Duplicity (5 page)

Chapter 6

Lilith’s thoughts were thick as she tried to figure out what was
going on. There was
an urgency
somewhere, a reason she
should fight through this fog of sleep. Something was trying to drag her out of
her warm, cozy space.

And it was annoying.

Phone.
This word had meaning to her.
Purpose.
She identified
the urgent, annoying thing. It was ringing.

Her hand shot out from under the blanket, and she groped along the
nightstand until she encountered the object she was looking for. She yanked her
arm back into the warmth and pressed the phone to her ear.
“’Lo?”

“Lily-bean?”

Her eyes shot open.
“Daddy?”

“Hey, baby.” His voice was so gentle it made Lilith’s heart twist.

Hearing her father’s voice always made her feel like a little
girl. It wasn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, she had nothing but good memories
of her childhood. What made her heart twist and her breath catch was the ache
of loss she felt.

Once upon a time, she’d been her father’s princess, the apple of
his eye, and the very center of his universe. Her mother had died when she was
just a baby, but she hadn’t lacked for anything growing up.

For the most part, her father was bewildered. When she was a
teenager, she’d become someone he didn’t understand. While he still loved her,
he didn’t know how to deal with her, and she didn’t know what to tell him.

“Happy birthday.
Twenty-one.
That’s the last big milestone until what?
Thirty, maybe?”

Lilith laughed. “Yeah, I guess. Last special rights birthday until
sixty-five when I get the right to pay less for a meal. I’m supposed to get
trashed tonight, right?”

There was a beat of silence, and Lilith wondered if it was wise to
remind him she could drink legally now. She tensed, waiting for the inevitable
moment the conversation got awkward.

Her father surprised her by going with the flow.
“So you’re going to exercise your right to party then?”

“Ah, well. Malcolm and Dana are forcing me.”

“That’s good, though. You should have a good time. Why didn’t you
head to Vegas?”

“Are you kidding?” Lilith snorted. “I’ve heard all the stories.
I’d have blown my rent money at the airport just because I could.”

“Well, there is that.”

He surprised her again by launching into a story of his own
twenty-first and how miserable it had been. He’d gone with a friend, and they’d
had a huge, friendship-ending fight.

“Your mother was there, you know,” he mused toward the end of his
story.”
On the same weekend, at the very same casino.”

Lilith sat straight up in bed.
“Really?”

“We didn’t find out until much later, of course. Her birthday was
the day after mine, remember?”

“I remember you told me.” Her heart panged, missing the woman
she’d never known. Her father’s voice got so wistful when he spoke of her.

“She was there, in the same place, ironically having just as bad a
time as I was.” He gave a small sigh—not sad, just lost in thought. “Even
across the country from home, we were running in the same circles.”

“And had the same bad taste
in friends.”

“It was her boyfriend making her miserable. Lucky for me, I
suppose.”

“Yeah.
Lucky for me, too.”

She was quiet for a minute, almost kicking herself for the
question she was about to blurt out. They were having such a nice conversation.

Ruining a pleasant conversation with her father was something
Lilith had always excelled at. “So how’s my little brother?”

Sure enough, she could almost feel her father tense. “Aiden’s
doing very well. Straight A’s in school still. He was just voted MVP of his
basketball team, and he’s borrowing my keys all the time since he got his
license.”

“That’s good.” Lilith’s throat felt tight.

Aiden was her sixteen-year-old brother and, so far, turning out to
be just the kind of teenager Lilith had not been. He was a good boy who didn’t
cause much trouble.

Why she felt compelled to ask if she could talk to Aiden, Lilith
couldn’t say. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since she was nineteen. As far
as her father and stepmother were concerned, she was too bad of an influence.
She hadn’t changed, so their decision wouldn’t change. Those facts didn’t stop
her from asking, though.

Her father sighed, the sound exasperated. “You know the answer to
that.”

“Yeah.
Delilah still thinks I’ll taint the kid just by speaking to him.”

“Lilith—”

“I get it,” she muttered. “It was nice of you to call, Dad. I
guess
it’s
good you’re old enough she doesn’t worry
about you.”

Another pause.
Another sigh.
“I sent you a card, Lil. Get yourself
something you need, okay?” He hesitated. “I love you.”

Lilith bit her lip. “Bye, Dad.” She hung up the phone before he
could say another word.

She pressed her fist to her mouth, trying hard to put a damper on
the emotion that threatened to overwhelm her.

What she wanted most was to hold on to her anger. She had been a
good big sister. She loved and cherished her little brother and hadn’t ever resented
him. They’d loved each other. Even when Lilith had proven to be a bad daughter,
she was still a good sister. She’d have done anything to protect her
brother—that was how so many of her problems with her father had started in the
first place—and yet they’d been ripped apart.

Anger she could understand. Her anger was justified. Would it have
killed them to let her talk to Aiden? It wasn’t as though she was going to drag
him into her den of sin.

Despite her want to hold on to it, as soon as she hung up the
phone, her anger dwindled, giving way to a much stronger emotion. It was a
quiet devastation that crept over her like a shroud. She never got used to this
feeling, like she was covered in filth, like she was corroded at her core. She
felt wrong.
Bad.

Shame was a thick feeling. It coated her tongue, making even the
air she breathed taste foul. It weighed on her, stooping her shoulders.

