“Well, and then there’s Elaine and her family, but of course they already know. I think that’s it mom.”
Her body was there, but her mind appeared to be elsewhere as she stared ahead at nothing, her eyes blank.
“I hope so,” she said softly.
CHAPTER TEN
September 24th, 1971
Indianapolis, Indiana
Once George found out about her ex-boyfriend Paul, he was uneasy. And once he found out she’d had a conversation with Paul over the telephone while she and George were officially together, George instructed her never to talk to Paul again.
He was not completely unreasonable about it; he said that should they ever accidentally bump into each other, say, walking through the streets, they were allowed to say “hello” and “goodbye.” But non-accidental, in fact, very deliberate phone calls or letters to find out how the other was doing, well, that was a no-no.
“I don’t like him,” George had said about her acting partner for her theater class as they passed him on their way to the cafeteria and Alice had waved and smiled at him. “Give me his name,” he demanded of a classmate whom George found flirted with her too much. “You will dance with no one else but me,” he commanded, before leaving her to watch him dance innocently with other girls at parties.
Alice could understand where he was coming from; the threat of a past love coming back into the picture—or a new one just entering—was very real. What she could not understand, was George’s own rules being inapplicable to him. It was okay for his ex-girlfriends or current female friends to send him letters, make phone calls. After all, according to him, they were all just friends—he saw his girls as nothing but. But when it came to Alice, there was no way she could have a platonic relationship with any male not related to her by blood, since according to him, all male-female friendships had something underneath: one or both parties desiring at some point—and for some, the duration of the relationship—for the friendship to go a step further. But that rule was inapplicable only to him; he was the only male on earth who could retain strictly platonic friendships with females, and therefore, he was allowed to have as many female friends as he wanted. And that was that.
After meeting George, Alice soon found that her circle of friends consisted of only George’s friends. Most of the friends she’d had before George became friends with him and some even befriended or dated some of his friends so they became part of his group. Even to a smaller degree her closest friends, Heather and Linda, girls she had known from back home in Indiana having gone to the same high school and now the same college, were on friendly terms with George. Still, his circle was undoubtedly second to theirs.
Alice and Heather had become roommates by their sophomore year since they did not run into each other until sometime after first arriving on campus, and Linda had befriended Heather so they made a quick circle, one that Alice found solace, comfort, and escape in. While Alice mostly kept her feelings to herself, there were times when she needed to vent about George or school, and they were always there for her. She was grateful for them; after all, George had a number of tendencies that got on her nerves and she sometimes needed to know that she wasn’t being crazy; she needed to be validated.
One of George’s irritating tendencies was his exaggerated display of masculinity. He would don a personality unrecognizable to her but clearly familiar to the boys he hung out with, one which painted him as a sort of unattached Casanova. She tried to ignore it because she figured that most, if not all guys were putting on the same act, practically beating their chests in demonstrations of their manhood as they told their stories of conquer or in their simple, usually crude admiration of the female figure.
On one such incident, Alice had walked up to George and his circle in order to confirm her plans with him for his birthday which was that day.
As she came up to them, she heard the tail end of their conversation with George saying:
“Man, are you kidding me? Raquel Welch has nice knockers, yeah, but it’s Farrah Fawcett all the way—I’d do her for sure. Don’t even get me started on Julie Newmar. Hey Alice, how’s it goin’?”
Alice tried to ignore what she had just heard; after all, it was just his way when he was with other guys.
“Excuse me guys,” she began, and watched them move away a bit to give her and George some privacy. When they were a satisfactory distance away, she said: “I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for tonight. What time…”
He slapped his hand to his forehead.
“Aw shucks—I almost forgot about that. I didn’t realize that was tonight.”
He was watching his friends, as if he could not wait for her to stop bothering him so he could get back to them.
“How could you forget? It’s your own birthday for goodness sake! Of course we’d have plans—at least, I would for you. You’re my boyfriend!”
She didn’t ask him what she was on the verge of asking, which was: didn’t he want to do something with her? Spend it, share it with her?
“I’m sorry, Alice—it’s just that I was invited to this party. These girls—you know Ginger and Anna and that group of gals right? Well, they’re throwing a kind of joint birthday party for their friend Sheila and for James since his birthday’s the same day too and since mine’s today. It’s basically a party celebrating everyone they know whose birthday is this week. I hope you don’t mind.”
Alice was thrown off, but smiled.
“Mind? Why would I mind? I think it’s great! We could have such a great time!”
“Oh.” He was looking at her funny. “Well, actually, I think it’s only for, you know, people they invited. They invited me but…” His shoulders lifted and fell. “It’s just that Robbie told me they don’t particularly like you, so it’s not an oversight or anything. I just think it would be kind of disrespectful of me to bring you along.”
