Authors: Teegan Loy
“He wants to talk to you,” Kelli whispered.
My stomach dropped to my knees, and my heart thudded against my ribs.
“What is it?” I murmured as I stood up.
“Pancreatic cancer,” Kelli said. “He…. I’ll let him explain things to you.”
“Jesus Christ,” I murmured, and stumbled out of the lounge on shaky legs.
A nurse met me halfway down the hall and offered me her arm. “You must be Rylan,” she said. I nodded and tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone dry. “I’m your dad’s nurse, Serena. He talks about you a lot.”
I furrowed my brow and thought maybe there had been some mistake and it wasn’t my dad in the room. Why would he be talking about me? I had to be a gigantic embarrassment to him. I’d walked away from a ton of money and a career that from an outsider’s point of view was phenomenal. My dad probably brought me here to laugh in my face and call me an idiot, but if he was dying, I suppose I could set it all aside and let him have the final say.
The nurse pointed to a closed door. “I’m glad you’re here. He wants to see you, and he was petrified you wouldn’t come.” She patted me on the shoulder and then quickly whispered she absolutely adored my music and that I was one of the bravest people she had ever met.
I felt like I was in a dream, or maybe it was nightmare. I guess the only way to find out was to see what was behind door number one. I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. In the bed was a man who resembled my father, or what was left of my father.
“Serena, if you’re here to give me another once-over, I may…. Rylan.”
“Hi, Dad.”
“You look like shit, son,” my dad said. “Grab a chair and sit down before you end up in the bed next to me.”
I stared at the man in front of me. I was pretty sure it was my dad, but I needed clarification.
“Why?” I asked.
My dad chuckled. “Sit down, kid. I want to talk to you before I take the final bus ride, so sit your ass down because it’s more comfortable than standing. And if you don’t, I’ll come back and haunt you.”
“How drugged up are you?” I asked. There had been tons of weird moments in my life the past year, but this one was quickly closing in on the top spot.
“Not enough,” my dad said, groaning as he moved. “Please.”
The last word was almost a whisper, but it sounded like an explosion in my head. My dad used the word please sparingly. It was usually reserved for my mom when she was beyond pissed at him. I immediately moved the chair next to the bed and sat down, staring at the man who was claiming to be my dad.
“How did this happen?” I asked.
“Damned if I know,” he said. He frowned and shifted his body, gritting his teeth as he moved.
“Kelli said it’s pancreatic cancer,” I said quietly.
“Yeah, bitch of a disease,” he said. “Look, it was my idea not to tell you, so don’t be angry with her. I didn’t want to add to your stress level.”
“Dad,” I said and leaned back, staring at the ceiling.
“Do you love him?”
“What?” I said. I almost slipped off my chair, and my flight mode kicked into high gear.
“We could sit here and beat around the bush, but I don’t have the time to waste. It’s a simple question, Rylan. Do you love Jade?”
“Dad, please, this is crazy. Why would you ask me that?” I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “Fuck.”
“Fine, I’ll answer the question for you. I saw it in every gesture, every touch, and every look. He’s it for you, just like your mother is for me.”
For a brief moment, I considered lying to my dad and painting a picture of a happy life without Jade, but I didn’t have the strength. I was too tired to lie.
“He
was
, Dad.
Was
, not is.”
“You’re lying, kid. You never were good at it.” My dad licked his dry, cracked lips and grimaced. “I need some water.”
There was a pitcher sitting on the bedside table along with a glass. I poured the water and handed it to my dad, who took it with a shaking hand.
“You shouldn’t give up on him.”
“It wasn’t my choice, Dad.”
“Son—”
“Dad,” I interrupted, throwing my hands up. “Why are we talking about this? You made it perfectly clear, several times in fact and rather loudly, that you didn’t think my choices were right. We haven’t even talked since Mom’s birthday party, and now I find out you’re dying.”
My dad made to hand the water back to me, but he quickly set it on his tray and grabbed my wrist. For a dying man, he was still strong. “I made a mistake, Rylan. I was wrong. I let my pride cloud my mind. I worried about what other people would think of me. How your choices would affect me. Stupid, really.
