“No,” he told her, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “she went to work full-time as a nanny once all of her children were in school. That was more than twenty years ago. And because her husband was self-employed, he doesn’t have a pension for them to rely on. She really needs this job.”
Zoey bit her lip while she tried to think of another objection. “Does she have references?”
Jonas nodded. “Of course. And only of the most glowing variety. The only reason her former employers let her go is because all of their children grew up.”
Zoey tapped her foot uneasily and tried to think of something else that might impede Mrs. Standard’s employment, all the while assuring herself it was only because she was concerned for Juliana’s welfare. “How about her health?” she finally asked. “Let’s face it, she’s no spring chicken. She could drop dead of a major coronary anytime.” Her eyes widened as she thought of something else. “Oh, jeez. What if Jules was the one to stumble onto her body? And what if she’d been dead for a while and was blue and smelly? If Jules has to face the ghastly specter of death too early in her life, she could be—”
“Mrs. Standard is only fifty-eight,” Jonas interrupted. She could tell he was losing his temper. “And she’s never been sick a day in her life.”
“How do you know? She could have any number of communicable diseases—hepatitis, cholera, Legionnaires’, and did you read that typhus is on the rise again? Typhus is something you definitely don’t want to mess around wi—”
“I’m a doctor, Zoey. It’s my job to know when someone is sick. Mrs. Standard isn’t.” His mouth tightened into an impatient line. “What the hell is the problem? I thought you were anxious for me to find someone appropriate to care for Juliana.”
“Yes, someone
appropriate,
” she agreed. “How do you know this Mrs. Standard is appropriate? She might be a smoker, for all you know. And secondhand smoke can cause all kinds of problems for an infant. I’m sure you read that article last month about—”
“She’s not a smoker,” Jonas said tightly. “And even if she were, as long as she confined her smoking to outside the house, I wouldn’t object to it.”
Zoey paused only a moment before asking further, “Is she now, or has she ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”
“Zoey!”
“Look, I’m just concerned about Jules is all.”
“Well, you don’t have to be. Not anymore.”
Meaning Jonas wanted her out of Juliana’s life, Zoey reasoned. And likewise wanted her out of his. Pronto. She should have expected it. Jonas had gotten all he wanted from her Friday night, and now he wanted her gone. After all, he hadn’t even mentioned that night once he’d seen her again Monday morning, had he? No, he’d acted as if nothing at all had changed between them. Of course, Zoey had acted the same way, and had told herself she was grateful for his sudden memory loss, but that was beside the point.
The point was that Jonas didn’t need her anymore. And that, she realized, hurt a lot more than she had thought it would.
What was wrong with her? She should be pleased that Jonas had found someone kind and capable to look after Juliana. She should be relieved that she wouldn’t have to subject herself day after day to a wonderful little baby that had only brought her painful reminders of the son she had lost so long ago. She should be asking how soon Mrs. Standard could start, should be eyeing the front door in anticipation of her own escape. And she should be jumping for joy that she’d no longer be obligated to a man she had always considered her enemy.
And that was another problem, she thought. Jonas wasn’t her enemy anymore. Whether she liked it or not, he had become her lover. Even if for just one night. And that, Zoey decided, was what really troubled her most.
She could probably surrender Juliana into Mrs. Standard’s care without worrying about the little girl’s welfare
too
much, and without missing her to the point of feeling lost. After all, it wasn’t as if the baby was going to be taken from her forever. She could still visit with Jules whenever she wanted. She couldn’t see Jonas keeping her from that. If she wanted to, Zoey could probably even still play an active part in Juliana’s upbringing as she grew older—taking her out to the zoo or for strolls in the park or on shopping sprees in the city. There was no reason for her to think that Jules couldn’t still be a part of her life.
But that would mean tying herself to Jonas, too, even if somewhat tenuously.
And in spite of the confusion winding her up tight inside, confusion over whether or not she wanted to be involved with him, and to what extent that involvement would go, Zoey was pretty certain Jonas had just taken the decision out of her hands. She wasn’t necessary to him anymore. He didn’t need her around. Not for Juliana, and not for himself.
Which was just as well, she told herself. Regardless of whether or not she wanted to be involved with Jonas, the last thing she needed or wanted was to set herself up for another fall.
“Are you home for the day?” she asked him.
She could see that her question surprised him, but he nodded his response.
“Yes. I thought I’d introduce Mrs. Standard to Juliana and let the two of them get a little used to each other. Then I’ll show her around the house, let her know where everything is. She’s going to start work on Monday morning, just in time for you to get back to your regular shift at work, not to mention your regular life. Not that I don’t appreciate what you’ve done, Zoey,” he added, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was almost as an afterthought. “You’ve been a lifesaver. I couldn’t have managed—”
She held up her hand to stop the flow of thanks she didn’t want to hear. She didn’t want gratitude from Jonas Tate. She wasn’t sure exactly what she
did
want, but it certainly wasn’t that.
“Then if you’re home for the day, I’ll just head home early myself if it’s all the same to you,” she said. “If nothing else, I can catch up on my sleep.”
“But I thought—”
“Jules has been napping for nearly an hour now,” she interrupted him, “so look for her to wake up anytime. I’ve made enough formula for you to get through to tomorrow morning, and there’s a load of her laundry in the dryer that should be done in about twenty minutes.”
“Zoey, I—”
“She’s starting to get a little rash on her face, around her eyebrows, but I think it’s probably just seborrheic dermatitis, a by-product of her cradle cap. Still, you might want her pediatrician to check it out.”
“Zoey—”
“I do hope you’ve gotten a new pediatrician for her, Jonas. That other guy you’ve been taking her to sounds like a real quack. Julie Kenner over at the medical center is wonderful, and—”
“Zoey!”
He had raised his voice to a decibel that commanded her attention, so she had no choice but to cease the monologue she had hoped would keep him at bay. “What?” she asked him quietly.
“We have to talk.”
“About what?”
“About Juliana. About us.”
“What about Juliana?”
Jonas duly noted Zoey’s focus on the baby and her obvious reluctance to discuss the two of them. Well, tough, he thought. She was going to face a few facts whether she liked it or not.
He took an experimental step toward her as he said, “I realize you’ve been Juliana’s primary care giver for more than a week now, and that you’ve developed a wonderful rapport with her as a result.”
“She’s a great baby, Jonas. How could I not develop a rapport with her?”
A second step brought him a bit closer, and he took heart in the fact that she didn’t seem inclined to retreat from him. “Actually, it’s more than a rapport. Jules clearly adores you, and there are times when you’re the only one who can comfort her. I don’t think it would be a good idea if she lost you completely.”
Jonas took a third, larger step toward Zoey, bringing him within touching distance of her, then cursed himself for pressing his luck. Now she began to look as if she was ready to bolt, as if she didn’t want to hear whatever else he might have to say.
That’s why he was surprised when she asked, “What do you mean?”
He started to reach out to her, but stopped himself lest even a harmless touch make her skittish. Instead, he curled his fingers into fists and shoved them deep into his trouser pockets. “I mean,” he said quietly, “that I’d like for you to still play an active role in Juliana’s life, if that’s all right with you. I thought maybe you might still want to see her from time to time. Come by the house now and then. Take her places.”
When she said nothing in reply, Jonas surrendered to temptation and pulled a hand from his pocket to brush back a length of her hair. Her eyelids fluttered closed, and she inhaled a deep, ragged breath. He took it to be a very good sign.
“I’d also like,” he began again, dropping his voice lower, “for you to play an active role in my life, too.”
Zoey’s eyelids snapped back up at that, and she gazed at him with wary, troubled eyes. “Why?” she asked him.
That was a good question, Jonas thought, and one that deserved a good answer. But he was afraid that if he told her the truth, Zoey would run screaming in terror in the other direction, never to darken his door again. He was quite certain that the last thing she wanted to hear was that he was in love with her.
He shrugged, hoping the gesture came off as careless, when that was the last thing he felt. “Because...because I think there’s something going on between the two of us that needs further investigation.”
She chewed her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment, then took a step away from him. “If you’re talking about Friday night,” she said, “I thought we’d already settled that.”
Jonas sighed. “Hardly. If anything, your assurance that it was a mistake, never to happen again, has only agitated me more than I was already.”
He could see that he’d made her angry with his statement. But instead of regretting having made it, he was glad to finally see some kind of an emotional response from her, even if it was a negative one. After all, this whole thing between them had risen up out of antagonism, hadn’t it? Maybe a little good old-fashioned animosity would kick some life back into her. He was tired of seeing her looking so exhausted and defeated. And hurt. Dammit, she looked hurt all the time lately, too.
“Oh, really?” she snapped. “Well, I’m real sorry if you can’t control your...your...your agitation, but that’s not my problem.”
“Oh, yes, it is,” he countered. “Because I’m not letting you off the hook until you face up to a few facts.”
“Oh? Like what?”
“Like the fact that you and I made love Friday night, and the incredibly satisfied feeling I experienced afterward wasn’t just a result of simple sexual gratification. Like the fact that I care about you, Zoey, and I know you care about me. Like the fact that—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” she interjected. “Hold it right there. Don’t you dare presume to know how I feel about anything. Any caring I may have done about you—”
“May?”
he demanded. “
Have
done?”
“—has just been because I want to make sure you’re not going to shortchange Juliana,” she concluded, ignoring his burst of outrage. “It has nothing to do with us...with me.”
“Oh, really?” he asked, not even bothering to hide his doubt. “Then that was what Friday night was all about, was it? For two decades—
two decades,
Zoey—you abstained from having sex with anyone, but you made love with me because you were worried about Juliana’s welfare? You risked becoming pregnant again because you were concerned that I might not raise her properly?”
A muscle in Zoey’s cheek twitched almost imperceptibly, and she clenched her teeth together, hard. But she said nothing in response.
So he continued, dropping his voice to a near whisper. “You could be carrying a baby right now, Zoey. A baby that would be partly mine. If you think I’m going to leave something like that up in the air, then—as I’ve said on so many occasions—you’ve misjudged me terribly.”
When she continued to remain silent and only arched her left eyebrow at him, Jonas was reminded of the first night she had spent at his house. She looked as if she was ready to belt him again, and he wanted instinctively to cup his hands over that tender part of himself she’d assaulted before. Instead, he curled his fingers over her shoulders and pulled her toward him, pressing his mouth to hers.
Immediately, she melted against him. All the tension, all the anxiety, all the fight, fled from them both, and they fell into the embrace as if it would be their last. Zoey kissed him back with a fervor that put his own to shame, knotting her fingers in his hair, tasting him as if he were a delicacy like none she’d ever savored before.
And then she pushed him away.
Without a backward glance, without a word of farewell, she fled from the kitchen as if in fear of her life. Jonas watched her go, standing in place because he hadn’t the energy to move, panting for breath because he’d forgotten to breathe while he was kissing her. His fingers were curled before him as if he still clung to bits of fiery hair, and his lips still burned from her touch. He could still feel the way she had leaned into him, could almost swear the soft globes of her breasts were still pressing against him.
Somehow, Zoey Holland had become a part of him. And there was every possibility that he had become a part of her—physically if not emotionally. She couldn’t change that simply by leaving his house. He was damned if he would let her get away that easily.
He dropped his hands to his sides and suddenly remembered that he had a nanny orientation to perform. What was her name again? he wondered for a moment. Standard. Right. Mrs. Standard. Juliana’s new nanny.
But just having a nanny wasn’t good enough for Jules. Jules deserved a mother, too. Once again, Jonas’s thoughts turned to Zoey, and how perfectly suited she was to the part. And once again, he began to hatch a plan. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad. He only hoped Zoey would give him a chance.
Friday would be his last opportunity. Come Friday, one way or another, he’d make Zoey see what was already so clear to him. That she couldn’t live without Juliana and him. And they sure as hell couldn’t live without her.