Etiquette and Vitriol (29 page)

TONY:
Guess.

VIVIAN:
I don't want to.

TONY:
There's no sense of adventure in people anymore. I'm Tony.

VIVIAN:
It's nice to meet you.

TONY:
Who are you?

VIVIAN:
My name is Vivian.
(Pause)
Where's Philip?

TONY:
He went out.

VIVIAN:
Really?

TONY:
Yes.

VIVIAN:
That's odd. He just left me here?

TONY:
He wasn't feeling well.

VIVIAN:
Oh.

TONY:
He'll be back.

VIVIAN:
I hope so. We're engaged.

TONY:
I'm sure he hasn't gone for good. This is his home.

VIVIAN:
Where's Amy?

TONY:
Upstairs.

VIVIAN:
Oh.

TONY:
Aborting her child.

VIVIAN:
Oh?

TONY:
I expect we'll here blood-curdling screams soon.

VIVIAN:
I hope she knows what she's doing.

(Pause. Tony looks at Vivian for the first time. An idea occurs to him and his demeanor changes.)

TONY:
What did you say your name was?

VIVIAN:
Why?

TONY:
You look familiar to me. Do I look familiar to you?

VIVIAN:
No. But then I'm astigmatic.

TONY:
What was it?

VIVIAN:
Vivian.

TONY:
Vivian what?

VIVIAN:
Vivian Hammer.

TONY:
That's it!

VIVIAN:
Yes, thank you. I know. I know my name.

TONY:
Vivian, don't you remember me?

VIVIAN:
From what? Have we met?

TONY:
We were at the Art Students League together.

VIVIAN:
Really?

TONY:
You don't remember me? I'm insulted.

VIVIAN:
That was five years ago.

TONY:
Exactly right!

VIVIAN:
Yes, I know.

TONY:
You look—well, changed.

VIVIAN:
Were we friends? Did we speak?

TONY
(Lewd)
: Not exactly.

VIVIAN:
Either we did or we didn't.

TONY:
I used to watch you all the time.

VIVIAN:
Pardon me?

TONY:
I stared at you. I thought you were beautiful.

VIVIAN:
Me?

TONY:
Didn't you realize?

VIVIAN:
You're embarrassing me.

TONY:
I undressed you with my eyes.

VIVIAN:
That was hardly necessary. I posed nude quite often.

TONY:
Yes, I know. I remember that.

VIVIAN:
May we talk of something else? Did you vote this year?

TONY:
I saw you in every mirror and young girl that I looked at. You became my obsession. You were, every night, in my dreams. I remember how you glided through a room. You seemed so superior. And your paintings! You were a wonderful painter.

VIVIAN:
Thank you.

TONY:
So violent and full of rage. It was as if you lived in a serene world and poured all your rage into your work.

VIVIAN:
I've stopped painting.

TONY:
That's terrible. Why?

VIVIAN:
I'd rather not go into it.

TONY:
Oh.

VIVIAN:
I had a bad year.

TONY:
What happened?

VIVIAN:
I had a twin sister who was raped and murdered by a young man she met at a church social.

TONY:
I don't believe in religion.

VIVIAN:
It was a tragedy and I was thrown into a depression.

TONY:
You were thrown?

VIVIAN:
I found I could no longer paint. I could no longer see the beauty in a grotesque world. I wanted to disappear. My friends tried to console me, but they just got on my nerves. So I left the country. I wandered the continent, ending up, finally, in England, where I was alone. I tried to become a prostitute, but I lacked the confidence. I lived, for a while, in doorways, and ate scraps from the dustbin. One day, a kindly old woman took pity on me and brought me to her house. When I told her I could no longer see the order of the universe, she mistook my insight for a literal complaint and took me to the eye doctor, where I received my glasses. She was an idiot.

TONY
(Advancing)
: They suit you . . . sort of.

VIVIAN
(Withdrawing)
: I don't care! I don't care to be attractive any longer. I've moved beyond the pursuit of physical perfe—
(She looks at him as a sexual being, for the first time really)
Where was I?

TONY:
At the ophthalmologist.

VIVIAN:
Yes. That's right. My glasses were symbolic. I saw then, that I had to go on living. It was not time for me to resign myself. And so, I got a job and found new peace. Shortly after that, I met Philip.

TONY:
And does he satisfy you?

VIVIAN:
What do you mean?

TONY:
He looks sickly. He looks like death.

VIVIAN:
Oh. You mean physically.

TONY:
What else is there?

VIVIAN:
You mean sexually.

TONY:
Yes.

VIVIAN:
We don't have sex.

TONY:
Pardon me?

