letting a boy kiss my breasts instead of going to class.

“
Hey baby,” she said absently. “I’m headed to the office to get some things in order. Class starts Monday.”

“
Oh, you should go and get ready. I was just going to say I think I might go out for cross country after all. They have tryouts this afternoon.”

“
Good, honey. I’m glad you’re getting into a sport. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“
I hope so.” I stopped. There was so much I should tell her, so much I felt uncomfortable keeping from my mother, the woman I loved and respected more than anyone. But there was a rift between us now that would never close. She and I would never be as close as we had been, and as sad as it made me, I knew it was all just a part of growing up and letting go. “Anyway, I’ll take the late bus probably. But I’ll have my phone on.”

“
I can come pick you up, honey. I don’t have to stay late here if you need me.” Mom’s voice was sweet and pleasant on the line.

“
Don’t worry about it tonight, Mom. I don’t really know the schedule, so I can’t even tell you a time yet. But I might need a ride once I know how things work.”

Mom sighed. “Alright, sweetie.”

“
What’s wrong, Mom?”

“
Nothing,” she said, her voice high and tight. “Sometimes I just wish you were a little girl again and we spent all day together.”

I blinked against the scratch of tears. “Mom, I love you. You know that.”

“
I do,” she said, and I could hear her smile. “I love you, Brenna.”

“
Let’s do something on Sunday.” I really wanted to spend some time with her, just the two of us together.

“
That would be really nice, baby.”

We said our good-byes and I slumped back in the seat. Jake looked over at me expectantly.

“
You alright?”

“
Just feeling sad. Just missing hanging out with my mom all the time like I used to. But it’s stupid. I mean, I’m happy with how everything is now. I’m just being stupid.” I took two quick swipes at my eyes with the backs of my hands to sop up the tears.

“
It’s not stupid at all. I know how much your family means to you, and I’m sorry you guys haven’t been able to spend as much time together as before. That sucks.” He looked ahead to give me time to dry my tears in peace.

“
I’m going to Frankford,” I said, needing to change the subject. “I’m trying out for cross country.”

He looked over at me and smiled. “So you decided? You’re definitely trying out?”

“
Yeah. I’m really good at distance running. Anyway, with you and Mom and Thorsten working all the time, I need to do something to keep myself busy.”

“
Sounds good.” Jake slid me a look that was all sexy mischief. “Do you wear those really short shorts?”

I remembered Saxon asking the same question and rolled my eyes. “No! This isn’t the 1970s. At least, I hope not.” I realized that if I’d ever seen the official school cross country uniform, I didn’t remember what it looked like.

We pulled up at Frankford. “I’m at work until seven. I know you’ll get out earlier, but if you need a ride, call me.”

I leaned over and kissed him. “Thanks for today. I really liked skipping with you.”

“
I really liked it too.” He held my hand for a second.

I got out and went around for my bike.

“
Don’t.” Jake leaned out the window and waved me on. “I’ll drop it by your house on my way to work.”

“
Thanks!” I watched him pull away, happy we had been able to spend the day together and nervous to face Coach Dunn. I wasn’t even sure what day exactly tryouts were. I hoped I hadn’t had Jake drop me off for nothing.

I really did want to run. If I wasn’t going to be riding into school, I needed to do something to keep my body in shape, and running seemed like a good, mindless alternative. I would have to make sure I didn’t wind up doing anything stupid, like getting hooked into a relay or jumping hurdles, if that’s even what you did in cross country.

Before I went in, I checked my pocket.

I had Saxon’s tooth in it. Somehow, I hadn’t been able to leave it in Jake’s ashtray. Saxon had definitely provoked the punch, but I had a feeling it had been his intention to do that the entire time. Like, if Jake got a good shot in, maybe Saxon could feel like the score was settled.

I headed towards the gym, unsure where to go or what to do. Coach Dunn found me immediately.

“
Blixen!” she yelled. “Get on your practice clothes and stretch. Make sure you do a full set; I don’t need you pulling anything. Then get running.”

“
Am I in time for tryouts?”

She looked at me for a minute. “Let’s say you tried out in class. You’re on the team. We practice every day after school until five. Think you can handle it?” She put her hands on her hips, her legs wide apart. For all of her rough, muscled, tan sporty looks, she had this amazing golden blonde, shiny hair that looked fabulous and soft no matter how hard she tried to plaster it to her head.

“
Yes.” I pointed to the locker room and jogged towards it. “I’ll go change!” I called over my shoulder.

I changed into my practice clothes in the empty locker room. When I got out to the track, there were people everywhere, running laps, doing sets of pushups, running relays. I saw that the track was around the soccer field. They were out there bashing soccer balls off of their heads and knees and chests and into each other and grunting, and in the middle of it all was Saxon. I wondered if he still felt woozy from getting punched in the face.

I decided ignoring him was probably the best thing I could do. I put my iPod in, pulled my hood up and started running. Soon I was breathing in a quick rhythm and everything around me faded. I thought about Jake in my bed, in his truck, on the phone, in class. My heart pounded to the thoughts of him, and soon I had to stop running and panted, hunched over, on the edge of the track.

“
What’s up, Blixen?” Coach Dunn called.

“
Out…of…breath…” I sputtered.

She power walked over to me and squatted down so she could watch my wheezes. “You need to try double clutching.” I shook my head and gasped in an attempt to tell her I didn’t understand. “Double clutch. Two breaths in, one out. Two in, one out. It will keep you from hyperventilating on the track.” She clapped me on the back. “Get to it!”

I stumbled to my feet while my muscles were still warm and propelled myself forward. Two breaths in, one out.

My thoughts wandered back to Jake, but this time I checked my breathing before things got too crazy. Two breaths in, one out. I managed to get on pace and let my body fly, while my brain focused on my boyfriend.

