Etiquette and Vitriol (42 page)

BISHOP:
And where do you think I get 'em?

PHYLLIS:
I don't know.

BISHOP:
Where!

PHYLLIS:
Shoe stores?

BISHOP:
Wrong, crapnoodle.

PHYLLIS:
The garbage?

BISHOP:
Wrong, pissnoggin.

PHYLLIS:
You steal them?

BISHOP:
WRONG, sewageconk.

PHYLLIS:
I don't want to know.

BISHOP:
Why not?

PHYLLIS:
I'd rather not—

BISHOP:
People don't just give up their shoes!

PHYLLIS
(Realizing)
: Oh my. Oh my God.

BISHOP:
There are barefoot bodies all over town.

PHYLLIS
(Frightened)
: Bishop, all these shoes?

BISHOP:
I take care of you.

PHYLLIS:
You did this?

BISHOP:
For you.

PHYLLIS:
You had no right. Bishop: Why not?

PHYLLIS:
I don't know. It's not right. It's not moral.

BISHOP
(Indicating the leg)
: With her it's moral
(Indicating the shoes),
with them, it's not?

PHYLLIS
(A confidence)
: Well, I never really cared for her.

BISHOP:
Some morals.

PHYLLIS:
I feel sick.

BISHOP:
Have a bromo.

PHYLLIS:
We have to go. Now. Before your father comes home.

BISHOP:
He can be dessert.

PHYLLIS:
You shouldn't have killed her. I think he liked her. He's bound to notice.

BISHOP:
Leave it to me, assholehead.

PHYLLIS:
Don't call me that!

BISHOP:
What?

PHYLLIS:
What do you want to take?

BISHOP:
You hate me. You wish I'd died in the plane crash.

PHYLLIS:
Don't be absurd.

BISHOP:
You hate me. I can tell!

PHYLLIS:
You should not have murdered her. It showed poor judgment. You act in haste.

BISHOP:
I had to!

PHYLLIS:
Why?

BISHOP:
You told her. She knew about us—she'd get them to put me away—you told her! It's your fault!

PHYLLIS:
Don't blame me!

BISHOP:
Why not? It's your fault!

PHYLLIS:
You just wait until your father gets home—

BISHOP:
You want them to catch me, admit it. You want to be alone with
him
again. You prefer him to me, don't you? It's obvious!

PHYLLIS:
I didn't kill his little concubine, you did! It's fine as long
as you do away with random strangers—you were fine when you couldn't be traced—but now you'll get caught. You never think ahead, that's your problem! There are repercussions.

BISHOP:
I'M SORRY! ALL RIGHT! I'M SORRY! BUT IT'S DONE! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT NOW!!

PHYLLIS
(Deadpan)
: Well, stop eating her for one thing.

BISHOP:
I hate you.

PHYLLIS:
Help me shut this—

HOWARD
(Offstage)
: I'm home!

PHYLLIS:
Don't speak.

BISHOP:
I'm not afraid of him.

PHYLLIS:
Let me handle this.
(Hiding “the leg” in the sofa)
I'll stall him. We'll leave tonight.

BISHOP:
Yeah yeah yeah.

PHYLLIS:
Please.

(She sits on her suitcase. Howard enters.)

HOWARD:
How is everyone?

PHYLLIS:
Oh fine. Fine, fine, thank you.

HOWARD:
And the shoes?

PHYLLIS:
Oh, they're happy shoes.

HOWARD:
Why the suitcase.

PHYLLIS:
What suitcase?

HOWARD:
That one.

PHYLLIS:
Oh, this?

HOWARD:
Planning a trip?

PHYLLIS:
Redecorating. Like it?

HOWARD:
Did you learn anything in school today, son?

BISHOP:
I don't go to school, you moron.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call me a moron, Bishop. I think it's disrespectful. How can we be a family—

BISHOP:
I don't go to school, you dipshit.

HOWARD:
What's wrong with him?

PHYLLIS
(Shrugging)
: Kids today?

BISHOP:
Christ.

PHYLLIS:
I feel all in. Time for bed!

HOWARD:
Where's Pam?

PHYLLIS:
I'm pooped. Did we spring forward or fall back or something?

HOWARD:
Where is Pam?

PHYLLIS:
Who?

HOWARD:
Pam.

PHYLLIS
(Relocating onto the sofa in order to hide “the leg”)
: I don't know anyone named Pam. Do you know a Pam, Bishop?

BISHOP:
You bet.

PHYLLIS:
I don't know who you mean.

HOWARD:
Pam. Pamela. The maid.

PHYLLIS:
Oh. Pam.

HOWARD:
Where is she?

PHYLLIS:
Out. Pam went out.

HOWARD:
Out where?

