Authors: Beth Rinyu
* * *
It had officially been three weeks and five days since Jaxson walked out of my life, and as much as I didn’t want to think I was sitting around waiting for him to come back to me…I knew I was. I felt myself falling into a depression, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t slip out of it. The only thing that had kept me going was the fact that my period was a week late, which was a rarity for me. As crazy as it sounded, I wanted to be pregnant. If I couldn’t have Jaxson, then I wanted to have a part of him. The last hope of that happening quickly faded when I woke up in the morning to find that my monthly friend had made an overnight visit. I walked back into my bedroom after coming out of the bathroom and threw myself down on the bed, burying my head into my pillow, feeling sorry for myself. I reached for my ringing cell phone and contemplated answering when I saw that it was Meg, my drama teacher. I finally decided to answer on the last ring.
“Hey, Meg, what’s up?”
“Well, I know it’s probably gonna be another blow off from you, but I figured I’d at least try. That audition I told you about a few months ago, it’s in three days. Sam, the agent really wants you to go. I know you’re in school, but you could fly out for one day and be back in no time.”
I sat up. I had actually forgotten all about the audition, but maybe that’s just what I needed, a change of scenery to take my mind off things. “Actually, I’m not in school. I’ll do it,” I blurted out. “Just text me the info so I can schedule my flight and hotel.”
“Sam, are you serious?” Her voice rose an octave.
“Yeah, I am.”
“Awesome! I will text you everything right away and be sure to mention me in your academy award speech.”
I hung up the phone, forcing myself to break out of the funk I was in. In a few days I would be on the other side of the country, far away from the memories of this place. It seemed so bittersweet to me. I didn’t want to leave the memories that this place held of Jaxson and me. Yet, at the same time, I needed to get away from those memories if I ever wanted to snap out of this.
Meg’s text with all of the information came through almost instantaneously. There was so much I needed to do: book my flight, book my hotel, pack, and get to the bank to get some money out for this trip. But first on my list was some much needed goodbyes to the people who mattered to me.
My first stop was to the cemetery armed with a bouquet of roses from my grandmother’s rose bushes. I laid them down at my mother’s grave and took a seat on the ground. “I wasn’t sure what color was your favorite, so I brought you a couple of each. I’m going to be leaving in a few days to chase a ridiculous dream of mine, but at this point, I figure I have nothing to lose. I know if you were here you would understand and support me through it.” I took a deep breath and looked around the empty cemetery. “I hope you don’t mind, but I read some of your diary to get to know you a little better.” I smiled, just thinking about some of her entries and how much alike the two of us were. “I just know that if you were still here the two of us would have been the closest that a mother and daughter could have been. I memorized your last entry. I know it pertains to you and my father, but it’s so perfect for my situation right now. I can’t help but wonder if you wrote that for me, knowing I would need it someday.” I closed my eyes reciting the words she had written:
I fell in love with a boy, who turned into a man, who turned into someone I no longer knew.
I gave him my heart, and he gave me his. He promised me forever…but forever was too long for him.
Now I must face my forever without him, and although my heart is hurting, it will eventually heal, and I will be a stronger person because I loved him.
“I hope I can get through forever without him, Mom.” The wind began to pick up, and a sense of comfort overcame me. It was as if it were her way of telling me that I was going to be okay and I would get through this.
* * *
My next stop was to Pete’s station. I ignored the wandering eyes of his employees as I got out of my car and headed into his office. “Sam! What a nice surprise!” he said, lifting his head from his papers on his desk.
“Hey,” I smiled taking a seat opposite him.
“How’s it going?” he asked. I shrugged, hoping he would answer the question that was going through my mind without having to ask it. “No, I haven’t heard from him.”
I looked down at the ground and nodded. “Well, I came to say goodbye.”
“Are you going back home?” he asked.
“No. I’m actually going out to California.” He raised his eyebrow. “My drama teacher is hooking me up with this agent out there who wants me to audition for some big movie. It’s a long shot, but I figure…what the heck else do I have to lose?”
A huge smile spread across his face. “That’s wonderful, Sam. More people need to chase their dreams like that.”
“Well, I’m not sure if I’m chasing a dream or completely losing my mind, but it beats sitting around feeling sorry for myself.”
“You are not losing your mind, and if you are as good as your mom was in the school plays, then you will be a shoe-in for that part.”
I let out a deep breath. “I can only hope.” I bit my bottom lip, feeling myself becoming more emotional. “Thank you so much for everything, Pete. Thank you for releasing me from the lie that was my entire life. Thank you for allowing me to get to know my mother through you and Bonnie. And thank you for believing in Jaxson and seeing the same good in him that I did.”
“You are so welcome, Sam.” His voice was solemn. “Now go break a leg.” A smile stretched across his face.
* * *
I went to my final stop, the saddest one of all, the beach just outside my grandmother’s door…the place where I had first laid eyes on Jaxson. The place where we had first made love, and the place where I watched that love we shared crumble into pieces. I walked up to the water, taking the letter that I had written him from the envelope, and read it over once again:
Dear Jaxson,
Am I crazy to think this letter will ever find you? Probably. I feel as if I have been through every emotion possible since you left. Sad, angry, confused, shocked, but I’ve finally come to the most important one…acceptance.
