Experiencing God at Home (7 page)

4. Church is not an option.

There were lots of options in our home. Bedtime, as our kids got older, was one. But going to church was not. At one point when Daniel was struggling as a young teen, he was reluctant to begin going to the weekly youth event at church on Wednesday evenings. We brought him to the church and he sat in the minivan in the parking lot the first week, but he was there! (We also encouraged half the youth group to go out and visit with him until he decided to try it out the following week.)

5. Don’t be too proud to get all the help you can.

Lisa and I shamelessly asked other parents what they did with their children for discipline, vacations, and Saturdays. Every time we observed a family that seemed to be having a blast together, we’d probe the parents (and sometimes their kids) and find their secret. We applied this same principle when our kids struggled. At times, even though I tried to be a good father, my kids weren’t all that receptive to what I had to say to them. So, rather than hunkering down and yelling louder, I’d find some “cool” person in the church my kids
would
listen to, and I’d have
them
say it! We didn’t care what people thought when we told them our children were struggling. We figured the more allies we had, the better chance we had of ultimately experiencing victory.

6. We focused on what mattered.

Again, Lisa and I broke a lot of parenting norms on this one. And this is one of those principles you definitely have to customize to your own situation. For example, having your children keep their bedrooms clean and tidy is great. But how many teenagers do you know who do that? We encouraged them to, and I made more than one “comment” along the way, especially related to how Daniel’s room could provide the perfect set for the movie
Revenge of the Swamp Creatures
. Yet unless we were prepared to engage him in daily battle about making his bed and putting the clothes on the floor into the laundry, it wasn’t going happen. But do you know what? Daniel never did drugs, or smoked, or drank alcohol. He played on two different worship teams and became a leader in his youth group (once we convinced him to end his boycott in the parking lot!). So what
really
mattered? That he made his bed every day, or that he loved going to church and keeping his body “clean” of unhealthy stimulants? It just seemed easier to close his bedroom door sometimes and try to ignore the strange wildlife noises emanating from his room during the night . . . and to focus instead on what really mattered. Was it important for Daniel to be responsible and to clean up after himself? Yes. Was it more important that he had a close relationship with his parents and merrily marched off to church with us each week? You bet! By the way, now that he is an adult and living in his own place, he likes things neat and tidy! (If you’d like to read more on how we did this, check out
Putting a Face on Grace: Living a Life Worth Passing On.
)

7. We sought to create a home of joy.

Lisa and I, like a lot of parents, were concerned that our children might one day grow up and reject our faith or family values. How could we prevent that? We decided it would not be by surrounding them with rules and regulations. We determined that if our children were to wholeheartedly embrace our faith, it would be because our faith and lifestyle were a lot of fun! We wanted them to see that there is no better way to live than the Christian way. After all, it is easy to rebel against rules, but how do you rebel against the joy of the Lord? So we did everything we could to ensure that our home regularly resounded with laughter. (If you’d like to read about some specific things we did, check out my book
The Seasons of God
.
)

Thanks for taking a moment to learn a little about my family. Tom and I felt it was important that you know something about our homes before we jump into a discussion of how to help your family experience God. We aren’t experts, but by God’s grace He has granted us some success in our families.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion

1. How are you and your spouse different from each other? How has that been good for your children? What challenges has that caused?

2. List the top three rules in your home. Should those be the most important, or are you missing something?

3. How are your children currently responding to your home’s rules? Does God want you to make some adjustments?

4. Is there joy in your home?

5. Are any of your children currently rebelling against something in your home? If they are, what are they reacting to?

Chapter 5

Tom’s Family: Leading by Example

I took my time finding a good wife. I suppose I was picky and held out for the best one I could find. Kim and I married the month I turned thirty after I finished my college and seminary education. We both have degrees in education and share similar backgrounds, such as family values, the way we celebrate holidays, some favorite foods, a love of music, and an interest in travel. We both grew up in homes that liked to laugh and have fun. But we brought some differences into our marriage as well. All of my relatives were churchgoers, and many of them were pastors, missionaries, or church leaders. Kim’s family had only a handful of churchgoers, and most were in business or farming. Kim brought to our marriage elegance, a love of reading, high academic standards, goal setting, a deep desire to always do her best, and a talent for creating a welcoming home. I brought the knowledge of how to fix and repair things (more or less—OK, mostly less), five musical instruments, and a love of her amazing cooking. She brought books; I brought tools. She contributed a sense of decorum; I instilled a sense of silliness. What was special for both Richard and me was that our father baptized our wives and was also their pastor for several years.

My Children

I’ll be referring to my children from time to time in this book, so I’d like to formally introduce them to you here.

Conor the Courageous

My son Conor just turned thirteen and is heading down that slippery teenage slope. He enjoys music and sings in an audition children’s choir, plays piano, and has been regularly asked to play the national anthem on the keyboard for his school assemblies (because no one else has the courage to do it). He used to talk about being a pilot when he grew up but now thinks managing a hotel would be a far more interesting career. He is a decent athlete, has a sharp sense of humor, and if we can overcome his passive-aggressive nature, I think he will turn out great. Conor will be the one to inherit all of my tools because he likes to fix things and figure out how they work, a trait he gets from his dad. Lastly, he has a quick wit and is extremely observant of what goes on around him, choosing to learn from other people’s mistakes rather than making them himself.

