I lean against my car, closing my eyes, gasping for breath, thinking: So it really is my fault. Because I procrastinated, lingered, wandered through that stupid field, distracted by those
pulsating trees and flowers that shivered. While they moved on, crossed over, and I fell for his bait...
He looks at me briefly, then averts his gaze.
And wouldn't you know it, the one time I'm so angry I could actually kill someone, my anger's directed at the one person who claims to be, well, unkillable.
"Go away!" I finally say, ripping the crystal-encrusted horseshoe bracelet from my wrist and throwing it at him. Wanting to forget about that, about him, about everything. Having seen and heard more than I can take. "Just—go away. I never want to see you again."
"Ever, please don't say that if you don't really mean it," he says, his voice pleading, sorrowful, weak.
I place my head in my hands, too weary to cry, too shattered to speak. And knowing he can hear the thoughts in my head, I shut my eyes and think: You say you'd never harm me, but look what you've done! You've ruined everything, wrecked my whole life, and for what? So I could be alone? So I could live the rest of my life as a freak? I hate you—I hate you for what you've done to me—I hate you for what you've made me—I hate you for being so selfish! And I never, ever want to see you again!
I stay like that, head in my hands, rocking back and forth against the wheel of my car, allowing the words to flow through me, over and over again.
Just let me be normal, please just let me be normal again. Just go away, leave me alone. Because I hate you—I hate you—I hate you—I hate you—
When I finally look up, I'm surrounded by tulips—hundreds of thousands of tulips, all of them red. Those soft waxy petals glinting in the bright morning sun, filling up the parking lot and covering all the cars. And as I struggle to my feet and brush myself off, I know without looking: their sender is gone.
It's weird in English, not having Damen beside me, holding my hand, whispering in my ear, and acting as my off switch. I guess I'd grown so used to having him around I'd forgotten just how mean Stacia and Honor could be. But watching them smirk, as they text each other with messages like—Stupid freak, no wonder he left—I know I'm back to relying on my hoodie, sunglasses, and iPod again.
Though it's not like I don't see the irony. It's not like I don't get the joke. Because for someone who sobbed in a parking lot, begging her immortal boyfriend to disappear so that she could feel normal again, well, obviously, the punch line is me.
Because now, in my new life without Damen, all of the random thoughts, the profusion of colors and sounds, are so overwhelming, so tremendously crushing, my ears constantly ring, my eyes continuously water, and the migraines appear so quickly, invading my head, hijacking my body, and rendering me so nauseous and dizzy I can just barely function.
Though it is funny how I was so worried about mentioning our breakup to Miles and Haven that a full week passed by before his name was even mentioned. And even then, I'm the one who brought it up. I guess they'd gotten so used to his erratic attendance they didn't see anything unusual about his latest extended absence.
So one day, during lunch, I cleared my throat, glanced between them, and said, "Just so you know, Damen and I broke up." And when their mouths dropped open and they both started to speak, I held up my hand and said, "And, he's gone."
"Gone?" they said, four eyes bugging, two jaws dropping, both of them reluctant to believe it.
And even though I knew they were concerned, even though I knew I owed them a good explanation, I just shook my head, pressed my lips together, and refused to say anything further. Though Ms. Machado wasn't so easy. A few days after Damen left, she walked right up to my easel, did her best to avoid direct eye contact with my Van Gogh disaster, and said, "I know you and Damen were close, and I know how hard this must be for you, so I thought you should have this. I think you'll find it extraordinary. "
She pushed a canvas toward me, but I just leaned it against the leg of my easel and kept painting. I had no doubt about its being extraordinary; everything Damen did was extraordinary. But then again, when you've roamed the earth for hundreds of years, you've plenty of time to master a few skills.
"Aren't you going to look at it?" she asked, confused by my lack of interest in Damen's masterpiece replica of a masterpiece.
But I just turned to her, forcing my face into a smile when I said, "No. But thank you for giving it to me."
And when the bell finally rang, I dragged it out to my car, tossed it into my trunk, and slammed down the hood, without once even looking.
And when Miles asked, "Hey, what was that?" I just jammed the key in the ignition and said, "Nothing."
But the one thing I didn't expect was how lonely I felt. I guess I failed to realize just how much I relied on Damen and Riley to fill up the gaps, to seal all the cracks in my life. And even though Riley warned me she wouldn't be around all that much, when it hit the three-week mark, I couldn't help but panic.
Because saying good bye to Damen, my gorgeous, creepy, quite possibly evil, immortal boyfriend, was harder than I'll ever admit. But not getting to say good bye to Riley is more than I can possibly bear.
