CHAPTER SIX
Spring 1973
Information. Words. These were Alice’s defenses.
There were words that Alice did not like at all.
Intransigent,
for example, was a harsh, uncompromising word with sharp, inflexible corners, while insalubrious
had the sound of its meaning: unhealthy; not wholesome. But for the most part, Alice loved words.
She had always been an avid reader as a child, and English language and literature classes had always been her favorite classes in secondary school. It was natural for her to major in English in college, and naturally, she wanted to pass on her love for language, share what she knew with the younger generations, as well as continue adding to her own knowledge base. She entered spelling bees, essay contests, poetry competitions whenever she could. She kept journals, collected not-so-common knowledge, trivia bits, odd facts.
Words were her friends.
Knowledge was her ally.
Words took her through her pregnancy. Like she did as a student, she devoured words as she sat home alone, reading whatever she could get her hands on, even if it meant the dictionary. Words soothed her, cleared her mind, helped her discover pleasant sounds and meanings even though things had become unclear,
obnubilated.
She liked the sound of certain words;
susurration
for example: the sound of whispers. But she didn’t like that she heard them all the time—silent whispers impressing upon her her
disconsolation
. She wished those whispers could be
extirpated
.
When Elaine was born, Alice knew her life as she had hoped for it was over. Elaine came in at a perfect seven pounds, fourteen ounces, blue eyes like her father, dark hair like her mother. George, although he had hoped for a son, could not be happier. He was even more motivated when it came to his job, trying to take on as many hours as possible and make whatever money he could to make sure his little girl would be happy and have all she needed. He encouraged Alice to stay home for good, promising to take care of all their needs as he was supposed to. George controlled all their finances, so she had no idea where they actually stood financially, but he insisted they were okay—they had enough money for her to not have to worry about returning to work for the time being. George thought it was important for Elaine to get all the parental love and attention she could get, especially since he had taken on those extra hours and could not be around as before. But when he was around, he monopolized Elaine, which Alice had no problem with after spending all day with her. Alice was becoming
exanimate
, her zest for life slowly leaving her, while George had
transmogrified
as well but in the opposite manner, gaining more enthusiasm and life, as if feeding off her.
His attentiveness with and adoration of Elaine reminded Alice of why she had fallen for him in the first place; Elaine brought out something in him that she had started to wonder if it had ever been there. And now, when he said: “I’ll take care of everything,” she believed him; he would do anything for his family.
Alice found it quite difficult to just stay home with the baby however; in fact, she could not get back to work fast enough. She hoped Elaine would magically zip through the next few stages of her young life. The child cried all the time, and sometimes, Alice felt like there was nothing she could do to quiet her. She cried when she was hungry and she cried when she had already been fed. She cried when she needed changing and she cried when she needed none. Elaine cried when she was thirsty, and she cried when her thirst had been quenched. She cried when she was sleepy, and she cried after having a good nap. The baby cried when she was lying down in her crib all alone, and she cried when she was being held. Elaine cried and cried and cried and cried for reasons Alice could not fathom…would she ever stop crying? Alice sometimes found herself wondering if the baby sensed what a mess of a young mother she had been saddled with.
Because of her constant screaming, Alice was constantly considering ways to quiet the baby. Should she sing to her? Or at least let the eight-track soothe the child with the sounds of The Beatles? She could probably take her for a walk—but that might disturb the neighbors because Alice was almost sure a walk would not quiet the howling child. How about some television? Grown-up food? A little wine perhaps? Many times Alice thought about simply leaving her alone in her room, closing the door, and just letting her cry her little heart out; she would eventually settle down. She would tire herself or lose her voice at least.
Alice tried some of the methods she had thought up, and some of them would work at times, but Elaine seemed intent on making her life miserable, making her feel inadequate. Alice could not wait to get away from her when George came home.
To top it off, Alice missed teaching. She hated having to give up her job, and she did not know when she’d be able to obtain another one. But that did not keep her from looking, and not only for a job, but for someone to look after Elaine. She had had enough.
She wished her mother was still alive to watch Elaine for her, or at least tell her what to do, because she felt like she was lost in a maze and could not find her way out. Thinking about going back to teaching when Elaine was old enough was the only thing that kept her going.
As a result of the difficulty she was having with Elaine, Alice found herself with disturbing thoughts, horrid ideas about how to quiet the baby. She thought herself monstrous for having these thoughts—what kind of mother wished to permanently silence her child? But Alice could not help thinking them, for she spent so much time awake.
