Authors: Beth Rinyu
I wasn’t brave enough to face Hadley and deliver the news, and I didn’t want to tell her over the phone, so I did the next best thing, I wrote her a letter, a letter that I would send out when the time was right. I didn’t want her coming from miles away to take care of me. I wanted her to remember me the way I was the last time she had seen me, alive and full of life. The thought of calling my dad crossed my mind a million times. I didn’t want to die with any unfinished business, but every time I picked up the phone do it, I hung up before I hit the call button. For all he knew, I could be dead right now; I hadn’t spoken to him since that day on the beach. The day I still considered the worst day of my life, even worse than the day I was diagnosed with cancer. In that time, he never reached out to me, and even though I had told myself that I was completely okay with it, I knew that deep down inside I wasn’t.
I took a deep breath as I sat on the front porch waiting for Pete to arrive. I wasn’t sure how much longer I would even have to form a coherent sentence, so I knew that it was now or never. I hit my dad’s name in my contacts, and my stomach fluttered while I waited for an answer. By the fourth ring, I was feeling a little disheartened. Four years. He hadn’t spoken to his daughter in four long years, and he couldn’t even pick up the phone. I waited for his voice mail message to play out before clearing my throat and beginning to speak. “Hey, it’s me. Surprise. Well, I was just calling to say goodbye. I—I’m dying, Dad. I’m not going to tell you where I am because I don’t want you to feel compelled to make amends with me just because of this. I just wanted you to know. I’m okay with it, and maybe I’m even a little relieved.” I let out a loud sob, quickly pulling it together, knowing that the annoying beep would soon be cutting me off. “I’m not scared, and I don’t feel alone because I know she’s going to be there waiting for me.” I sucked in a breath and choked back another sob. My hands were trembling, and my voice cracked, “I just wanted you to know that despite everything that has happened…I do love you. Goodbye, Dad.”
I wiped the teardrop from my eye. Maybe it was just as well that he didn’t answer. I took a deep breath and began to doodle in the notebook in my hand, finally gathering my thoughts to write my final letter to Jaxson.
Dear Jaxson,
Thank you for coming back into my life when I needed you the most. You’ve always had a knack for that. I know it’s getting closer. The unbearable pain in my body is like an alarm clock to my death. With each passing day, it’s closer to going off, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I am finally at peace with myself and feel ready to face it and in a weird way, welcome it. I hope there is an afterlife, and I hope that one day we will meet again. Until then, please know I will always be in your heart. You have a lifetime of love stored away; don’t be afraid to use it. So until we meet again…eat lots of bubble gum ice cream, catch a lot of frogs, and don’t be afraid to fall in love again. I will love you always and forever.
~ Samantha
I folded the letter and placed it inside of the envelope along with my mermaid locket. I wanted Jaxson to have that forever, and I hoped that every time he looked at it, he would be reminded of our love for each other. I sealed the envelope tightly and placed it in the bigger one that I had for Pete. It had included everything that he would need once I was gone.
I took a deep breath as I watched Pete pull into the driveway, looking as happy as could be. I hated knowing that in a matter of minutes that would all change.
I stood up when I saw him hobbling up the driveway on crutches. “Oh my goodness, what happened?” I asked.
“Knee surgery.”
“Are you even supposed to be driving?” He let out a loud chuckle and waved his hand in a dismissing manner, which answered my question. I helped him up the stairs and into a seat. “If you had told me, I could have come to see you instead.”
“I’m not going to make a famous celebrity like you come to see me,” he joked. “Besides, I’m climbing the walls sitting around. I needed to get out. How have you been, kiddo?”
“Umm…well, I’ve got a lot going on. Sorry I haven’t returned your calls. I’ve just been…preoccupied these past few months,” I replied, taking a seat next to him.
“No problem. I know you’re busy.” I stared straight ahead, trying to figure out the best way to tell him.
“Pete, I need to tell you something.”
“I actually had something I needed to tell you, too…but you go first.”