Alice was stunned. She was so amazed at his own oversight that she couldn’t speak for a few moments and did not bother to argue.
“Oh, well—I hope you have a good time. We’ll talk later then.”
“Yeah, I’ll let you know how it went!”
He grinned then scrambled over to his buddies.
Later that night, Alice could not hold it in. When her roommate Heather came back from an outing and asked:
“Hey, how come you’re home, Ali? Isn’t it George’s birthday?”
Alice rolled her eyes and replied:
“Yeah but George is over at this party; he didn’t want me to accompany him because it would offend the hosts. Can you believe that? God, I can’t believe I let him get away with that.”
Heather said nothing. She had a strange expression on her face, one that Alice did not make sense of until later.
The next day, Alice found out that Heather had been at the party herself and had even been involved in the festivities. And so had her other friend Linda. According to an acquaintance who had been present at the party, there was a group cake for the three birthday folks, and when it was brought out, each of them were encouraged to give their favorite person present the first piece they cut, and Heather had been fed that piece from George.
Even though, when confronted about it, George had explained that he had given it to Heather because she was Alice’s friend and he figured that if word got out, Alice would be less upset by that choice—someone considered neutral territory as opposed to him choosing one of the other girls—several of whom both suspected had a thing for him—Alice was incensed.
Although Alice had considered Heather one of her closest friends in college, from then on, she could no longer see her that way; Heather and Linda belonged to George too.
***
In the days after the birth of her daughter it was clear that Elaine also belonged to George. Alice did all the dirty work, while George reaped the benefits of a clean, well-fed, about-to-go-down-for-the-night baby. He played with her, sang and danced with her, talked to her. He made her smile, laugh. He tickled her, swung her in the air. He quickly became her favorite parent and her little hands would reach out for him when she saw him—if she even had the time before he swooped her up.
Alice was not jealous at all at first, happy to be rid of Elaine after spending all day dealing with her needs. And once it became clear that all of her efforts were paying off for George, there was not even enough time to get jealous of their growing relationship before she was expecting Andrew. And with the second one on the way, she decided she had another shot; she would do what she didn’t do before: enjoy the process more, give Andrew the same attention his sister was getting from George.
George could have Elaine.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Wednesday, June 28th 2006
Dayton, Ohio
Elaine could not get over her anger with her mother, although she was fully aware she was holding on to it so she didn’t have to deal with grief—she did not want to think about her father being dead. While she knew the day would come, she had not expected it this soon. He had not been sick as far as she was concerned; he looked and seemed healthy the last time she had talked to him, despite the mild heart attack scare not long ago.
She was not only angry with her mother for delaying the news, but angry at him too, for dying. Angry at her brother for getting the news first. She was just angry. And while she was angry, she could not pass the news on to her husband and children, which meant she did not have to verbalize it, and therefore accept it.
She could focus on other things—her mother’s favoritism, for example; although she knew such thoughts would certainly not appease her anger. She knew she was far too old to still care about it but she couldn’t help it; it never stopped hurting. She could never forgive her mother for making her feel like a second-rate child growing up, and no matter how hard she tried not to care anymore, she still did. Especially since Alice was still treating her the same.
Elaine had always been confused by her mother’s treatment of her. As far as she was aware, she had always been a good kid, a smart kid, a quiet kid. She tried to do everything her mother said, was not troublesome at all, wasn’t a rebellious teen, but it wasn’t enough; she could not win her mother’s love. And as hard as she tried to fight against it, she couldn’t help resenting her brother for being able to accomplish with ease what she had tried so hard to achieve and never did.
Why did her mother always prefer Drew? Why did she love him more? The questions never stopped haunting her.
Even now, she made more money than Drew, had a solid career in the legal field—but nothing she ever did—being an honor roll student throughout her schooling, winning academic scholarships, graduating summa cum laude—nothing got her mother to truly pay any attention to her; it was the only thing she had failed at.
When she was younger, she told herself that her mother probably just liked boys better, and if Alice had been consistent and paid more attention to Jack than Amber and Jade, perhaps she would have still held on to that silly thought. But Alice took that away from her too, bestowing as much attention upon her daughters as her nephew. So now, she was more confused than ever, and even though she knew her coldness toward her mother did not help the situation, she knew no other way to be.