Saturday, when Miles and Haven invite me to tag along on their annual Winter Fantasy pilgrimage, I accept. Knowing it's time to get out of the house, out of my slump, and rejoin the living. And since it's my first time there, they're pretty excited about showing me around.
"It's not as good as the summer Sawdust Festival," Miles says, after we buy our tickets and head through the gates.
"That's because it's better," Haven says, skipping ahead and turning to smile at us.
Miles smirks. "Well, other than the weather it doesn't really matter since they both have glassblowers, and that's always my favorite part."
"Big surprise." Haven laughs, looping her arm through Miles's as I follow alongside them, my head spinning from the crowd generated energy, all of the colors, sights, and sounds swirling around me, wishing I'd had the good sense to just stay home where it's quieter, safer.
I've just lifted my hood and am about to insert my earbuds when Haven turns to me and says, "Really? You're seriously doing that here?"
And I stop, and slip them back into my pocket. Because even though I want to drown everyone out, I don't want my friends to think I'm trying to drown them out too.
"Come on, you've got to see the glassblower, he's amazing," Miles says, leading us past an authentic-looking Santa and several silversmiths before stopping in front of some guy crafting beautiful, multicolored vases using only his mouth, a long metal tube, and fire. "I have got to learn how to do that." He sighs, completely transfixed.
I stand beside him, watching the swirl of liquid colors mold and take shape, then I head over to the next booth, where some really cool purses are displayed.
I hoist a small brown bag off its shelf and stroke its soft buttery leather, thinking it might make a good Christmas gift for Sabine, since it's something she'd never buy for herself, but might secretly want.
"How much for this one?" I ask, wincing as my voice reverberates through my head in a never-ending percussion.
"One hundred and fifty."
I gaze at the woman, taking in her blue batik tunic, faded jeans, and silver peace-sign necklace, knowing she's prepared to go lower, much lower. But my eyes are stinging so bad, and the throbbing in my head's so severe I don't have the strength to barter. In fact, I just want to go home.
I put it back where I found it and start to turn away, when she says, "But for you, one thirty."
And even though I'm well aware that she's still at the top of her offer, that there's plenty more room to bargain, I just nod and move away.
Then someone behind me says, "Now you and I both know her absolute bottom line is ninety-five. So why'd you give up so easily?"
And when I turn, I see a petite auburn-haired woman surrounded by the most brilliant purple aura. 'Ava." She nods, extending her hand.
"I know" I say, making a point to ignore it.
"How've you been?" she asks, smiling as though I didn't just do something incredibly cold and rude, which makes me feel even worse for having done it.
I shrug, glancing over to the glassblower, searching for Miles and Haven, and feeling the first hint of panic when I don't see them.
"Your friends are standing in line at Laguna Taco. But don't worry, they're ordering for you too."
"I know," I tell her, even though I didn't. My head hurts far too much to get a read on anyone.
And just as I start to move away again, she grabs hold of my arm and says, "Ever, I want you to know my offer still stands. I'd really like to help you." She smiles.
My first instinct is to pull away, to get as far from her as possible, but the moment she placed her hand on my arm, my head stopped pounding, my ears stopped ringing, and my eyes stopped manufacturing tears. But when I look in her eyes, I remember who she really is the horrible woman who's stolen my sister.
And I narrow my gaze and yank my arm free, glaring at her as I say, "Don't you think you've helped enough already?" I press my lips together and glare. "You've already stolen Riley, so what more could you possible want?" I swallow hard and try not to cry.
She looks at me, brows merging with concern, her aura a beautiful vibrant beacon of violet. "Riley was never anyone's to take. And she'll always be with you, even if you can't actually see her," she says, reaching for my arm.
But I refuse to listen. And I refuse to let her touch me again, no matter how calming. "Just—just stay out of my life," I say, moving away. 'Just leave me alone. Riley and I were fine until you came along."
But she doesn't leave. She doesn't go anywhere. She just stays right there, gazing at me in that horribly annoying, soft, caring way. "I know about the headaches," she whispers, her voice light and soothing. "You don't have to live like this, Ever. Really, I can help."
And even though I'd love a break from the onslaught of noise and pain, I turn on my heel and storm away, hoping I never see her again.
"Who was that?" Haven asks, plunging a tortilla chip into a tiny cup of salsa as I sit down beside her and shrug.
"No one," I whisper, cringing as my words vibrate in my ears. "Looks like that psychic lady from the party."
I reach for the plate Miles slides toward me and pick up a plastic fork.
"We didn't know what you wanted so we got a little of everything," he says. "Did you buy a purse?"
I shake my head, then immediately regret it since it only intensifies the pounding. "Too expensive," I say, covering my mouth as I chew; the crunch reverberating so badly my eyes fill with tears. "You get a vase?" But I already know that he didn't, and not just because I'm psychic, but because there's no bag.
