Etiquette and Vitriol (17 page)

TODD:
No.

TOMMY:
I'm so humiliated!

(Todd places his hand on Tommy's crotch.)

TODD:
It feels . . . big.

TOMMY:
That's the feather duster.

TODD:
I'm sorry.

TOMMY:
But it's not just that. You see, I've never really had a woman.

TODD:
Surely at the orphanage.

TOMMY:
Just the priests. And they tied me up so all I had to do was shout the occasional “Hail Mary.” They were easily satisfied. I never had to do anything. Now, I'll have to do something!

TODD:
You have nothing to worry about. I'll help you.

TOMMY:
How can you? No one can. Sex is the loneliest arena.

TODD:
Pretend I'm Emma.

TOMMY:
Pardon me?

TODD:
Pretend I'm Emma, I'll talk you through it.

TOMMY:
Do you think we should? It might not be safe.

TODD:
I'll be careful.

TOMMY:
I don't know. I've tried to forget my past and this seems oddly redundant.

TODD:
Just come here.

TOMMY
(Crossing to Todd)
: This won't involve harnesses or holy water?

TODD:
Give me your hand.

TOMMY
(Doing so)
: All right.

TODD:
Put your hand on my waist.

TOMMY
(Doing so)
: Like we're dancing?

TODD:
And your other hand . . .

TOMMY:
Yes?

TODD:
On my breast.

TOMMY:
What breast?

TODD
(Forceful)
: Imagine!

TOMMY
(Placing his hand)
: It's nice.

TODD:
Grab my nipple.

TOMMY:
Like that?

TODD:
Harder.

TOMMY:
Like that?

TODD:
Harder. Just rip that motherfucker off!!

TOMMY:
Doesn't that hurt?

TODD:
YES! YES! YES!

TOMMY:
It seems like a fetish.

TODD:
It's not! Women love this!

TOMMY:
What's next?

TODD:
Don't rush. Do this for a long time.

TOMMY:
How long?

TODD:
You'll know. And trade off, don't ignore the other one!!

TOMMY:
And then?

TODD:
Just shove her down on all fours like a dog and degrade her!!

TOMMY
(Shocked)
: No!

TODD:
Yes!

TOMMY:
Shouldn't I build up to that?

TODD:
If you want.

TOMMY:
I do.

TODD:
All right, tell her she's pretty.

TOMMY:
You're pretty!

TODD:
Thanks.

(With that, Tommy clubs Todd to the floor with a grunt. Blackout. Emma rushes into a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

EMMA:
I've had a memory! I don't think I saw it in a movie or a photograph. I think I remember it. Yes. It's my birthday. I'm seven, or twelve and it's a school day, so I have to go to school. But all the children have to make me a card in art class, and I get a cake in the cafeteria. I blow out my candles and I wish I were someone else. I wish I lived on a farm. I wish I were Pippi Longstocking.

(Arthur enters her pool of light.)

Arthur:
Emma?

EMMA:
Hello, Daddy. I've had a memory!

ARTHUR:
Don't dwell.

EMMA:
Do you like Tommy?

ARTHUR:
Not very much.

EMMA:
Oh.

ARTHUR:
But if you love him, I—love him.

EMMA:
Is there something in your throat? You sound like you're choking.

ARTHUR:
I'm going to miss you very much.

EMMA:
You have a picture in your wallet.

ARTHUR:
It's not the same.

EMMA:
I'll miss you too, Daddy.

ARTHUR:
I have a wedding gift for you.
(He hands her a piece of gum)

EMMA:
It's a piece of gum.

ARTHUR:
When you were little you loved a piece of gum.

EMMA:
I did?

ARTHUR:
You were my little girl.
(He embraces her)
When I came home from work, I'd give you some gum and you hugged me.

EMMA:
I did?

ARTHUR:
And I stroked your hair.

EMMA
(A little sick)
: You did?

ARTHUR:
And I whispered your name, and I loved you, and I kissed—

(Emma pushes away.)

EMMA:
Is it any wonder I can't remember a thing!

(Emma's light goes out. A light comes up on Grace.)

GRACE:
My children were good children. Always well behaved and beautiful. When I had Emma, I had what's called a postpartum depression, so my mother came to stay with us and got on my nerves. Arthur and I were devoted parents. I read all the books on child rearing. Todd cried a lot, and it upset me very much. We had an instant rapport. He had no right to get this disease. Who exactly does he think he is?

(Grace's light goes out. A light comes up on Todd.)

TODD:
It was not uncommon to see my mother in her girdle and bra. This was a natural thing. The bra was translucent and I could see her nipples through the fabric. This was considered dressed. Or maybe it was just okay to see my mother's nipples. I never saw Emma's nipples. I saw my father's nipples plenty of times. I assume my mother did. And when he saw my nipples, it was strictly by chance, and not very often . . .