Elaine shook off her thoughts about Alice and finally allowed herself to think about her father. Luckily he had always been there for her. Maybe her mother had been jealous. Her father showered her with attention and affection, and was very protective of her. She knew that even if she had not been a good student, he would have praised her for whatever she did—whether it was pour a glass of lemonade at age five or do a handstand at ten. He would have given her anything she asked for if he could, whether she deserved it or not. Still, she gave him a plethora of reasons to adore her, reward her, lavish her with gifts. She would have liked to think she had done everything she had to please him, bring that loving smile to his face, or even for the purpose of manipulation—to calculatingly get what she wanted, but she had to acknowledge to herself that she had done it all for the mother that did not care whether she was a high-school dropout or valedictorian, whether she became a lawyer or a prostitute.
Elaine blinked back unwanted tears.
She was grateful for her mother for demonstrating what not to do when parenting and for her father’s demonstrations of what to do. That way, she could mother her daughters as best as she could.
Amber and Jade were the lights of her life, and there was nothing more she took pride in than raising them properly, lovingly.
At that moment, she was sure her girls were planted in front of the television watching
Spongebob Squarepants
or whatever their current morning cartoon line-up obsession was, oblivious to her telephone exchange with their grandmother.
Elaine had gone far away from them and her sleeping husband upstairs when she called her mother, taking the cordless telephone into the garage after she had talked to Andrew.
When the call was over, she came back into the kitchen and furiously cooked up cheese omelets for her daughters, serving them with orange juice. They had immediately run off to watch television and she went back to working on her husband’s breakfast, deciding on just a banana for herself for the moment—she was no longer hungry.
She carried a tray of French toast, eggs and coffee upstairs, walking slowly, thinking about how to bring up that their intended trip had to be postponed—or at least redirected from Orlando, Florida, destination Disney World, to a five-hour drive to Illinois, destination: not-so-fun. In this case, she was glad she had not moved further away from her parents, although that had been her initial plan.
David was in the bathroom when she came in. She heard the sink running as he washed his face.
She rested the tray down on his dresser.
At times like now, she wondered why she was with him. He was unnaturally—as far as she was concerned—dedicated to her, and that bored her sometimes. She found herself wishing once in a while that he would give her something to worry about, make her doubt him for a moment. But he was always where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to do. Trying to be the perfect husband to her, practically at her beck and call. He seemed to look up to her, impressed by everything she was. She was his hero as far as she could tell.
Why couldn’t he go missing for a few unaccountable hours, whisper into a phone call while she was within earshot? Make things interesting for once, if only for a moment? She knew she was worth the adoration, but she wasn’t sure he was worth the same.
When he emerged from the bathroom and noticed her he broke into a smile.
She felt her own lips peel away from her teeth to smile back at him, moved by the warmth in his eyes.
He started walking toward her and she moved toward him, meeting him a little less than halfway.
“I hope you brushed your teeth in there,” she said before kissing him.
He squeezed her butt then noticed the tray.
“Mmm…breakfast,” he said in his best Homer Simpson voice, but it sounded odd with his southern accent. “Thanks sweetheart.”
He took the tray to the bed and sat down, resting it on his nightstand.
When he was done, she was still staring at him although she had not been seeing him, too busy with thoughts of her dad.
He noticed her looking in his direction.
“What is it, sugar? Do I have some boogers on me? Mucus in my eyes?”
She snapped out of her thoughts and laughed.
“No, I was just thinking about our plans.”
“Yeah? What about ‘em?”
The good humor left her.
She sighed.
“They’ve changed, Dave—we have a funeral to go to.”
All signs of joking and laughter left his face. His warm brown eyes searched hers.
“It’s not…is it your mom?”
“No.” She saw him let out a big breath. “It’s my dad.”
His expression almost made her cry right then.
She looked away.
He put down his cup.
“Aw, honey…I’m so sorry—I know you were close. I said your mom only ‘cause I knew it wouldn’t…” He let out a breath. “I am so sorry.”
He reached out to hug her.
She thought about pulling away, afraid she would completely lose it, but she allowed him in the end; she had no choice. He held her tight.
She found herself thinking about how much easier it was to keep everything together when no one knew there was a reason to feel sorry for you, when hugs were not being offered. And even when the hug was just obligatory, you could still keep it together, accept the awkward hug with a dry face. But those genuine hugs of sympathy when the other person’s pity was almost tangible—why was it those made you cry?
“So how shall we tell the girls?” Elaine asked when she had pulled herself together.
“Well,” David began, as he rubbed her shoulder, “in all honesty, they’ll probably be more crushed they’re missing Disney World. We just have to tell them they have to wait a little bit longer.”
***
Elaine was slightly disturbed by the “why did he have to die now?” looks on her daughters’ faces when she finally managed to tell them, and she had to keep reminding herself they were just children—their priorities were a little off. They had not yet learned empathy to the proper degree, didn’t know that they were supposed to feel bad for mommy. Nevertheless, she was glad everyone had already packed. They could leave right away and with a few stops, would probably arrive by that evening, perhaps around six or seven.
