Dust (17 page)

"He'll get over it."

Jewel smiled sadly, but then gave me a quick, confident nod. She
would
see my fight with Killian as a hurdle to overcome in her quest to heal the damage between him and Gabe. When she turned around, I looked out the window. My phone beeped again, but I didn't look at it.

When it rang, I silenced it without answering.

We both needed to cool off before talking. If he could be so crude as to throw our intimacy in my face, I didn't want to know what vile words he could spew when he didn't have to take the time to type them out on his phone.

"Stay strong," Jewel muttered. I glanced at her and nodded. I really didn't want to talk about this at all right now.

Another phone beeped and both Gabe and Jewel dug for theirs to check. Gabe chuckled.

"It's okay. It's just my mom." He reached over and caressed Jewel's cheek. "Do you mind if we swing by her house first? She has a leak behind her washer and wanted to know where the main water shut-off valve is since she can't reach behind the washer to the one behind it. It'll be easier if I just stop by to move the washer and dryer out and shut off the water there. Should only take a few minutes."

"Yeah, that's no problem." Jewel beamed up at him.

Right now, I was hating the stupid stick. I needed a sense stick to beat myself with to counter the effects and give me more logic. Killian could use a few strikes with it, too. He was the one who started this fight.
Uh-uh-uh. You did by going against his wishes.
I didn't want to listen to reason though, so I shut down that inner voice and watched the trees fly by outside.

We passed a park where children played, and I had to look away. The ball field, the slide, the swings...it all felt too familiar. I studied my fingers as they twisted between each other, trying not to feel that sense of longing I'd felt when I was a child and wanted nothing more than to go play at the park with the other kids. A desire so strong that it had resulted in my sister's death. All because of a park. My scalp prickled.

A park just like the one we'd passed.

My head snapped up. The trees...the sidewalk...the streetlights...the houses...they were all similar, eerily like the ones of my childhood. Only the streetlights were a little more rusted, the sidewalks had cracks, and the houses had more mature landscapes.

My body went numb, cold. These were not just
like
the ones where I used to live.

We were in my old neighborhood. The place where my life had forever changed, and Sam's had ended.

"Oh, god," I breathed. Only I couldn't find any air.

We pulled into a driveway. I looked up at the house. Someone was screaming. I figured it was me.

It wasn't.

C
offee
.

The smell of it being freshly brewed wrenched me from my sleep, but the moment I was awake, I smiled as something sweeter engulfed me. Through the heady aroma of Granddad's Columbian roast, there was Liv. I could still smell her on my pillow, on my sheets, and I enjoyed being enveloped by her scent. I was in no hurry to get up and away from the comforting fragrance that lingered from yesterday. I could drown in her natural perfume and die a peaceful man. That's what she did to me. She centered me whether she was physically near or not. It was all her doing even though she didn't have to do anything but just be herself. She offered me something that had been missing from my life for so long, and she did so without even trying. She gave me peace.

When I was around her, I wasn't edgy or fidgety. I didn't have to fight the need to fill the silence. She was my serenity, the place I could physically go where once only my art allowed me to mentally travel. She gave me independence from my inner demons. Freedom from myself. She'd done more for me than medication, doctors, or even Mr. Noble had ever done.

And still she gifted me with so much more than that.

Yesterday had been amazing. One of the best days of my life. No contest existed for comparison. It was as if I were missing a part of my soul before she entered into my life, and making love to her had solidified her presence, anchored her into my heart.

I was in love with her.

There was no doubt that I loved her. I might have been in love with her since the day she scurried into art class and sat next to me. I hadn't been a social outcast, but people had sometimes stayed away from me before I'd attacked that asshole with a desk. After that incident, the "sometimes" had become "usually." I hadn't blamed them. I would've stayed away from me, too, if I had been able. But my fearless firecracker had waltzed right over beside me, planted herself into my life, and starting growing in my heart. I hadn't accepted it at first, but when I decided to stop fighting it, I felt so much freer than I had ever felt. I doubted I'd be able to completely let go of my fear of hurting her, but rather than thinking it was because I'd been created by an evil man, I knew it was because I'd always worry about her wellbeing. It wasn't a fear of what I was capable of, it was a fear born out of a need to ensure her safety—a feeling I would readily accept.

I took another whiff, letting her essence settle into my bones, before getting out of bed and pulling on some lounge pants—I didn't bother with a T-shirt—and followed the smell of caffeine into the kitchen. If I hadn't done it then, I'd be staying in bed all morning, and fighting the urge to call Liv, asking her to come over and join me. My dick twitched, signaling its vote on that idea, but I overruled it. Liv had said she'd be studying this morning, but that she'd be free to meet for lunch. I could wait. Her hot little ass had better be finished studying, because when I saw her, she would not be returning to her books.

"Good morning, son," Granddad said when I walked in. Even his reference to my jackass father couldn't dampen my mood.