I’m learning to accept that you and I will never have the future that I wanted so badly. I’m no longer angry at you for walking away so easily because I realize now, it wasn’t easy for you. There are things in life that are unforgivable, like what that monster did to you, or the lies my father led me to believe my entire life. Then there are things that are unforgettable, like catching frogs on a warm summer night, speaking a million words without saying anything at all, and a love that very few will ever get to experience. A love so deep. A love so strong. A love that I will take with me through the rest of my life. I only hope that you will do the same.
I love you, Jaxson Callahan, and I will love you ten years, twenty years, and even one hundred years from now. No matter where you are, no matter where you go, I hope you always remember that there is someone who will love you for eternity.
So now I will end this letter with words that were not written by me, but words I feel were written for us:
I fell in love with a boy, who turned into a man, who turned into someone I no longer knew.
I gave him my heart, and he gave me his. He promised me forever…but forever was too long for him.
Now I must face my forever without him, and although my heart is hurting, it will eventually heal, and I will be a stronger person because I loved him.
Yours Forever,
~ Samantha
I folded the letter back up and walked to the water, bent down, and placed it in the sand just where the waves were washing ashore. “I, Samantha, will love you, Jaxson, for the rest of my life.” My eyes remained focused on the piece of paper, waiting for it to get washed out to sea. The first surge of water rolled upon the sand moving it ever so slightly, followed by a second much stronger swell that carried it further into the surf until it was finally out of sight. Just like my relationship with Jaxson, out of sight, but never out of mind.
Four years later…
Many people feel that money, beauty, or fame is a requirement for happiness. I had them all, yet happiness still eluded me. I had made my mark as an actress, achieving what was once my lifelong dream.
I had left my grandmother’s beach house on that rainy, cool September day four years ago and never looked back. I landed the role that I had auditioned for and many other roles after that. I was now considered one of Hollywood’s A-list actresses. To everyone else, I seemed to have it all, but I knew the truth. Inside I was empty, never letting the rest of the world know what I still secretly yearned for. I was playing a part in real life as well. Samantha Rose Carmichael no longer existed on paper. I was now Sam Lemley, figuring that was a nice way to honor my mother and disregard my father, who kept his word as did I. He no longer had a daughter, and I no longer had a father. My grandmother passed away, leaving everything to me, including her beach house. I just wanted to sell it and get rid of all the memories that place held, but something deep down in my heart was stopping me. So, I paid someone to look after it and to keep up on the garden, which was always so important to my grammy. Pete and Bonnie had come out to visit me several times and ended up getting married in a tiny little vineyard in Northern California; I was honored to attend as Bonnie’s maid of honor even though, seeing them brought back memories of the person who was always on my mind. Jaxson had never returned after he left that day. Pete said that he heard around town that Jaxson had joined the military, but he wasn’t sure if it was true or not. I prayed every day for his safety wherever he was. Even after four years, I still missed him like crazy and wished that things could have been different between the two of us.
Hadley had moved to Georgia with Henry after he retired. I still kept in touch with her on a monthly basis and promised to pay her a visit once I was on the East Coast again.
I had been dating Ian Wright for the past three months. He was my co-star in the current number one movie at the box office. Our relationship started out as a publicity stunt that began to turn into something a little more. He was definitely handsome, and he knew it, as did the majority of the female population. He was the exact opposite of Jaxson. Pretentious, loved to be in the limelight, and so into himself. I questioned myself every day as to why we were even dating. Even with my level of fame, I tried to remain as grounded as possible, never feeling like I was better than anyone else. To me, it was just a job like any other. I didn’t let my fame define me.
“Sam, the production company is drawing up the contract for the sequel to
Love Notes.
We need to go over it once it’s done so you can sign it right away, and they can get the ball rolling.” Libby, my agent who was always on my case, yammered.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Libs,” I replied as we walked out of the coffee shop with a million camera flashes going off in my face. “Do these people ever get tired? Wow! I got coffee today…big deal!”
Libby let out a chuckle. “Oh, Sam, be happy that they are following you around. It’s when they’re not that you should be worried.”
We got into Libby’s car, and I gave the cameras one last wave before closing the door. “Ugh…” I threw my head back on her seat. “Is there a way to do this without all of the attention?”
“Sweetheart, you are one of the hottest, if not
the
hottest, actresses in Hollywood right now. Not to mention who your boyfriend is…this is your life. Enjoy!” She grinned.
I shook my head and pulled my sunglasses back down to my eyes. This was so not the life I wanted, but I knew the life that I really wanted was just a fantasy now, so I had to settle for the next best thing…this.
We pulled into the long driveway of my Beverly Hills home and went inside. Libby was raiding my closet for a dinner she was attending while I lay down on my bed, trying to fight off the migraine I felt coming on. I got up to close the blinds hoping that the darkness would prevent the pain from going any further.
“Hey, why’d you close them?” Libby asked, coming out of my closet with two dresses in her hand.
“My head.”
“Another headache, Sam? You seriously need to get them checked out.” She dug through her purse and pulled out a prescription bottle. “Here, this is my prescription for my migraines. It’s a miracle drug.”
“Thanks.” I swallowed down the pill with the cup of coffee that was on my nightstand and lay back down.
I had been battling these migraines for the past six months. I had mentioned them to my doctor, and he didn’t seem too concerned. He said they could be caused by numerous factors, stress being one of them. He advised me to keep a journal of each time I had gotten one as well as my food intake and stress activity for the day. In the past three weeks, I had been logging in at least one or two a day, each worse than the next, some of them awakening me from my sleep in the middle of the night.