Etiquette and Vitriol (36 page)

(Bishop steps into the light, holding a trousered leg.)

Who's for dinner?

BISHOP:
Leg of pilot.

(Phyllis takes the leg. Exits.)

My father has a mistress. I think he always has.

(The lights come up on Howard and Pam.)

HOWARD:
I think I could love you.

PAM:
Well, thanks.

HOWARD:
What did you say your name was again?

PAM:
I didn't.

HOWARD:
You have beautiful legs.

PAM:
It's Pam. Pamela. Pam.

HOWARD:
It's a beautiful name. Would you like something to eat?

PAM:
No thank you.

HOWARD:
Are you sure?

PAM:
I don't eat.

HOWARD:
I don't understand.

PAM:
I take liquid protein.

HOWARD:
Oh?

PAM:
And amphetamines.

HOWARD:
Don't you get hungry?

PAM:
I fill up on pills.

HOWARD:
You look thin to me.

PAM
(Out)
: The camera adds ten pounds.

HOWARD:
You're an actress?

PAM:
Yes. Maybe you've seen some of my films?
Hannah Does Her Sisters, Lubricating Rita, Fatal Erection, True Clit, Star Whores, Anal Weapon, A Room with a View
?

HOWARD:
You were in
A Room with a View
?

PAM:
No. I just said that. I don't know why.

HOWARD:
Oh. I direct films.

PAM:
I know that. I've seen every one of your movies.

HOWARD:
Really?

PAM:
No.

HOWARD:
Oh. Would you like a drink?

PAM:
No. I don't drink.

HOWARD:
Why not?

PAM:
I gave it up.

HOWARD:
When?

PAM:
I drink. I don't know why I said that.

HOWARD:
Well, would you like one?

PAM:
Yes. No.

HOWARD:
Are you nervous?

PAM:
Yes. Not really. I took a Dietack at three o'clock.

HOWARD:
You look thin to me—

PAM
(Out)
: The camera adds ten pounds—

HOWARD:
Should we go to bed?

PAM:
That's very direct.

HOWARD:
I'm sorry.

PAM
(Out)
: I like that in a man.

HOWARD:
Do you?

PAM
(Out)
: No. Of course not. All day on the set, that's what I get. Nice to meet you. Roll tape and penetration.

HOWARD:
Would you like to go?

PAM:
I think so.

HOWARD:
I'll get your coat.

PAM:
I mean I want to stay. I find you incredibly attractive. I think you might be the handsomest man I've ever seen.

HOWARD:
Really?

PAM:
Of course not. I mean you're nice-looking, but I just said that. I thought you'd like to hear it. I guess. I mean I do think you're fine. Is your penis big?

HOWARD:
Yes.

PAM:
Really?

HOWARD:
No. I mean I guess it's average.

PAM:
It doesn't matter.

HOWARD:
Really?

PAM
(Out)
: To some people.

HOWARD:
It matters to you?

PAM:
No.

HOWARD:
Good.

PAM
(Out)
: It matters.

HOWARD:
Yes?

PAM:
No.

HOWARD:
Good.

PAM:
You direct movies?

HOWARD:
Yes.

PAM:
You could put me in one.

HOWARD:
I could.

PAM:
Would you?

HOWARD:
Yes.

PAM:
Really?

HOWARD:
No. I just said that hoping it would make you more eager to have sex with me and less concerned about my genital size.

PAM:
I see. Your bluntness verges on insulting.

HOWARD:
That's the way I am. Abrupt and self-absorbed.

PAM:
I find it repulsive.

HOWARD:
We're attracted to that which repels us.

PAM:
Oh?

HOWARD:
I hope so. My marriage is based on it.

PAM:
I think I should go.

HOWARD:
That might be best.

PAM:
It was nice meeting you.

HOWARD:
I'll get you a cab.

(They embrace and sink to the ground. Bishop enters a pool of light and addresses the audience.)