But that was euphoric thinking, and it was like my brain could only handle so much of that before it forced something less savory on me. I started to think about my mom, how I was lying to her all of the time, sneaking around and hiding things. We had been so close a few weeks ago, there was no one in the world I could confide in more, and now we were so separated. I felt an anvil of guilt on my chest about Sunday, because even though I knew I’d have so much fun with her, I also knew I’d be thinking about Jake the entire time and wanting to be with him.

He was like some insane addiction. I craved him, and the more I had of him, the worse the cravings got.

After my brain hammered out all of my shuddering maternal-based guilt, it brought me back to my love/hate thought obsession: Saxon Maclean. I thought about Jake’s fierce insistence that Saxon was just playing one big head game, but my heart couldn’t believe that. Not entirely. He had opened up to me. He had done things that made no sense, which was not unusual for Saxon, but some of the senseless things had done nothing to benefit him. Why would he do that?

When he talked about Jake and how everything had fallen apart, he wasn’t acting. I knew that for sure. Even Saxon wasn’t that good. He let himself be Jake’s fall guy. Even today. He could have come out and told Jake about our kiss, the rides home, but he just played on Jake’s hatred and let him take another swing. If Jake was going to feel any anger at me, it was all gone, replaced by anger at Saxon.

Why would he do that unless he really cared about Jake?

I was lost in the tangle of it. I was nervous about the calls and the ridiculous government date. I had never seen Saxon so determined. If he still had it in his head to win this thing, he would. I hoped Saxon would let me go now, but I didn’t think it was likely.

Finally, I was broken out of my reverie by Coach Dunn waving her arms at me.

I put my hand along my back and yanked my earbuds out.

“
Sorry coach.” I breathed heavily

“
Good job, Blixen.” She scowled and shook her head. I thought for a minute she was being sarcastic. “Really good time. You’re improving a little with every run.” She clapped me on the shoulder. “See you tomorrow.”

I jogged into the locker room and changed. I didn’t feel like showering anywhere other than my comfy home shower with all of my good shampoos and soaps. Besides, I hated putting my feet down anywhere really grimy and gross, like the concrete of a high school shower stall. I was on my way out and wondering how long the late bus would take when I ran into Saxon.

I actually crashed into him. He caught me around the waist, and I stood in his arms for a few seconds, until my head cleared and I backed away, breaking the circle we made together.

“
Jesus, watch where you’re going, Blix.” He shook me a little. “C’mon. I’ve been waiting.”

“
For me?” I was confused. “I can’t, Saxon. I have to catch the late bus.”

“
You’re not riding the shitty late bus. C’mon.”

He didn’t look at me, just walked. And because I had a million things to clear up with him, because I had his tooth in my pocket, because I wanted to let him know that I understood the good under all his cocky pretend-bad, because I knew he loved Jake as much as I did, I followed. Down the long hallway with gold-tiled walls, down the crumbling stone steps to the lower parking lot, and right up to his big black car, I followed Saxon. He got in and pushed my door open, and I got in next to him.

“
I watched you run.” He lit a cigarette and drew in deeply. He exhaled in one long breath.

“
I didn’t watch you.” I waved the smoke away from my face and he switched hands.

“
I know.” He took another drag and blew it away from me.

“
How’s your tooth?” Or the hole in his head where his tooth was before Jake smashed it out. But I didn’t think he’d appreciate my specifics.

“
Gone. I have one bitch of a headache.” He leaned his head back on his seat and took a long drag. “He needed to do that.”

“
Not really.” I thought I understood why Saxon did what he did, but I wanted to hear it from him, if that was possible.

“
More importantly,” he said, taking another drag, “I needed him to do it to me.”

“
You could tell him the truth.” I knew Saxon and Jake would never be friends again, but some kind of peace had to be better than all this.

“
So could you,” he bit back, reminding me that there were many circles of truth when it came to me and Saxon and Jake.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. He smoked the entire cigarette faster than I’d ever seen anyone smoke one before.

“
I might.” If I wasn’t such a wimp, I already would have. How had it all gotten so tangled so fast?

“
You know it’s not about truth or lies.” He lit up another one. “It’s about Jake’s perception. You and I have one more thing in common now.”

“
What’s that?” I gripped the sides of the leather seats.

“
We’re both protecting Jake.” He pressed his thumb hard between his eyes.

“
Come here.” I motioned with my hands.

“
Where?” I could tell from the way he squinted his eyes that he was in a lot of pain.

“
On my lap.” I didn’t like saying it out loud, because it made it sound tawdry and hot, when it was really just my best attempt at a peace offering. And, hopefully, an end to all the head games.

“
We need to get in the back for that, Blix.” He tried to sound sexy, but the pain made him grimace through it.

“
Not for sex.” He pretended to pout, and I gave my best glare. “I’ll rub your head.”

His eyebrows pulled low. “Alright.” I knew he was evaluating my angle, the reason for my sudden kindness, but he didn’t seem able to come up with anything. He flicked his cigarette out the window, right under a ‘no smoking’ sign and nodded to me.

Saxon and I got in the big backseat and he stretched across it, his head cradled on my lap. I pushed his shiny black hair back off of his forehead. He pressed his head harder onto my thighs and made a low humming noise, like a purr. I thought about the first day I met him and how he reminded me of a jungle cat.

I rubbed his temples, up into his hair, down the sides of his face and all around his eyes. He breathed low and deep, almost like he had fallen asleep. His face relaxed, all of the muscles finally slack. He was beautiful. He had it all; great skin, great bones, great hair. He was just bad enough to be interesting, he was brilliant, he was funny. Soccer forward, AP student, resident badass, and the love of my life’s personal martyr.