“All I want for you in this life is to be happy. Don’t waste time on what other people think is right. You never have before. You’ve always stood up for your beliefs. You know what’s right, and Jade is it for you. Fight for him.”
I pulled my hand away and let my head fall against the railing of my dad’s bed. I hadn’t been prepared for any of this, but I sure as hell didn’t expect to be discussing my failed love life with my dad.
The idea that my father recognized the depths of my feelings for Jade was unnerving. I didn’t want to think about him or the music or what my life had become.
The tears came before I could stop them, and I felt stiff fingers slide through my hair, gently stroking. A few minutes later, I heard something I hadn’t heard in years. My father quietly singing. And it wasn’t just any song, it was the first song Jade and I had written together. I didn’t think he would be interested enough to know all the words to a song I’d written with my ex-lover.
“You’re a good man, Rylan, and you deserve to be happy.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “You’re right. I do deserve to be happy, but it’s not going to be with Jade. He chose money and fame over me. Sometimes, I don’t think he ever loved me.”
My dad raised his eyebrows. This was now the weirdest moment of my entire life.
“Give me that laptop,” my dad said, pointing at a computer sitting on a chair by the window.
I had no idea my dad even knew how to operate a computer, but when I handed it to him, he started hammering on the keyboard.
“You sure about that?” my dad asked. I had no idea what the man was talking about. Clearly, he had ingested more drugs than he had admitted.
“Dad, this is crazy and weird. Why are we talking about this?”
“Because it’s important, and I want you to know that I’m damn proud of you for standing up for what you believe is right. I don’t think I would have had the balls to give up the money.”
I rubbed my temples and sighed. “It wasn’t easy. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maggie figured it was slowly killing me.”
“She’s a great friend. You should keep her.”
“I plan to,” I said.
“Move closer. Have you ever seen what happened the night of the final concert?”
I gaped at my dad. He had the computer open to YouTube and some fan-made video of RheartJ. The fandom must have imploded. The fractured heart between our initials was still by most of the stuff online.
“Did you know you blew up Twitter and Tumblr after the concert?”
“No,” I said. “I stayed away from the media.”
“This is your mother’s favorite one,” my dad mumbled and pushed play.
“Dad, please, I don’t want to watch it,” I said.
He placed his hand over mine and squeezed. When the familiar chords from the guitar started, my gaze was drawn to the screen. It was the first song I had ever heard Jade sing. I’d been hiding in the dark, crouching outside Mrs. Morgan’s window like a common stalker when he had sung “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” It was a lifetime ago, and with each strum of the strings, it felt like someone was shoving a knife into my heart.
“Oh God,” I cried when I saw the montage of touches, the smiles, and the heart eyes the fans always giggled about. The camera cut to shots of us with our fake girlfriends on staged dates. Jade always watched closely when Maggie and I would whisper or stand too close to each other. I told him we were talking about him.
We’d try so hard during our concerts to stay away from each other, but some mysterious force always seemed to be pulling us together. A hand on the shoulder, a shy smile, and tiny shake of the head drove the fans of RheartJ crazy. I didn’t mean to let my love show, but it was unavoidable.
The last frame of the video was of me telling the audience at Madison Square Garden that this was my final performance. I’d never seen the video of the concert.
About a month ago, Maggie tried to get me to watch it, but I told her I didn’t need to see it. I’d lived it. That was enough. The camera closed in on Jade’s face when I set the microphone down. His brown eyes were swimming in tears, and he swayed when I turned from him and jumped off the stage. The camera stayed focused on him. He grabbed the microphone and shouted into it, but there was no sound. Andy rushed at him and grabbed him around the waist, signaling to a security guard for help. They dragged Jade off the stage, kicking and screaming. The camera cut back to the microphone and the stool. The spotlight was still shining brightly.
“Nice touch,” my dad said, pointing at the microphone.
“Yeah, I figured I’d go out with a bang. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you retire? I think I saw a hockey player leave his skates and stick in the middle of the ice after his last game.”