Alice had expected to lose sleep and feel tired, and she had expected to be a little anxious and nervous about the overall responsibility of taking care of a child, but she had not expected it to take the toll it did. She was not only sleep-deprived and always feeling fatigued as expected, but she found that she was so busy with trying to fulfill the baby’s needs that she neglected her own: feeding herself, taking care of her own thirst, resting herself, changing herself.
She had no energy—although she supposed that barely eating and lacking sleep had something to do with it. Once, she fell asleep while Elaine was crying, and when she awoke and realized what had happened, she rushed over to the crib only to find Elaine lying there, looking around, seemingly content. That led her to believe that no matter what happened, Elaine would be just fine.
Things had improved by the time Elaine was three months old—at least for Elaine. She had stopped crying as much; in fact, was quite the quiet baby. But Alice had not stopped crying. Sometimes she would find herself in a corner, ignoring Elaine lying in her crib doing whatever she did, because Alice was too busy wiping away her own tears. But Alice usually managed to pull herself together before George came home, and would sometimes be in bed by the time he arrived, with Elaine put down for the night.
But one night he caught her up and watching
All in the Family
. He went to Elaine’s room and found her playing around in her crib, for Alice had not bothered to turn off the lights this time.
“Why aren’t you watching her?” he had asked after picking up Elaine who was as calm as could be when he returned to the family room. Alice did not answer, could not answer. She just continued to stare at the screen, not really seeing The Bunkers.
George stared at her.
She could feel his eyes but she would not turn to him. She barely saw him standing there, holding their suddenly cheerful daughter. And all the while she sat there barely noticing him, it seemed he went from barely noticing her to realizing at last that something was wrong.
“Honey, are you all right?” he asked, his voice gentle. After a few moments of looking at her, he remarked: “When did you get so thin?”
He moved from her side view to right in front of her, between her and the television.
She looked at his striped work shirt.
“Actually you look a
lot
thin—it’s worrying me.”
After tightening his grip on Elaine, holding her with one arm, he used his free arm to lift Alice’s chin with his finger, tilting her face to his. He searched her eyes and looked her over.
“You look really sick, honey—do you want me to take you to the doctor?”
She continued staring, not really seeing him.
He shook his head.
“Why am I even asking? I’m taking you tomorrow Ali, and that’s final. We gotta get you better.”
Alice did not move, did not hear. Words could not reach her.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Summer 1973
“I’m gonna take care of you—don’t you worry,” he had said. And he did.
After her medical examination, George became the type of husband Alice had always expected him to be. He took the doctor’s advice to heart, and even seemed to use his own instincts to do his best by her.
First, he made sure she got help with the baby—for both Alice’s sake and Elaine’s. George had given his sister Miriam a call, and Miriam had happily agreed to baby-sit for them every now and then. Miriam had no problem with this arrangement since she was childless and had lost her husband in Vietnam.
Eventually, she decided to move in with George and Alice, opting to rent her own place out for a few months while she helped Alice out with Elaine.
Alice was not only appreciative of the remittent relief of motherly duties, but she welcomed the company, the new energy that came with Miriam.
Miriam brought along many forms of entertainment—for one, she brought music back to the household. Some days, Alice returned from the grocery store to find Miriam singing “What’s going on?” with Marvin Gaye or “Rocket Man” with Elton John. Other days, she caught Miriam dancing wildly to “American Pie” while Don McLean sung his heart out, or to “December 1963 (Oh What a Night)” with Franki Valli and the Four Seasons. Her eight-track tapes were a pleasant mix of current music and music from the previous decade, songs that reminded Alice of better times, more hopeful times—times when she thought the world could be her playground.
Miriam also happened to be a stark departure from the friends Alice had known in college. Although on the plain side, she had large, striking, pale blue eyes framed with fair eyelashes that she made long and dark with globs of mascara. Alice assumed she did it to look less androgynous.
Miriam also had long stick-straight blond hair, flattened like Cher’s. She walked with her aquiline nose in the air like a queen, and her sense of fashion made Alice anxious every day to see what she would turn up in: flower-printed bell-bottoms, accordion-pleated miniskirts, A-smile jeans, psychedelic tops and dolphin shorts—usually in odd, brightly colored combinations that made Alice grin.
Miriam was also full of stories that made everyday occurrences remarkable. She made Alice chuckle with accounts of her daily encounters with people while driving, waiting in line for food, walking the streets. It seemed Miriam could turn any moment into something exciting, even if only in the way she told it.
Miriam had a colorful vocabulary as well, making her stories even more entertaining. Alice suspected the only time she censored herself was when she was around Elaine, and even then, Alice wasn’t sure she took care not to use certain words.