BISHOP:
Katharine Hepburn made
Suddenly Last Summer
in n-n-nineteen-fifty-nine. It was based on a one-act play by Tennessee Williams. B-b-both she and Elizabeth Taylor were n-n-nominated for Oscars for the film. It is the story of Violet Venable, Katharine Hepburn's efforts to have her n-n-niece, Elizabeth Taylor, lobotomized by Doctor Montgomery Clift. She wants to stop Liz from telling the world about her son, Sebastian—named for St. Sebastian, who was pecked to death by crows, like Tippi Hedren in the movie,
The Birds. (His stutter is gone)
It seems, Sebastian was this homo who used to use Katharine to lure young men on tropical islands, until she got too old and he had to use Liz. (And Katharine had the hots for junior herself, sorta.) But last summer he was eaten to death by homo-cannibals, which according to the movie had something
to do with sea turtles and Elizabeth Taylor's bathing suit becoming transparent when it got wet.
(He looks at his feet, which straighten themselves from their pigeon-toed stance)
According to legend, and her biography, by Charles Higham, Katharine Hepburn had to have homosexuality explained to her by Joseph Mankiewicz. Now, I don't think it's possible to have worked in Hollywood for twenty-five years and not to have figured it out. I think anyone who claims not to know that kind of thing is hiding something because they're nervous. I think this probably relates to why Katharine Hepburn only lived with her husband, Ludlow Ogden Smith for a few months, but had the same secretary, Laura Harding, for over twenty years.
(He takes a moment and stands up perfectly straight, for the first time)
Anyway, in the end of the movie, Monty saves Liz and Katharine loses her marbles. It was in black and white.
(His voice drops to a deeper register. He now speaks strongly, coldly)
I do not mind it on the island. The sky is almost always blue. I can do what I want. I can be by myself. It was not like that at home.

(Lights come up on Phyllis, young and silly, holding a baby, and Howard, reading. Bishop watches.)

PHYLLIS:
He's a beautiful baby. Marie says he's beautiful. My mother says we're out of mashed potatoes and did you want dessert?

HOWARD:
Uh-huh.

BISHOP
(Out)
: I can't remember this.

PHYLLIS:
I think he looks like you.

BISHOP:
But I do.

PHYLLIS:
Except he doesn't have any hair. If we shaved your head he'd look more like you. Or we could get him a little wig. Do you think we could get him a little wig, Howard? Would you like a little Zsa Zsa Gabor synthetic wig, Baby?

HOWARD:
I'm reading.

BISHOP:
Look at me.

PHYLLIS:
Look at him Howard.

HOWARD:
I'm reading.

BISHOP:
Look at me.

PHYLLIS:
We should name him Howard—I don't mean we should name him Howard—although we could—I mean, Howard, we should name him.

BISHOP
(To Phyllis)
: Don't name me Howard.

HOWARD:
Not now, I'm reading.

PHYLLIS:
But it's been two months!

BISHOP
(To Howard)
: I need a name.

HOWARD:
Darling—

PHYLLIS:
Who?

HOWARD:
Phyllis—

PHYLLIS:
What?

HOWARD:
You're in my light.

PHYLLIS:
We can't keep calling him Baby. It's embarrassing—

HOWARD:
Can't you see that I'm reading?

BISHOP
(To Howard)
: So what?

PHYLLIS:
I'm sorry.

HOWARD:
I have to read now.

PHYLLIS:
What are you reading?

HOWARD:
A book.

PHYLLIS:
But Howard—

HOWARD:
You're in my light.

PHYLLIS:
I'm sorry.

HOWARD:
Thank you.

PHYLLIS:
I suppose we could call him Baby.

HOWARD:
Uh-huh.

PHYLLIS:
Baby Hogan. It has a ring. No, no. I don't like it. The other children will make fun of him.

HOWARD:
He doesn't know any other children.

PHYLLIS:
But he will.

BISHOP
(Out)
: Not really.

PHYLLIS:
And I don't think Baby is an appropriate name. What if he's tall? People will say, “Here comes that big Baby.”

HOWARD
(Out)
: This went on for months.

PHYLLIS:
I'll name you baby. I don't mean I'll name you Baby, I mean, baby, I'll name you.

HOWARD
(Out)
: What was sweet became cloying.

PHYLLIS:
That's kind of jazzy.

HOWARD
(Out)
: What was charming became grating.

PHYLLIS:
You're pink. We'll call you Pink Hogan—no, no, that's faggy.

HOWARD
(Out)
: What was endearing became insufferable.

PHYLLIS:
Blue. Blue is for boys—no, no. People will think you were a blue baby.

HOWARD
(Out)
: I worked more and more.

PHYLLIS:
What do you think Howard, do you like pink or blue?

HOWARD:
I like brown.

PHYLLIS:
For a name?

HOWARD:
As a color.

PHYLLIS:
We can't call him brown, Howard. People will think we're Negroes.

HOWARD:
Please stop talking.

BISHOP:
Name me!

PHYLLIS:
We have to name the baby, Howard.

BISHOP:
Name me!

PHYLLIS:
We have to! It's humiliating! The other mothers come up to me in the supermarket and they say, “Oooo what an adorable baby, what's his name?”

HOWARD
(Out)
: It's like living with a metronome!

PHYLLIS:
And I just say the first thing that comes into my head!

The other day he was Cap'n Crunch—I was in cereal.

HOWARD
(Snapping)
: WHAT AM I DOING!?

PHYLLIS:
What?

HOWARD:
WHAT AM I DOING?

PHYLLIS:
Reading?

HOWARD:
THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT!