Etiquette and Vitriol (44 page)

NESTOR:
Send in Popo Martin, please.

(Popo rises and addresses the audience. She is
very
cheerful.)

POPO
: I am Popo Martin. My friends call me Popo Martin. Dr. Nestor says I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I think I have Marnie's disease. You know, like Tippi Hedren in that movie. When I see red, I see red! I mean, I have an episode. Although sometimes it happens when I don't see red. And sometimes I see red and it doesn't happen. I am the most
popular girl in the hospital. I gets lots of visitors! I was a cheerleader. I'd do a cheer for you now, but I don't have my pompoms. All my teachers love me. The girls on the squad come to visit me every Sunday. The principal sent me a get-well note and the boys autographed a football. You can ask anyone in school about me, and they'd all say the same thing. Popo Martin is always cheerful. Popo Martin is a natural leader. Popo Martin looks on the bright side. Popo Martin has a smile on her lips and a kind word for a saddened stranger. Which is probably why everyone was so surprised when it happened. I tried to kill myself! I took thirty-five sleeping pills out of my mother's purse. I didn't want to smile anymore. My jaw hurts. And whistling gives me a headache. I want, more than anything, to wallow in a hopeless depression—but it just goes against my grain. So I tried to kill myself. That's why I'm here.

(Bishop and Phyllis have been watching her. Popo turns to Bishop and addresses him. As they speak, Phyllis recedes, but does not exit.)

I'm Popo Martin. You can call me Popo Martin.

BISHOP:
Yeah so and.

POPO
(Holding out a potholder)
: Look what I made!

BISHOP:
It's a square of fabric.

POPO
(Proud)
: It's a potholder!

BISHOP:
Mmmmmm.

POPO
: Don't you think it's beautiful?

BISHOP:
No.

POPO:
I do! I think it's the most beautiful one I've made yet! I've made thirty-seven potholders. Thirty-seven potholders and twenty-two ashtrays—which is odd, because they won't let you cook here, or smoke cigarettes. Do I seem cheerful to you?

BISHOP:
Grossly.

POPO
: I hate you.

BISHOP:
What are you doing here?

POPO
: I wanted to show you my potholder. I noticed you. You go after me, to see Dr. Nestor.
(She holds a potholder over each eye)
Look, look! I'm Kitty Carlisle!

PHYLLIS:
She's an idiot Bishop.

BISHOP:
You're an idiot.

POPO
: You said something negative. So I didn't hear it. I tried to kill myself.

BISHOP:
Try, try again, I always say.

POPO
: Why are you here?

BISHOP:
This is my room.

POPO
: You look familiar. I know! You're that person who was on that desert island! You killed your parents! I saw you on
Geraldo
! You look thinner in person.

BISHOP:
That wasn't me.

POPO
: Can I have your autograph? Can I have your child? You're like a movie star. You look so much thinner. Wait till everyone hears that I know you! Could I kiss you?

PHYLLIS:
Bishop!

BISHOP:
No.

POPO
: Could I? You can put your hands on my breasts.

PHYLLIS:
Bishop!

POPO
: You can tie me up if you want. You can fuck me if you want!

PHYLLIS:
Bishop!

POPO
: Bishop?

NESTOR:
Bishop!

BISHOP:
What?!

(Bishop leaves Popo, who returns to the cot. He joins Nestor at the desk. Phyllis follows.)

NESTOR:
How are you today?

BISHOP:
You tell me.

NESTOR:
You tell me.

BISHOP:
Don't start.

NESTOR:
Tell me about the island.

BISHOP:
Well there was the Skipper and the Professor and Mary Ann and a millionaire and his wife—

NESTOR:
You were alone with your mother.

BISHOP:
Yes.

NESTOR:
How did you feel about that?

PHYLLIS:
Tell him nothing.

NESTOR:
Did you care for your mother?

BISHOP:
You tell me—

NESTOR:
I can't.

BISHOP:
Too bad.

NESTOR:
What was she like?

PHYLLIS:
Was?

BISHOP:
You mean “is” she like.

NESTOR:
All right.

BISHOP:
She's beautiful.

PHYLLIS:
Thank you.

NESTOR:
All right.

BISHOP:
She loves me.

PHYLLIS:
That's enough.

NESTOR:
Do you love her?

PHYLLIS
(Warning)
: Bishop.

BISHOP:
Why?

NESTOR:
Do you, believe, Bishop, that it's possible to love someone, to care for them and still hurt them?

BISHOP:
I don't know.

NESTOR:
You don't know?

BISHOP:
It's too abstract.

POPO
(On the cot, doodling his name)
: Bishop Hogan.

NESTOR:
Do you think I want to hurt you?

PHYLLIS:
Yes.

NESTOR:
Do you think I care about you?

BISHOP:
No.