Matthew the Conqueror

My son Matthew (Matt) has always had more than his share of testosterone. Some days we would tell him to go outside and run around the house twice, and then when he came back in panting, he would ask, “Now what?” Matt never had an awkward stage, and his superior height and athletic abilities led him to excel in basketball and soccer. He became the captain of both teams in high school. He has drawers bulging with “Player of the Game” T-shirts, shelves of trophies, ribbons, medals, plaques, and awards that bear testimony to his competitiveness. This past year he realized his dream when he accepted a partial scholarship to play as a guard at Trinity Western University. He managed to be the co-valedictorian in high school and score a number of academic and sports scholarships to help with college tuition. He has a wonderful ear for music (keyboard, drums) and a keen analytical mind. He keeps toying with the idea of one day becoming a pastor but currently is pursuing a degree in political science.

Erin the Pathfinder

Our daughter Erin was our firstborn and a perfect angel. Frilly dresses, dollhouses, pinks and purples, and lots of craft supplies filled her bedroom. Erin never complained or rebelled. She cheerfully obeyed and loved giving handmade gifts to her parents. It is dangerous to always assume everything is OK just because your child doesn’t complain. We learned this lesson with Erin. She loves to shop, go to concerts, hang out with friends, and watch British dramas (
Dr. Who
,
Downton Abbey
). She hates it when someone is unhappy. She loves college. She also has a wonderful singing voice, plays piano, has a quick wit, and possesses a quirky sense of style that works well for her. When she finishes her degree in corporate communications, some company will be lucky to hire her.

Kim: The Glue That Keeps Us All Together

Kim, my wife, did not grow up going to church or with God at the center of her home life. She had to find her own way with God. As a teenager, she felt led to my father’s church. She is a voracious reader and pursuer of God. You name the Bible study; she has probably done it, if not taught it. She has a sensitive heart for women at the church, so our family holiday dinners usually include a single mom or two and their children around our table. She is constantly going for coffee with people, praying with people, leading women’s Bible studies, or preparing to lead a study. Her commentaries, study Bibles, books, and notes are usually evident when you visit our house. To me she embodies what a godly woman looks like. She lives what she believes. Both our home and ministry in churches have always been a partnership. Much of my success as a minister over the years is due to her prayers, service to others, and godly advice along the way.

High Expectations

We didn’t want to be overbearing or unreasonable in our expectations for our children. Although we had high standards for their behavior, we encouraged them to express their individuality and to pursue their own interests. Honestly, who likes a bunch of rules forced on them? We never posted rules on the refrigerator and didn’t hand out rewards for good behavior. We are a family driven by love for one another. Clear expectations have helped us get there, but they have never been our primary focus. Much like God’s family, the rules are there to help us enjoy life and to avoid trouble. In our family, as in God’s, the priority has always been the love relationship, not the rules. The unwritten rules in our house are pretty simple.

1. Show respect toward one another.

We did not permit name-calling, lying, stealing, bullying, unreasonable teasing, or sarcasm. Our children were expected to: let others finish speaking before replying, not speak negatively about a sibling to a friend, and not gang up against each other. As parents, we knew we needed to demonstrate the kind of respect we expected our children to show us.

2. Family takes priority.

We encouraged our children to support each other’s interests and activities as much as possible. We attended basketball games, piano concerts, choir performances, soccer games, and special events whenever we could. Sometime friends last a lifetime, but those are rare. I wanted my kids to understand that friends will come and go but family remains. I remind them not to treat their brother, sister, or parents in a way that they will have to apologize for later when they are adults.

3. God is the center of our home.

The debate in our home was never about whether we would go to church or not, but about what was appropriate to wear when we arrived. I asked Erin recently why she never resisted going to church when she was younger. She replied, “I never knew that was an option! Was I supposed to give you trouble?” In our home, God’s name is used in prayers, discussions about theology, or in a respectful manner, but not in an empty or vain manner. I told my children that they could use whatever curse words they heard me say. So far I have not given them any ammunition! In our home, parents and kids are held to the same standards.

4. Home is a safe place.

People are always welcome in our home. Many of my children’s friends come from broken homes or families in which the parents are at work when the children arrive home from school. We wanted our house to be a gathering place for our kids and their friends. Our house is not large, but it is comfortable and open for people to drop by. That being said, it is a shared space by all of us. We expect each family member, regardless of age, to clean up after themselves and to respect one another’s property and personal space. We don’t own a lot, but what we do possess we’d like to preserve for as long as possible.

5. Dinnertime is important.

We value eating together as a family, and only recently as our kids’ work and basketball schedules interfered have dinnertimes been missed. We did not watch TV during supper except for the Olympics and other special occasions. Whenever one of our family members was absent from dinner, they were missed. We laugh, tease, joke, inform, and connect with one another during meals. Today, as our kids have crazy work and practise schedules, we have mandated Sunday lunches as family time and keep them sacrosanct.

6. Strive for good character.

We expected our kids to honor the curfew, be trustworthy and honest, and to stick to their convictions. My children understood that their character and trustworthiness determined whether or not I granted them certain privileges, like driving the car. I asked others about their driving habits. Continued positive reports allowed for repeated opportunities. My children were routinely reminded that every decision they made had a consequence—some would be positive, and sadly, others would be negative. I prayed that they would make wise decisions so they could enjoy the ensuing rewards. Periodically, other parents would comment on how well behaved my kids were. Of course, I was always proud to hear those comments, and I would always relay them to my children so they knew that others were noticing their character as well. I had a good chance to talk with one of my sons about the rewards of good character when he was invited to join another family for a week’s skiing in the Austrian Alps! (Good character has its rewards!)