PHYLLIS:
Howard, I know I've been nutty and you've been unfaithful, but I feel all better now and I'd like to start over. Could we renew our vows?

HOWARD:
Out where? Where'd she go?

PHYLLIS:
Nevada. She went to Nevada.

HOWARD:
What?

PHYLLIS:
Yes. She wanted to play blackjack.

HOWARD:
Pam!

PHYLLIS:
She's gone. She wanted to play Big Six.

HOWARD:
God.

PHYLLIS:
She wanted to see Siegfried and Roy.

HOWARD:
Bishop!

BISHOP:
What?

HOWARD:
Where's Pam?

(Bishop belches.)

PHYLLIS:
She wanted to see Elvis impersonators.

BISHOP:
How the fuck should I know?

PHYLLIS:
She left you to become Barry Manilow's maid.

HOWARD
(Losing his patience)
: What are you talking about!

PHYLLIS:
Barry Manilow. I love him. He writes the songs.

BISHOP:
Ignore her.

PHYLLIS:
It's hard to find loyal help.

(Bishop reaches into the sofa and pulls out a handful of “Pam.”.)

HOWARD
(Disgusted)
: What is that?

PHYLLIS
(Rising)
: Let's remember happier times.

BISHOP:
Dinner. You want?

PHYLLIS:
Fresh air and sunshine. When Betty, and Bud and Kitten were kids. Why, I remember once—oh, no, that's not us. That's
Father Knows Best.
Damn.

HOWARD
(Looks closer)
: What is that?!

BISHOP
(Revealing the leg)
: What's it look like?

HOWARD:
MY GOD!

PHYLLIS:
Anyone for Yahtzee?

BISHOP:
She's good but she's dry.

HOWARD:
What happened here?!

PHYLLIS:
Not to change the subject. But.

HOWARD
(Revolted)
: What the hell is that?

BISHOP
(Mock gee-whiz)
: Well, gosh Dad. I know it's the first time I brought a girl home, but I think it's love—I'd like ya ta meet Pam.

HOWARD
(Reaching out)
: Pam.

BISHOP:
I knew ya'd like her.

HOWARD:
Oh my God. Pam.
(Running off)
Pam! Pam!

BISHOP:
If you want a leg there's more in the fridge.

HOWARD
(Returning)
: What are you?

BISHOP
(Yanking the leg)
: Starved!

HOWARD:
You did this!

BISHOP:
That's right.

HOWARD:
I'll kill you!

PHYLLIS:
Bishop, go to your room.

BISHOP:
Drop dead.

HOWARD
(Lunging at Bishop)
: I'LL KILL YOU!

BISHOP
(Pulling a knife)
: I don't think so.

HOWARD:
Try it! Try it, you little bastard!

PHYLLIS:
I wouldn't taunt him dear. He's high-strung.

HOWARD:
You're sick! You're insane!

PHYLLIS:
Don't do it Bishop! I don't even like his shoes.

HOWARD:
You're evil.

PHYLLIS:
They're too clunky. I'd feel all masculine.

BISHOP:
Shut up!

PHYLLIS:
Howard, talk to your son. He shouldn't tell me to shut up.

HOWARD:
Kill me! Kill me now, or I'll kill you!

PHYLLIS:
I just said you should “talk” to him.

BISHOP:
You never cared about me!

PHYLLIS:
He has a point.

HOWARD:
You killed someone—someone I cared about, cared for, someone I loved!!

BISHOP:
I could never please you!

PHYLLIS
(Momentarily affected by what she's heard)
: You loved her Howard?

HOWARD:
Yes!

BISHOP:
You see!

PHYLLIS:
I knew, but I hoped—

HOWARD:
I loved her!

PHYLLIS:
Oh kill him, Bishop.

HOWARD:
Phyllis!

PHYLLIS:
Go ahead. You have Mother's permission.

HOWARD:
What are you talking about?

PHYLLIS
(Going to Bishop, cheerily)
: We're freaks and we belong together.

HOWARD:
I'm calling the police.

PHYLLIS
(To Bishop)
: Get him.

(Bishop lunges at Howard. There is a struggle.)

Men being men.

HOWARD
(Straddled by Bishop)
: Get off me! WHAT ARE YOU?

BISHOP:
I could kill you like
that
and eat you for breakfast!

HOWARD:
Please. You're sick. You should be in a hospital—

BISHOP:
You just want to send me away! You're sorry I came back!

HOWARD:
That's not true—I want to help you, I'll help you!

BISHOP:
Lying mother motherfucker!

PHYLLIS:
Name-calling is a dirty business.

HOWARD:
You're my son. You need help!

PHYLLIS:
Someone's changed his tune.

BISHOP:
You don't get rid of me! I get rid of you! WATCH!