"Morning, Granddad. How'd you sleep?" I clapped him on the back on my way to the coffee pot.

"Er, fine. You?" His chair scraped on the floor as he turned to look at me. I gazed at him from the side as I poured my cup, allowing him to assess me and determine on his own that I was not his son.

"Like a rock." After I'd gotten home from dropping off Liv, I'd stumbled into bed and hadn't woken up until this morning. My little firecracker had worn me out. I smiled into my cup and walked to the table to sit next to Granddad.

"Killian," he murmured as he picked up his own cup. No confirmation was necessary. I could tell by the look in his eyes he knew it was me. He took a sip of his coffee. "Don't forget we need to go through the attic to get the donations ready for the retirement home. Every time I try to go up there, Margo chews my head off. That woman is part devil, I'm sure of it."

I chuckled. She was a saint if anything. "I haven't forgotten."

"You ready for graduation?"

"Yes, sir." It felt weird knowing I'd be finished with college in just a couple of weeks. Part of me knew I could always go back and work on my master's, but from here on out, I'd be working full-time. I thought I should be scared by that, but instead I felt liberated. It was another step in me claiming my life for myself and not living in the shadow of my father.

"You seem as if you are. I'm proud of you."

I looked up at him and smiled. It wasn't often he gave me praise—that had been my grandma's doing growing up—but when he did, it always made me feel good because I knew how much he meant the words. "Thanks. I'm proud of me, too."

"Ah, I'd wondered if you'd gotten dentures. Glad to see you hadn't."

Huh?
I couldn't help the frown I felt pulling on my lips. I usually tried not to react when he rambled about something that only made sense in his head, but my reaction had been immediate.

He chuckled. "Because you never smile. I hear dentures are uncomfortable." He flashed his natural, toothy grin, and I laughed at his silly joke, though part of my humor was really relief he hadn't been in the midst of a confused spell. "I'm happy to see you smiling more lately," he said after taking another sip. "You've been through a lot in your life. Too much for a boy like you. Hell, too much for anybody."

"Yeah." I had been, but he and Grandma had been there to pick me up and help me during the darkest part of it. Not that I'd been so eager to accept them. "Sorry I wasn't always the easiest person in the world to live with."

"Nonsense. Teens are never easy, and you adjusted well." I smirked and darted a challenging look at him. "Okay, you got me there. You didn’t adjust easily, but you did eventually, and I'm happy you've been here." He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. "These last couple of years, especially."

"I miss her, too," I mumbled.

"I miss her always." Then he smiled at me. "But I'll see her soon. The princess angel tells me so, after she talks of your angel of course." So much for lucidity. I nodded and drank some more of my coffee. "Don't believe me?"

I glanced at him. "What's there for me to believe?" I hedged. Talk of angels was the norm for him. If it made it him feel better, I wasn't going to correct him. Besides, I knew his days were numbered. He'd taken Grandma's death really hard, but whatever he was seeing was turning his spirits around at least a little.

His smile was knowing, but I didn't understand why. "You are much happier these days. My brain may fail me from time to time, but I notice it. What's changed?"

I bit my lip to keep from grinning like a fool. Hell, I probably had been this whole time. "I've met someone."

"A lady friend?"

"Yes."

He chuckled. "My, they do put a spring in our steps, don't they? I tell you, the day your grandma walked into my first class freshman year, I knew I was a goner. No hope for me."

I knew exactly what he meant.

"Be careful, though. Always treat her with love and respect."

The haunted look in his eyes angered me. Not anger at him, but at the thought of what my father's action had done to him and Grandma. I hadn't been the only one left to deal with the aftermath, and my grandparents had borne the brunt of any backlash. "There's no other option for me, Granddad. I'll always treat her the way she deserves to be treated."

"Good, good. I know you harbor a lot of bad feelings toward your father, but you should learn from his mistakes."

My teeth snapped shut. Bringing up my father in this context was more than just unnerving. Was he trying to compare me to that asshole? There were few things that set me off, and implying the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree was right up there with insulting my pride. "Don't shoot my girlfriend. Check."

"Killian," he admonished. "I'm not saying you'd do that. In fact I know you wouldn't—"

"Just like my father wouldn't have hurt my mother? Or did you see that coming?" I was being an ass, but I couldn't help it. My father would always be a sensitive subject for me, and mixing it with Liv proved to be explosive.

"Don't take that tone with me, boy. Your father was a very sick man. He did a lot of bad things. He hurt you, his mistress, and her son, and killed your mom. I wish I could say he once had a kind heart, but he was hardheaded on good days. On bad days...well, he was a force to be reckoned with."

I jumped up, rage building from so many angles. I pointed my finger at him. "First, he did more than hurt me. Second, I don't give a damn about the whore he used or Gabe!" I stalked out of the kitchen and to my bedroom. Jesus, I was so mad, I was shaking. How could my morning have gone from wonderful to shit inside of ten minutes? I shoved my hands in my hair and paced by my bed. Emotions were choking me on so many levels. Despair for my mother's untimely demise. Loathing for my father for taking her away from me when he had mixed with the subtle fear that bubbled up when I thought about my past with him. And I felt a combination of both anger and betrayal when I thought of Gabe. I didn't want to think about any of those people right now. I wanted my firecracker. I needed her to center me because right now I felt as if I were hovering on the edge and was willing to take the jump rather than wait for the fall.

God, she wasn't supposed to be free until lunch, but I needed to talk to her. Maybe just hearing her voice would calm me, tide me over until she was available. I grabbed my cell from my nightstand, but froze when I saw I'd missed a text from her earlier. Then I read it. I looked at it a second time, more slowly just to be sure I hadn't misread it. The rage from earlier doubled, and I wanted to chunk my phone across my room and watch it smash against the wall. I squeezed my fist around it to keep from doing just that, but I couldn't stop my mind from screaming. What in the hell was she doing with Gabe? "Fuck!"

"Killian!" Granddad yelled and grabbed my shirt collar. "What has gotten into you?"

"Not now, Granddad." I gently pulled his hand off me so I wouldn't hurt him and fired off a text back to her. "WTF, Liv? I f'n TOLD u to stay away frm him!"

It didn't take long for her to reply back, "Don't be a dick! I'm with Jewel."

My laughter at that was maniacal. Un-fucking-believable! She thought I was being a dick? She did not know Gabe like I did. That weasel was playing an angle, and I was not going to let her get caught up in his lies. "Where r u? I'm coming to get u."

"Screw u!"

What?
"U did already," I replied, knowing I'd regret it as soon as I calmed down.

"Killian," Granddad said and my gaze shot to him. "What's going on? You're walking around like a caged animal."

I looked at my phone, but she hadn't replied. "Are u ignoring me now?" I sent back, and then I looked at the frail man in front of me. I took a deep breath. I did not want to lash out at him. This was misplaced anger. I'd seen enough doctors to know when it happened, but I also knew medication only went so far. Calming down would now only come when I was good and ready, which meant when I got Liv away from Gabe. "It's my girlfriend. I'm worried about her."

He frowned. "Is she in trouble?"

"Yes." I went to my recent calls on my phone and hit her name. If she wouldn't text me, she could talk to me. Each time it rang, I felt my blood getting hotter. When her voicemail picked up, I had to keep from growling at her. "Liv. I know I pissed you off. I'm sorry. But you know how I fucking feel about Gabe. I asked you to avoid him, and now you're out having coffee with him? I have my reasons for staying away from him, and you know this. God, woman. Can't you see I'm not acting like a jerk just for the hell of it. Gabe is dangerous. I want you to get away from him now. As soon as you listen to this message, stop what you're doing, leave him, and call me back. I'll come get you. You can kick my ass later for being a dick. I just need you safe." I threw the phone on my bed and then sat, trying not to roar out my frustration. When I felt the bed move beside me, I looked up and into Granddad's eyes.

"Gabriel Lowery?"

I sighed and nodded. "I can't seem to get away from him." I'd considered transferring schools freshmen year when I saw him on campus, but that had felt too much like running. And my grandparents had needed me. I couldn't desert them when they'd put their lives on hold to take me in. No, I hadn't run from the school...just from him. I had avoided him at every possibility. Four years of seeing him and remembering the pain. I had locked it down and avoided that, too, but right now, it was hard to ignore the man who my former best friend had become. He was tangled in my life, and I wanted him out of it so I could go back to ignoring the past and focusing on the future.

"That boy has always been searching for his way. He was jealous of your happiness when you were little. You had the home life he wanted."

"Yeah." I didn't need reminding though. I rubbed my face roughly and stared into the open space of my bedroom. I was fully aware of just what Gabe had wanted—us to be brothers. A childhood fantasy that I had shared. Where mine had been innocent—wishing he was my parents' son, too—his had been wrought with twisted lies.

"Maybe he never grew out of that."

My head whipped around to look at him. "We're not little kids anymore. Hell, I wanted to be a firefighting astronaut stationed on Mercury when I grew up. I grew out of that, too."

He shrugged, though it didn't seem like a casual gesture. "An obsession like that might not be easy to overcome. He was a little boy, influenced by his mother." He half-smiled at me. "You can't tell me that you didn't take every word your mother said as truth. It's the same thing."

I glared at him. Why was he telling me this? Did he want me to feel sorry for Gabe? "It's not the same thing. My mom didn't feed me lies."

"No, but who are we to say what his mom ever told him. Are they lies if she herself believed them?" He sighed. "He must have a reason for inserting himself into your life again, Killian. If he couldn't have what he wanted then, maybe he wants to have it now. Be friends again."