Etiquette and Vitriol (40 page)

HOWARD:
Bishop likes it. Don't you, Bishop?

BISHOP:
I HATE IT!!!!

PHYLLIS:
He forms opinions quickly.

BISHOP:
IT'S UGLY!!!

PHYLLIS:
Someone's getting off the elevator! Someone's coming!

(She runs into the room)

HOWARD:
There.

PHYLLIS:
I don't like it here! I don't like it. I want to go. This isn't my home. This isn't my furniture!

BISHOP:
Get a hold of yourself, vomithead.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call your mother vomithead.

PHYLLIS:
This isn't my living room. Everything's different! This isn't my chair!

HOWARD:
It's new.

PHYLLIS:
I want my chair! Where's my chair!

HOWARD:
It's gone. You like this one.

PHYLLIS:
I don't! It's strange. Ooh, ick, I hate this chair.

BISHOP:
The chair is fine, bilebrain.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should—

PHYLLIS:
I WANT MY OLD CHAIR!

HOWARD:
But.

BISHOP:
Get her old chair, for Christ's sake.

PHYLLIS:
I WANT IT. I WANT IT.

HOWARD:
I threw it out.

PHYLLIS:
WHY!!

BISHOP
(Threatens)
: That was stupid.

HOWARD:
I redecorated. I just got some new furniture. That's all.

PHYLLIS:
This isn't my home. Where am I? My home has a wingback chair. Where am I?

HOWARD:
You are home.

PHYLLIS:
I don't think so.

BISHOP:
You shouldn'ta thrown it out, craphead.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call me craphead—

BISHOP:
Shut up.

PHYLLIS:
Wherever I am. I want to leave. Can I leave here? Do you think we could go, Bishop?

BISHOP:
We just got here—

PHYLLIS:
But I don't like it.

HOWARD:
What's wrong with her?

BISHOP:
She's nuts, splitbrain—

HOWARD:
I don't think—

PHYLLIS
(Hiding her eyes with the shoes, she sinks to the ground)
: This is not my home.

BISHOP:
She's a dusthead.

PHYLLIS:
Is not. Is not. Is not.

BISHOP:
Ignore her.

PHYLLIS:
Is not. Is not. Is not.

BISHOP:
Yeah. She'll shut up.

HOWARD:
Maybe she should lie down.

BISHOP:
Do you want to lie down?

PHYLLIS:
My feet hurt.

HOWARD:
What does that mean?

BISHOP:
It means her feet hurt, phlegmhead.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call me—

BISHOP:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PHYLLIS:
My feet hurt.

HOWARD:
Would you like to lie down?

PHYLLIS:
These shoes are pretty, but they're too small.

BISHOP:
She doesn't want to lie down.

PHYLLIS:
I think they're a six.

BISHOP:
Ignore her.

PHYLLIS:
I'm an eight.

HOWARD:
Ignore her?

PHYLLIS:
Do you have anything in an eight? A pump?

BISHOP:
She'll shut up. You'll shut up, won't you dusthead?

PHYLLIS:
Black crocodile, maybe?

HOWARD:
Well, sit down, son.

BISHOP:
You sit down.

HOWARD
(Sitting)
: All right.

PHYLLIS:
Do you have anything in patent leather?

HOWARD:
How are you son?

BISHOP:
Gee, I'm fine, thanks. And you?

HOWARD:
Good, good. I'm good.

BISHOP:
That's good.

HOWARD:
I'm fine.

PHYLLIS:
I'd like to see this in an eight.

HOWARD:
It's good to have you home.

BISHOP:
Mmmmmmm.

HOWARD:
It's good to have you home.

BISHOP:
You said that.

HOWARD:
Oh.
(Reaching out to Bishop)
Tell me. Was it terrible. Do you want to talk about it?

BISHOP:
Want to make a movie of it?

HOWARD:
Well, maybe.

BISHOP:
Fuck you.

HOWARD:
I don't think—

PHYLLIS
(Out)
: Excuse me, could someone help me?

HOWARD:
What?

PHYLLIS
(Out)
: Could someone—I'd like to try something on.

BISHOP:
Ignore her!!

PHYLLIS
(Out)
: Could someone help me?

HOWARD:
Well. I guess you're anxious to get back to school, back to your friends?

BISHOP:
What friends?

HOWARD:
Your little friends—

BISHOP:
I'm not going back.

HOWARD:
You have to go to school.

PHYLLIS
(To Howard)
: Could someone help me please?

HOWARD:
Everybody goes to school.

BISHOP:
Do you?

PHYLLIS
(Out)
: This is a terrible store.

HOWARD:
You used to like school.