Just as she had calculated, they arrived at her mother’s house when the outside was about to be cloaked in darkness, the night lights becoming a glare.
They pulled up behind what looked like Drew’s car.
So mama’s little boy is already here,
she thought.
She was not the least bit surprised; in fact, she was glad he was there. She had not seen him in a while—not even after his wife had left him. She had only spoken with him over the telephone, offered a few encouraging words. Now she felt guilty, as if she had abandoned him but she wasn’t sure there was much more she could have done for him.
It seemed their car pulling up to the house alerted everyone inside, and as David lifted a sleeping Amber from the car, Drew opened the door.
“Lainey!” he shouted as he saw her, a wide grin across his face.
Leaving the door wide open, he ran up to her and grabbed her in a bear hug. She laughed and kissed him on the cheek.
“Hey Drew! How’s it going? I mean…you know, besides…”
He shrugged.
“It’s okay. Jack’s great.”
He thumbed back in the direction of the house.
“Mom’s asleep—you know how early she goes to bed. I was just up watching TV. Hey, look at my nieces! How’re you doing, Amber?” he whispered, bending to hug the eight-year-old who was now awake and standing next to her father. Drew’s initial shout to Elaine had jarred Amber from her sleep so while David was now holding a still-sleeping Jade over his chest and shoulder, his other hand held Amber’s, who started rubbing her eyes with the other. She didn’t answer Drew—just looked up at him miserably with droopy blue eyes.
“I’m sorry for waking you, hon,” Drew said.
He tousled her dark hair and straightened up.
“Nice to see you again, David.”
Elaine watched Drew search for a free hand to shake, then decide to embrace both Jade and David gingerly.
“You too, Drew. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances though,” David replied.
“Yeah, I know. Thanks.” He looked away a moment, his face sobering up. Then he looked back at them, energetic once again. “Well let’s get in the house—can’t let the critters move in while we stand out here. Let’s get these precious girls to bed.”
Drew stood aside and let David in, giving him directions to one of the guest bedrooms. David let him, even though he had visited the home several times before and knew exactly where the bedrooms were.
“Come help me bring these suitcases in from the car,” Elaine told Drew, heading back toward it.
***
The next day, Elaine awoke with plans to get things rolling.
When she got up, she was not surprised to see her husband still asleep on their double bed—she was the early riser of the two. Nor was she surprised her daughters had not yet awakened—they usually only willingly woke up early on Saturdays. But when she went to the kitchen, she saw Drew up and alert, making himself some pancakes.
“It’s seven o’ clock—what are you doing up?” she asked him.
“Same thing as you. Time to get things moving. Want some pancakes?”
“Drew, you know I don’t eat that stuff.”
He shrugged.
“Your loss. What about your family?”
“Yeah, make the batter but put it away until they’re up. They like things fresh.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “You’re all spoiled.”
She smiled at him. “So when’s Jack getting up? I want to see him—he must be so big now.”
“Oh yeah, mustache and everything.”
She laughed, punching him lightly in the arm.
“He’ll be up soon,” he said. “He’ll be excited to see you—but only if he thinks you brought gifts.”
He smiled at her as she rolled her eyes.
“Talk about spoiled,” she said, smiling back at him. She paused. “I’ve missed you Drew. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by to see you sooner.”
His smile slowly disappeared and he shrugged.
“It’s okay, sis. I can’t expect you to just show up whenever something happens to me. I totally understand. I’m sure those girls of yours keep you pretty busy.”
“Yeah they do. They’re a mess!” She was smiling again. “But I love ‘em anyway. I have to!”
“Ain’t that the truth,” he said as he poured syrup over his pancakes.
The sight of all the artificial sweetness almost made her sick.
She turned away.
“So. What about Alice—how’s she taking it all,” she asked, although it came out sounding more like a statement than a question.
She felt him look at her.
“Oh, she’s doing all right I guess. Got rid of all of dad’s stuff.”
She turned and looked back at him.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I took them all away yesterday.”
Her expression must have appeared alarmed to him for then he asked, looking concerned: “Why, did you want something? It was just his old books and clothes and stuff.”
“No, I just—well I did notice the place looks pretty clean. Almost like he never lived here. Even the pictures are gone.”
Elaine felt almost offended on her father’s behalf.
“Yeah, mom wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. She said it was too hard to live around the memories. All the things he would never use again. The pictures are still around, though, just turned down for now. You can ask her to take them if you want. I’ve got dibs on the one with him and the fishing rod with the walleye though.”