NESTOR:
Why not?

PHYLLIS:
He's insane. You're fine.

BISHOP:
Why would you?

NESTOR:
Why wouldn't I?

BISHOP:
I asked you first.

NESTOR:
I asked you last.

BISHOP:
You're insane.

NESTOR:
You're a dick.

BISHOP:
Fuckhead!

NESTOR:
Asshole!

BISHOP:
Dipshit!

NESTOR:
Moron!

BISHOP:
Spitbrain!

NESTOR:
Crapnoodle!

PHYLLIS:
This is absurd!

BISHOP
(To Phyllis, who is stopping his fun)
: Leave me alone.

PHYLLIS:
Bishop!

BISHOP:
I'm sorry.
(To Nestor)
Fuck you!

PHYLLIS:
Atta boy!

POPO
(Still on the cot, writing a letter)
: Dear Mom and Dad. Everything is great. I love it here. The food is really good and the weather is beautiful. The sun is always out and I can hear birds from the window of my room. The nurses are really nice and I am organizing a cheerleading squad of delusionary schizophrenics—but really they are just nice people who hear voices coming from inanimate objects. I think they do very well, considering the amount of Phenobarbital they get pumped into them. I make really pretty potholders and ashtrays in workshop. I will make someone a great wife one day, assuming I cook and he smokes. On that subject, I have met the coolest guy. His name is Bishop Hogan. Maybe you heard of him. He's famous. He killed his parents. And some other people, I think. He's been on TV. But he's thinner in person. You'd like him. I can't wait for you to meet him. If you overlook the fact that he's delusionary, and that he butchered his parents and ate them, he's a fine catch. Love, Popo Martin.

NESTOR:
Bishop.

BISHOP:
What?

NESTOR:
You killed a young woman.

BISHOP:
Did I?

NESTOR:
Didn't you?

BISHOP:
You tell me.

NESTOR:
You did.

BISHOP:
If you say so.

NESTOR:
I do.

BISHOP:
Fine.

NESTOR:
How did it feel?

BISHOP:
I don't remember.

NESTOR:
How it felt?

BISHOP:
Anything.

NESTOR:
What?

BISHOP:
I have amnesia.

NESTOR:
I see. And how did this happen?

BISHOP:
I guess I took a bump on the head.

NESTOR:
You guess?

BISHOP:
I can't remember.

NESTOR:
I see.

BISHOP:
Sorry.

NESTOR:
You remember this morning?

BISHOP:
Nope.

NESTOR:
Your mother?

BISHOP:
No.

NESTOR:
Your father?

BISHOP:
No!

NESTOR:
The island?

BISHOP:
NO!

NESTOR:
Your name?

BISHOP:
NO!

NESTOR:
CUT THE CRAP!

BISHOP:
What?

NESTOR:
You remember everything! You insignificant little slime! I know it! And you know it! You remember!

BISHOP:
I don't!

NESTOR:
Listen to me. You'll do as I say you little bastard. Or else! You will stay here in this hospital with paper slippers,
soiled sheets and jello three times a day! You will stay here forever. We will pump you full of drugs and sit you in a yellow room with yellow walls and give you clay for ashtrays and yarn for placemats. And there you'll sit, till the days become years and your teeth fall out. And your hair falls out. And your muscles grow limp and you drool on yourself. And no one will visit you and no one will talk to you and no one will remember you and no one will care! And you'll really hear voices and you'll become old and your fingers will twist like the roots of a tree. And your organs will fail, one by one! And breathing's a chore! And you're just a body! Shuffling along! To no place at all! Every day! After day! After day! Until DEATH, FINALLY, MERCIFULLY, PATHETICALLY, PICKS YOU UP IN HER ARMS AND CARRIES YOU OUT OF HERE! NOW CUT THE CRAP!!!!

BISHOP:
Mommy!

PHYLLIS
and

POPO
: Bishop.

(Bishop starts to go to Phyllis but is cut off by Popo.)

POPO
: I made this for you.
(She offers him a potholder)

BISHOP:
Leave me alone.

POPO
: I call it “Potholder Number 38.”

BISHOP:
Put it away.

POPO
: It looks like Number 37, but it's not. It's better.

BISHOP:
Go away.

POPO
: You're welcome.
(She leaves him)

NESTOR:
Bishop!

BISHOP:
Go away!

NESTOR:
What happened to your mother?

BISHOP:
Nothing.

NESTOR:
She's alive?

BISHOP:
Yes!

NESTOR:
Where is she?

BISHOP:
Here!

NESTOR:
Right here?

BISHOP:
Yes!

NESTOR:
I don't see her!

BISHOP:
That's your problem!

NESTOR:
Look at me!

BISHOP:
What!

NESTOR:
You see her?!

BISHOP:
Yes!