PHYLLIS
(Out)
: The salespeople hate me.

HOWARD:
You used to enjoy it.

BISHOP:
That was then.

HOWARD:
Well, once you go back—

BISHOP:
I'M NOT GOING BACK!

PHYLLIS
(To Howard)
: Could someone please, please help me?

HOWARD:
You try it. You go back and give it a try.

PHYLLIS
(More desperate)
: Please, please, please!

BISHOP
(To Howard)
: Fuck you.

HOWARD:
Maybe not this week. You rest this week.

PHYLLIS:
Please, please, please!

HOWARD:
Maybe next week. You'll go back next week and you'll see you like it.

BISHOP:
It's summer! You asshole! It's fucking summer! What will I do at the fucking school when I get there! It's fucking summer!

HOWARD:
Well there is summer school!!! Maybe you've heard of summer school!!! It's school! And they have it in the summer!!

BISHOP:
Shut up!

HOWARD:
I don't mean to shout.

BISHOP:
Fuck you!

HOWARD:
I don't mean to lose my temper.

BISHOP:
Drop dead!

HOWARD:
I mean to be a good father!

PHYLLIS
(Out; breaking down)
: All I want—all I want to do, all I want to do is, I want to try, I want to try on some shoes! Shoes! Shoes. And no one will pay any, no one will wait, wait on me! I need some, some, no one will, will, will someone help me, help me, help me, help me—

HOWARD
(Going to her)
: Calm down Phyllis, calm down. It's all right. I'm here. I'm here.

BISHOP
(Almost chanting)
: DO NOT TOUCH HER! DO NOT TOUCH HER! DO NOT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!? DO NOT!

PHYLLIS:
I—

BISHOP:
DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT! DO NOT!

(There is a blackout and Howard steps into a pool of light.
As
he speaks, the lights come up dimly behind him. We see Bishop dragging on a huge bag of shoes, mostly tattered-looking. Bishop and Phyllis arrange the shoes around her on the floor.)

HOWARD
(Out)
: I don't know if Bishop went to school. About three days after he came back, he started leaving. Going out in the morning and coming back at night. I thought, if he went to school, if he saw people his own age, he would calm down. Are you going to school, Bishop?

BISHOP
(From his place by Phyllis)
: NO!

HOWARD:
Where are you going?

BISHOP:
NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

HOWARD:
We had what you might call a negative rapport. And Phyllis sat in the living room. Arranging her shoes. Breaking my heart. Occasionally, she made sense, but mostly, Bishop was right. It was best to ignore her. She slept on the floor of the living room and Pam came to me. Creeping past her.

(Pam enters and joins Howard in his pool of light. While they talk, we see, dimly, Bishop caressing, fondling and making love to Phyllis.)

PAM:
It's long enough Howard.

HOWARD:
What?

PAM:
I can't go on like this.

HOWARD:
Like what?

PAM:
Living in the closet.

HOWARD:
Oh.

PAM:
With them here.

HOWARD:
Be patient.

PAM:
I need you Howard.

HOWARD
(Out)
: I felt so guilty.

PAM:
Send them away.

HOWARD:
I feel so guilty.

PAM:
You didn't do anything.

HOWARD:
They need me.

PAM:
She's insane.

HOWARD:
She's confused.

PAM:
He's dangerous.

HOWARD:
He's high-strung.

PAM:
They need help.

HOWARD:
I'm his father.

PAM:
Put them away.

HOWARD:
You look very beautiful.

PAM:
Howard.

(Pam leaves the light. The light behind Howard goes out so he is alone onstage.)

HOWARD:
And Pam pushed me. And we made love. And in her breasts I forgot my savage son and my addled wife. Her skin is as white as beach sand, and I made circles around her nipples with my tongue. And in the darkness as I fucked her, as she panted, not to wake them, Bishop saw us. He watched from the hallway. He stared at the door. He stood in the dark. And I knew he was watching, and I pounded harder and she said I was a god. And I was trapped, unable to move in any direction.

(Howard exits. The lights come up on Phyllis playing with her shoes. Pam enters, now visibly pregnant. Some time has passed. She is dressed in a maid's uniform. She dusts.)

PAM:
‘Scuse me.

PHYLLIS:
I was arranging my shoes.

PAM:
I was going to dust in here.

PHYLLIS:
You can.

PAM
(Sarcastic)
: I won't disturb you?

PHYLLIS:
I am so disturbed already.

PAM:
It's a lot of shoes.

PHYLLIS:
None of them fit.

PAM:
Where do they come from?

PHYLLIS:
Shoe stores, I think.

PAM:
Oh.