VIVIAN:
I don't see how it's any of your business, but we have a spiritual bond. We don't have to have sex.

TONY:
No one
has
to.

VIVIAN:
We don't choose to.

TONY:
How can you love someone without sex?

VIVIAN:
Must everything be physical? We're human beings, not gorillas.

TONY:
I think so.

VIVIAN:
You're standing too close to me.

TONY
(Not moving)
: I'm sorry.

VIVIAN
(Escaping)
: You sicken me.

TONY:
For someone so enlightened, you're awfully quick to judge.

VIVIAN:
I'm not judging. I'm just feeling queasy.

TONY:
You wouldn't be so cruel, if you knew me better.

VIVIAN:
We'll never know.

TONY:
I wasn't always this Adonis women swoon over.

VIVIAN:
I'm not swooning.

TONY:
I've had a terrible life.

VIVIAN:
I can only imagine.

TONY
(Obviously lying)
: You may not believe this, to look at me now, I know it's hard to believe, but . . . I was very unattractive as a child.

VIVIAN:
Oh really?

TONY:
Yes. Yes, I was. I was, I was . . . fat! I was very, very fat. I was huge! And I was covered with moles and warts and birthmarks! And I was bowlegged!

VIVIAN:
I find this hard to believe.

TONY:
I was grotesque and friendless.

VIVIAN:
I'm sure you were friendless.

TONY:
I spent my days in my room eating cookies and reading Spinoza.

VIVIAN:
Then what happened to you? How did you accomplish this “transformation”?

TONY
(Stalling)
: I can't tell you.

VIVIAN:
Fine.

TONY:
It's too painful to relive.

VIVIAN:
If you don't want to tell me.

TONY
(Making this up as he goes along)
: One day, I was driving along with my parents—who were also very ugly—I was driving with them to church. It was a Sunday, and I believed in God then. It was very foggy. And then . . . out of nowhere, out of the bushes by the side of the road, this very little boy . . . who was also very ugly, appeared on a little red tricycle. My father, who was a bad driver, as well as being ugly, swerved to avoid him. . . . The next thing I remember, we were very still. Somehow the car was upside down and my father's eyes were looking at me, but there was blood all over his face and my mother's head was turned in a way that I knew her neck was broken.

VIVIAN
(Weakening)
: My.

TONY
(Believing it himself at this point)
: I thought I was dead. I assumed it. And I think, maybe, for a time, I was. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. I was covered with bandages. They told me my parents were killed. But I couldn't cry. Or move. Or see. . . . Or feel!

VIVIAN
(Going to him)
: I'm so sorry.

TONY
(Retreating behind the sofa)
: Don't patronize me!

VIVIAN:
I'm not.

TONY:
I was in the hospital for months. I had surgery after surgery. They fixed my bones and my flesh and my face. But I was sick with something more than just my injuries. I was guilty because I had lived and my parents had died. . . .
After a year, they removed my bandages to reveal what they'd made. And I saw the new me. And I saw that I was beautiful. So I set out to remake myself and discover the world. I resolved to live for pleasure at all costs. To please myself, physically, and make use of the miracle to which I was a witness.

VIVIAN
(Joining him, behind the sofa)
: That's very touching.

TONY:
There is nothing but physical pleasure.

VIVIAN:
I disagree.

TONY:
Because you haven't known any.

VIVIAN:
But what about rational thought and ideology?

TONY:
Abstractions!

VIVIAN:
But don't you think a set of aesthetics and intellectual criteria—

TONY
(Taking her)
: They don't compare to two hot, sweaty bodies writhing and pounding away at each other in a fit of hot, wet, animal lust!

VIVIAN:
Please!

TONY:
Trust me!

VIVIAN:
Your hot breath is wilting my resolve.

TONY:
Take off your glasses.

VIVIAN:
I won't be a cliché.

TONY:
Then leave 'em on. What the hell.

VIVIAN:
I'm engaged.

TONY
(Kissing her neck)
: You smell like Hershey's Kisses.

VIVIAN:
I have some in my pocket, would you like one?

TONY:
No!!

VIVIAN:
What are you doing?

TONY:
Licking your neck!

VIVIAN:
I was afraid that was it.

TONY:
Admit you enjoy it.

VIVIAN:
I'm engaged to be married!

TONY:
You said that.

VIVIAN:
No I didn't. “To be married” was new.

TONY:
Don't speak.

VIVIAN:
Why are you doing this?

TONY:
Don't think about why!

VIVIAN
(Writhing)
: Oh God.

TONY:
You're a beautiful woman!

VIVIAN:
Compared to what?

TONY:
Others in the room.