"No, I just like to watch' em blow." He laughs, taking a sip of his drink.
"Hey you guys, shh! Is that my phone?" Haven digs through her oversized, overstuffed bag that often stands in for her closet.
"Well, since you're the only one at this table with a Marilyn Manson ring tone..." Miles shrugs, ignoring his taco shell and eating only the insides.
"Off the carbs?" I ask, watching as he picks at his food.
He nods. 'Just because Tracy Turnblad's fat doesn't mean I have to be."
I take a sip of my Sprite and gaze at Haven. And when I see the elated expression on her face, I know.
She turns away from us, covers her other ear, and says,
"Omigod! I totally thought you'd vanished—I'm out with Miles—yeah, Ever's here too—yeah, they're right here—okay." She covers the mouthpiece and turns toward us, her eyes lighting up when she says, "Drina says hi!" Then she waits for us to say hi back. But when we don't, she rolls her eyes, gets up, and walks away, saying, "They say hi too."
Miles shakes his head and looks at me. "I didn't say hi. Did you say hi?"
I shrug and mix my beans into my rice.
"Trouble," he says, gazing after her and shaking his head.
And even though I sense that it's true, I'm wondering what exactly he means. Because the energy in this place is bubbling and swirling like a big cosmic soup, too lumpy to slog through or try to tune in. "What do you mean?" I ask, squinting against the glare.
"Isn't it obvious?"
I shrug, my head pounding so badly I can't get inside his.
"There's something just so—creepy about their friendship. I mean, a harmless girl crush is one thing. But this—this just doesn't make any sense. Major creep factor."
"Creepy how?" I tear a piece off my taco shell and look at him.
He ignores his rice and favors the beans. "I know this is going to sound horrible, and trust me, I don't mean it to be, but it's almost like she's turning Haven into an acolyte."
I raise my brows.
"A follower, a worshipper, a clone, a Mini-Me." He shrugs.
"And, it's just so—"
"Creepy," I provide.
He sips his drink and glances between Haven and me. "Look at how she's started dressing like her, the contacts, the hair color, the makeup, the clothing, she acts like her too—or at least she tries to."
"Is it just that, or is there something else?" I ask, wondering if he knows anything specific, or if it's just a general sense of doom.
"You need more?" He gapes.
I shrug, dropping my taco onto my plate, no longer hungry.
"But between you and me, that whole tattoo thing takes it to a whole new level. I mean, what the hell?" he whispers, glancing at Haven, making sure she can't hear. "What's it even supposed to mean?" He shakes his head. "I mean, okay, I know what it means, but what does it mean to them? Is it the latest in vampire chic? Because Drina's not exactly goth. I'm not sure what she's trying to be with her fitted silk lady dresses and purses that match her shoes. Is it a cult? Some kind of secret society? And don't get me started on that infection. Nasty. And, by the way, so not normal like she thinks. It's probably what made her so sick."
I press my lips and stare at him, not sure how to respond, how much to share. And yet, wondering why I'm (so determined to keep Damen's secrets—secrets that bring creepy to a whole new level. Secrets that, when I think about it, have nothing to do with me. But I hesitate for too long, and Miles continues, ensuring the vault stays locked, at least for today.
"The whole thing is just so—unhealthy." He cringes.
"What's unhealthy?" Haven asks, plopping down beside me and tossing her phone back into her purse.
"Not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom," Miles quips.
"And that's what you guys were talking about?" She eyes us suspiciously. "Like I'm supposed to believe that?"
"I'm telling you, Ever refuses to suds up, 'and I was just trying to warn her of the dangers she's exposing herself to. Exposing all of us to." He shakes his head and looks at me.
I roll my eyes, my face turning crimson even thought it's not true. Watching as Haven digs through her bag, pushing past stray tubes of lipstick, a cordless curling iron, stray breath mints—their wrappers long gone—before coming across a small silver flask, unscrewing the top, and dumping a fair amount of clear, odorless liquid into each of our drinks.
"Well, that's all very amusing, but it's obvious you were talking about me. But you know what? I'm so freaking happy I don't even care." She smiles.
I reach for her hand, determined to stop her from pouring. Ever since the night I puked my guts out at cheerleading camp, after drinking more than my share of the contraband bottle Rachel smuggled into our cabin, I've sworn off the vodka. But the moment I touch her I'm overcome with dread, seeing a calendar flash before me with December 21 circled in red.
"Jeez, relax, already. Stop being so clenched. Live a little, will ya?" She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. 'Aren't you going to ask me why I'm so happy?"
"No, because I know you'll tell us anyway," Miles says, discarding his plate, having eaten all of the protein and saving the rest for the pigeons.