I knew that I had to take him up on the offer because if I didn’t, I might have lost my nerve. “A few months ago, I started having these really bad headaches, and it turns out, it’s brain cancer.” All of the color washed out of his face.
He latched on to my hand. “Oh my god, Sam, I’m so sorry. Are you getting chemo?”
I shook my head. “Chemo won’t help it.” He shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. “It’s okay, Pete. I’m okay with it. I was scared at first, but I’m tired of the constant pain I’m in. Right now, as I’m talking to you…it feels like there’s a marching band inside my head, and it gets worse by the day.”
“How long?” his voice faltered.
“A few months.” He threw his head back on the chair and wiped the tear that was rolling down his face. “You don’t see the beauty in life until you realize you’ll never see it again; it really makes you appreciate things more, things that I never thought twice about before.” He nodded, still looking like he was in shock. “I finally called a company. They’ll be sending a live-in nurse to stay with me until…this is all over. I’m trying to remain as much on the down-low as possible, but I know the news is going to break soon, and the last thing I wanted was for you to hear about this on the front of some gossip rag.” I placed the large manila envelope in his lap. “This is my lifeline, my final letters to everyone, along with my last will and testament. I’m trusting that you will take care of this for me.”
“Sam.” He began to cry harder.
“Don’t cry, Pete. Really. I’m okay with this now.” Now it was I grabbing his hand to offer comfort. “All of my final instructions are written down. I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes scattered at mine and Jaxson’s place.” He furrowed his brows in confusion. “If you go out my grandmother’s back door and walk down the sand dune about twenty feet onto the beach, you’re there.” He let out a deep sigh and nodded in agreement. I could tell that this was uncomfortable for him, but he was the only person I trusted enough to make sure that everything was done as requested.
“Does your father know, Sam?”
I bit my bottom lip. “I called him to say goodbye…on his voicemail.” He gave me a sympathetic gaze and shook his head. “It’s how it’s been my entire life. Why should it be any different now?”
“He should be here with you, Sam.”
I shook my head. “No! That is the last thing I want. I don’t want him coming here out of obligation just because his daughter is dying. I did what I had to do. I can die with a clear conscience where he’s concerned.” I didn’t want to talk about my father anymore. I had ended that chapter in my life right before Pete had gotten here, and I had no intention of going back and revising it. “My will and my journal are inside of this envelope along with four smaller envelopes: one for you, one for Bonnie, one for Hadley, and one for Jaxson.” His eyes widened, and he stared at me blankly while I continued to speak. “Can you please make sure that my journal gets to Jaxson as well?” He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. “What’s the matter, Pete?”
“Oh, Sam, this is really the last thing I want to tell you right now.”
“What is it?” The sadness in his voice immediately put me on guard.
“Jax was killed over in Afghanistan.”
I tried to swallow the softball sized lump in my throat. “When?”
“About two months ago. I was planning on telling you; that’s why I had called you. When I didn’t hear back from you, I figured it was just as well.”
I feverishly shook my head. “You’re wrong. He—He didn’t die two months ago. He was just here just a few weeks ago. So, you’re wrong.”
“Sam, honey. It was two months ago.”
“No!” I shouted. “He came to see me. We ate bubble gum ice cream together and caught a frog. We collected seashells, and we kissed in the rain…he took care of me. He was here, Pete. I swear he was.”
He reached into his wallet and pulled out a folded up newspaper clipping. I let out a loud sob upon reading the very first line:
Jaxson Michael Callahan, 24, died on
…
I covered my face in my hands and rocked back and forth. He had died on the same day I was diagnosed with my tumor. How could this be? Was I already losing my mind? Those few days that we had spent together, had they not been real? My head began to pound even harder as I removed my hands from my tear-stained face. “He was here Pete, you have to believe me. I—I—” I couldn’t breathe. Pete tried his best to console me to no avail. I stood up, feeling like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I hated my mind for betraying me this way. I needed to be alone. I needed to clear my head. “I just want to be alone.” I ran inside the house and out the back door.