Still, Miriam was an overall joy to have around—even if she worried Alice a little, making her second guess leaving her child with the slightly off-the-wall woman. But Alice soon learned she had nothing to worry about, for Miriam proved to be a good caretaker despite her love for telling people off, sex, and
maryjane
.
Miriam turned out to be not only harmless but benign; it was only her herb usage and interest in the dark arts that worried Alice. At one point, Miriam desired to be a practicing Wiccan, and told Alice all she found out in her research. She even made Alice crochet her a pentagram.
On top of it all, Miriam believed she could interpret dreams. Once, Alice told her of a dream she had where she was running through a forest with an unseen person on her tail. There were lots of trees packed closely together and she had to find her way through them, winding and trying not to run into them. They all looked the same and she wondered if she would ever get out. Her chaser gained on her so she decided to climb one of the trees yet fell out of it when she got near the top and landed on a cluster of vines that made a kind of twisted hammock, cushioning her fall, but not allowing her to reach the ground. Vines twisted and winded their way around her and she fought and fought against them but she could not bite or twist her way out.
“Well it clearly means you want to get out of something,” Miriam said simply, and for all the other nonsense she spoke of, this one had some validity to it; it sounded simple yet so right.
Miriam’s presence made the world of difference for Alice, and she was not too disappointed after not being able to go back to work as soon as she had hoped. Although she missed teaching her eighth-graders, she was willing to settle for just teaching her daughter about the world for now, and learning from Miriam.
Sometimes, Alice felt so free around Miriam, she almost forgot she was George’s sister. She remembered only when they were watching television or shopping together and she was about to comment favorably on the physical appearance of a nearby or television male. Then she remembered Miriam was George’s eyes and ears when he wasn’t around and she felt she had to hold back. Still, being around Miriam made her feel like she was breathing new air.
George had not only come through for her by bringing his sister around to help her out, but he had also taken to paying attention to her physical needs more, making sure Alice was healthy. He started bringing her food on his lunch breaks, and occasionally took her out to dinner when they could leave Elaine with Miriam. He called her at least once a day from work to check in with her, find out how she and their daughter were doing, and to tell her that he loved her. Sometimes he would even arrive home in the evening with a gift in hand for her, a small token such as a notepad for her writing, thread for her sewing and embroidering, or yarn for her knitting. Books for her to read, magazines to look at.
George was like a new man—even more thoughtful and loving than he had been in college, especially since now, the only female she split his attention with was their daughter. Alice felt happy, secure.
***
October 27th 1973
Miriam was out on a date.
George had left home to go out with his friends after having dinner, but he returned from his outing around eleven o’clock, which was not particularly unusual, although a bit early.
Alice looked up from her sewing, and when he came into view, realized that something was off: he had a ragged appearance, as if he had decided to roll around in the dirt and grass before coming in. His hair was out of place, his shirt, torn and stained, his face full of emotion.
He did not appear drunk in the slightest—his eyes were focused yet wild, alive, purposeful.
Alice got a sinking feeling in her stomach.
She put down her needlework and stood up with the initial intention of going straight to him but found her legs suddenly frozen in place.
“George, what happened?” she asked, fearing the answer.
He just looked at her. She noticed he was breathing hard.
He looked away, then headed for the kitchen.
She finally got her legs to work and moved away from the couch in the family room toward the kitchen so she could see him better.
He grabbed a jug of water from the refrigerator and poured himself a glass, his movements jerky, nervous.
“George, are you all right? You look a bit…frazzled.”
She had moved into the kitchen by then.
He wiped his mouth crudely with the back of his hand and looked at her, resting down the glass. Something in his eyes unnerved her.
But then he threw up his hands and his face broke into a joyless smile.
“You won’t believe this—it’s…it’s silly really.”
She folded her arms and tried to make her voice light.
“Well, go ahead and try me.”
She smiled back at him, hoping to encourage him to go on although she imagined she produced the same kind of empty smile he had given her.
He sighed, his smile disappearing.
“I got into a fight,” he began, then undoubtedly noticing her expression of alarm as her fear was confirmed, he added, “but I’m okay, I promise. It was just a silly squabble.”
She gave him a few seconds to continue.
“I’m waiting,” she said at last, stating the obvious when he did not go on.
He let out another heavy breath.
“Well, somebody said something about my sister when we were in the bar,” he said. Then he shook his head and started the story again.
“Okay, so me and the guys were in the bar and I overheard these other guys talking about this girl. At first I thought what they were saying was kind of funny, but then one of them said her name.