“Have you talked to Jade?” my dad asked.
“No,” I said. “Last I overheard, he was in the studio recording his solo album.”
Dad punched more keys and brought up another video.
“I don’t want to see anymore,” I whined.
“This is a close-up of Jade yelling into the microphone. You know, you have some crazy fans.”
The picture was really grainy from all the enlargements. I watched Jade’s mouth move and he seemed to be screaming my name. The movement slowed more and the words slithered across the screen.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
My dad closed the computer, and we sat in silence. I didn’t know what to do with this information. Jade could have been shouting fuck off, but it sure looked like he was yelling I love you.
“Are you going to hang around for a few days?” my dad asked. “I’m getting out of here and heading back to the farm.”
He didn’t need to elaborate. I knew he meant he was going home to die.
“Sure,” I said. “Hey, Dad, can I call Maggie?”
“I think Kelli would like to see her, and I’d like to talk to her too.” My dad sighed, and his face pinched with pain. “Can you get Serena and your mom for me?”
“Sure, Dad,” I said.
I had my hand on the door when my dad whispered four words I never thought I would hear from him.
“I love you, Rylan.”
The air left my lungs. “I love you too, Dad,” I choked out, and shoved the door open, before I started bawling.
Serena was waiting right outside the door. “Are you okay, Rylan?”
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “He wants you.”
She brushed by me and disappeared into my dad’s room. I stumbled blindly down the hall to find my mom.
“Mom,” I said. “Dad needs you.”
“Oh, Rylan, I’m so sorry for everything,” she said, clutching me in a hug so tight she squeezed all the air out of my lungs.
“Mom,” I gasped. “You’re choking me.”
She released me, and I panted for air. She looked torn, glancing down the hall and back at me. “Mom, go. I’m sticking around. Dad said I could call Maggie.”
She nodded and smiled at me, before rushing down the hall.
“Lucas and a hospice nurse went home to get things ready for Dad. It’s mainly about keeping his pain under control,” Kelli said.
I sat down next to her and sighed, placing my head on her shoulders. “This has been one fucked-up year.”
“Have you talked to him?”
“No. You?”
“No.”
“I need to call Maggie.”
“I already did. She’ll be here tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
I
T
WAS
weird being back on the farm, but bearable with Maggie there. Once again, she put her life aside and came when I called.
Even though Dad was sick, life on the farm didn’t stop. The crops were ready to be harvested, and Dad’s friends and fellow farmers rallied around our family to help get the crops off the fields. I helped Lucas as best I could. Maggie learned how to drive the combine and stopped in the middle of the field to dance and pump her fists in the air. She was contagious, and her happiness spread like a virus.
My mother adored her and she won over my dad when she raved about his combine. She also made a mean chocolate chip cookie and could bring a smile to my face when all I wanted to do was frown.
“Why do you have so many tattoos?” my mom asked her one evening.
“They tell my story,” Maggie said. “Some help me remember how far I’ve come. Some of them remind me to believe in myself when I don’t think I have it in me to move forward. And some are just there because I needed them at the time.”
“Did they hurt?” my mom asked.
“Some of them did,” Maggie said. “In more ways than one.”
My mom reached across the table and touched Maggie’s wrist, tracing the words
I Regret Nothing
that adorned her skin.
“I think I’d like to get one,” my mom said.
I coughed, and my brother looked like a dying fish gasping for air. My sister smiled, and my dad nodded.
“Then damn it, Kimberly, you should get one,” my dad said.
“Will you help me pick something out, Davis?”
“Whatever you want, dear,” my dad answered. “Rylan.”
“Yeah, Dad?” I held my breath, wondering if he was going to ask me to take my mother to a tattoo parlor.
“I’d like to go for a ride out to the field.”
“You do realize it’s night,” I said.
“Yep. It’s a full moon, a harvest moon to be exact. I need to breathe the fresh air. It’s getting a little stale in here.”
I glanced at Serena, who was sitting in the corner reading a book. She looked up at me and nodded.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing the keys.
“Not the pickup. Let’s drive the tractor and bring that guitar of yours.”