(Todd's light goes out. A light comes up on Tommy, carrying a polishing rag.)

TOMMY:
I didn't grow up with these people. I'm not part of this family and I think any memories I'd have of the nuns and priests at the orphanage would be inappropriate.

(General light comes up. Tommy goes to the dinosaur skeleton, now one-third finished and standing on a platform. He polishes it. Emma enters.)

EMMA:
Stop that!

TOMMY:
I promised your brother—

EMMA:
How can you touch it! It's a carcass!

TOMMY:
Think of it as sculpture.

EMMA
(Going to him)
: Take me away!

TOMMY:
What?

EMMA:
Let's run away. We can go to Las Vegas! They have chapels in malls.

TOMMY:
What are you talking about?

EMMA:
I don't want to live here anymore!

TOMMY:
What about my job?

EMMA:
Quit!

TOMMY:
Your mother's been so good to me.

EMMA:
You won't help me. I hate you.

TOMMY:
I thought you loved me.

EMMA:
I do—I mean—I want to get away! We don't have to get married. We'll live in a field!

TOMMY:
There are bugs.

EMMA:
We'll eat them! We'll make them into a paste and spread them like jam!

TOMMY:
I don't care for bugs.

EMMA
(Losing control)
: I have to get away! There's a crack in the plaster over my bed, over my body and it's getting worse! One night it'll snap and I'll snap with it! We have to go! My parents are apes! They talk in code! In riddles! I hate my dress! It's either too big or too small! And I never seem to change it! I'm trapped in my dress! I'm a prisoner—

TOMMY:
Shut up!
(He grabs her)

EMMA:
Help me!

TOMMY:
You're pretty.
(He grabs her nipple)

EMMA:
OUCH!

(He clubs her to the floor with a grunt. Blackout. Todd rushes into a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

TODD:
Earlier, when I gave my overview of life on the planet, I explained that I'd forgotten my notes. Now, it's been pointed out to me that I made some mistakes. But I'm not going to correct them, because I don't believe they were mistakes. I think the people who corrected me are idiots. The point is, I forgot my favorite part. The ten plagues. I love the plagues. They happened, as you know, or maybe you don't, after the Jews built the pyramids, or before it, or during. And God wanted to punish the Egyptians for being nasty to the Hebrews, so he tortured them with plagues. I don't remember them all. There was lice and vermin, which always seemed redundant to me. And frogs and blood and something else and something else. And my favorite, the slaying of the first born. It's my favorite because I am a “first born.”

(Solemn)
“And it came to pass at midnight, that the
Lord smote all the first born in the land of Egypt, from the first born of the Pharaoh that sat upon the throne unto the first born of the captive in the dungeon; and all the first born of the cattle. And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in the land of Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. And he called for Moses and Aaron by night and said: ‘Rise up and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go and serve the Lord as ye have said.' And the Egyptians were urgent to send them out of the land in haste; for they said . . . ‘We are all dead men.'”

(The lights come up. Everyone is present. Todd goes to work on the dinosaur. Arthur is reading the newspaper. Emma holds an ice pack on her breast. Tommy cleans windows.)

GRACE
(Blankly)
: Let's talk funerals.

ARTHUR:
Grace!

GRACE:
Well, since Todd is dying—

TOMMY:
Did you ever see
Funeral in Berlin
?

ARTHUR:
Buzz isn't dying.

TODD:
I have no symptoms.

EMMA
(Raising her hand)
: I have symptoms.

GRACE:
I thought he might want to have some say—come away from that thing.

ARTHUR:
It's revolting.

TODD:
It's our history.

GRACE:
I want to talk to you.

TOMMY:
I like it.

TODD:
It's a stegosaurus.

EMMA:
It's icky.

TODD:
Or a tyrannosaurus.

EMMA:
It's creepy.

TODD:
Or a coelurosaurus.

EMMA:
It's
Roget's Thesaurus
!

TOMMY:
With a shade, in the corner, and a forty-watt bulb—

GRACE:
Don't you want some say in what happens after you're gone?

ARTHUR:
I find this inappropriate.

TODD
(Still working)
: In terms of what?

ARTHUR
(To Todd)
: Let's have a catch! Ya like that, Buzzboy?

TODD:
No.

GRACE:
In terms of who reads what, who wears what—

ARTHUR:
We'll go in the yard. It's your day!

TODD:
Did you know dinosaurs lived as families, traveling in packs?

ARTHUR:
Who cares?

EMMA:
The air is like sand.

GRACE
(To Todd)
: What would you like to wear?