Miriam Owens,
they said, and I had to butt in and find out if it was my sister they were talking about. I mean I’m sure there’s another Miriam Owens out there, but what are the chances, eh? So I said to them: ‘Miriam Owens? Long blonde hair, blue eyes, ‘bout five foot ten?’ And this guy, greasy ponytail, says: ‘loopy, stoned-out, yeah yeah yeah—you fuck her too? This whole bar’s fulla guys who’ve been there, done that.’ And then he laughed along with his buddies, expecting me to join in of course. Well, I joined my fist to that asshole’s mouth. He didn’t like it, so he swung back at me. We got in a little scuffle, my boys pulled me off, his boys pulled him away. I was ready to go at him again but the guys had a pretty good hold on me, so all I said was: ‘Don’t you be saying that stuff ‘bout my sister!’ Then the boys led me out the bar, brought me home. And that’s that.”
Alice did not want to think it and definitely dared not say it, but what the bar guy had said about Miriam, as much as Alice liked her, was probably true based on some of the dating stories Miriam had told her. But instead of saying that, she said: “Well, I understand you defending your sister’s honor and all, but honey you’ve got to be careful! You don’t know if someone’s got weapons on them or something like that; you have me and Elaine to think about.”
George looked away. “I know,” he said, “it’s just that it fired me up so much at the time. I mean people should really watch their mouths. Have some respect.”
Alice nodded in agreement, although she was thinking of how the guy at the bar could have easily been one of George’s own friends. She neglected to point that out as well. Then she looked a bit closer at some of the stains.
“Is that blood?” she asked, noticing the red-brown marks splattered on his shirt.
He let out a breath.
“Yeah, I got him good. His mouth was all bloody and everything—I almost thought he’d lost a tooth. The guy put his hand to his mouth and some of it got on his hands and then on me—obviously.”
Alice put her hand on his chest and looked up at him, relieved he had not been hurt more. She suspected George was not telling the whole story, that perhaps he had left out graphic details of the fight. She did not care to know the whole story in any case, and was glad to be spared the play by play. She just hoped it would not happen again—things had been going too well for them. She did not want anything to happen to him.
“You know I’d do anything for the women in my life right?” he said as she rested her head on his chest. She nodded, thinking about how much she loved him. “You girls mean the world to me,” he added.
He kissed her on the top of her head.
She breathed him in, even though he was a mix of dirt, sweat, and blood. She smiled to herself despite the circumstances—Miriam was even bringing excitement to George’s life, although in more indirect ways.
Alice looked up into George’s eyes, still feeling love and relief washing over her.
“Let’s get you out of these filthy clothes and into a warm bath,” she said.
She took his hand and starting leading him toward the stairs.
“Hey, where’s Miriam?” he asked, looking around as if she would pop out of one of the walls.
“She went out.”
“And Elaine…”
“She’s asleep. I’ll take care of you hon.”
It felt good to say those words back to him.
***
Alice had suspected she was pregnant for the past month when her appetite changed and she started becoming sensitive to smells once again. To be sure, she got a urine sample tested by a doctor.
Once she got the results, she could not wait to tell George the news.
The day of the results, she had relieved Miriam, who had a date, of watching Elaine.
Alice was playing with the child in the family room when Elaine crawled toward the day’s newspaper and started hitting it with her tiny hand, then tried to pick it up.
Alice grabbed it from her and was about to rest it on the couch when a headline caught her eye: “Murdered Colored Man Innocent.”
She was about to read the story when she heard the key turning in the lock. She picked Elaine up and headed to the door.
As George walked in, she was there, ready with a smile.
He looked at her in suspicion, but with a genuine smile on his own face.
“What are you up to?” he asked.
“Guess what? I’ll give you three guesses,” she said, barely able to contain her excitement.
He closed and locked the door behind him.
“Okay, how about…”
“We’re having another baby!”
She watched the information sink in and his face break into an even wider grin, his eyebrows rising as his eyes widened.
“Are you serious? That’s incredible!”
She watched him battle himself as he was about to pick her up with the baby in her arms but then reconsidered, realizing the danger. He threw his arms around them instead, enclosing them both in a hug.
“Honey, that’s…! Wait, you’re okay with that right? I mean, do you feel ready?”
She laughed.
“It’s okay, hon—I may not be ready now, but I will be!”
She kissed him on the mouth.
He smiled, then laughed when he realized Elaine had been watching them.
She waved away his concern with her free hand.
“Oh please—she’s too young to get it.”
“I don’t know—she looked pretty perceptive to me! Can’t be getting those ideas in her head just yet.”
Alice laughed at his silliness.
“I don’t think she’s at that level yet—she was trying to decide whether or not to eat this newspaper earlier,” she said, indicating the paper partially held by her, partially held by Elaine. “Or maybe she was ready to read it—who knows right? She could be a smart kid.”