“Sam!” Pete shouted, trying his best to catch up to me on his bad knee.
Racing down the sand dune, I stopped at our spot. “Jaxson, please tell me I’m not going crazy…please tell me you were here!” I screamed. The familiar vise-like pressure was clamping down on my head. My vision was blurring, and the only thing I could see was Jaxson swimming out in the ocean. “Jaxson! I knew it. I knew it wasn’t true!” I ran into the water as fast as I could, hearing Pete calling for me in the distance. I didn’t look back. I kept moving forward, ignoring the freezing cold waves that were barreling me in the face. I just needed to get to Jaxson. I needed to feel his arms around me. I needed him to take away the excruciating pain I was in. “Jaxson! Jaxson!” I shouted, fighting the powerful sea. My body was freezing and exhausted. The seconds I had been swimming seemed like hours. I could see him so clearly, but the ocean was holding me back from reaching him. I swallowed a mouthful of water, coughing and trying to catch my breath as another wave plowed me over. I closed my eyes, feeling my lungs fill up with water, and then all of the pain immediately lifted from my body. The waves were settling down, and my body was warming up. My head no longer ached, and as I turned around, Jaxson’s arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, guiding me out of the now tranquil water.
As we stepped onto the sand, I was transformed back into that girl, the one who Jaxson had saved on the beach four years ago, the one who wasn’t sick. Everything seemed so much clearer, and I had never felt so at peace with myself. I looked up at Jaxson, and he pressed his lips against mine. “I was waiting for you.” He smiled that smile. The one that I seldom saw in life, but the one that looked so beautiful etched across his face right now. He took my hand in his, and I was filled with an inner warmth. I was filled with happiness, and most of all, I was filled with love. My journey was over on the same beach where it began, and having Jaxson there, holding my hand leading the way home made it so much sweeter.
Death. It's a fear we all face. No matter how much we try to ignore it, it's always there in the back of our minds from the moment we are old enough to comprehend. The fear of the unknown is far more frightening than our worst nightmare. I always thought that when it did happen, I would want it to be over quickly. I didn't want to know how or when it would take place. I just wanted to slip into that unknown realm without having time to think about it. Unfortunately, I was not given that option. My demise was precisely planned out in detail, and I had no choice but to prepare myself for it in the best way I knew how.
Jaxson Michael Callahan died in Afghanistan on the day I was diagnosed with my tumor. His final mission was to help me face my own death. In that short time, he eased my fears, took away my pain, and made me fall in love all over again, turning my utmost fear into my greatest desire.
Jaxson once said that quality of life was better than quantity. I finally understood what he meant on the day I allowed my body to become one with the ocean, instead of letting cancer slowly and tortuously eat away at it.
I was no longer battling the pain of my sickness, and Jaxson was no longer battling the demons of his past. Death had transformed us from the unsettled waves of the ocean that mercilessly crash upon the shore into a gentle pond, glistening in the moonlight among the screeching of the owls and the melody of the crickets. We were finally at peace. I existed on this earth for twenty two years but lived a lifetime in three short months when a boy named Jaxson entered my life. He saved me from the cold steel of a bullet when my life was just beginning, rescued me from the fierce velocity of the ocean when my life was at a crossroad, and taught me acceptance when my life was at an end. I often wondered why we didn’t die along with my mother or drown in the ocean together on the day that he had saved me. Maybe it was because we were destined to experience the beautiful, bittersweet emotions of a love so perfect, a love so strong, a love that wouldn’t even succumb to death.
I was with
my Jaxson
and he with
his Samantha
forever.
~ The End
I hope you enjoyed Samantha’s & Jaxson’s story. First let me say, the premise for this book popped into my head out of nowhere. I was in the middle of writing another book and had to stop because the story and the characters were overtaking my thoughts. The ending…well, I had my doubts that people may get annoyed, because it wasn’t your typical HEA, but I needed to stay true with my original vision of this story, and I’m so glad I did.