Her father said he loved her and she always had a home. Sometimes,
Lilith wanted to believe. She wanted to believe it so bad she had to close her
eyes and breathe through her nose until the intensity of the desire faded.

How could it be true if they thought she was too fucked up to even
speak to their precious child?

Lying back down, Lilith pulled the blankets over her head. She
tucked her legs up to her chest, ignoring the tears that had overflowed.

Closing her eyes, she hoped sleep would find her again.

~0~

Despite her repeated insistence she was in no mood to go out—like
any of them could afford it anyway—Mal and Dana wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Even Erin smiled and encouraged her. Lilith and
Mal’s
girlfriend didn’t always get along, but they didn’t hate each other.

The bar they dragged her to was a friendly kind of place. Mal made
it known it was her twenty-first birthday—never mind that he and Dana were
still using fake IDs—and the shots started flowing like water.

They ordered a variety of appetizers, and Lilith’s bad mood began
to dissipate. So what if her father didn’t understand her? She had these two,
and she didn’t need anyone else. They accepted her for who she was. They didn’t
think she was bad or wrong.

She had a fleeting thought, wishing Trey was there. It surprised
her so much, she cut off mid-conversation.

“You okay?” Dana asked.

“Yeah.”
Lilith shook her head. “
I .
 . . um. I
just remembered I forgot
my .
 . .
sweater at work.”

Her friends nodded, either not noticing her stutter or choosing to
ignore it. It wasn’t atypical for them to shy away from any mention of work.
Maybe they accepted her for who she was, but that didn’t mean they wanted to
know details about her workday.

Just as she was beginning to let her guard down, Mal had to go and
ruin it.

A friend of his just happened to be at the bar at the same time.
That wouldn’t have been so curious except that Nathan, as he was introduced,
was there alone. Not a lot of people their age ended up in bars drinking alone.
And then he’d said the magic words.

“
Mal’s
told me a lot about you.”

Lilith glared surreptitious daggers at her friend while he blinked
back, the picture of innocence.

In all fairness, there was a lot to like about Nathan, so she
could at least see the wisdom behind the pairing. She kept things casual,
careful to divert the man’s considerable charm. She went to the bathroom, and
when she came back, she put Dana between them.

When she’d had a few too many shots—being no stranger to alcohol,
she could hold her liquor well—she leaned behind Dana, taking Nathan’s wrist to
pull him toward her so she could whisper in his ear.

“I don’t know what
Mal’s
told you,
sport, but you should know. I let people fuck me for money. And I’m damn good
at what I do.”

The look on Nathan’s face told her everything. Mal had not warned
him. He stumbled, stuttered, made his excuses, and was gone in the next two
minutes.

Mal fixed her with a disparaging look. “What did you do? What did
you say to him?”

“What do you think I said to him?” There was a challenge in her
tone; she was ready for a fight.

It was one of the worst feelings in the world to feel so alone in
a crowded room.

“Things were going well. Did you have to—
”

“In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever been on a single
date?”

“No, and that was the point.” He drummed his fingers against the
table. “I think a nice guy in your life could help.”

The waitress appeared just in time with another shot. Lilith
grabbed it before she could even put it down on the table. She shot it back,
slamming the empty glass down before she leveled a glare at her friend. “Could
help what?” Her voice was low and dangerous.

She could tell from the expression on
Mal’s
face he knew he was in trouble. He gave a little huff. “Significant others
aren’t bad things.” He looked over at Erin, squeezing her hand. “It’s nice, you
know? It’s nice to have someone supporting you, helping you through life.”

Lilith scoffed. “It’s very obvious how much Nathan would support
my job choice,” she said, gesturing toward the door.

“You didn’t have to tell him about that.”

“Oh, yeah.
It
sounds like a great idea to start a relationship based on a lie?” She shook her
head. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I think you should try to have
something normal.”

“Oh, fuck you, Mal. Normal? Just fuck you.”

For a second, it seemed as though he was going to apologize. Then
his eyes hardened. “Look, can we not do this? Can we not sit here and pretend
what you do is a good thing? It’s not wrong, you know I don’t think it’s wrong,
but it’s not great.

“This—” he gestured between him and Erin “—is something you should
want. This is something people work for—a relationship, a good future, a real
life. This is something people do everything in their power to have. You take
the crappy little jobs at McDonald’s or in retail. You do whatever you need to
do.”

“Except have sex.
Do
everything else. Suck some asshole’s dick metaphorically as long as you don’t
have to do it in reality.”

“Mal,
Lilith .
 . . please
don’t—” Dana started to interrupt, but Lilith cut her off.

“No, Danes. It’s fine. Whatever.” She got to her feet, swaying.
The room was spinning, but the absolute need to get the hell out of there
helped her keep her balance. “You normal people have fun.
Happy
fucking birthday to me.”
She fished through her purse because Mal had
the habit of dumping his keys in there rather than keep them in his pocket.

“Lilith, don’t be that way.”
Mal’s
voice
was rough as he rose to follow her. “You know you can’t drive—”

“Look, you’ve made it clear you think I’m an idiot, but that’s not
true.” She shoved the keys in his hand. “I’ll take a cab, or I’ll walk, but you
stay the fuck away from me right now, get it?”

She didn’t wait for an answer. She stormed out of the club, away
from her friends and into the night alone.